Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

For sure I can talk about it, she was a wonderful woman my mum. It's just really sad that she met a controlling bully of a man at probably her most vulnerable point who'd like to keep her down and she just wasn't strong enough to see it. We had a great relationship when she wasn't drinking and we were extremely close. She tried several times to quit and done a few stints in recovery places. She ended up being sectioned a few times too and it was scary going to visit as the hallucinations were quite bad. She wanted to get better but the lure was too strong.
You're doing brilliantly, I'm so pleased for you.

You've managed to make me smile twice already today Wind, thank you Knowing that you went to bed, got up and ate breakfast and also that you're doing another meeting today have made me feel there is hope in what feels like a pretty dark world to me at the moment. I won't dwell on my own troubles here but suffice to say my DGM is in her final days and your progress is allowing a little light to filter in during the times I'm away from the hospital. You're inspiring Wind, I hope you realise that. Hope your meeting goes well, we're all (all 76 of us!) right behind you

I love MumsNet.
What a wonderful, supportive, kind group of people

Supporter number 49 checking in to see how today is going

Start with one thing. I am in a bit of a shit situation. Have decided to start with feeling better about my appearance. Am slimming and exercising by swimming and some classes. I have said v little about what I am doing to family and am just quietly going about it. Have lost 9 pounds in three weeks. feel a kind a secret achievement and am mentally sticking up two fingers to partner and others who I know would try and sabotage my attempts. Think it is about valuing self. I have decided to prioritise myself - I spend time on myself, even in minor way eg. going for a swim, having long baths, preparing meal for self etc etc. It feels v empowering even though it is small steps and there is still so much wrong with my life. I figure you have to start with something. I do think it is possible to change things but you need to start small and build up.

Nothing inspiring to say, just I'm, if my maths is right, supporter 81 here for you and willing you on. You have made me smile both with your humour despite your hell of withdrawing, and with your massive massive progress. Well done and keep going

Bloody hell, a cup of tea and a bowl of Cheerios ugh after climbing those stairs (which might as well have been a Brecon Beacon or something) and staying in bed for the whole night? I think that's something to bloody pleased and proud about.
What's your evening looking like?

Hello. I feel like I'm about to piss on everyone's bonfire - I'm not drinking, but I don't feel very Pom Pomish. I feel bereft. I'm going to have to do this, and make this decision over and over again. Nothing's changed much - it's all still broken, and the voice in my head, that's always been there is still talking. 'You're miserable, and you KNOW how to fix it, so be a love and just stop messing about, dear'

I wish I wasn't letting you all down, but it's all still sad, but now I've lost the remote and can't switch it off.

Almost every fibre of my being is telling me that it's madness to feel this desperate when there is a perfectly good and affordable solution in the Happy Shopper 3 miles away. And don't o need milk anyway ? Or bread? Or 13 amp fuses? Or swarfega? Probly best pop out, eh?

Fortunately we can't feed the hedgehogs bread and milk any more, so I'm still here, watching my kids make candles from a kit that ends its inovative Chinese translation instructions with a dire, strongly worded warning that the candles MUST UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER BE LIT.

I don't think it's futile though.

And even in your despair you still manage to find your dry wit....

You are pissing on no-one's bonfire, this is your party and you can bloody well cry if you want to: it's ok.

You have just gone a full 24 hours without alcohol for the 1st time in 10 years and that is quite an achievement.

Can you get a nice hot bath with music, or a massive wedge of cake? Or anything else you fancy?

Oh Wind, I can read your pain in every line. You're mourning the old familiar way that tries to tempt you back with it's lies and empty promises.

You're not letting anyone down. That voice, the voice of doom and doubt, has been making itself heard longer and louder than all the positive ones that have a right to be there. It's like standing up to a bully, terrifying to begin with but easier the more you do it.

Happy Shopper. What a misnomer.

Supporter number 44 isn't as good with words as you, but I'll try, it's the least you deserve for the amazing efforts you're making right now

Where are the candles to be displayed? Or will they be gifted with dire warnings

Wind .... I haven't posted on this forum for a long time .... I was on the brave babes thread for a long time

You .... yes that's YOU ... have touched me in such a deeply honest way that I feel compelled to post.

It's fucking shit

It's probably going to get shitter

But you can do this

Your body is detoxing and of course your cravings are going to be massive

But you can get through it if you really want to .... and one thing I have no doubt about is that you do really really want to.

One minute at a time

Have sugar ... in any form .. it will help

Go to bed and just focus on getting through the night

Then tomorrow you will be 48 hours free of alcohol

It's going to take at least a few days until you start to feel any benefit

Treat it like the illness it is.

You can do this .... you really can sweetheart... it's not going to be easy

But you already know that

Big hugs .....Silver xxxx

It's OK, we'll do the pom poms. You do whatever works for you.

Also, did I just hear that you were doing an activity with the kids? In the evening? Because that sounded like another huge achievement to me - no drinking, no separate rooms.

