Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Wind, I don't know what number I am, but add me to your number. I've been following your thread and willing you on.

You are awesome and amazing, and I think you're brilliant and brave. And then things starting with the rest of the alphabet.

Hey your description of driving to AA made me giggle. You have a knack at comedy - particularly at doing it straight.

I'm glad you got out and that you have admitted you are an addict. Trust me the worst are people who don't and have never got the courage to do so.

Well done you. And I have also scrunched myself up into odd corners in times of great anxiety. I don't think it's all that unusual. I think it has to do with needing a hug from a motherly type and there being no one available to do it.
So very glad the AA meeting was a good fit.

Bloody excellent update WF

And you really are very funny - loved your description of navigating to the meet.

Another corner person here. If im experiencing over whelming emotions, finding somewhere to squish myself into is a definite thing. Never really thought about why though.
Well done on getting to the meeting! And glad that it was a good one.
Another rung climbed.

Another yes to the crunching up into a tight space when feeling really broken. It feels comforting and safe and as if you've squirrelled yourself away from everything that can hurt you (well, it does to me!).

How many AA meetings have you gone to now? Was this group of people just one that you clicked with better?

and for keeping at it and doing so well in spite of feeling awful. The awfulness won't last but the reward for sticking at it will get greater and greater.

Btw love the car horns and gestures offered up by kindly locals for successfully navigating their one way system . I expect they were supportive Mumsnetters who had read this thread and wanted to cheer you on.

I'm so pleased to read this, you are awesome.

Seriously well done
So glad you found somewhere that felt like home. Brilliant, isn't it, when that happens.
Love yellow's descriptions. Neurologically there will be anxiety, it's physiological, not something abnormal or ill about you and your recovery at this point. I said at the beginning: 2 weeks - that's just for the physiological withdrawal. Tick the days off prison style if you need to. It is about getting thru - white noise and cupboard living if you need to. Can you concentrate to read yet?
Really hope you get some sleep tonight.

Well done op I'm rooting for you!

Aw, I haven't been on MN for several days (family visiting) and am stunned by how much you have achieved in that short time wind. First day sober in 10 years- that is seriously impressive.

But yeah, there is going to be a tidal wave of shit to have to surf now. It's been years that you've been using booze to hold back All The Shit, psychologically speaking....now that's over. This must be the psychological equivalent of putting your rubber gloves on and tackling an entire, Life of Grime- style house, rooms packed with clutter and crap right up to the ceiling. But......it's got to be done. Because the alternative is never dealing with it. And that means never properly living.

Just got very strange look for punching the air and shouting "yes" in the middle of daughters sports session😄. How often does this Meeting happen? Get yourself there. I can't believe you coped with the horrendous traffic, it would be enough to stop most people ( me). Actually I can believe it, the only person not seeing how strong you are is you. Have you written down each thing you've achieved so far? Something to take out and read when you need to remind yourself how amazing you are. Hope you have a better night x

I've got so many questions I really want to answer and replies I want to give, but it's so unwieldy I'm going to need a computer rather than my phone. There are things nagging at me that I want to ask about/ reply to going back days, but it's hard to reconcile posts with names when there are (gulp) so many. I'll get there - I'm really not ignoring, and god knows every post has helped me no end.

I'm tentatively going to say that I'm Doing Ok. The special thing about the meeting today, for what it's worth, is that I could hear people that get it talking. It wasn't like I was ushered in and embraced (although to some extent I was) or that I talked about me and was accepted (although that happened a little bit) it was that I could see other people with shared experience, and they seemed to have an answer. And it didn't look like bullshit. I dare to hope that the sense of peace in that room is available to me. They seem to have an answer, but mainly they had the same question.

It sounds like you have found a good group.

Has anyone at home noticed anything? Or said anything? X

You have such a brilliant way of describing things and feelings, "they seem to have an answer but mainly they have the same question" that I am sure you are going to help so many other people over the years to come. You put things so that we get it. Brilliant.

That is brilliant news, Windfallen. You've now got a lot of people helping you in this struggle.

I've steadfastly refused to reread too far back for fear of breaking a spell. But I just did and I felt compelled to try and find Flappyhat (page 1, early on)

I've not been used to PMs, and right now isn't the time to start boring strangers, but so many people have PM'd me and I really didn't know. I'll reply when it's not an intrusive time of night.

I'm sober.

Doing Ok is great progress! Your description of the meeting was beautifully poetic. Well done for getting there and reporting with such grace and humour on what started as a rough day.

Wishing you sleep and peace tonight, Wind.

Somebody kind put Darren Brown on, just for me tonight.

I'm sober. Once again, Wind, may I say - Bravo!

Thanks fantastic

Yay for Derren Brown. Hope the night goes quickly.

Your posts this evening seem a million miles from the despairing posts early this morning.

Keep going, WF

Fucking marvellous news Wind. That feeling, there, that you've just described, was me at my first meeting. It's called hope. And it saved my life.

I can't tell you how good it feels to hear that another suffering alcoholic might just have heard the right message today.

The fellowship you will find in AA is beyond compare and definitely above any words or descriptions I could come up with.

Try to get to as many meetings as you can - every day ideally, as not every day will be a good day so it's important to keep surrounding yourself with that magical hope.

If you can get a copy of the AA book called Living Sober I found that incredibly helpful in my first few weeks. It basically builds on Yellow's post about the illness and nurturing yourself - plus some practical tips.

This is the most important thing you could ever do in your entire life - bloody well done