Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

sorry

Sorry

It's how you deal with the bumps in the road that's the important thing. Well done for pouring the rest away. That's impressive. You're doing okay.

I've poured the rest of the bottle away

And that's what matters here, the fact that you've poured the rest of it away makes you strong not weak. You were tempted but you didn't cave completely, you wobbled and then you set yourself right again, I think that's pretty fantastic actually. And please stop saying sorry, we still think you're awesome

Absolutely no need to be sorry.

what Hidingtonothing said

It's ok, don't be so hard on yourself. it's a mere wobble and you've not fallen over. Wise words from Alleygater. Guilt trips, apologies and overthinking are not required!
Tomorrow is a new day and on you'll go

Have PM'd you Wind

The bottles gone, time to move on!
Tomorrow is another day. It was a stumble but not quite a fall.
Don't beat yourself up, no use dwelling. Brush yourself down and know that you can do this!

I've been reading this thread for a couple of days, ad cheering you on.
What Hidingtonothing says is right, you did an amazing thing tipping the rest of that bottle away. There's no way you would have done that last week, you would have just thought 'fuckit..'and carried on.
But you didn't tonight, you stopped and binned the rest. That shows amazing strength and willpower.
Tomorrow is another day. Be kind to yourself

Have you thought about writing a book? I am a literary agent and would welcome reading your work!

Do not beat yourself up. You are human you have been knocked down. Use every bit of grit inside you and get the FUCK back up again. You are doing this. One small set back is nothing compared to dats of sobriety.

Hope you are ok Windfall. I spent a long time yesterday reading your thread and found it very inspiring. Please don't beat yourself up over your wobble. Good luck today.

Wind, today you need to get up, dress up and show up......today try doing your makeup, dress a bit nicer than you normally would, attend a meeting and share what happened, this wobble might have been what you need to convince you of step one!!!!!,

Remember don't drink, just for today....

Hi wind I've been tracking your progress from the beginning and am in awe of your strength, progress and grit. I'd be worried you were telling lies if you hadn't of had a slip up! Everyone does especially at the beginning. If it was so easy not to we would have become sober years ago.

Be kind to yourself today. Really kind. Buy your favourite tea or coffee. Buy a big 2lt bottle of water and slowly get through it. Eat whatever you fancy.

It's imperative you go to a meeting today. There will be no judgement from anyone there.

There is nobody to apologise to, nobody.

There were always going to be bumps and this was one of them. Dust yourself down, remind yourself that you are still doing great, and keep going. We're all here with you.

The wobbles mean you're human, not that you've failed or messed up.

Pouring it away means you're strong and will be able to do this. It's amazing you were able to stop yourself and pour it away. Be proud of yourself and kind to yourself.

Feel sheepish. Sorry. I put my jeans on, with my pajama top, no bra and a coat, drove to the pub half a mile away, paid 15 quid for a four quid bottle of chardonnay then I knocked back two plastic tumblers in 2 minutes at the kitchen sink. Fucking stupid. I tried really hard to make myself throw it up by pushing the end of my toothbrush down my throat over the loo but failed. Impossibly glamourous, I know.

I don't have an excuse, but I know why I did it. Today is the results day of the Kent test for one of my girls and I got a long text from my mum last night about it. There was plenty to chew on in it, but the dog whistle for me was that she has decided to buy her an iPhone if she passes. I don't think a 10 year old is ready for an iPhone. I don't want her to decide when something seminal such as getting a phone happens. I don't want to have to confront her about it. I don't want to deprive my daughter of something she would like because I am screwed up by my mum and I therefore don't know if all of the above is just sour grapes. I don't think she should be rewarded for passing - we have no rewards planned. I rewarded her each time she studied but plan to make no big deal of a pass or fail. I don't think a reward for passing should only be made known long after any effort to earn it is long forgotten. And most emphatically of all, the idea that my mum could contact her, at will, sent me into a flat tailspin. She's like my very own incendiary device.

Bollocks.

You're right.

The present should be unconditional. The worst thing in our education system is the focus on outcomes and rewarding this; rather than the process of learning, which includes the process of failing.

But, you're learning too.

You're learning that alcohol solves shit. You're learning how to manage emotions. You're learning what your triggers are. The bit you need to solve is how to manage your reactions to those triggers that isn't in liquid form.

You can change, you can learn. The reward will be a happier more content you.

You failed but failing and awareness of how and why you failed is part of your learning to live without alcohol process.

A kind of self assessment. Now set your next steps.

On the plus side you are now very aware that your mum is a trigger - that's a good thing.

Do not beat yourself up about this.

Do not see yourself as a failure.

In many ways last night was a 'win'.

I literally just kicked a bin across a room I'm so furious with myself. I've never 'shared' in an AA meeting - just listened. I'm going spew like a fountain gargoyle this afternoon.

What the hell am I supposed to do? If I end up embroiled in some ridiculous power struggle now, all hell is going to break loose. Or am I catastrophizing and writing a 'poor me' script? I don't want to do that.
Do I let her have the phone? I just caught myself thinking 'she might fail' as a ray of hope. That's sick. Dear heaven, my brain.

God, after what you said about your mother earlier in the thread, I hadn't realised you still had her in wrecking your life, so sorry Completely understand why that drove you straight for the anaesthetic. I'm sorry. If mine were still in my life, I'd be a total and utter wreck.

One drinking blip. So normal. You will be ok. You need to somehow tell your mother to fuck off and mind her own business not buy the iPhone for dd as a) she's too young and b) you don't want to set a precedent for outrageously expensive rewards for doing normal things like passing exams which bring their own reward anyway. God what's she going to do if dd one day gets in to Oxford or something, buy her a house?

This mother of yours is at the heart of your problems.

Stop being hard on yourself. So you slipped up. That's normal. What matters now is how you deal with it. Hopefully the AA meeting will help.

I'm with you on the phone thing. Reward effort, not achievement.
Can you explain this to your mum? Say, 'It's very kind of you to offer to buy a phone. However I think it's important to reward effort not achievement. We have already rewarded her for taking the test. We're not going to doing anything more now, no matter what the result as we don't want to send the wrong message. If you'd still like to buy her a phone perhaps you could get it for her birthday / before she starts school.'

Email / text, whatever you find easiest and then forget about it. Don't let her get to you. Ignore, ignore, ignore!

I'm not keen on primary kids have phones anyway, but most have one at secondary, so I'm planning on getting mine one just before they start - not before.

If you do not want to go NC with your mum I suggest your message your mum with something like this:

Hi Mum

I have been thinking about the iPhone. It is a very thoughtful idea but I do not want xxx having a mobile phone.

If you really want to get her something ( DH and I are not - we feel that the pass or fail is far less important than the hard work she has put in which we have already rewarded her for) perhaps you would like to get her xxxx or xxxx.

Thanks

Wind