You're not pissing on anyone's bonfire, no one here is expecting this to be easy for you or for there to be a 'quick fix'. I'm not surprised you don't feel like breaking out the pom poms, this is going to be a slog to begin with and, unfortunately, the pay off doesn't come til later for you.

And that's why it's so hard, in a few weeks you will be feeling the benefits, improved mood and health, very probably an improvement in how you feel about your relationships, some hope for and belief in a better future starting to glimmer but, for now, it's just slog with no immediate reward and of course that's hard.

All you can do is keep your eye on the prize and limp along from one hour to the next, one minute to the next if need be. Acknowledge that each minute, each hour, each day is an achievement and bringing you closer to the things you want to be better in your life and that you have to keep inching forward if you want to get there.

A lot of people relapse along the way and that's not me giving you an excuse to do just that, it's just the truth. But you can't escape the fact that it would in effect put you back to square one and you would have to start all over again. Knowing how hard you've found this first stage I would think that's a pretty big incentive not to do it because it basically means you have to go through it all over again but only you know if that's enough to stop you.

No one here wants you to relapse but I hope you know it wouldn't make any difference to the support you're getting here. We will be here whatever happens, no judgement just lots of people holding your hand and wanting the best for you. I hope you can stay strong, you're not alone Wind xx

Another supporter here. You're not letting anyone down, you're going through one of hardest things to do, but every second that ticks by is a second towards it being easier.

Kudos to you doing craft activities on a Sunday night - my 4 year old has watched the same Thomas film 3 times.

We're with you.

And keep posting ... there are so many people on here that are rooting for you .... it doesn't matter what you post, just keep doing it ... there'll always be someone on line to answer.

You are amazing and you have come such a long way in such a short time

You can do this

And your life will be immeasurably better .... but you already know that don't you

Pom poms are for those on the sidelines (in skimpy skirts and the fugliest white heeled cowboy boots ever).

Those doing the hard yards on the field should have padding and crash helmets and are awesome (if mental)

(Too much American football. Arggghhhh)

Oh and to go back a few pages. I was inspired to post when you didn't get provoked into an argument about a cardigan. Respect :fistbump:

I'm doing pom-poms. You're still sober, the longest you've been in 10 years, you've been to 2 AA meetings ( how was today's?) and even though you feel like total shit you can still make candles with your kids instead of plonking them infront of TV like mine are, AND you can make us smile with your humour. Think there's more than 81 supporters right behind you here now, keep going, you're amazing and YOU CAN DO THIS XXXXX

Please, please don't feel you are letting anyone down.

Nobody is expecting you to go 24 hours without alcohol and suddenly be singing from the rooftops about how wonderful life is - if it was that easy you'd have done it years ago!

People are feeling proud and cheering you on because it feels so bloody awful, yet you are soldiering on anyway. And if you stumble then you aren't allowed to use that as an excuse to turn back round, because everyone will pick you up, dust you off and nudge you on your way again.

Right now, you are closer to being happy and well than you have been in ten years. You can't see it yet because it's still around the corner, but you've done the first hard hurdles already.

This is the first I've read of your post but I've got to say I am impressed and so pleased for you for how far you've come since your original post. You should be proud of yourself as we are proud of you.
It's not going to be easy but it's got to be better than staying on that downward spiral.
Great credit to you for the candle activity. Your children will appreciate the time you are spending with them but don't expect them to voice it !!
You can do this xxx

We're still here. Accepting feeling utterly pants is probably part of the process. (Totally unable to swear even on an anonymous forum). You don't have to be happy. You just have to shuffle forwards an inch at a time. You will eventually construct things for yourself that provide you with genuine sustenance.

Also it's only two hours or so until teeth cleaning time. I still have ironing to do.....

However you choose to judge me, I'm reasonably keen it's not on buying an unlightable candle making kit. It was an intriguing twist at the end of the instruction book rather than an exercise in abstract performance art. In my defence I was simply feeling aggressively Blue Peter presenterish, and commanded total compliance by changing the WIFI password and looking sympathetic but baffled. You can't live a life of debauched mendacity and then not use the skills you've picked up upon the way when the going gets tough.

Rooting for you wind from supporter 46. You are so brave and this is such a huge step.

You are strong OP. So strong.

Windfallen, would keeping a diary/journal help? Use it to get the shit thoughts out of your head if needs be, but also write and document the small wins, including brushing your teeth and doing crafts with the kids. Every time you feel like you're going nowhere and making no progress, go back and look how far you've come. Even since the start of this post, you have come so far, not just in going sober but recognising the need to and taking the first step in that journey. Please keep posting here too though. We are all supporting you from the wings.

Also, you have an amazing talent with words, I'm sure you can pick up freelancing work or something similar somewhere down the line.

You are not pointless. You are the mother to two children. You are talented and witty and seem genuinely lovely. You've made stupid choices in the past, who hasn't? But the past is past and gone, your future is full of potential.