Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Good morning Wind, glad to see you managed some sleep.

Don't fret about oversharing, the entire point of an anonymous forum is that you can offload without the repercussions of facing whoever you told stuff to. A long time ago I had years a lot of counselling after a bit of a breakdown and it took me a long time to be able to open up for fear of 1. Being judged and 2. Horrifying her. She deliberately remained a blank canvas and never gave her opinion. All I knew of her apart from her name was that she was probably married (wore a ring) and she once let slip that she had holidayed somewhere I mentioned. It was only as I left our final session that she told me how much she admired me, for surviving with dignity and not becoming bitter. Those words meant a lot to me because she knew more about me and my life than anyone ever had.

Have you found a meeting you want to regularly return to yet or are you still compiling a tour guide exploring?

(Dear usernamexxx however many of you there are- please change to a regular style MN name- we know it's the system default but it saves much confusion and suspicion when you are not just a string of numbers)

Oh god - it's not the default is it?!?!? Jesus Christ that poor, vulnerable girl!

A good night's sleep? Fantastic news.

I kept trying to write a response yesterday but couldn't quite find the right words and so would start again. In the end I ran out of time! But I was (and am) still here reading and thinking about you.

I can very much empathise with having someone devastating in your life who to the outside world is looked on as a saver of people and a good and lovely person. I could never quite work out which, if either, was the 'real' them. Were they trying to compensate one with the other? But it doesn't matter which it is because it's excruciating listening to strangers gushing about the person you feel ruined your life. It messes terribly with your head. Actually, I don't feel bitter any more but it took a long time to get to that point.

In your case, even if you allow your mother to remain in your children's lives then I doubt very much that she can have the destructive influence that she had on yours. Weirdly, truly toxic parents do sometimes seem to be able to morph into much loved and quite benign grandparents. But even if she isn't one of them, you are their mother and they love you (and you them) in a way that by the sound of it didn't exist when you were young. She doesn't have the power to come between you and them or to manipulate them against you. The power she did have was only over you because you were her daughter and she was supposed to nurture and cherish you but didn't.

If you can't share it with a counsellor could you write it all down. All of it. It might be therapeutic?

Bollock bollocks bollocks! Just tried to PM her but she's., understandably, changed her name.

user14763386717 my darling girl, you deserve far better than this sad old lady gave you last night. I hope you have a speedy return to full health and a long, prosperous future in your new relationship.

Wind you weren't actually mean, don't beat yourself up. Plus, you can click 'message poster' on the corner of their comment and send them a message regardless of whether they have name changed.

It's ok honestly, you weren't mean. It's caused a lot of problems on other threads since they introduced it which has led to much debate about whether it was a wise move on MN's part... Anyway. Moving on.

How far will your satnav take you today?

User... would have realised that you had got confused by the numbering system. Please don't worry.

Have you been to any AA meetings today Wind?

Hullo. It's not been massively easy today, but I'm here, I'm fed and I've been to 2 meetings. Feeling a bit glum, it being Friday night and this being totally alien. I've opted to while away the time watching old reruns of Downton to remind me how much worse it could all be.

Oh, and I'm sober.

It must feel like a monumental adjustment, but Downton reruns sound like a good use of time!

Have your family noticed the lack of alcohol?

Lurker here just checking in to say MASSIVE well done for being sober tonight, keep it up wind

I don't know. It's the elephant in the room between me and DH, it's not mentioned even when I do something eyebrow raising. The kids are in, what might be with hindsight, a complete headfuck. They've not seen me with a glass in my hand since I started to lose my grip on it several years ago. They've got noses. They've got eyes, but there's no sigh of relief that I've put the glassware away in favour of a mug. They can't bring up the absence of something nobody knew how to mention anyway. Messy.

Well done. You're doing fabulously! Did you watch Victoria? That might still be available on ITV catch up.

What were today's meetings like? Have you found a group that you'd like to keep going back to?

Oh mulberry, I'm so grateful! You've given me a little smile.

Hello bad - you're so amazingly kind to put so much time into being there. One of the things the meetings have taught me is that I'd like to be like you one day. I'd like to pull someone out of this mire the way you so often have done for me.

The meetings : one funny and warm, one very serious but thought provoking.

Matthew Crawleys about to die on ITV encore, so that's jolly

Victoria looked good, but I often don't/didn't have the capacity keep up with anything resembling a clever plot. The exemption to this was Woolfe Hall, which I somehow loved every second of, despite being hugely aware I hadn't seen it at all. Some part of my subconscious knew subtle things I needed to ponder had happened, but then there were sumptuous tapestries and superb hats and flickering, cosy fires, so my inner baby just watched the pretty pictures. I suspect a rerun will be a richer experience all together.

Oh Victoria is very straightforward! Not much happens in it and it's quite slow but it's pleasing somehow!

Ahh... Thank you for your lovely words. You're very kind X

Well done wind, despite having challenges you've stayed so strong.

There must be something about Downton. When I was pg with DS2 I had antenatal depression which was crippling for a few weeks whilst I got sorted. My second week off work I just lay on the sofa day after day watching Downton. There was something about it - so easy to watch.

bad it's daft - I've spent the last few years saying mañana, mañana on so many things, but silliest of all from an addiction point of view, avoiding starting the commitment to a series because you're too pissed to give it its due attention stops you finding an alternative.

Ha MrsCog - it's so extravagantly ludicrous and.also studiously silly. It feels like an adult Bagpuss. I'll leave it to you to draw appropriate parallels for Professor Yaffle and Madeline. I'm sure we could argue forever which of the mice on the mouse organ Anna structured her performance on... But you're probably not 42...

I love Bagpuss still. I am 43. the mice are my favourite. There's a fab episode where they go on strike.

I've not seen Wolfe Hall or Victoria though. DH and I are currently rewatching 'the West Wing'