Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Doing a bit better. I have tea.

I want wine.

I'm wired and hyper on sugar and fat and bile I'm frightened and screwed up and furiously, impotently miserable. Blah, blah blah. I'm not going to sleep and that's frightening.

The phone isn't going to matter much in the long run, it isn't. Don't let it rob you of any peace.

There is an interesting documentary film on BBC iPlayer called HyperNormalisation if you need to kill a nearly 3 hours tonight (it's long!).

Sorry to hear you are feeling so miserable . Think of it as a rollercoaster; there are ups and downs but you are still moving forward. Keep going.

Oh Brank you've been such a rock. You've been very, very special to me, long after you've forgotten about this silly old Lush, I'll remember that you held my hand.

Hey userf and fusion I've stopped crashing about and I've had a shower. I'm fed up but I'm not going to mess up in the next few minutes/tonight. I'm so grateful for your insight. I really, really am. This is bollocks, there is no effing pink cloud, but you make it sound possible.

Hope you have had an ok night Wind, even if spent in the company of the washing machine. (FWIW I have been known to crawl into cupboards, under desks etc when feeling very low. I think it's a primal safety thing)

Your mum's visit is definitely triggering for you, something I can 100% empathise with. For now can you simply acknowledge that's what's making you feel so terribly anxious? "I feel like this because mum is coming. She will come and go and I will feel better again. This will not last"

Visits from my mother used to trigger huge anxiety which I coped with by binge eating and/or self harming. I had some CBT which helped me to find some balance in our relationship. I now try to simply poke fun at her criticisms, rewriting of the past etc or just tell her to shut up and fuck off. Sometimes more subtly that that, sometimes not.

Anyway this was a long process and I still have a way to go (still eat or harm as coping mechanisms) but I am sure that some kind of rebalancing of your relationship with your mum is one of those things you can think about in the future once you have conquered the drink.

Do you walk OP?
I have found walking for 50 mins or so can reframe my mind, the endorphins released by about 35 mins means I am feeling quite positive compared to the spinning brain I set out with. I am in a better mood when I get home.

And there are so many podcasts, audible books you can listen to nowadays on a phone or ipod. It can take you into another world. But rather than always being somewhere else I find, as stated above, that my mind is much calmer after a walk with no distraction.

If you can walk daily or several times a week within the a week or so you are feeling less out of breath and fitter.

Hi Wind,

Just a quick check in for today, and to tell you I hope all goes well with your mum as regards the phone today.

Don't let your mum get away with any shit today. Don't have a blazing row with her, but don't let any snide comments fall by the wayside either, confront her with them and ask her what she means by them.....ask her is that what she was thinking when she was acting like a bitch when you were younger....start to make her think about her actions.

Lurker here. Have a look at the sensory direct website to see if there is anything that would be useful for you.

You can get weighted / compression clothes, blankets, etc.
www.sensorydirect.com/deep-pressure.html

Wind I've had to login and comment. I've read every single post and comment and I've laughed at your posts and felt so sad by your story xxx just wanted to say I cannot believe how far yoy have come. These are just words and sound empty but I find you so funny and fascinating! You say you have no friends but I would love to be your friend. You have so much to give. So much worth in you. I wish I lived closer so I could help you. Just know that at least yhis person thinks you are worth so much!

You* sorry

Just a tiny tiny practical point re the sodding inappropriate phone. Can you persuade your DD it is far too good to take out of the house and just let her use it in the wifi. Then there is no SIM card, no phone number to be given to your mother and you can keep control over it? But your DD still gets to use it at home. It will work for everything except phone calls and texts. It would still allow email, Whatsapp, Facebook etc though. But your mum doesn't need to be given the contact details for these.

I hope you are still off the booze. It sounds tough, but you sound tough too. Well done to you.

Hello Wind

I'm sorry it's so tough at the moment. The anticipation of your mum coming over will not be helping but can you imagine her in this tiny little box that she is simply unable to grow from and she is forever going to be stuck in there because she is unable to self-reflect and grow whilst you, when you're ready, have a whole wide wonderful world waiting for you?

Don't beat yourself up over the phone situation - right now perhaps it's better that you pick your battles (the drink being the most important one) and when you are stronger you can move on to other battles.

I keep looking at ikydz for our house. It's a box that you plug into your router, then can control all wi fi enabled gadgets in the house ( up to 50).
You can restrict or block things like facebook, whatsapp, etc.

I'm with the previous posters, removed sim, and have it used as an internet device.

www.ikydz.com/

(DS currently angling for an ipad mini for 10th birthday. He is trying to sweeten the deal by saying we get get this too...)

Inflatable waistcoat :

www.squeasewear.com/

Nothing wrong with KFC; it's better to be eating than not! And it's a good amount of protein which you said tends to help you (it will as it helps balance your blood sugar). You are doing so well Wind.

Do you ever listen to audio books or podcasts in the night. I've had a bad few nights and listening to podcasts has helped get me through (I love R4 In Our Time for a combination of interesting and soporific).

So have you some strategies in place for tonight? Assuming you've had a hard day you'll need to keep your mind busy to stop yourself going over every word between you and your mother. Any programmes you can get into enough? How about writing, anything, from how you feel after a day with mother to a kids story about fairies, to a horror story, whatever helps? Can you do the clean your teeth and bed routine? Or have you at least put a duvet by the washing machine? You need to look after yourself tonight, acknowledge whatever feelings she's stirred up but use your strength to move on. Easier said than done. Use the phone numbers people have given you, they wouldn't have given them if they weren't happy to talk to you.
God I'm being bossy tonight! Just look after yourself x

Thinking of you tonight after the visit. I hope she didn't get to you. We're here for you if you need us! X

Checking in and thinking of you after what was probably a shitty day - with emotions you don't know how to feel flying around all over the place. Stay strong.

Hi Wind, hope today hasn't been as hideous as you feared. However it has turned out, at least it's almost over now.

Can you watch some mindless tv later, kids movies can be a great distraction. I watched Frozen for the first time today, yes I know I'm probably the only one who hasn't seen it

Hi - checking in very briefly to say Ive not had a chance to even read all the generous, lovely posts.

She swooped out about 5 minutes ago and I'm going to cuddle my kids until they're asleep. I am little bit (sober) giddy that I won't have to see her for ages now. I've been dreading this for MONTHS. I'm free until at least March!

Back in a bit.

Well done. Stay strong. Xx

Just wanted to send you a hug and say well done for another getting through another day - it won't be long and you'll have moved on from getting through to enjoying each day xx

Brilliant! You're doing so well. Today must have been very hard and I really feel for you.
But you've done it. Another day ticked off (nearly)

Hooray! A weight off your mind having her gone I'm sure. Your mother and her mind games were not what you needed right now. Brilliant work getting through it, although I confess I am curious to hear the details!

Cuddling your kids to sleep sounds wonderful. Just think, they will not have to spend a single moment in their adult lives feeling like you do about your mother because instead they have YOU. Perhaps not perfect, but certainly kind and thoughtful and loving and understanding and forgiving. I think they will look back and be glad to call you their mum.

Praying for a good night for you Wind

Amazing! Fantastic news that she's flown off for 6 months! Insert broomstick emoji!