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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

998 replies

WindfallenArch · 30/09/2016 14:36

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

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WindfallenArch · 09/10/2016 21:42

Hello mnpeasantry. I might date to hope I could one day not be a berk, but I'm definitely not strong.

My life has been single mindedly driven by the unerring mantra of 'nah, fuck it, that sounds like it might take effort, I think I'd rather be prostrate, half cut on a sofa'. I don't think I've done anything strong at all, ever.

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meringue33 · 09/10/2016 21:48

Yes.
I am now ten years clean and sober.
Get thyssen to AA. That is all :-)

meringue33 · 09/10/2016 21:51

Sorry shoulda read the whole thread before posting!! You're doing fantastic. Take it one day at a time and keep coming back :-) X

Atenco · 09/10/2016 21:59

Totally apart from their sobriety, one of the things that has most impressed me about my friends who go to AA is that they are people who capable of changing, no matter what the age. I've known ladies in their seventies make changes in their behaviour when they realised it was wrong.

The twelve steps programme is brilliant

PacificDogwod · 09/10/2016 22:03

Thinking of you Thanks

Not read the thread back, and now too tired, but still egging you on x.

WindfallenArch · 09/10/2016 22:14

I feel like I'm in some god awful waiting room, but I'm not going anywhere.

I've got that pointless, temporary feeling , when you need to be somewhere important in about an hour and twenty minutes but you've already got your suit on.

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Bluepowder · 09/10/2016 22:18

It's hard. At least you are not looking through well-thumbed copies of 'hello' magazine whilst trying not to panic.

mnpeasantry · 09/10/2016 22:28

I hear you wind but you have blown me away (pun intended) in the short time from starting this thread to tapering out 20 units a day! That is insanely strong.

But changing the wifi code. That's inspired! I'm going to try it on my DH.

It's always scary to face the unknown and leave the familiar. It must be terrifying to factor in the addiction and also hard to know what should fill that void.

I'm thinking of you OP. I feel you can do this.

Badgoushk · 09/10/2016 22:30

Wind, you are doing fantastically! You really inspired me today. My story seems a bit pathetic compared to yours but basically I like sugar far too much. I gave it up in January but had some cake on a couple of occasions (important birthdays). This weekend was my daughter's party and I made cake. Indulged a little too much! For me it feels like a physical addiction and today took all my strength and lots of thinking about how you have got through the last 24 hours doing something much more difficult. I resisted the sugar and feel sure I can go back to normal again tomorrow. Thank you so much for helping me.

Friend number 6! Xxx

Badgoushk · 09/10/2016 22:34

Forgive me if I'm off the mark but presumably your evenings before were just spent 'relaxing'? You need something else to fill your time. What about reading an unputdownable book? I found 'I am Pilgrim' by Terry Hayes fell into that category. They had a couple of copies at my library. Perhaps your library has it too? X

DrLockhart · 09/10/2016 22:41

The feeling of waiting reminded me of this poem which I love. It's a good one to read at any stage of your life, a good reminder of the journey.

"The Station"

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision.
We are traveling by train, out the windows,
we drink in the passing scenes of children
waving at a crossing,
cattle grazing on a distant hillside,
row upon row of corn and wheat,
flatlands and valleys,
mountains and rolling hillsides
and city skylines.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.
On a certain day, we will pull into the station.
Bands will be playing and flags waving.
Once we get there, our dreams will come true
and the pieces of our lives
will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Restlessly we pace the aisles,
damning the minutes - waiting,
waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!"
We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!"
"When I put the last kid through college."
"When I have paid off the mortgage!"
"When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement,
I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later, we realize there is no station,
no one place to arrive.
The true joy of life is the trip.
The station is only a dream.
It constantly outdistances us.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto.
It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad.
It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.
Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.
Regret is reality, after the facts.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles.

Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream,

go barefoot more often,
swim more rivers, watch more sunsets,Sunsetlaugh more, cry less.
Life must be lived as we go along.

The STATION will come soon enough.

FusionChefGeoff · 09/10/2016 23:10

Well, another alcoholic in recovery joining the thread - who knew there were so many of us out there - just waiting for the chance to pass on our incredible stories and help a fellow sufferer in distress?!

I've identified loads with everything you are saying and am very impressed with what you have managed to do on your own.

The post that struck me most was the one where you discussed how alone you felt and how there was no-one you could call. That is precisely the moment where you pick up the phone to another recovering alcoholic. Either someone from this thread or I would also strongly recommend trying to get some numbers of women at the AA meetings who seem to know what they are talking about. Or you can always call the AA helpline and they will put you in touch with someone local who will be delighted to talk to you or even meet up with you if you would prefer that.

