Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Hi Wind, just checking in really. So pleased you're still hanging on and making progress

Hi Wind. Sorry just read the first and last couple of pages. You are doing so well. I was in a 12 step programme for a while (Overeaters Anonymous) and I identify so much with your misgivings. I have been there with wanting to fling chairs across the room and storm out! What I clung onto was the saying 'take what you like and leave the rest'. I hated all the steps beyond step 3, hated all the God stuff, hated the dire threats that if I ever left I would sink into even worse addiction (I did leave and I'm fine), I think it has a lot in common with a cult, and yet I still found it helpful: the peer support, people who understand and are unshockable, a list of phone numbers you can call any time - I found all these invaluable. A lot of the sayings are cheesy but helpful: 'I can do for one day what I could not do for a lifetime' was really helpful to me, also 'one bite/drink is too many and a thousand are never enough'.

Another approach that might be useful to you is the approach of Kathleen DesMaisons who argues for a nutritional approach to alcoholism and sugar addiction. Basically upping protein and brown carbs massive reduces cravings. The simple thing of having a protein shake every morning at breakfast made as much of a difference to me as OA. I realise reading some new theory in a book is probably the last thing you want to do, but just try upping your protein at breakfast if you can and see if it helps your cravings.

I'm also a total chronic insomniac and it utterly utterly sucks. I had a couple of months of sleeping well last year and life was SO easy!!! It actually made me be a lot less harsh on myself as I realised how much easier life would be if I slept well, so I stopped comparing myself so harshly with people who sleep.

Sorry for epic post. I could talk lots about feeling worthless and suicidal too but I'll leave it there for now!

Hey mrscog. Thanks for being here. I'm grinding my teeth into a powder, but I'm sober.

Golly Terrified!loads to think about there. Much of it screams out to me. I am always better after protien and momentarily better after sugar, but only immediately after getting up and I've never eaten desserts. I get so nauseous (even now) I can't accept food. Alcohol has spent years waking me up at 6pm - in bits and broken after a hard day, it's been liquid enthusiasm for me.

Ooh, I see this has now moved to relationships. Good idea, it would have been a shame to have lost the record of all your progress. Have you read it back through yourself Wind?

My household love the Bake Off too. Hey, perhaps there's a new career in there for you as a witty baking blogger. It would solve your problems - creative writing outlet , sugar cravings , climbing the walls with boredom

Glad the meeting felt better. Are any of them ones that you have returned to?

terrified I'm suddenly aware all I did was take there. I'm sorry. Hows the sleep? Tiredness flips me into a total mess, so I hear you.

Hi Brank - i feel a bit weird about making this difting sand permanent, but I hope it will be an anchor one day when it's pants . I hope a few lurkers might come and play too.

I'm glad the thread is staying!

Wind, I have so much respect for you and how well you're doing.

The sugar thing surprised me too but there is a fucktonne of sugar in booze so it's no wonder your body is craving it. Give in - stuff your face. It was around this time of year that I stopped drinking and a family tub of Halloween chocolate in a night was not unusual

You can worry about weight later. Just kick the booze now.

Definitely don't stress about "God" - it's not a man in the clouds concept. Every single person in AA has a different interpretation of their higher power. Mine is more of a Power / spirit of the Universe kind of thing - definitely not a religious connotation anywhere near it.

I'm not expecting you to give Wind this is your thread! I'm glad if some of my post spoke to you. I think so many of these problems are interlinked. I often feel like insomnia, depression, anxiety and eating disorders (for me) are a vicious circle which is so hard to unpick. The advice to help depression is to sleep and eat well - the advice to help insomnia is to relax and eat well - the advice to help eating disorders/addiction is to avoid getting too tired or low ... You get the picture! Having said that, I think you're right to tackle the addiction first, it has such a damaging effect over everything.

I'm on a sleeping pill phase at the moment. I will suffer for it later but occasionally I give in to the pills until they stop working in general thouhh I am a lot better than I used to be, and more forgiving of myself when I'm in a bad patch which definitely helps.

Just sat and read this entire thread. It's so inspiring!!

