Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Wind it sounds like a hard night, well done for finding a way to get through it, and you did, you got through it, I bet you thought you wouldn't at times. YOU did that, congratulate yourself. Have you got a meeting you can go to today? Or anyone you can call? There's some very wise people on here who've said you cn call them, don't be afraid to do so, take what help you're offered. You are amazingly strong, even if you don't feel it, but everything is easier with help,from people who understand. Hope you have a good day. Loved the wifi password change, any more tips?! Xx

There is a meeting 3/4 of an hour away. Is that daft? I'm hopelessly unhappy. I should be feeling better, but the anxiety is utterly crippling and I'm struggling so badly. Sorry to winge.

I'm so sorry you had a terrible night. Please go to the meeting. I think it will help xxx

The sadness and panic come like huge, crashing waves. I just want to be in a small ball. I keep half fantasising about building myself a container to squash myself into, what the hell is that about? Other people don't go around wanting to be put in a box. I've a screw loose.

Argh just wrote a long post that's disappeared. Go to the meeting. You are not winging you're being incredibly honest. You're expecting too much of yourself to feel better so quickly, it took a long time to get down to where you were and it's going to be a long ladder to climb back up,. You've taken that first big step onto the ladder and started the climb, and you have a crowd of support helping you, but it isn't going to happen overnight. You know that, don't let false feelings that you should be better now hold you back.

Well I must have a screw loose too then because I've felt like that. I've struggled and wanted to just hide away and escape reality. And that's just dealing with stresses in life, not with an addiction that I'm beating. And that's what you're doing, you're winning, and the addiction doesn't like it and is trying to pull you down. Please please go to the meeting. If that's too hard, phone one of these amazing people on here who understand and have been where you are. It's got to be easier with support xx

Hi wind,

I couldn't not post; I think you're awesome.

Your post about the candles had me in stitches. You're good at writing. You want to change. You are changing.

I don't have experience but the bit about wanting to squash into a box - people do, people with autism, to help ease their anxiety and give them sensory proprioception. (Google Temple Grandin) I don't think you are autistic, but it's not mad! (Many love watching washing machines too.) I think it's a normal part of you emerging from your chrysalis. You're not quite out yet but pushing the walls. It could even be a type of mindfulness; feeling the walls, listening to a hum.

Do it if it helps. It's probably grounding you some how. I like to go swimming for a similar reason. The water is lovely.

I like to roll myself through the roller thing we have at work for our autistic pupils

This is all just for now. Not for ever.

Well done, a meeting 3/4 hour away is not at all stupid.

Have you tried 'grounding' yourself when feeling overwhelmed by anxiety? I find it helpful. It's something like stop. Right in your head name 5 things you can see. Ok, now 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 you can smell. Do it slowly and while you're doing that just focus on that.

There is probably a better explanation online, I am rubbish at explaining things!

I've got to go out now so please don't think you're being ignored if you post again. I hope someone else is free to talk to you. Supporter 81 is forcing myself to go running now, I can manage 4 minutes without dying but not quite the 5 I'm supposed to be able to, and repeat. I hate every second of it. But I'm going to do it. No idea why I'm telling you this!
It's 11,23, soon be 12 o'clock and that's half this day done. Then it'll soon be 1pm. Go watch the washing machine if it helps. And hey at least it's getting the washing done. Xx

You are winning, every second that passses is another point to you.

Maybe your g.p could help with the feelings of anxiety.

How about going swimming today or for a walk?

I colour spot to ground myself.

So all the red things, then blue.

My favourite is to spot my favourite colour; rose madder.

Watch the washing machine. Listen to hums.

From a neurological POV; the alcohol probably numbed various senses. They may be over sensitive now, and in withdrawal including your emotional senses. So seeking a dark box and a hum could be your body's way of readjusting.

Do you have a child's tent? Could you make one under a table? You can get small black out tents online. But if under the stairs is good do it. Make it your sanctuary.

