Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Thinking of you here too. Hope all ok.

Morning wind, again what Brankolium said . Thinking of you

Fourthing what Brankolium said. Hope you're ok.

Hello, kind folks. I'm fine, not even fallen off the wagon, though goodness me its not easy. I've been in a really weird place. I asked DH to go out and buy wine, and he did. I didn't drink it, but it's something I've always known he would do, if I asked. I don't even like typing this. He's not some sort of pusher, it's not that bad, but he will not 'stand up' to me. I've asked, sometimes begged him to 'stop' me drinking and he knows I want to stop, but when it comes down to it, if I ask him to help me drink, he does. It's literally making me wince typing this. It's not his job to police my behaviour, nor to hold me to account, but he's never drawn any lines in the sand so I can't ask him for help or rely on him to ask me to question my own behaviour. It's a very weird relationship. I had a tawdry affair years ago and it was swept under the carpet and we moved on. There, said it. He's always behaved like I was too good to be true and would do anything for me, including buying me wine when I really shouldn't be drinking it and turning a blind eye when I behave badly. I don't want to have to deal with everything at once. It really is all a mess. felt like I knew what to address first last week, and still do, but every single aspect of my life is a disaster area and without the booze I'm going to have to look at it. It's overwhelming.

So that's where I've been.

Hope you're OK, Wind.

Sorry pressed send too soon. Glad you're OK and well done for not touching the wine.

I know exactly what you know about an enabling DH. Mine is the same and he does it because he loves me and that is his way of showing it. I am trying "hard" to lose weight. I put it in speech marks because although it is a serious goal of mine and I need to for my self esteem and my health he will often pour me a glass of wine or serve up a highly calorific (but utterly delicious) meal and my willpower is crap. Mañana, mañana.

I have been hugely inspired by your thread though and have just had my first ever session with a personal trainer. I bloody hate exercise but hopefully this will be the driving force I need. Mañana, I hope, has finally arrived thanks to you.

sw1. Go you!!!! That's massively uplifting. It's tough having to find the spark in yourself, isn't it? A personal trainer is a great idea if you need to have someone else to be accountable to in the early days.

I've been with DH since I was 16 and I'm ashamed to say we have created between us an environment where I can remain perpetually adolescent. There are no consequences. I crash around making poor decisions and he always forgave me. I'm 42, in a complete mess and now I'm faced with having to grow up in the middle of a fire sale. It would all be so much easier to just get pissed.

Stick with it sw1, it will be worth it to feel a sense of personal growth. Or shrinkage in your case :-)

Wind - you do know how huge an achievement that is? You had wine within your grasp. And you chose not to drink it. That is HUGE. MASSIVE.

At some point, you're going to have to talk to your DH about what he should do if you ask for wine. It's entirely possible he might need some counselling to work through appropriate strategies to deal with it.

Wind, selfishly, it's good to 'see' you back here, and I'm delighted that your willpower has remained stronger than temptation.
I can see why you find everything so daunting but you don't have to fix it all in one hit. There's no time limit so one step at a time will do!

Your DH sounds well intentioned and perhaps at a loss as to how to do the right thing, without intending to sound mean you both seem to have the ostrich gene. Perhaps it's just the coping mechanism that has enabled you to potter on together, and it may help or hinder you as you progress.
As I've said before, nobody will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself.

You're worth far more effort than it takes to get pissed lady, and if finally growing up teaches you to see that much I'll be thrilled. You've come so far already

Hello -queen and married our relationship is bizarre. I don't know how to explain it, but there is absolutely no chance he would even consider any kind of counselling. He barely speaks to anyone at all about anything. He's all monosyllables and lack of eye contact. It's fair to say he's a bit odd. He adores me, but even he is having trouble now. We have to carry each other in different ways. I demand he parents me, he refuses, we embody a disastrous transnational analysis dynamic and then cling to each other for dear life non the less. We are each other's only fanily.

Wind - unless it's actually helpful to you to think about it right now, there's nothing wrong with putting your relationship with your DH in a mental box and file it away for later consideration. You've got a lot to work through right now, and tackling everything at once might be a step too far.

That only works if your relationship with your DH isn't actually damaging your recovery. And you're the only person who can decide that.

I think keep tackling the alcohol first, then look at relationships. The drink will cloud your thinking, so any work on relationships may have to be redone after that. I also have a new entry on the blog with a third written, although I'm not sure if it will be published.

I have to agree with the two previous PP: tackling everything at once could prove way too much. I think it's fine for the sake of yourself and your daughters to concentrate at getting yourself sorted with the alcohol first since it tends to cloud everything anyway thus rendering rational decision making a pointless task.

There is no doubt being without your 'crutch' will expose other issues which yes, eventually will have to be dealt with but I agree with queen and user, now is not the time. Single minded focus on getting and staying sober is plenty to be dealing with for the time being and the rest will wait until you feel strong enough. Don't fall into that trap of thinking everything has to be sorted at once, you're awesome, not superhuman 😏

Guh! I'm BORED OUT OF MY TINY MIND AND CLIMBING THE BLOODY WALLS. It's rubbish and it's not going to get any better and I really want to throw a meltdown toddler tantrum.?

