Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Hi bobbin and married.

I'm tentatively proud of myself today - last night was HORRIBLE. I was scared stiff for hours on end, but one minute at a time I sat with it.
I can't live under the stairs forever obviously, but for now it's useful. And a bit bonkers.
If you ever come back this way and see this yellow I'm keen to know more about the rollers at work you mentioned. They sound amazing.

Everything seems nail bitingly anxious and yet stupendously dreary.

Wind do you feel there is anything you'd be able to do to occupy your mind?

I do understand (I think) the mixed feeling of anxiety and monotony. Not from the point of view of coming out of an addiction, but from when I have been in some scarily dark places. It is weirdly all consuming yet also very empty and utterly boring. Oh, and distracting in a constant and exhausting way so as to make concentrating on anything half useful quite impossible.

BUT I do remember in the absolute worst time of my life, realising that I just wouldn't make it through like that, and forcing myself to read out of desperation. I read easyish story books because concentrating was so hard (About A Boy by Nick Hornby was one). And once I had started it was such a sanctuary. I couldn't manage television or conversation or shopping or eating or working without falling apart, but reading let me escape my thoughts and got me through. It was very unexpected as I had imagined it would be in the same vein as those other activities.

Could you find anything like that for those night like last night?

Morning Wind, Well done. It's fine to stay by the washing machine if it helps. Are you having caffeine? I find it makes anxiety worse when I'm suffering. Possibly something to consider if you're having coffee etc.

I think Brankolium's thoughts are good too.

I must confess to being a long-time lurker. I've read the whole thread & felt compelled to congratulate you on taking these first few steps towards sobriety & self-acceptance. You really are an inspiration to all who are battling demons - big & small. Just keep on keeping on. You're stronger than you think.

Hopefully self-acceptance in the sense that you are a good person who deserves to be happy.

Can you join a group, to talk to people with the same issue. It might help you meet new friends and also maybe help you stop the drinking with the right support. All of us make bad decisions, I've made lots of friendship mistakes and opened my mouth to people I shouldn't, but we learn from it. Some of us have small regrets some of us have big regrets but we have to look to the future and make the most of life because life is short.

Hi 'Wind,

Just home so thought I'd pop by, I know this time of night is sometimes a challenge.
Hoping that you're tucked up in bed, but in case you're under the stairs again, I've brought you and a for company x

How's it going Wind......just keep on keeping on wherever you're at, one minute at a time, the hours will flow by again soon and you'll be busy being fabulous and energetic and having your great life, it is possible, it will happen......

Hi to anyone still reading. White knuckle, teeth grinding awfulness Iis all I have to report. Im miserable.

wind I didn't want to read and run. It's been nearly two hours since you posted - how are you?

Hi Wind

Hang on tight - you can do this.

Hi Wind, hope is all going good. Think of how far you have come, and it's usually the hardest things to do thy make us stronger.

I had thought about drinking earlier this week, things going on with daughter etc. and I also thought I wasn't getting anything from not drinking. I had a good day with dd in London ds is sitting here and we are watching a film and that wouldn't be happening if I was still drinking.

Also I have previously sent my number. If you think you are going to pick up a drink please give me or someone else in Aa a call.

You are miserable, but you are doing it nonetheless.

Kudos.
That is what strength is.

Are you still going to meetings?
Ray Winstons or otherwise?

Hi Wind, I have a few ideas. Your journey to a new sober life is really tough and so you need strategies to cope when things are miserable such as now. May be write it all out ? Then pretend to be your own counsellor and give yourself a to do list, no matter how small, so that you can get your mind absorbed in something else?

I used to imagine a little pacman in my head gobbling up toxic, negative thoughts and the image of that going on made me remember my sense of humour.

Not sure if any of these strategies will work but give it a try please...x

I'm new to your thread and just read the first and last pages and wanted to say, before I go and read some more, how amazing you are doing. My mum did what you are doing when we were your children's ages, so I didn't fully appreciate it at the time - but I appreciate what she did now, now we have a good relationship and to be honest, the fact she's still alive and she fought to survive, however hard it was. One day at a time - you can do it x

Wind, I've skimmed through here whilst DD2 is snoring on me.
You write rather beautifully.
You're stuck in a rut, unhappy with how you look, how you behave, your lack of job and finances, and everything else that makes up your life. You're overwhelmed and anxious and probably pissed off. You know what? Things can and will get better - and you can help them along by taking baby steps.
See your GP
Reduce your drinking
Look at eating better - SW has great meals and they meet, which means a potential social life and friends.
You need to write down all the things you're proud of - there will be stuff. Think about all the challenges you've overcome. Own your good bits and accept your bad. It's happened. Move on and up.
Think about where you want to be next year. In 3 years. In 5 years. Now think about how you'll do that - what steps do you need to take to achieve these goals? What do you need to eliminate from your life?
Try to make sure you get out of the house every day - a 30 minute walk will do you wonders mentally and physically.
Be kind to yourself, whatever your history. We all have one, but it's only relevant to shape your future - you learn from your mistakes and move on.
Write. Write. Write. Get all your negative and positive thoughts out. Write some more.
Things will get better, if you want them to. We all can change our lives - the first step is the hardest but it gets easier xx

Wind, how are those white knuckles? Keep going. It's really tough but you're beating this.

I'm not doing very well I'm afraid. Sorry to anyone/everyone. I, rather revoltingly, drove out to a KFC effing miles away as displacement activity, drank a pint of Peosi and a massive pile of hot wings. It was disgusting. I don't know where to put myself. I've never been an eater. Without booze I'm bonkers and my mum is coming over tomorrow with a phone I've stuck my head in the sand over, so I'm going a bit mental.

Hold tight, never mind the KFC. You're winning the sober battle and that's the priority.

Pepsi and hot wings is a vey very good choice when faced with the alternative - you're not revolting, you've made a good decision!

Can you see that you have chosen a displacement activity? This is incredibly positive!

Well I think you're doing great you're tackling this, who cares you ate chicken wings and drank Pepsi? You're doing your best

Wind think of the serenity prayer and I know you aren't religious so I'll try and break it down another way for the way you feel at the minute;

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change- you can't change the fact that you are an alcoholic, what your mother did in the past, the attitude of your mother etc

The courage to change the things I can - YOU can decide to change the fact that dd is getting a mobile, YOU can change how you feel about your mother by telling her no, dd is not getting a mobile, you can change the dynamic of your relationship with your mother by not standing for her shit

The wisdom to know the difference....I've given you a few pointers, you need to work out the difference for yourself.

You are doing brilliantly!!! You're an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink today. That's an incredible achievement and you should be very proud of yourself.

Any meetings tomorrow?? Do you talk to any AAs outside the meetings? Definitely worth building a blanket of people around you if you can.