Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

[Yakari]

Like others up thread, I never wanted to make you cry but please know that you come across as such a good person I'm sure your kids still love you even if between your depression/drinking and their teenage angst that's hard to see at the moment

[Alleygater]

Hi OP
Namechanged for this as it's identifying in some ways.
Isn't it interesting that those of us who clicked on this thread thinking, I have, are largely alcoholics in recovery. That says firstly that this is what alcoholism does to your life and self esteem, and also that recovery IS possible.

I was a nightly drinker, and then I asked for help from my GP and got referred to social services. My DS was then 4, but I was in full time employment, there was food in the fridge and both nursery and pre school had no concerns about DS whatsoever. The Social Services thing messed me up completely and much of that was my fault - but 6 months later, I'd resigned, my son was in care and I was binge drinking dangerously then crawling back to AA afterwards. I hated myself and I felt that I was the worse and most awful mother in the world. I agreed with SS that someone else would be a better mother to DS and within a year of that very first call he was placed for adoption. Things got worse, I started taking risks with promiscuity and had to move out of my nice rented home, at which point the alcohol caught up with my health as well as the rest of my life and I was in an almost fatal accident leaving me in ITU and with lifelong significant disabilities.
I wished I'd died.

That was 3.5 years ago. DS was adopted which is, still, agonising.
I still have issues with my mental health.
I work part time, in my old job! I am married, which gives me great joy, and instead of AA which definitely helped at the beginning but was subsequently not the best place for me, have a faith that took me to my local church, where I've got more involved over the years. It's painful, rebirth, a bit like birth I suppose.

You can do this and you are doing it. You are enough - your children are important but you have to do this for you.
I totally get so much of what you've said, and I understand the despair, the self hatred, the self pity. I'm so proud of what you did last night. I've since discovered that not all GPs refer straight to SS so GP is a reasonable port of call. AA is a great plan for tomorrow. Your sleep will come, and lack of sleep won't kill you but drink might. You sound a pretty amazing person - talented, caring, thoughtful. You will get to see that, in time. Happy to talk more via PM. Good luck today and tonight.

[Lapinlapin]

I feel so sad reading this. You are so unbelievably hard on yourself. Your intelligence comes through in the way you write, and you write very eloquently. You are not a waste of space. Far from it.

And I'm sure your children still Iove you. They're teenagers, they are supposed to horrible to their parents.

Go to the AA meeting. Do it for your children, even if you can't bring yourself to do it for you.

[WindfallenArch]

Well hello user :-) I suspect I am the last person anyone should turn to for advice, but I congratulate you on your sobriety.

I've read your post 3 times and the thing that strikes me - if I may be so bold - is that you don't seem to be seeing your wife clearly for who she is right now, or hearing what she is saying. It sounds rather like you are asking for instructions on how to fix a faulty appliance, rather than seeing her as a separate individual that has formed an opinion on what she wants from her life, and may not waiver from. I'm a snivelling alcoholic mess, so don't feel obliged to pay attention to me, but I know I'm hard to live with and that my husband used to adore me, (once, long ago, I was in hindsight quite a catch - didn't see it at the time) He now is kind and tolerant but we exist in parralel - my drinking has eroded any closeness . He looks despairingly at me. If you can hear what your wife is saying it may well be that it went on so long it washed all the love away. I don't know if she will change her mind, but if you want her back it would have to be a completely different relationship.

[WindfallenArch]

Oh Christ Alley - that's brutal. Good God you're brave. Your story has touched me more than any other. It is the one I fear most. I'm so sorry. You have st least made me see my nightmare was never fully realised. My heart goes out to you.

[WindfallenArch]

Ah, I did wonder if user147 was in the right room...

[WindfallenArch]

The agony of knowing some of the things my children have seen is what makes me screw myself up into a dreadful twisted ball on the floor. Remembering my daughter at 9 saying 'mummy's tired time' or patiently explaining that I would 'understand better tomorrow morning' about something I was confused about. They've never seen me with a glass in my hand - it was all done in secret, but for them it was normal for mummy to 'get tired' every night. They're still not old enough to appreciate just how heinously I've failed them. Their adult reassessment of some of their memories makes me fantasist about tearing my skin and smash my skull into walls.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

But you don't know how they will think about things when they are adults. They might look back with horror but that is by no means a definite.
Over the years with my mental health struggles, I've learnt that worrying about tomorrow or next year or five years time is one of the worst things I can do.
Don't worry about when they are grown ups. Think about the here and now and the changes that you can start to make that will make things better.

