Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

998 replies

WindfallenArch · 30/09/2016 14:36

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

OP posts:
user1475360947 · 11/10/2016 23:38

Needhelptihelpmyself I'm not going to lie to you going into your first meeting will not be easy, I had to do it, wind had to do it, and no matter what, others will have to do it in the future.

What if there are people there from school etc....look at it this way, so what if there are...why do you think they would go there??? The only reason I can see for someone to go to AA is the desire to stop drinking, and do you know something, the only requirement to go to AA meetings is a desire to stop drinking.

Re speaking, no, you don't have to speak at your first meeting, although you may get the opportunity if you wish to.

The best thing to do is turn up to your first meeting about 5/10 mins early, speak to one of the women who are there setting up, or milling about and tell them that this is your first meeting...I promise you will be looked after.

Your Wine is not a crutch, a crutch helps you walk and travel, get in with things etc, drink when you are alcoholic does the opposite, it drags you down. Strips you of everything and then comes back for more (see my thread on alcohol and break up).

You might be thinking you aren't that bad, but alcoholism is a progressive illness, it doesn't get completely better, but we learn to live as sober and content alcoholics.

You may be thinking you aren't an alcoholic, and i can't tell whether you are or not, but there must be some thought in your mind.

The other thing to think about is the alternative, just keep going the way you are, one bottle (or more) will turn to two (or more) gradually if you are lucky, and this will keep going, until everything is gone.

The only scary thing about AA is the first meeting. Take your phone with you and think of it as being a virtual Me in your pocket giving you support and pushing you through the door.

WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 00:24

+Needhelp* I hope you're not feeling so bad tonight. I could burble some platitudes now, but (and I can't type this without feeling a little bit pleased with myself) I'm tired and I need to go to bed. I'm only 10 days in - come with me .

OP posts:
BBlackberryStone · 12/10/2016 00:26

I can't offer you any advice, but know that I am supporting you and willing you on. You show so much strength as well as intelligence, wit and self-awareness and you deserve every bit of happiness in your sober future Smile Keep going, one day at a time. How about buying yourself some flowers or a satnav something lovely to celebrate your success so far?

Atenco · 12/10/2016 02:51

I'm tired and I need to go to bed

Oh Windfall, I'm so happy for you.

Mrscog · 12/10/2016 06:35

Good morning windfallen hope you got some good rest, how fabulous that you were tired last night and wanted to go to bed.

Hope today goes well for you, but remember even if it's hard and it's not as positive as yesterday, you're still doing so well and we're here rooting for you.

I agree with Hermionie up thread who said it is a privilege to see your journey unfold and to support you. I also agree with someone who said if you can afford to maybe you should buy yourself a small reward if it would make you feel good - flowers? Chocolates? a lovely bottle of bath stuff with a smell you love? nice new socks?

Pigflewpast · 12/10/2016 10:15

Did you get some sleep wind? Hope you're doing ok today.
Needhelp I hope this thread gives you the courage to walk into a meeting.

Alleygater · 12/10/2016 11:39

needhelp hi there, how are you this morning? And you Wind? Waking up sober is such a blessing when you are used to waking up in despair and pain and suffering.

It's there for you too needhelp and a meeting is a good start.

WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 15:12

I went to sleep, but due to an unbelievable stretch of of bad luck and domino effect, everyone else I my family had something that needed attention all night - it was like Picadilly Circus - WHY it had to be last night, I have no idea. On the other hand I was better equipped to cope with it than normal, so despite the fact I've had a 'Five Minutes Peace' kind of night, I don't feel too bad. Bizarre.

I got up at 7, went to a meeting and then went for a walk because there was a sign to an 'ancient monument' I'd never spotted before on my way back to the car which intrigued me. Unfortunately, it was crap.

needhelp I hope you're still around. I wanted to do your post justice so I waited until I could type (and see) properly.

Firstly, user147 is giving some good information, but where you are I think it's a bit abstract. You have no requirement to take a breathalyzer test to go in - you don't need to stop drinking if you don't choose to. But if you go, there is a good chance you start to tackle your drinking. Not because you'll be brainwashed, or because you'll feel bad if you don't. You might stop because you can see an alternative, and it genuinely look like it could be more attractive, and worth a shot.

But fundamentally it's not even about the booze. I, wise sage of AA that I am (after a my marathon WEEK of attending) don't think it's about booze at it's heart. It's actually about fellowship and learning coping skills that actually work. I sat there today, and listened to people talking honestly about how they feel, and what they want and what they do to cope even facing dreadful personal problems and they were inspiring. They're as close as people get to 'grown ups'.

My advice? Forget its called Alcoholics Anonymous at all.

Call it ALittleBitLonelyandNotCopingThatWell Anonymous.

Imagine a room that you walk into, and instead of that weird First Day of School awkwardness you get in social situations, EVERYONE looks genuinely pleased to see you, offers thier hand to shake and says 'Hi, I'm X, good to meet you!'. Imagine you have no obligation to do anything whatsoever but sit with one of the many people who have offered to take you under thier wing for an hour. Imagine at the end of the time, people are falling over themselves to hand out their mobile number, saying 'if you need anything, day or night, CALL ME' and mean it. Imagine that just by sitting with these people you, deep down, from your very own heart rather than guilt, start to see that there is a better way that you might WANT to try.

They're not, in my humble assessment, united by alcohol, but by humanity and pure honesty.

