Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Don't look backwards, look forward. You've been drinking because you are an addict and now the addiction is trying to trick you into staying with it by making you think you have no alternative.

But you have, you will start to make friends and build a new life for yourself. You have no idea how many things have been closed off to you by the alcohol. It will take a while to get it out of your system, so you have be patient and stubborn, but alcohol has acted as a depressant on your system for so long that it is difficult to realise how beautiful life can be at the moment.

Hang on in there. You're taking such positives steps and of course that's hard as hell. The loneliness and shit WILL get sorted in time but first sort this alcohol stuff. Keep going. You're doing so well x

OP, my heart goes out to you. I've read through this thread thinking how much I can relate to your situation and how I was on the verge of posting a very similar thread when I read this - I too am unemployed and found out yesterday that I'd been turned down for yet another role after giving it my all at interview. I'm in a horrendous amount of debt through being unable to find work and not being able to claim any benefits because my husband works full time, even though he has debts himself and therefore cannot afford to support us both, not that I would want him to.

I thought my marriage was incredibly strong but recently I've found out that he's been lying to me about a string of ridiculous things and this combined with my unemployment has put out plans to start out family on hold, which is deeply worrying as I'm 37 and don't have time to hang about. I have no siblings, but a mum and dad who are my absolute rock, although I constantly feel as though I disappoint them through being a failure, despite my great start in life and they're old now with health problems so I don't want to burden them.

Like you, I battle with my weight and drinking - I daresay I'd be a lot slimmer if I didn't drink a bottle of wine a night. I've tried to stop before and while I'm fortunate that I haven't had any symptoms such as shaking, it's been bloody impossible to sleep as my brain constantly runs on a hamster's wheel until 4am. I do eat healthily and I've found that does make a massive difference to my moods, but sometimes I feel so horrendous I can't stomach anything yet still my weight goes up - my metabolism is well and truly f*cked.

I can completely relate to what you say about every day tasks feeling like a ginormous effort - sometimes just getting showered and washing up feel like insurmountable tasks, let alone leaving the house. I feel so stuck in a run and desperate to turn my life around before it's too late.

I have some amazing friends, but no one I feel I can turn to in real life about how I'm feeling because my husband and I are part of a very tight knit social group where his friends are my friends and vice versa and because my issues are tied up partly to do with issues in my relationship, I feel like I would be betraying his trust my talking about them.

This week in particular has been horrendous for myriad reasons and I'm really feeling at my lowest ebb, unable, like you, to find joy in anything, nor the motivation to get out of this rut.

You've done really well so far taking steps not to drink- I completely understand what you say about feeling that it's your only escape to dampen those excruciating feelings, while recognising that your addiction is ultimately making things worse in the long term. I don't think I would ever be brave enough to go to an AA meeting, so that is a massive step for you.

I keep trying to remind myself of my strengths - I'm kind, conscientious, loyal and have intelligence, creativity and talents -- maybe it would help trying to think about what you have to offer, even if you feel it's deeply buried right now.

I don't post often on here, I'm more of a lurker, but I really felt I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you're not alone

What is the point of me? I'm just here, on my own, shaking and crying. This is the longest I've been sober in nearly ten years and what is the point? Nobody even knows I'm sad. I suspect, strongly, that my husband has decided to live with his children rather than stay with me. It's a good, kind, responsible decision. We are like polite colleagues. He has built himself a little room full of his hobbies and he goes there as soon as the children go to play their games. We eat together, chat, laugh, play board games. We go on holiday and have lovely times. But we don't connect.

What's the point? I suspect you are capable of doing far more, being far more than you currently are. You have the potential to be happy and have a wonderful life. The point is that you are on step one of the journey towards that.

I've been lurking, but just wanted to offer some support. I wish it was more than words on a screen. But the point is, you've doing an amazing thing. Something you thought you couldn't do. And you're doing it.

If you went to join the kids or your husband, what would happen? They'd be surprised, I'm sure, but would they actually ask you to leave the room? You said your daughter was incredibly mature and patient with you about the Harry Potter tickets - would she be up for having a cup of hot chocolate and a chat and maybe a cuddle with you?

What's the point? You are clever and funny and your family love you. And in time you might learn to start liking, maybe even loving yourself again. At the moment you are doing this for your family. In time you'll see reasons why you're doing it for yourself too.

You have huge potential for a great life.

You are an inspiration. This must be the worst part. In time it will get better.

You can do this. You ARE doing this.

P.S English degree - thought so!

Hi
You sound like you genuinely want to turn your life around, so you can. You don't need to rake over past mistakes and be hard on yourself about them. None of us is perfect. You're not Donald Trump.

Stopping drinking is a brilliant first step.Give yourself time to focus on this, and get as much support as you can. If you need help to get to sleep, can you try a herbal sleeping pill like valerian or take some melatonin?

After a few days off the booze, your head will feel clearer, your energy levels will rise. After a few weeks, the weight will drop off and your mood will brighten. Your skin will look better, you'll smell a lot fresher and have a better chance of getting a job.