Mamaka - gawd - I don't feel that inspiring.

However, I am here, and I'm eating a malted milk biscuit while scowling. Furiously.

Hello fusion my lovely

Wise words, as usual. Yesterday was bad, I didn't eat all day ( I often don't) then volunteered for 4 hours in a busy standing up place, then went to a meeting which was new and particularly religious. I've been to enough to know I need to get perspective but I was a mess and needed food, but couldn't eat. This brand new dependence on sugary drinks does me no favours.

I just wrote some stuff about how wildly different AA groups are and deleted it to do it well if and well I do it again.

I feel like a 4 year old, but is there anyone around to tell me to go to bed?

I want to go to bed, but I really really really want to go to the 24 hour Tesco too.

This is really hard

Go to bed!!

The relief of ticking off another day will be worth it.
Waking up instead of coming to will be worth it
Remembering what you did will be worth it
Being present and connected for those around you will be worth it
Not having that dreadful, shameful realisation will be worth it
Sleep rather than a drunken coma will be worth it

Have you heard anyone mention HALT at meetings??

Everyone is more vulnerable if they are: hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

You must try to control the ones you can i.e. Hungry and to a certain extent tired.

Also, if you are feeling wobbly, if you can say 'oh yes, I'm tired that's why I feel like this' I find it easier to ignore it because I've acknowledged it and 'tired' isn't that scary. Even 'angry' is acceptable if you've given it a name and accepted it's not going to last forever.

fusion you are an effing life saver. I'm supposed to be feeling better. I'm embarrassed to say that even jamming myself into the gap, under the stairs against the washing machine, in the dark isn't working. And that's crackers on too many levels to unravel .

I've been lurking until now because I don't know that I have any business to be on this thread! I just stumbled upon it and have been in awe of the fight you are showing in battling the hold that the drink has had over you.

I've delurked only to say that you are most likely craving sugary drinks because you are very hungry and your body sees a sugary drink as a quick fix to your energy depletion. Try to make a point of eating a little something throughout the day: toast, crackers, cheese, tinned fish (if you like it) and the like are very quick and easy to organise if you feel overwhelmed at the thought of making/eating a full meal and might give you enough to avoid the sugar cravings.

Keep battling, and keep writing. It's therapeutic and you have a very natural talent for it.

ineed I'm so grateful that you're posting to help me.

The washing machine is a warm, soft, predictable hum. It's stopped nowb

Ignore the b :-)

Morning wind. I hope you managed some sleep. I'm not remotely knowledgable, but those last few comments you, and others made, do shout that today you need to find some of this incredible strength of yours to try to eat more. I find the little and often like INeed said much better than trying to eat full meals when I'm tired or ill. Even if it's half a slice of toast, then one cracker an hour later, then an hour after that a piece of cheese ( yes I'm pinching her food ideas!) and so on through the day.
Can you set a bedtime, the same each night? At 11pm go and clean teeth etc and go to bed, I think you started this at the beginning but have you carried it on? Even if you end up back with ye old faithful washing machine later in the night, would the physical " right it's 11pm, it's bedtime" help?
Other than that, just saying, still here, still in awe of you and still thinking of you. Keep going. Supporter 81 x

I've been lurking too, just popped on at the beginning to cheer your first sober night. But I have been dropping in to see how you're getting on and silently cheering you on as I go about my day. You have a quiet army behind you, and we're here for the long haul!

I'm not dealing with the terrors you are at the moment but still find your journey inspiring and helpful for me in my own small battles. And have come back to agree that tiny bits of food throughout the day is the way to go, and a bedtime routine at the same time each night.

if it's your thing find a series you like on radio I player and start an episode as you get into bed. If I'm particularly struggling I listen to something I've heard many times before, reassuring and a bit boring, helps me switch off. Have a good day love.

Good morning Wind, crossing my fingers that you managed to wind down enough to rest.

Had an early start as have DGS today and off to see Lion King finally tonight- something I've promised myself for years. Hope I'm awake enough to enjoy it!

Wishing you a positive day, I think you're doing brilliantly

Good morning Wind. Can you try to have some breakfast? It will make such a difference.