Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

I'll try and answer properly to all you lovely people that have been so kind but I'm in quite a bad way (heaving up green bile, which is nice) . It's all a bit Old Testament punishment this morning.

That sounds very unpleasant. Have you got any 'full fat' coke on hand? I always find the fizz and the citric acid in it helps.

I wonder if I cold get this moved? I put it in 30 days only because I was so ashamed. I still am, but it might be handy to know just how absolutely horrific this is in 6 months time when some part of me thinks I can have 'half a shandy' . Note to self It's Vile.

Hey there, you're doing really well, and I am not an evening person either so you probably got more out in the daytime.
What plans today then? Are you too poorly for much? Dry, plain stuff would be my advice, and sports drinks - the not fizzy ones. You'll absorb some of it and faster that way.
Give it a few days and you'll be eating and sleeping like never before.
My sober sleep is dream filled, it's just my normal. Not surprising that you are subconsciously fearful at all.

Hi Alley - it's lovely to hear from you. I'm trying to hear myself up to swallowing something with sugar in it. The very idea is enough to make me heave. I know that it's the only thing that will help, but it's the last thing I want.

I'd out myself completely, but I absolutely have to do something this afternoon that's both important and responsible, so the quicker I can swallow something the better.

I'm going to a meeting after that.

Considering ignoring the advice and going cold turkey tonight - I've been at this phase so many times and I can't risk getting this far and fucking up for the umpteenth time. It will sting like a bastard to taper tonight.

Good morning, hang on in there. Maybe tiny sips of coke? Or some dextrose tablets to suck?

No informed advice about whether or not to go cold turkey or taper for another night. You can get the thread moved by clicking 'report' by one of your posts and asking for it to be put in another topic.

That's ok, no need to say exactly. I've got a mammoth cooking project on - won't say more to someone feeling so sick.
Are you still seeing things? If not I too would probably stop - 4-6 units or whatever would just be torture. But again, that's not my medical advice
I'm really impressed you're off to another meeting. Have you told your DH about them? Or not feeling it's the right timing yet?
This must be so hard - it's taking my back to those miserable days - but you are doing great. One foot in front of the other is all that anyone can do.

Hey Alley and Married - held my nose and downed 2 strong mugs of Ribena - starting to feel better. Someone said upthread that sugar might be a major factor - I don't have a sweet tooth for food At All but dear god it stops the shakes, which isn't really a good sign.

You are in my thoughts - you are doing so well.

If I manage this it will be the first night since December 2006 when I've not used.

WHEN not if

You've got this far before with no support so you're more capable than you realise. And now you have us motley crew and as many meetings as you can stand PLUS Ribena so surely it has to be a little better. Keep on keeping on

I'm cheering you on

goes to find Pom Poms

This may be a bit much for now but if you need a 20 minute distraction, it's well worth the watch
Ted talk

You are doing so incredibly well! We are all cheering for you!!! Xxx

Windfallen, I am so impressed.

Not sure if you noticed but you said in 6 months time you'll be able to look back and this would put you off half a shandy.... that right there is a positive change in your thinking. Well-bloody-done!

Keep going, you can do this

Also majorly impressed.
You can do tonight. I remember it well.I remember feeling that getting clean (it's got to be the same as getting dry?) Felt like being chased by a bully who knew ALL my weak points, all my mass negativity would kick in. The negative voice in my head would tell me I was to weak, too stupid, to much of a loser to pull through. Ins moment of inspired desperation I started to imagine the voice was a man, a pointless, carping old man, always ready to criticise me, to put me down, he had grey hair and overalls and seemed to be called Mr Tom.Every time I noticed how negative I was being, and tough on myself, I was and to tell Mr tom to fuck right off. It really helped. He shuffled off, and I got on with the job of learning to like myself.

Xx

So lonely and sad. I drink because I'm alone. It was bad enough drunk. Now what the hell am I supposed to do. I'm always alone. God this is shit.

One step at a time, go easy on yourself. It's shit today but it's progress to something better. Anything worth having is worth waiting for I reckon.

Alcohol was never your friend, it just masqueraded as one. What do you WANT to do? You had a life before it took over and parenting consumed you. The world is yours

I didn't have a life. I've never had a life. I left home at 16 to be with the first person that liked me and he's off in his man cave and my children are playing some daft computer game in the den and as usual I'm alone. There's noone in the world I could call - no aunts, uncles cousins. No family and no friends and I am just sitting here doing the hardest thing I've ever dive in floods of tears and there's not a single human being that wouldn't wonder why the hell I was calling them.

I don't have a marriage, I have a co-parent.

Wind, what was your masters in? What job did/do you do? If you feel you can answer without outing yourself xxx

Would you be interested in having a relationship with your husband again? Do you like him as a person?

((Hugs and tissues))

So it's time to find YOU. Under all this is an amazing woman fighting for her freedom. And I'm so proud of you. Did you look at that link I put up earlier?

if I explain exactly how I managed to get through 3 years degree in English, an Msc in Computer Science, half a PhD in artificial intelligence without speaking to anyone, ever, would make me just look more mental on this than I already look. Feeling hugely obligated to shag my PhD Proffesor and then dropping permanently out of my doctorate 2 days later wasn't a pretty part of it.

If I talk about the insane set of bad choices, most of them morally reprehensible, I made later in life some people I 'know' would start to recognise me. I've crashed from disaster to disaster. Its a horrid horrid mess. I'm not always the victim by the way - I'm aware I have been and I'm also aware I'm filtering out the perp bit. I'm, as I say, a catostrophic failure. The booze is one tiny part of the crap.