Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Thank you both for being so kind to me, I'm disgusted by what I used to be so I expect others to feel the same. It spurs me on to be a better person though so it's not all bad.

I think we saw our chance for a better life and grabbed for it Brank, neither of us were happy so it was a no-brainer really. DH had somehow managed to retrain during one of our 'trying to quit' phases but hadn't really done anything with the qualification until everything happened and we moved. His career has totally taken off in the last couple of years though and it's transformed him. He has self worth now, something he never had before which probably contributed significantly to why he used.

I'm a work in progress, I'm home educating our DD which is incredibly rewarding but I'm beginning to wonder if I might have more to give.

Hi wind so pleased to hear of your progress, and it's such amazing progress even if it feels hard. I agree with everyone else - do one thing at a time. Over time you will need to look at your relationship, but unless you feel you definitely need to be away from him to give up drink then it's probably best to keep the status quo.

hiding you did the right thing and turned everything around, in a situation which required immense courage and resolve. You've suffered enough. You are brilliant, well done.

Just checking in with you Wind. How has today been? Any interesting meetings recently. Any news?

Hello. I guess I'm doing ok - I still feel completely doomed and exhausted. Can't sleep, wracked with anxiety that I thought would at least go away as my reward for kicking my best mate to the kerb. It's not fun. Weirdly I'm desperate for sugar. I never have sugar. I'm shaky and still in a rotten black hole where my life should be. Whatever is said, AA does want total faith in God, which freaks me out. They'll let you lead yourself in gently, but over and over I've been told it's not really going to work without faith in something non human. This doesn't sit well with me and makes me squirm quite a lot. I don't believe and more significantly have no desire to have my mind changed. It's really, really hard. Sorry I'm not being very upbeat.

Hi Wind, if it helps, I'm having a really shitty day today too. Re the higher power thing don't fret too much on it, that's why aa refers to a God of your understanding. Lift a bottle of wine down from the cupboard, and think of the things that made you do....is that not a power greater than you?

Think of turning on the light switch, there's a whole lot happens that we don't understand and the lights still come in.

The higher power spoken about isn't necessarily God, it can be a similar thing to a machine being greater than the sum of its parts, i.e. The fellowship of AA is big enough to stop people drinking whereas a crowd in a bar are not.

Give it time.

I don't want to give it time. I want to give it effing wine. It keeps 'occurring' to me, like a Eureka brain wave 'duh! Wine! THATS what you've forgotten, you blockhead! How could you be SO daft?'

IT SUCKS. I don't WANT to be sober, not in this heap of crap I'm supposed to refer to as my life, I just don't want to be al the things not being makes me.

If one more sparkly eyed, peachy cheeked, smiley ex convict tells me how grateful and joyous they are in the light I'm going to have to start screaming.

I've just made a vat of onion soup. It is uniquely awful. Justifiably my children are refusing to have anything to do with it and one of them is wearing a pillowcase over her head. My kitchen was clean and now I've got to go back in there and mess it up without any plan of what to mess it up with. My kitchen is like Central Park after dark for me. It is where I drink. Fast, with a closed door.

Wind, you're life will creep back to being something that feels wonderful and worthwhile. At the moment, wine has sucked that out of you so removing wine doesn't automatically fix things. That Eureka moment is a trick - wine has not exactly done you any favours in the past has it?! Keep fighting.

And in the meantime, have you looked into any non-AA groups? Or an addiction psychiatrist (I feel that was suggested upthread somewhere). AA isn't the only path - horses for courses and all that!

Sorry, let me correct that - your life will gradually become something that feels wonderful and worthwhile. I realise that part of the reason you are here is that it never felt wonderful due to your abusive past.

Hi. Believe me, I am fighting. I would be writing anything at all if I wasn't fighting. I'd be necking an 'I love Longleat' mug of gut rot plonk in one and then downing the backswill.

Wine would make you feel better in the short term but what about tomorrow morning? Will you still feel better then or will you feel sick with disappointment and disgust at yourself, crushingly dispirited and depressed that things are back to the 'normal' you were trying so hard to change and back to the utter hopelessness you felt at the beginning of this thread? Only you know which is worse, having to resist now or suffering the consequences afterwards.

This was never going to be a quick fix, we've all been telling you to tackle the drink first and everything else later but doing it that way means that the only thing improving for now is the problem with drink, you're seeing no improvement in the rest of your life. That will mean you have tough times like today when you wonder what you're doing all this for and you struggle to see the point. The pay off comes later but knowing that doesn't help much when you're feeling how you do today.

And yes, I can see that smiley ex convicts would be annoying when you're feeling shitty, am assuming you're in for the night now though and we don't mind how cantankerous you are or how much you scream, we can take it so don't hold back

They don't talk about the misty eyed nostalgia for having your stomach heave on chat shows.

And you are an incredibly strong person to be ignoring the drain-cleaner-in-novelty-mug option

hiding I do know that stuff. I really do. I don't want to know it today. I want to lie down, on my equivalent of a supermarket floor, then scream blue murder until someone is embarrassed enough to rearrange the entire universe to my liking. And then buys me that comic with the stickers I like, because they're No Match for my tantrum, and it's easier that way and I might be sick on the car seat again. I am very much in touch with my inner parent.

