Please help me and tell me what to do and how to cope. Husband cheated and marriage over.

[Brokenapple]

Children are 5 and 2. I found a text last night. Things haven't been good for a couple of years but I didn't expect this. He doesn't even seem sorry just defiant. I don't think he even wants to try but I'm not sure I do either - that's not point is it? I thought he would at least try.
What do I need to do now? I keep thinking about the kids with him and a new girlfriend. I can't stop being sick.
Practically what now?

Oh sweetheart, you will feel better.At the moment it seems like anxiety has taken hold.Lack of food and sleep will make everything feel even worse.

You don't need to be superwoman now.If you can't manage work (understandable) your GP could sign you off for a couple of weeks.

Try breathing when you have lots of anxious thoughts.Everything will be ok, keep saying that yourself.

Raising children on your own can be easier.Y you have got through the tough baby years and you will be completely fine.Honestly most women thrive post separation.

Please get some support, phone your sister and let her know what you are going through.

Get as much rest as you can while your H is away for a couple of days. Lock the doors, and take stock. He won't be there to give you a hard time! Take one minute at a time. Every day is a day nearer to feeling better.
And remember, this is not of your making, so take comfort in support you get on here and hopefully from your DSis

I can't stop shaking. I've had a cup of tea and biscuit. I'm new in this job so can't take time off I'll just need to get through each day.
I've rang my sister. I do feel better. She's coming to see me later tonight.
I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't feel like divorce is right nor do I feel like staying together is right.
Seeing him leave with his bag today was awful. He's acting quite normal. He is ignoring the fact I'm falling apart.
I need to hang on to the anger. If I don't I'll be begging him to stay. Can the doctor send me to counseling or someone to talk to? I feel like I need to talk to a professional to get my own thoughts clear.

Yes your GP can do that. If you can afford it then private might be quicker.

I know you are new there but can you speak to your boss and just explain, might take the pressure off a little.

Just look at this as a separation, giving you time to get your head and your feelings together.

His coldness is hurtful but it is a fault of his and not you.

Well done on reaching out there your sister. Yes your gp can arrange counselling or CBT.

Divorce is the paperwork for the marriage ending and you don't have to worry about that yet.You need space to be able to think.

I started a journal, just describing how I was feeling.Its important to listen to your feelings because your husband is ignoring them for his own benefit, to salve his conscience, to not have to take responsibility and to make decisions which he feels is good for him.

You will go through a whole range of emotions, anger, tears, grief, anxiety, shock, numbness..it's not sequential, you will go back and forwards through the emotions but hopefully with reducing intensity.

You don't need to be completely in control now, or line up all the paperwork.If you are getting up with the children and going to work you are doing brilliantly.

You've done so much since you found out. I'm very impressed at how strong you are being!

Told my best friend. She asked why I wanted him to stay. It's mainly because he's the kids dad and I can't bear the thought of him with someone else.
I've called the doctor as I'm shaking and anxious hoping to be referred to a councillor to talk. I need to consider what I want. I want to roll back time to when we were happy.

I'm so sorry to read this thread. How are you doing?

I'm glad you've spoken to your sister and your best friend. You need support IRL - you need someone to give you a hug and make you toast and be kind to you. Have you told your mum?

What did the dr say?

My mum is elderly and my dad has just gone to a care home so I can't burden her. The Dr has given me number to self refer for counselling. She assured me what I'm going through is normal.
It's like I need the obvious things pointed out to me. I'm going to eat tea and toast at 3pm. I've got some work to get on with and will distract myself.

Thank you to everyone who's read and posted. It's such a shock this has happened to me like it was to everyone going through the same thing whose posted.

Managed to eat toast and tea. My god I look like death.

Glad you spoke to GP and RL people too. What you are going through is normal after the bombshell that your H has dropped on you. I know you don't want to take any tablets but if you find you have gone several days without a decent sleep then please consider getting some sleeping tablets. You don't need to be on them for long even just a couple of nights to get you back into the routine of sleep. The last thing you want to happen is you lose you job because you are not with it so to speak. Having a good sleep will also help you cope with the DCs better.
I can completely sympathise you wanting him to stay. He has been an important part of your life for such a long time. I went through feeling like that for such a long time. I still find myself thinking I just want him back even though I know I shouldn't. There's no way I would be able to trust him ever again or truly forgive him for what he has done to me. But that doesn't stop me from yearning for him at times. I have to keep telling myself that it is not him I want back but our old life before everything went wrong. If he did come back it wouldn't be like before since so much has happened & changed.
Please believe everyone when they say it is a horrible thing to be going through. Once you are past the shock of it all you will find a much stronger person in you. More stronger than you ever thought possible. The DCs will become your focus. You will be ok.

Oh OP my heart goes out to you, I remember feeling like you so well.

It's like being emotionally hit by a bus, but I promise it does get easier. I used to cry and shake, but After a week or two I slowly got a bit stronger each day.

Don't expect too much, force yourself to eat snacky things little and often, I lived off yoghurts, mini snack bars and cuppa soups, but they helped, and lots of hot sweet tea. Tell people, you have nothing to be ashamed off, and lean on people. I was touched and amazed by people's kindness.

Small baby steps. Treat yourself as you would your best friend.

Big decisions can wait, just focus on getting used to what's happened and process it.
Good luck

Oh I'm sorry. I can so identify with your post, especially the feeling discarded.