There's an approach in schools to do with nurturing. The child the strategy is being used for has a tent in the classroom they can retreat to at any time. They decide who may come in. It's like retreating to the womb. There lots of other nurturing stuff too.

Nurture yourself when you can.

Another trick I've learnt is to have cold showers. Build up gradually to what you can cope with. Might only be 30 seconds after a warm one first day.

Someone else I know compared it to emotions; you can turn the shower off when you can't bear it any more. Do this to learn how to turn off your emotions like a cold shower.

However, cold water therapy has actually has been proven to have antidepressant effects if done daily. (So try not bear the cold as long as possible!)

You're being too hard on yourself.

I don't believe for one minute you're not a grafter. People don't do (several) degrees without putting some work in.

And of course you deserve to enjoy the sunshine. There's nothing wrong with having a day sitting around.

Have you told your dh yet? Maybe you could use some real life support at the moment too.

And yes, go to any meeting you can. Doesn't matter how far away it is. In fact I'd have thought anything which serves as a distraction, which kills time a bit for you is a good thing at the moment.

And, apart from the other good advice, do get some Vitamin B complex. It is essential for the nervous system. Alcohol drains it from your system while falsely replacing its function. Get the highest doses medically permitted.

Hi wind. I'm ok thanks, this summer I hit a really bad place and just knew I couldn't see her anymore. It feels better to take some control and counselling is really helping to validate and name how I feel.

I keep half fantasising about building myself a container to squash myself into, what the hell is that about

Is it about keeping yourself safe? No-one has ever made you feel safe and you're in a really bad place and need to give yourself some security. It's not strange or nutty it's called resilience, your psyche is finding ways to get you through this.

I think you're amazing, and I think you can do this, one step at a time. You have people here who care and you have your daughters and husband who care, even if you can't believe it at the moment.

Wanting to be in a box is about wanting to be held. I say get back in your spandrel cupboard. (At last, a chance to use this term outside of estate agents details.)

Your candle story reminds me of the swimsuit I saw that had a label saying: do not immerse in water.

Sorry for having a tantrum then sodding off without replying, I decided to hot foot it to the meeting.

Careering cross country to somewhere you've never been before to an almost impossible deadline is an excellent way of clearing the mind it turns out. Then I had all the local drivers being so supportive, they were really helpful in guiding me through the exciting one way system using just their car horns and hand gestures, which was a lovely touch.

And then I went to the meeting. It was amazing.

If anyone is reading this that is struggling with booze, no matter how much you have convinced yourself that AA isn't for you, PLEASE go to a few meetings. And I mean a few. Not just one. This Richard Dawkins following , God Delusion owning old cynic is daring to believe she might be finding a family. And, in the end, that'll be all I need.

I'm paying by the minute for the multi storey car park I'm in, so I'll reply properly in a minute, but yellow, your post literally made me stand up, pick up my keys and walk out the house. I'm not mad, I'm ill. That's not so bad.

Ok, this is just today OP, tackle one thing at a time and bit by bit your life will improve. Firstly well done for admitting to being an alcoholic, it takes courage, even on a forum to admit that. Join a support group which will help in 2 ways, you will meet others like yourself and you will tackle the drinking. When you cut down on the alcohol consumption your weight will naturally drop off too but then change to a healthy diet, concentrate on things you have the power to change. Alcohol causes depression too, so when you give it up a cloud may start to lift.

Dont be hard on yourself, you have taken the first step in making your life better.
x

Wind you just gave me goosebumps! I'm in awe xxx

Bloody hell Wind you're just a bit awesome aren't you?!!! Very few people would've found the strength to trek to that meeting after the night you had, you are seriously impressive. I'm so glad it was good though and that you're starting to feel you belong, that realisation that you're not alone will make all the difference I'm sure. You've done it again, made me feel there is some good and some light and hope in the world, thank you

Wow! Just amazing! So in awe of you.

See: awesome!

You've just reduced new friend number 44 to tears. You're bloody amazing, don't ever forget that