Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

WF

Please stop doubting yourself. The more you reveal about your mother (and her two very separate personalities) the more unhinged she appears.

It is NOT you!

As to accessing proper, in-depth trauma therapy:

I walked into the Drs yesterday and told them quite plainly of all the utter shit I have been trough in my life and the background to it. I told them that the NHS 6 sessions CBT just isn't going to cut it, that I wasn't prepared to live my life like this any more and I have a referral to a psychiatrist for further investigation. The wait list is huge, but it's a start. I wish I'd had the right words years ago but unfortunately I had lost of puzzle pieces but didn't see that they were all part of the same puzzle.

Congratulations to your daughter! That's fantastic news for her. Try not to let the situation with your mother put a black cloud over your daughter's achievement!

Have you decided how you're going to handle the iPhone conversation? Has your mother already promised it to your daughter? If your daughter is unaware, I would definitely tell your mother not to get the phone (others have suggested wording for texts). If your daughter already knows, I would sit down with her and have a chat about it first. Maybe even come to the decision together if that's feasible?

I came on as I knew it was the 'tricky' time of night for you. You're doing really well. You're not depressing us at all!!!

X

Than you so much bad I'm sober, which is a bloody miracle. I guess I'm not a feel good story. It's messy and hopeless. My children will end up in her fan club and I'll be the bad guy. They'll never understand, and once the 'oh your mum has always been ghastly, let's go to Biarritz for the weekend my darlings to cheer you up' in their teens starts I'm totally fucked.

banty (big hug) my record is a mess. There is no way to cover how scruffy it is in a GP surgery - how the hell would you start? Even on here, when desperate, at the end of my rope, when I posted you cannot say 'hi - we don't know each other, but I'd really like to open my personal Pandora's box, right at your face, on our first meeting, without warning' Social norms still exist, even in a doctors surgery. You can cry a bit, it's even acceptable in that place to say 'I feel suicidal', but it's not ok to say 'honestly, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me'

As soon as you start even hinting at how bad it might have been, people panic and run away. Even counsellors, in my experience.

I can see what you're saying about how things could go in the future (the Biarritz comment) but you need to claim back a bit more control of the situation. They are your children. Didn't you tell them any tales of your Mum over the years? The mean things she did?

I honestly think that when the alcohol has been out of your system for longer, your despair will start to lift. You'll begin to like yourself and respect yourself a bit more. And others will follow. I'm sure your girls love you very much and respect you already.

Don't let this... and I'm sorry to say it like this but I feel like it needs to be said...evil witch have any more power over you. You decide how to parent your children.

Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to tell you what to do.

I don't think a psychiatrist would be shocked or react in the way you describe. They are normally pretty unflappable.

Does your GP practice have several GPs? Some GPs have a 'special interest' in psychiatry so if you did want to talk to a GP, maybe ask the practice manager who's best to book an appointment with (I'm speaking as a doctor myself who is considering specialising in psychiatry) x

When I said I didn't think that a psychiatrist would react in the way you describe I mean as opposed to a counsellor.

What does your husband think of his MIL?

My husband detests my mother. He's older than me, has aspergers. He took me in when I had nowhere to go as a 16 year old. He's always been so hopelessly in love with me that he puts up with anything.

bad I've never told them a single thing she did, how could I? 'Here's Granny, she's not very nice' isn't something I could do.
They think she's fabulous. If I were in their shoes I'd think she was Father Christnas in a crisp Whistles trouser suit that paid me lots of attention in Carluccios and never says no, while bringing along a kind husband in his 70s that never had kids and finds them endlessly adorable as his second chance. What's not to love??

Your children sound smart though, Wind

I think they might well see through her in time. And you're their mum. Give yourself a bit more credit here. It's you they love. Yes, they may well love Granny too, and never know the true extent of her awfulness - and my god, she sounds truly horrendous - but they'll love you more.

And congratulations to your dd. That's brilliant.

And you're doing brilliantly too.

Bless you. +lapin* - I pray that you're right. I really, really do.

Well I'm off to bed. Sober. Sorry if I overshared. It's been weird.

Don't worry about oversharing. Somehow it doesn't count when it's on here!

My own Mum had a very difficult relationship with her mother her whole life. I loved my Grandma as a child but I was very aware that she had been unkind to my Mum (put a spider in her bed on purpose when she was terrified of them, didn't let her have any friends visit ever, etc) and mum told me those stories as a child. But I can see how it could be really difficult in your situation. MY MIL is a bit nuts but I can't imagine revealing anything to my children.

I hope you had a good night's sleep.

We'll at times, last night resembled a nights sleep

Oooh, I'm envious of your nights sleep! The last time I slept was some time in 2012 (pre- small children!)! Ha ha!

Wind the people with the usernames user147xxxxx are different people, I am the one with the 19yo and 10yo. I wish I was 23!!!

Oh bollocks - shows how hypersensitive and paranoid I am right now - I thought you'd been messing with my head for a laugh.

User14763 my profound and humble apologies to you. I did a terrible thing in jumping to the wrong conclusion, particularly when you'd just shared something so raw and personal. I was rude and dismissive and I am very very sorry.

Once again, I wrote you a long post on my phone yesterday and lost it just as I was about to post. Afraid I didn't have the heart to start again...

But I want to say, I understand. About your mother. She is of course why you've fairly drowned yourself in alcohol all these years. She sounds terrifying, and I have experience of this.

NOTHING you do, drink, don't drink, whatever, will change her.

My advice is to keep yourself and your children as far away as humanly possible from such an evil, toxic, spiteful person. Better your children are cross with you, but are PROTECTED. Better you all pack up and run away to Outer Mongolia never to be seen again, than to even attempt to get her to behave reasonably over this iPhone thing. She has done a great job of making your life an utter misery. She is poison. For you and your dcs, no matter how much they think they love her. The most terrifying thing of all, is the prospect of her taking your dcs in completely and ruining your relationship with your own children.

My daughters (early twenties now) have never blamed me for not having a relationship with Granny. They are very loving and protective towards me on the subject. They were about ten and seven when it was all over with granny. They have heard over the years how she continues to abuse my siblings and their families. They are not keen on anyone wanting to be nasty to their mum.

As adults, with much more understanding, they totally appreciate that I protected them from her and are thankful. Even my exH is grateful I protected our children, and has actually said so.

My biggest comfort in life is that although my relationship with my mother has been a total disaster and a source of utter misery for me, I have wonderful relationships with both my dds. I am beyond grateful for that.

Sorry, I realise this probably isn't that helpful, as you are trying to address the alcohol situation and the mother situation is SO big, can never be solved, is dangerous, but maybe is too scary a prospect to tackle. But the only way to tackle it, is to run, run, run like hell away from her.

I'm so, so sorry about your brother.