Oh I know you are fighting! Keep spewing your thoughts here, whatever gets you through. Or can you go for a walk?

I feel so bad that I'm laughing at your posts today, not the feelings behind them of course but the way you express them. It would be a crying shame if you didn't find some way to harness that talent when this is all over.

But yes, I know you know all that, and I know you don't want to hear it today. Do you know what you do want apart from wine? Is there anything we can do to make tonight easier for you?

Would it help if I just said that I understand, that I know what it's like to want to give in to the craving and fuck the consequences? That I know what it feels like to be pulled in two directions at once, wanting to give in but knowing deep down it won't be worth it if you do? That I know what it's like to know there is no satisfactory option, that you're going to feel shit whichever way you jump?

Only thing is I also know what it's like to come out the other side. If you don't cave there is an end in sight, a point where you will feel better. If you do cave you're either delaying that point because you have to start all over again or you will never get there because your addiction has won.

Might now be a good time to find that mindless activity? Play some solitaire, download a brain numbing game on your phone, something so you don't have to think about how crap you feel? I'm not going anywhere if you just want to chat instead, whatever will get you through

It's probably unconstitutional to be cat bum mouthed during Bake Off.

Probably . Until next year when it heads to Channel 4; it'll be cats' bum mouths all round then!

Do you like The Bake Off normally or is it your children that watch it?

We all watch it Brank. It is one of the few times we all get together these days!

Just passing, I haven't read the full thread, forgive me not reading 745 pp's. You've most likely heard this before but in case it helps:
Everyone needs coping mechanisms. Some people manage to choose positive, healthy ones. Some people choose to abuse alcohol, cigarettes, food, drugs.
Focus on one day/hour at a time.
Get all of the booze out of the house. Keep away from the shops. Order your groceries online and have them home delivered or send your DC to get occasional items.
Congratulate yourself for a massive achievement every time you make a healthier choice for yourself. Search online for 'coping mechanisms' and 'treats' to reward yourself with - there are probably suggestions on MN.
Don't beat yourself up if you make an unwise decision, move on and focus on making a better choice for your wellbeing next time, on doing well enough. No-one's life is perfect. Think small steps.
Nurture your inner child. Try Home Coming, John Bradshaw and Recovery of your Inner Child, Lucia Capacchione.
It sounds like your anxiety levels are sky high. Start with breathing out for longer than you breathe in. It has a physiologically-based calming effect. Then notice your thoughts coming into your head, stopping like a train at a station there and then moving through, out of your head on the other side. Notice how they make you feel. Then notice the next thought passing through. And the next. You don't have to act on them. Just notice. Think about stilling your mind regularly with yoga or focussing on your breathing with all your mental energy for 5 mins or getting out of the house with DC. Anything to distract yourself to get through those twitchy moments.
Something less wooooo - start a blog to document how you are feeling. You have a way with words and a wry sense of humour. It might even be therapeutic.
Every moment of every day, be kind to yourself. You can do it.
Incidentally, these are also notes to self.

I am new to your thread Wind and I am really really impressed by your progress, look at your original OP, 30th September versus where you are today, amazing progress.

You are very strong, very witty and articulate. You can't fast forward your recovery, sorry you are feeling shit today but you are doing great.

Hi Wind, hope today is feeling a little brighter for you. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away it seems to be right now.

I haven't managed to get into the current series of GBBO but do enjoy watching the creative process. A colleague of my sisters kindly baked me a gluten free orange drizzle cake using a recipe from the programme. She was distraught because she couldn't prise it out of the tin- one of those round ones with hole in that looks like a jelly mould- so sent it still inside. I got it out in 3 or 4 pieces so it was a bit untidy, like when you take a spoonful of trifle. Didn't care, it tasted bloody lovely

I can't remember the last time we all watched tv together although DD , her fiancé and I enjoyed Marriage at First Sight the other night. They've just booked their wedding. It's an intriguing concept, which has as much chance of working as any other matchmaking I suppose!

Have you got a meeting today?

Hi keep - that's a lovely thing to do, and I really appreciate it. There's lots of ideas in there. I'm wading through the days as best I can and I hope you're not suffering too much.

furry kudos if you read the whole damn thing! They're lovely words to send to a lost soul and people like you taking the time to reach out to a stranger might actually have saved my life - you'll never know how powerful a few words on a forum to someone lonely can be.

Hi lovely married yes, just got back from another meeting. A new one again, but I'm starting to see familiar faces. I had a better feeling about this one than yesterday's. I am not ready for people being wildly enthusiastic yet.

Afternoon Wind. Have you decided whether or not you want to try to keep this thread yet? Or let it expire?

Hi bad - I've asked to have it moved today.

IF ANYONE POSTED SONETHING ON HERE ON THE BASIS IT WAS iIN 30 DAYS ONLY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME MOVING THIS AND GET IT REMOVED AS NECESSARY