There is some God stuff, and the groups are all very different. One I've been to was God start to finish (but still useful to an intrigued athiest) in another, God was literally not mentioned other than in the structural parts of the meeting. I'm very glad the first one I went to wasn't yesterday's meeting which would have been a bit intimidating. I would therefore suggest you call the helpline - they will know where is a good place to start locally and where there are a diverse group that you'll feel at home in. I've been randomly plonking myself on any chair in a 100 mile radius this week. So, if you really don't want to meet people you know, go a bit further afield.

To any old timers that might be reading this, I hope my extreme inexperience isn't leading me to say anything untoward, and trust my enthusiasm is enough to see me forgiven where necessary.

OP posts:
Alleygater · 12/10/2016 16:50

Wind you describe the best of the fellowship of AA. I'm so glad you're getting so much out of it.
I find the same at church - a place where broken people go to be made a bit more whole. No need for 'good' or 'sorted' people to apply. But AA taught me what I suffer from - their explanation of what alcoholism is and why I am totally unable to fight it on my own was essential to me.

Wind you sound awesome. So so delighted that you are feeling so much more certain of yourself. Theres a strong, beautiful woman - we always knew it - I hope you can see her emerging.

Brankolium · 12/10/2016 16:54

Wind, you are a total inspiration.

The tone of your writing has changed dramatically since you first posted on [scrolls to top of thread to check] the 30th of September. You've taken so many of those tiny, painful, steps that you're now in a different place altogether. It's a joy to watch it unfold and to hear you talking with a glimmer of hope at last. I know you're not 'there' yet and that there may be bumps in the road ahead, but if it takes two weeks of teeth-gritting and determination to get to here, just imagine where you can be this time next year.

I'm so glad for you that the AA has been, and continues to be, a help. Did you say you'd been before but ? I guess you were just not ready to change until now.

Stevefromstevenage · 12/10/2016 18:05

Fascinating Wind. Rachel's Holiday -the book- was mentioned up thread and funnily yesterday it was exactly what I was thinking from reading your writing. Same type of wit and good descriptive writing.

WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 18:05

Hi Brank . I don't know that I've changed that much. I've just decided to work on one thing first. It's all still broken. My life is still a mess. But I feel slightly more empowered and that's good. I'd kill for a drink, but those people look happy, happier than most. I want some of that. I'm prepared to follow their suggestions for a while to see if I can be a bit more sane. And that stops me needing willpower. I'm not choosing virtuous health and to stop being so silly, I'm trying to grab at something I fancy a bit of - this FAR more me.

And I'm less bored. Unemployment is really boring, and to quote Lauren Child's Pesky Rat I HATE to be bored.

OP posts:
WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 18:42

Alley, for what it's worth, the sanest of the lot appear to be people that came to some sort of spirituality very slowly. I'm not anti the idea of God - far from it, it would be lovely to believe. But i am and always will be someone that requires proof, which counts me out.

OP posts:
sazerashez · 12/10/2016 19:55

Supporter number 3466 here! I've been following this thread and I'm so happy to see you making those first vital steps towards living the life you deserve.

I thought of you today as a parent of one of the kids I teach came in to fill in a form. She said her child had been in care for a year as she was 'sorting her life out.' Then she said 'sod it. I'll tell you.' And she told the story of how her child was taken away due to her drinking and she knew it was time to get her shit together. She went into rehab and it was hard and shit but came out the other side. She says she's so proud of herself. She says the cravings were a nightmare but now she doesn't even remember the date of her last drink. The reason why I'm telling you this was that she said she feels utter joy at belonging to the world again, that she feels all the feelings even when bad things happen. I was in awe of her actually and am really rooting for you and hope you can get a sense of how you might feel in the not to distant future.

Atenco · 12/10/2016 20:02

As I said a few days ago, Wind, my friends in AA have done a lot of work on themselves through the twelve steps programme and are much wiser than the rest of us mere mortals. I can't resist following this thread, it is so uplifting.

Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2016 21:55

I totally get that feeling mentioned in sazerashez's post, the joy at belonging to the world again and feeling everything, bad and good. I'm so looking forward to you getting to that point Wind, I spent so long feeling 'different', disconnected from normal life and the people living it and scared that I wouldn't be able to cope with life without my crutch. It's utterly liberating when you realise that you can cope, that feeling everything, even the bad stuff, is nothing to be afraid of, it made me feel alive for the first time in years. I have proper relationships with people now, I have friends and a social life, I feel part of the human race. I know that's jumping ahead a bit for you just yet but I just want you to know what's waiting for you, it's a revelation when it happens and you realise that the reality you've been trying to escape all this time isn't so bad after all, in fact it's pretty bloody amazing Flowers

WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 22:15

Sorry.

OP posts:
WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 22:16

Just messed up

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2016 22:20

No need to be sorry, can you tell us what's happened?

Alleygater · 12/10/2016 22:31

Wind it happens. So plan b - clean your teeth, pour it away, DON'T beat yourself up and get to bed!!! It's ok. Rome wasn't built in a day. Start again tomorrow. And no need to be sorry. Flowers and (((hugs)))

Hidingtonothing · 12/10/2016 22:32

The support you get here is as much (if not more) for when you stumble as when you're doing well Wind, we're not here to judge you Flowers

Badgoushk · 12/10/2016 22:36

We're here for you. There were always going to be hiccups along the way. Do you want to talk about it? X

WindfallenArch · 12/10/2016 22:37

I've poured the rest of the bottle away. Bollocks.

OP posts:
Mrscog · 12/10/2016 22:37

Don't worry wind. You can get yourself back on track I'm sure. It's bound to be a journey of ups and downs . You don't neee to be sorry.

Bluepowder · 12/10/2016 22:38

It's ok to have some hiccups along the way.