Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

well, since I'm now a - totally imaginary - novelist,I think I'd like to play silly games with the process of forming a realistic and honest personality.

Hi Wind I'm ok thanks, having a bit of a wobble PTSD wise tbh but know I will come out the other side. Just hanging on for grim death til it passes, might join you under the stairs tonight if you happen to feel the need

I agree with Pigflew btw, those of us who devour books like sweeties need you to rescue us from the proliferation of drivel we have to sift through in search of a good read. I have total faith you could do it without breaking a sweat

Ooh, I feel a reinvention coming on, post -alcohol-you could be anyone you wanted to be, how exciting!

I'm horribly aware how much I'm hearing now and how much I didn't listen when my ears were drenched in wine.

Hiding I'm self aware enough to know not reliable enough to offer a hand yet, but I've garnered enough strength to know I can lend and ear. On a selfish level, I've navel gazed a great deal and I'm bored of me.

That's kind of you Wind just had a slightly unpleasant experience yesterday and it's flipped a switch or two. There was a disturbance in our street which resulted in someone banging on our door in the early hours, very unusual as it's usually a quiet neighbourhood but instinct kicked in and I found myself jammed in the gap between my wardrobe and the bedroom door in a slightly incoherent mess

I've felt in a similar emotional state to after the robbery ever since, feel sort of shell shocked and extremely jumpy which is being aggravated by the fireworks which have helpfully started this weekend. I'm sure it will pass it's just not very pleasant in the meantime.

Thanks for the ear, I'm grateful, think DH thinks I'm being a bit silly but I really can't help it.

Good evening/morning/whatever bloody time it is.

I'm not great at lying so when I tell you that I really enjoy your writing style and would look forward to a book of yours, it's the truth.

It's entirely understandable that you're jumpy hiding, sorry your DH isn't more tolerant

Am tired and grumpy, it's my first week back since my knee surgery and it's been hard going so I could have done with a peaceful lie in. I worked today too. Upstairs neighbour is having a party. Lots of shrieking and hobnail boots but bizarrely, the music is barely audible. Despite not being particularly heavy, the house shakes every time she enters or leaves on a normal day and I swear her kitten has evolved into an elephant.

Ha, I also have an elephant kitten, no idea how such a small and delicate animal makes so much noise! We don't live in a flat fortunately so at least she's only disturbing us but it sounds like thunder when she's on the rampage upstairs.

Sorry you've had such a rough week married, hope the party winds down soon so you can get some rest, do you have to be up early in the morning or can you have your much needed lie in?

Hiding I'm not surprised that upset you so much, it would frighten anyone let alone with your experience. Would earplugs help with the fireworks or leave you feeling vulnerable? Hope you're settling a bit today.
Married hope you got some sleep, maybe buy the kitten some knitted boots for Christmas 😄
Wind how has your day been? Started on those characters yet?

Just noticed - you wrote this on 30th Sept, it's 30th Oct today, what a difference! You're now a sober imaginary novelist with 100ish mumsnet friends and most importantly - hope for the future. Not got a Pom poms emoji so a 😄 will have to do

Yes, it is possible. I don't want to give too much detail because it's outing, but I know someone who was an alcoholic, depressed for many years, involved in violence in the home, neglectful of their children, you name it. And that person turned it round. No alcohol was the thing that made the difference - everything else stemmed from that. You have to want it and you have to have a lot of willpower, but it is possible.

Only just realised that your situation has changed as well - amazing!

windfallen, I only discovered your thread today. I've been reading it in cycles of my gob hanging open, tears in my eyes, and smiling. You are utterly amazing.

I agree with other posters about your writing style! You have a definite gift.

I wanted to ask - how do you feel about exercise? Does the very idea bring you out in hives, or is it something you might consider?

I'm the same as SlipperyJack (never thought I'd say those words in the same sentence!) - you are amazing. I've just read the full thread and I'm completely amazed and beyond impressed with what you've done so far. I could never have done the same thing. Keep going!!

hiding I'm so sorry to hear you've had a set back. Halloween can't have helped? I hope you didn't get too many tonight.

married I don't envy you knee pain. I contracted salmonella poisoning on holiday that brought on salmonella reactive arthritis in almost every joint for 6 months in my early 20s and it made me cry every day. For 6 months I was on crutches and couldn't walk down stairs without my back hard pressed against a wall, or even contemplate bending down to put something under the sink.
And then it vanished as quickly as it had descended. I'm sure it's nothing compared to surgery, but I know how much frustration and pain can eat away at you. I hope it's getting better as quickly as it can.

trifle, slippery oriana you are very kind. I don't feel very successful yet. I feel like a fraud. Or maybe a dry drunk would be the kinder way to put it.