[WindfallenArch]

Thank you room . It's incredibly generous of you to be so charitable in your outlook. I'm grateful.

God I hope I can do this. I've drunk daily since I was 16, the day I left home was the day I found booze. I thought I'd found some happiness. (God awful childhood) I've had precisely 18 months sobriety in 26 years. I was pregnant for all of them. Went straight back to drinking nightly the day I gave birth both times. It wasn't always catastrophic the way it is now - I used to knock back about 6 units a night. Then in 2013 there was a crisis and I went from sipping decent red and being someone that liked a drink a bit too much to a piss artist over night. It was always a bit of a worry that I drank daily. I didn't see this coming. I hope my kids remember it was mainly happy and full of cuddles. They seemed happy at the time. Happy enough for all of us.

[FlappyFish]

Hi Wind. Good use of the word hope. You hope you can do this. I promise you that you can. I don't want to post my full story on here as it's very identifying and reading it is not nice.

Plus I still have a huge fear of being judged. You would look at me now and never assimilate that picture with what I could tell you. I remember doing that to people to AA meetings. I couldn't comprehend that this clean, articulate person was telling me something that was so scary.

Tea. Lots of tea and carbs helps. Alcohol is a carb as it's full of sugar. I still crave sweet things now.

There's an AA book called living sober which you can find online as a PDF if you want to check it out. It's a practical guide, not as weighty as the big book.

Thinking of you. I remember the pain.

[user1475360947]

Hi room I had posted in the wrong room but may have been supposed to be here?

Windfallenarch, I'm in Aa it's a simple enough programme and the main advice I would give is don't pick up the first drink, if you don't do that you can't get drunk. And the thing is don't drink today, if at 12:01 tonight you are still as bad, take a drink, but keep thinking to yourself, I'm not going to drink today.....you have read my other mistaken post, it sounds like you haven't had a breakdown in your relationship, but I would say you haven't had this "yet"

Alcoholism is a progressive illness and things will only get worse.....or will end up taking everything and then coming back for more, unless we do something about it. You see, we are alcoholics, we aren't bad people, we just have a disease or illness that makes us do bad and stupid things, and no matter how intelligent we are the alcoholic part of our brain usually wins, we see a bottle that has something poisonous in it, we know that it is going to harm us our families our careers and everything, yet the alcoholic part of our brain makes us take it, and then makes us want more of it.

I would encourage you to get to an AA meeting, if you go and it's not for you no harm done, no one is going to know you went, no knee in there is going to judge you as everyone is the same, and the best thing is they have all been where you are and know what you are going through.

I'm so confident of this that I'll make a deal with you, go to a meeting, and if I'm wrong I'll PayPal you the money for a bottle of wine

[WindfallenArch]

Ha user147! That's some bargaining chip. I'm going to go to a meeting. Last time I went I was nowhere near ready to stop. I'm 5 ft and 9.5 stone and I'm drinking enough to floor a rugby player. I don't think 'don't drink today' will be enough. I'm going to have to measure it in quarter of a seconds - once the shakes and panic kick in its nothing to do with 'fancying' it the way I did years ago. I go into withdrawal - they've told me I have to taper, but dear God that's going to be so so so hard. I managed last night and I'm in full on panic mode today, but I'm not shaking too badly.

[WindfallenArch]

Flappy, you sound lovely. I'm struggling with the shame. With the splendidly warped logic I've developed, the shame of what I do comes in sickening waves that are only alleviated by the bloody stuff itself. I'm such a fucking cliche. Watching myself retching cheap white wine back into a plastic beaker and then drinking it anyway... Such elegance....

[Alleygater]

Wind - it is hard, because in recovery some things stay broken. I don't know if my DS will ever forgive me and your children will bear some scars although you have no way of knowing what they will take forwards. I'm not really that brave but somewhere in me I must have seen that I still have something to give.