My circumstances were similar - I got a good lawyer experienced in businesses, kept the house (all of it) and the dcs spend all time other than alternate weekends with me.

I met Dp the following year, got a good job and life is ok. That initial six months was awful though, totally gut wrenching. For us, ow had been waiting in the wings for some time and the transition from me to her was painfully seamless. I just have to live with that and give it as little head space as I can.

The thing I remember chilling me most was Xh's utter detachment from me. Like there had never been any affection there at all. You need to leave that situation before it starts to erode your self esteem, it's hard to get it back.

I'm hoping your DSis has said supportive things to you, and that things are feeling a little better.

Brokenapple just wanted you to know i have read your thread and am thinking of you.

i am in different time zone if you need someone to talk you through at odd hours. just sending my love to you.

Hi OP, I just wanted to add....don't be afraid of being a single mum. It's not that bad at all. There are many many many single mums out there who now find their lives much easier than when they lived with their XP, me included. No pressure, no stress, no walking on eggshells...and, although it's unbearably raw right now, I promise you that there will come a point in the future when you're grateful for your ex taking the kids off your hands every other weekend and you get an entire, luxurious weekend to yourself to see your gorgeous new man xxx

I'm reading op and I'm so sorry X

The thing I remember chilling me most was Xh's utter detachment from me. Like there had never been any affection there at all

This. It's that terrifying thing of them apparently changing overnight . One day everything is fine and the next your life is falling apart .

Then that horrible shock of realising that they haven't changed at all , that' they have always been like that and you just didn't realise.

I honestly believed that I had a happy marraige, not perfect but better than average . It took me a long time to see that everyone was fine as long as I was 100% doing what he wanted and 100% focused on him and his needs.

As soon as I went against his wishes ( objecting to OW) and started making demands, I discovered I was just a piece of dirt on his shoe.

He's the same acting like there's never been any relationship. I tried to hug him bye and he leaned away and went stiff.
I had a good chat with my sister. I don't feel strong
enough to start divorce I feel like I need to come to terms to where I am now. I honestly couldn't drive there I'm so weak.
I had a good evening with the children yesterday. We all ended up in the same bed and I got some sleep.
I'll concentrate on getting my work done today.
Please keep sharing your experiences. It really helps.
He's acting like we are strangers and attacking me to win arguments. Who is this man? Why isn't he sorry? Why doesn't he care about me?

OMG Kr1stina

You wrote "I honestly believed that I had a happy marraige, not perfect but better than average . It took me a long time to see that everyone was fine as long as I was 100% doing what he wanted and 100% focused on him and his needs. As soon as I went against his wishes ( objecting to OW) and started making demands, I discovered I was just a piece of dirt on his shoe."

God, how true. This was me too. I now see I was emotionally controlled/abused and gaslighted for a long time, to cover up his infidelities and shortcomings as a father and husband. Like you say, as soon as you start calling them out on stuff they turn from being 'normal' to treating you like your a piece of sh1t. I was blamed for the fact my marriage didn't work... Not his fault at all that he had affairs, never spent time with his children or me, was out socialising 5 nights a week, having lads holidays whilst we went without a family holiday... All my fault it didn't work apparently. If I'd been a better wife there wouldn't be a problem!? What he meant was, if I hadn't objected to all his shortcoming and affairs etc then he wouldn't have decided the marriage was over. It was ok as long as I kept my mouth shut and did all the motherly duties and kept house. And to top if off its me that paying for the divorce and fighting for a fair financial agreement whilst he pays for nothing!
The worse thing is that I do feel like a failure that my husband and partner for 20 years did this to me, and our boys.

The time it takes is well..... the time it takes.
It's different for everyone.
I did keep going to work to keep my mind off of things.
But I did have times when I had to head to the toilets for a good cry.
At home, once DD was in bed I'd find a corner and curl up into a ball and sob and sob and sob.
There will be no end to the amount of tears your body can create.
In all honestly, my family and friends got me through it.
They were such a great support for me.
I would say it took a good 4-6 months before I stopped crying.
But then the crying sessions lessen and get further apart.
Then one day you won't cry at all and it will start to get better.
You absolutely will get through this.
Like I've said, solids aren't easy to keep down so anything that isn't a solid.
Smoothies, sugary tea, ice lollies, soups.
Try that kind of thing and see if you can keep it down.
You are in shock. Pure and simple. It's horrible and you've no idea how you'll get through it.
But you will.
You need to look after yourself though.
Keep hydrated and sugar levels up.
Get as much RL support as you can around you.
It's a truly horrific time.
So many of us have been there and we can tell you that it will improve.
One day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now do not worry about divorce proceedings.
It took me 5 years to get my divorce.
Just get through each hour of the day as best you can.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but you will come out better and stronger. You really will!
for and a very big UnMN ((((((HUG))))))

He's going to call home this morning. This is unplanned so I don't know what it's about. Texts are short. Telephone conversation a few words. I'm better off out aren't I?

You're overwhelmed and its no wonder. You will survive.

broken it's great you've eaten. Small steps. You need to be strong on this one. Make sure you take care of you. Then you can take care of everything else.

Keep talking

Grab passports for you and the kids (take copies as well), bank statements house deeds bills etc. You wil need this for financial evidence.

Re his company, who are the directors? Just him? Or are you one too? Are you a shareholder? (Check companies house) if you are you maybe be entitled to a share of the business. (Inknow a lot of people who added their wives as shareholders without their knowledge...)