And please don't think the state you're in is anything to do with why your tweens sigh and ignore you. They just do that. That's what tweens do. That's normal. You could be a saintly perfect mum and they'd do that. It's a time in our lives when the balance shifts. As they grow naturally inclined to separate from us, then we suddenly realise we have a chance to start thinking about what we'd like to do with our own lives.

Would you think it daft to create a bucket list? I love them. You just write down a list of about 100 things you've always wanted to do. Some can be big, expensive stuff like travelling or studying, but some can be tiny or easy, such as volunteering with Crisis at Christmas, or making a new recipe. Just things that get you excited about life's possibilities.

Sometimes making tiny, easy and pleasant changes in life (like trying a new cafe or going for a 20 minute walk every evening) can be the start of bigger changes. Bit by bit you nudge your way into the life you want to lead. It doesn't have to be drastic and difficult and need staggering amounts of willpower when you are at a low ebb already. Just being kinder to yourself and doing lots of tiny things is a great start.

Catra - I just wrote you a really long post, but my phone really didn't want to play. I'll redo it :-)

You can turn things around! And you need to do it for YOU.

I've made a series of awful decisions, starting in my teens and carrying on until around 2 years ago. I hated and blamed myself for everything that was wrong in my life.

I drank to sleep and I didn't sleep unless I drank. My GP said if I didn't reign it in then he would call social services.

I'd had a breakdown. I was very ill. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress. My life was falling apart.

Here's what helped: 1) Giving up the booze. Yeah it makes you sleep but it gives you crap sleep and damages your body.

2. getting a decent therapist. I had to unpick my entire life. We discovered that much of the way I behaved was related to my early childhood.

3. I forced myself to be consistent. And believe me some days I thought it would kill me. Small goals. Getting up, showered and dressed in clean, nice clothes each day. Some days it would take 10 hours to do all three but I did it. And I felt proud because I had achieved something.

Things are good now, I have a job I love, my husband and daughter (who I nearly lost) and I finally feel that being me is okay. I still have bad days- that's hard but now I can see a bad day for what it is- a one off and not a downward spiral.

You can do this OP, you are stronger then you've ever imagined.

If your DH knew what you were trying to do, do you think he'd be supportive? It sounds like you could do with someone on your side and perhaps if you talked to him, he might be proud of you (for recognising that this cannot go on, and deciding to take action) as so many people on here are. Hope that suggestion isn't overstepping.

Wow! You have a really interesting background and I suspected as much! As someone else has already commented, the English degree comes as no surprise.

I think it can be easy in a university environment to not make friends and not make connections with people. When I started uni many moons ago, I had a boyfriend back home and could easily have kept myself to myself. Fortunately we broke up and I forced myself to make friends.

Have you ever done the Myers Briggs personality test? I'm an introvert and perhaps you are too. I have found Myers Briggs useful as, not only do I know myself better, but I can recognise the personality types of others and it makes it easier to relate to people.

You are not a failure. You say you have made mistakes. We've all made mistakes. I think you're too hard on yourself.

I'm no psychiatrist, but do you think your mother and her behaviour towards you, even in childhood, affected your self esteem so profoundly that you found it difficult to make friends?

You are lovable!!!!

I know that Mumsnet might not seem like real life but it is really. We are real people talking to you through a website. We think you are strong, impressive and interesting!! If I knew you face to face I would want to be friends.

You are doing brilliantly.

P.S. As I'm sure you know, the thing with your Professor wasn't your fault. He massively abused his position.

Catra You're 37 darling - I wrote a lot about regret in a rambling post. Don't let someone who is dishonest with you dictate your choices about having a family.

Wind, do you have a dog? I'm just thinking that maybe, when you get over the initial withdrawal phase, maybe getting a small rescue dog is something to consider. It could bring the family together, offer you a perfect reason to get out every day for walks, a bit of much needed unconditional love! We have a small terrier and he has brought so much joy to all our lives.

Although it may be an issue if you're looking to work full time.

What's the point? That is the effects of alcohol and now withdrawing from it talking.

You are intelligent, kind, witty.

One breath at a time, as hard as that seems right now, and you will come through to the other side.

I have cleaned my teeth. I have therefore possibly won. My first sober night in very nearly 10 years.

I BLAME YOU :-)

Wooo hooo!!! Amazing!!! Congratulations!!! Xxx

Very very very well done, you are an inspiration, anything is possible now, you are going to fly, keep going, just keep going girl......

Wooooohooooo!

Brilliant- knew you could do it!

Congratulations, onwards and upwards, one step at a time

No possibly about it! You HAVE won.

Go you

waves the Pom poms

Wow! So impressed and happy for you too. I love the clean teeth being the marker for the end of the day. Must go and do mine now...

Bloody hell Wind, I leave you alone for a day or two and you go and get sober! Seriously though I'm so sorry I haven't been keeping up, won't depress you with the reason for my absence but coming back to find you've achieved so much was just the lift I needed, really really well done. I know you still have a road to travel but finding the right road is a massive step in the right direction and I couldn't be happier you've done it. I'll check in again tomorrow, I'm utterly exhausted so doubt I'll make sense if I try to write more tonight but please know how happy I am that you're doing so well, it's seriously impressive and confirms what we've all been thinking, you are officially awesome