They talk about "yets" in AA as someone mentioned above - and over a given period of time things will get worse rather than better - I have not become homeless or damaged my liver yet - and the same is true but with different yets. You are going to feel physically rubbish for up to a couple of weeks if you bring yourself down with no medical help but then you will slowly start to feel well again.

I still sometimes have to get through a minute at a time and that's ok - it's not like that every day. Does your husband work or is he at home today? Will he support you or are things too damaged. No need to answer if you don't want to.

[FantasticButtocks]

I've just typed a looong post about that nasty critical voice you use on yourself - and lost it! Aaagh!! Will have to fire up computer as phone keeps sticking - back later

[user1475360947]

One of the big things fir me was when I told my son I was going to try stop drinking beer(trying to explain giving up on his level) and his reaction, you would think that he had just scored the World Cup winning goal with his reaction Your kids will understand, or at least be happier when you stop - things can't get much worse can they? Re my son, how could I start drinking again and take that feeling from him???? The other thing is get plenty of numbers from other Aa members. They will help you through the worst times. If you want I can PM you my number if you need/want to chat? In the meantime this site will help you find your nearest meeting, there will be one near you today I'll bet!

[WindfallenArch]

Do you have any access to your son alley ? Can you have other children? Would SS intervene despite your progress? My husband works. He's a good man, but he has put up with too much. We were always drinking buddies - before I decided to go completely effing mental we drank in a way that's not good for you, but was within social norms. Half a bottle of wine each and a G and T before dinner. He's completely stopped now. We don't know how to relate to one another now. He's kind. He kisses me goodbye in the morning and hugs me when he gets home, but it's all going through the motions. Catechisms 'I love you' : I love you too. It's hollow. Not sue why I'm writing that. I think booze was our glue.

[WindfallenArch]

Oh user147 that would kill me. I Daren't raise it with them - I don't know what they know. I hid it but no doubt I stink to high heaven by 8pm. They still want me at bedtime. How the HELL am I going to talk about substance abuse to them in the coming years? I've not a leg to stand on. I'm so ashamed. I love them so much. How did I let myself be so despicable?

[WindfallenArch]

Rereading your post alley do you still have a desire to drink? I'm hoping fervently that if I kick this I won't but that may be naive.

[Alleygater]

I suspect you'll find a very humble and human way to talk about drink and drugs to your DC if you get into recovery. And you may well find a whole new way to relate to your DH. I've certainly seen it happen.

I can't see him, just write brief letters twice a year. I wouldn't want to move him now even if I could which I can't - he's spent 3 years becoming secure with his new parents - it would be horribly disruptive and the chances of an attachment disorder which are high anyway would rocket.

It all happened so quick - you hear stories of people being given lots of chances - not in my case. The political situation around adoption ebbs and flows a bit. Anyway - not relevant to you - it is heartening to hear that your children still want you at bedtime and your husband is kind. There is hope, there really is, if you get off the merry go round now.

[Alleygater]

Sorry, missed your question.
At times of emotional stress then occasionally, yes.
But more I feel something broader, maybe a desire to self-sabotage or harm, which us what my drinking was doing. I still struggle for self esteem. I get feelings of just wanting out of life - of disgust - it takes a long time to heal - my earlier life story us different to yours but like you, I was a teenager with issues trying to be an adult too early. None of that is fixed overnight.

But the true physical cravings go, this is pretty much proven in the literature, that cravings attenuate. It will get better each day, and each week you get away from it.

[WindfallenArch]

alley you are an angel to treat the situation with such poise. My thrashing about and wailing seems hugely histrionic in light of what you've endured. I am honestly in awe. After what you've been through and are going through I'm astonished you had the courage to choose up rather than
down. If I get myself through this it will be in no small part because you had the kindness to reach out. I hope you keep walking your path - the person you so clearly have become deserves to be admired for a significant achievement and your son will inevitably see that whomever you were then you are not now. That's a solid foundation to build an adult relationship on and a gift to his future self.

[WindfallenArch]

Oh the desire to self sabotage/harm I get fully. I'm happy you have a loving marriage. It must be a great comfort to you.

[WindfallenArch]

Hello fantasticbuttocks (are they? I assume you've googled 'callipygian'?) phones are annoying - I keep doing the same . Turning on a computer for some sad old lush can only be good for your Karma - it's good for my soul anyway. I'm grateful.