I'm horribly, increasingly aware that I may have completely ruined my liver, stomach, children's childhood and life because I've been too lazy to entertain myself adequately as a rational adult. There are 4 people in this house not talking to one another. It's like being in a waiting room.

Hi Wind, I'm so glad to see you're back! I was worried about you today. I'm so impressed that you didn't touch the wine.

I was thinking about what you said about your husband. Maybe subconsciously he doesn't want you to stop drinking because it might result in him losing you. Maybe he's happy with the status quo.

I agree with the others. Get your recovery onto a really secure footing first, before you tackle relationships.

Any word on the dreaded iPhone situation?

B x

You only started drinking heavily 3 years ago, is that right? I'm hopeful that your body will recover if you continue to stay sober.

Can't you find something to distract you? Read a book or listen to an audio tape of a book. Or watch a box set? Or just chat to us!! Are you interested in films? I was thinking that you could go to the cinema on your own during the day occasionally (finances permitting). Or what about going for a swim? You say you live in East Kent, are you close to the sea? A seaside walk? I think you need to exhaust yourself during the day. Are you still applying for jobs?

Sorry for all the questions!

Also, what did you think of my rescue dog suggestion up thread?! It could bring you and the girls together.

Do all four of you eat together? Do you chat at dinner?

Oh dear. One of those nights. How's your concentration levels at the moment? I ask because it may help to determine what you're able to do, assuming you're not ready to start writing that book yet Of course you may just change the wifi code again...

I'm still home from work for another week and the highlights ahead include 2 hospital appointments, wondering if my car will start after 2 weeks of extra neglect (assuming my knee and insurance co will let me drive) and working out whether the surveyors suggestion to seal the false widow spiders lurking near my porch in with mastic is madness or genius...

I found this link when I googled for ideas to alleviate your boredom. I taught myself to crochet recently using YouTube tutorials and so far have managed to make a hat which fits a 6 inch Barney the dinosaur

Some of the TED talks are interesting and don't need a lot of concentration. Also bored panda.

Excuse the paddy. It's not so bad now. I've still not got used to the very new phenomenon of the children wanting to be in their own rooms. They used to clamber all over us and chat and allow us to fail to spot how little we were communicating as a couple these days.

I'm being really dramatic. We cook and eat together around the kitchen table, and laugh a lot. Then everyone drifts away to do their own thing. I used to pray for half an hour to watch something i wanted to watch or do something I wanted to do . I'd do anything to be sat on and watch something dreadful that made them snort and therefore us snort with them.

I miss my babies. I miss the old drinking buddy my husband was before I ruined it. I miss having a career. I miss knowing what I was for. I miss my brother.

I would find that really tough too Wind. My girls are only 1 and 3 but I can imagine ahead and I would miss them terribly if they were in their own rooms. Is it because they have loads of homework to do? If I were in the same situation, I know I would end up being bossy and insisting on a bit of 'family time', whether that be TV, games, chatting, or whatever.

I think you can change some of these things if you want to and push for it. And we know that your husband would back you up!

Oh bad, you've been so lovely, I'd not quite clocked how young your littlies are. Take a deep breath and try to see every second of it. It's so beautiful and SO SHORT. :-)

I really am being dramatic - my kids still love me to bits, just from a distance. The big cuddles and 'love you!'s' come once or twice a day, not every 5 minutes. They laugh and sing and bowl into me for snuggles all the time. They like to be in their rooms because they've found music and minecraft. The 'music' they have found is, horrifically, Grime. Minecraft is not somewhere I can go too. They reappear, demand a cuddle, and sod off again, but it's not snuggling on the living room sofa watching Zoe Ball anymore. And they've a long way to go away from all the cosy times. I'm lonely.

My addiction left a really noticeable gap and I drove myself mad to begin with wondering what on earth to fill it with. I dont actually think it was as bad for me as it could have been because of the way it all happened, my whole life basically imploded and, oddly, I think I felt the gap less because everything was suddenly different.

There were still gaps in my days though and, where I would usually have filled them by using, I had to find other stuff to do instead. It really doesn't matter what, you just need something to absorb you so you don't feel the gap for now, you can figure out what your real interests are and find something productive to do once the worst is over. Jigsaw puzzles, mindless but time consuming games like Candy Crush, knitting, crochet, sudoku, solitaire with a pack of cards or on computer, adult colouring?

Keep your mind away from the big stuff however you can, thinking about the damage you may (or may not) have done to your body or the state of your relationships is counter productive at this stage because the bigger your problems seem the more likely you are to think fuck it, it's all a mess so why am I bothering to try and fix it anyway and that's when you end up reverting to your old coping strategy.

I hope that makes sense Wind, you kind of just have to coast for now, don't try to achieve anything other than getting through each night without a drink but keep your mind occupied with something easy but absorbing.

Ahh, thanks Wind. They are young, in fact the youngest only just turned one and the eldest is three next month! I absolutely love having them little. My husband finds the constant food all over the floor at mealtimes tough and I think he's looking forward to the next stage. But I love them just as they are! I would consider a third but my husband has vetoed!!

It sounds like your girls are happy, which is fantastic.

We just need to get you some hobbies!