I don't feel like I've done anything other than decide my kids can't see this shit anymore. I still want to be a drunk, very, very much. The AWFUL AA meetings are the ones where everyone looks calm and happy and recognises something in each other at the idea of 'just don't take the first drink and you can't get drunk!' as not only a truism but a revelation. Fuck that. At this point I want to start upending tables and howling 'if you lot don't get it, who the hell can?!?' I wasn't EVER a social drinker. I never swirled a Viognier to accompany my seared scallops, nor even nurse cider on the swings in the park to help me bond with other kids trying to grow up. I drank a tiny bit in my teens, didn't like the taste and ignored it totally until the first time I got drunk at 18. From that day on I never looked back. I haven't got to give up the idea of social drinking - I never had it. I was heading hard and directly at 'drunk' from the minute I stood up a bit too quickly one night as an 18 year old and realised that there was a duvet, rather than a mace rolling around the space in my head. I'd found the solution! Ta da! There was something I could actively DO to stop being horrid! I've been as drunk as I would allow myself to be every day since September 1992. I counted every single second of my pregnancies until the day I could cradle a beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful drink in my hands. I don't have to 'simply avoid the first drink', what the hell is the point of one drink, ever? Even as a teenager I wanted 5. I have to make a conscious decision not to use the wide open, escape hatch from my brain every, single day.

That's a massively self indulgent unedited stream of consciousness. I'm talking to myself. Nobody should feel obliged to read it.

It's a very descriptive, eloquent stream of consciousness!

Wind - you are not alone, been there, I am there.....

Hi slippery. It's all very weird. My brain is either badly reconstituted Smash, the aurora borealis, or just raw panic.
Hey userformerly - am I far enough along to see if you're ok?

Bored and fed up and restless and consequently irrationall cross. Buh.

Hi Wind.

On night shift tonight, so loads of time for thoughts to run round my head and totally drive me insane.

Been having a few words with dw. Nothing really bad...but just mundane stuff with a usual reminder that everything is over.

I woke this morning and it was the first thought to enter my mind.....then I started thinking about finishing it all, then the phone rang and to top it all off it was my mother....

I went for a run in the afternoon, and was running through the woods and thought about a branch that could probably take my weight.

Fleeting thoughts, but worrying...I'm going to see the dr in the morning.

TBH I'm also jealous of you Wind, don't get me wrong I'm happy for you, but I started a thread about dw leaving and what I was doing to try and get her back and people give me all sorts of abuse for it....and you get praised for your efforts of giving up.

This might be self pity in fact I now it is, and I suppose this is where the hardest part makes you stronger thing kicks in, but it's fucking hard.

As I say I'm jealous of what you have, still with family etc, but I know you are fighting a battle too....don't get me wrong I don't wish you any ill will at all, just need to get my head sorted get a year or so down the line so I don't miss what I completely fucked up

Hi wind. Delurking to say I didn't drink yesterday... no idea when my last sober day was. Hallucinations, tremors and night sweats. I am eating a lot of sweets!

I don't want to sound cruel, but I have wanted to stop for ages but no guts/ courage. I read your thread.... I have a 2 yr old and thought- is this going to be me in 10 yrs time? You may have helped save me a lot of heartache. I hope that doesn't sound bad. It is meant nicely but I aren't very good at expressing myself

hey walker well done you! I'm really, REALLY pleased for you. If I could go back and talk to myself when I had a 2 year old I would do anything to persuade myself to be someone I could look back on without shame. Life as you get older is what you were, rather than what you can be next and I only figured that out when it was possibly too late to be anything any good. Be someone you will look back on without sadness.

Hi userf I've been sitting here for ages trying to find the right words. I don't think I have anything that will make it any better. One of the most startling things I've got from AA was the section in Living Sober about loneliness and 'The Lonely Disease' . That's EXACTLY what it is for me. I'm lonely most of the time in a house full of people that aren't as keen on me as they once were. You've got so much more to contend with. All the lovely people on this thread have given me hope and fellowship. More meetings I guess? Are you doing this on your own?

It's such a shame AA can't be extended generally. To walk into a room and say 'I'm sad and vulnerable, I need human warmth' and be welcomed is so astonishingly healing. People shouldn't have to be on their knees with addiction before there is somewhere to go and just honestly say 'I'm lonely, can anyone hear me?'. I dare say the NHS would save a bob or two if they set up some kind of fellowship that had nothing to do with God or addiction, just people willing to look straight past their differences to find a common humanity.

Hi Wind, yes I suppose to a point I am doing this on my own. I work a four in four off shift pattern, 2x12hrdays 2x 12hrnights and then 4 days off in between.

On the four days off DS stays with me. I usually call to brothers/sisters/aunts but it is rare that I would have people coming to my new house. Having DS can sometimes make it hard to get to meetings so the Ines I do get to are usually first thing in the morning if DS is at school or after a 12hr day shift. My job limits some of the local meetings I can go to too.

While I have great praise for AA in the fellowship it provides I wouldn't class the members as friends or family, nor would I want to, I think it would make it harder to share.

I think the split from DW has hit me harder than being away from alcohol if I am honest, but one wouldn't have happened without the other...in a way I'm glad the split happened as I would still be drinking...but I still love my wife and it seems that no matter what I do - be that AA/counselling etc - she will not change her mind. I don't want my wife coming back out of duty though, I want her to love me the way I love her and to see the changes I have made.

Wind, that bit of writing upthread is a truly magnificent rant, brava!

IME there is a massive difference between being lonely and being alone.
And sometimes there is nothing lonelier than being lonely in a relationship

Much strength to you all [thank]

I HATE THIS TIME OF DAY

If I have to scrape goo off another plate, or clean a gas hob or strike another meal off the banned substances list of a child with a peripatetic approach to vegetarianism I'm going to lose it.

I hate my kitchen. I need to bulldoze my kitchen.