I will also pm my number - assuming I can work out how to!

Keep going, 24 hrs at a time. You don't need to fix everything or in fact anything about your life yet. Don't worry about the big stuff, you just keep making sure you don't have a drink and the rest will take care of itself when the time is right.

WindfallenArch · 10/10/2016 00:06

This isn't fun. It's all I can do to be alive.!

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Lapinlapin · 10/10/2016 00:10

I'm sure it's not fun.
You're doing well though. Much better than your unlightable candles Grin

BathshebaOak · 10/10/2016 00:10

It's not fun, but the future could be. Keep going x

Hidingtonothing · 10/10/2016 01:24

I'm hoping you're asleep now Wind but I will be around for a good while yet if you're not. Post if you're struggling xx

Atenco · 10/10/2016 04:42

This isn't fun. It's all I can do to be alive

Imagine you have the flu. It will take a while before you feel better, you've just got to ride it and be kind to yourself.

Cisoff · 10/10/2016 06:40

Wind, does your family know you've not been drinking? I know its still very early, but could you get some sort of support from your kids/husband?

Otherwise getting yourself some sort of 'sponsor', I think AA calls it, sounds like a grand idea.

Badgoushk · 10/10/2016 08:22

This made me think of you Wind

Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?
dudleymcdudley · 10/10/2016 09:11

I read your whole thread last night when I couldn't sleep.

You have touched me, my mother doesn't love me, worse she hates me, and I recognise myself in you.

Lucky for me I'm not an alcoholic but I recognise the feelings of being alone and ashamed of myself and unable to see anything good in myself. How can a person who grew up without the necessary food of maternal love become an adult who loves themselves?

I've been talking to a psychotherapist and realised how it was a normal reaction for me as a young child to turn inward and become emotionally totally self-reliant in order to salvage whatever relationship I could that enabled me to survive.

This makes it really hard to form emotional connections with other people - we simply never learnt how to. We never learnt that other people can be trusted and we never learnt that other people could love us

There's been good advice upthread about trying to be compassionate to yourself, you deserve love just like we all do.

You sound like an amazing person and an amazing mother, I wish you strength to get through this dark time.

Alleygater · 10/10/2016 09:24

Morning Wind
Am thinking of you this morning.
Atenco is right. I'd go a bit further and say this is recovery from a life threatening illness, more Ebola than flu. It's horrible. You are losing your crutch but still have to keep walking, no, climbing, without it. At altitude.
Love Badgoush's Winnie-the-Pooh picture. Absolutely that's it today.

You know now why prisoners sometimes go back to prison asking to be let back in - because it's all they know and freedom us just that bit too scary.
And you might run back and don't be afraid to confide that if it happens.
Meeting today? What else - I dare say you've made lunchboxes, found lost-but-vital items exactly where somebody says they didn't leave them and wrestled a quart into a pint pot for good measure.

I'm around on and off this morning if you need someone here.

WindfallenArch · 10/10/2016 09:42

This is going to sound derranged, but I spent most of the night in my 'utility room' last night. My 'utility room' is the space under the stairs. I felt like I was going completely out of my mind, in a way I've never felt. Hamster wheel in my head. I went to do some washing to find something to do, and found that if I shut the door I could jam myself into a really small space, listening to the washing machine, and somehow that was mildly comforting. I feel like I'm actually going mad.

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WindfallenArch · 10/10/2016 09:46

I like your poem Dr Lockhart. I wish I had the courage to look out of the window.

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WindfallenArch · 10/10/2016 10:07

Hello dudley - I'm so sorry to hear you're in a bad place. It's painful isn't it? I, quite literally, don't have a single memory of her being anything but angry, distant or, weirdest of all, sort of brittally smiley in public. She's this weird shape shifting thing - my dad was her slave. I don't use the term lightly - she had a stick upstairs to bang on the floor to summon him, and if he didn't arrive fast enough, she hit him with it. He completely literally waited on her hand and foot. She was terrifying. I'm rambling on about me, sorry - do you still see her?

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WindfallenArch · 10/10/2016 10:48

Feel totally hopeless today. It's just going to be one long miserable slog, and I've never been a grafter. I don't know where to put myself. I usually spend all day applying for jobs but I don't think that's wise today, but I don't feel I deserve to even open the curtains because it's sunny, and that sounds like sitting about in the sunshine.

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