Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

Well done. I've only been lurking as I don't have anything helpful to say but that deserves congratulations.

I think definitely a success. Top marks for bravery and courage even if it was an odd experience. I'm glad they were welcoming at any rate. What were the books?

For what it's worth, anyone worried about my immediate health (and I mean immediate) I'm FINE, I'm utterly convinced I'm a million miles away from DTs. As usual when I get bad shakes it's food that I need. I know I can't let myself get that hungry but when I'm nauseous I can't eat. I actually feel perfectly normal now, just in case anyone is worried. Because I'm a piss head I'm prone to shaking in the morning anyway (now) if I get too cold or hungry I look far worse than I should. I've proven it time and time again (unfortunately) a sugary drink solves it in 10 minutes. Just cutting down made me too nauseous to drink anything so it was a bit of a silly viscous cycle this morning - it wasn't trainspotting. I say this as reading responses and then reading it back it sounded more dramatic than it was. It's no worse than the onset of flu, and I'm absolutely certain nowhere near a fit. For a start, I'm doing as I've been told by a doctor. rather than quitting cold turkey. There's no need to worry, I was simply moaning.

Well done on going to the meeting! How did it feel?

You did it! Another little step. Choosing a different group is ok I think, or do you think you've done it partly to enable the evening drinking? But a success whichever way you look at it so well done. How far did you drive though? One benefit of a nearby group is that you will be close to any friends that you make. Will you go back?

Also, what are Friday nights and weekends like for you? Easier/harder/the same? Someone upthread asked about whether you've talked to you husband about trying to cut down this time... have you?

So many questions there, feel free to not answer them!

The meeting was very positive, with the exception of a woman who is on her 5th week, who still hates every second and a 23 year old boy who is in so much emotional pain I could bearly stand to watch. He's frightened of absolutely everything.

I will appear to have to change my surname to 'AndImAnAlvoholic', and then use the whole of my new name to prefix absolutely everything I say, even if I did it a minute ago. I'm concerned if this habit becomes as ingrained as it would appear to be in the lovely people I met today, I will no longer be able to buy stamps or book an MOT.

There was a lot of sitting around in a gaping silence waiting for someone to jump in and fill it which is a bit like a school reunion.

The people that it's worked for looked the way I'd like to look. I can handle the weird shit. It's no weirder than telling your 9 year old you'll book those Harry Potter world tickets for her while she's at school and her patiently explaining that Mummys already booked and paid for them last night. Particularly when she turns out to be right.

Well done for going. You should feel proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!

Good for you. Well done for going.
Perhaps maybe, you could try going to the one tonight as well?
The AA recommend going to lots of meetings in the early days.

Oh, good for you for being so positive about it. That's the route to change, it really is.

I laughed out at the thought of you buying stamps with your full 'AndImAnAlcoholic' name! "Hi I'm Wind and I'm and alcoholic. Er... and a book of 2nd class please".

Well done, you!

I have been told that accepting some kind of 'higher power' (which does not need to be God) being in control of you alcoholism, or accepting that you are NOT in control is what the AA require.
Not all group are very overtly religious - if the community and support help, try another group and keep on trying.
Well done to taking the initiative - massive achievement.

I have sorted out a fucked up life and it's the thing I'm most proud of. I spent the first 30 years of my life desperately unhappy, feeling like everyone else was 'normal' and loved and happy. But not me. I was suicidally depressed and really beginning to think 'what is the point of continuing' .

But then a miracle happened. Quite by chance, I got diagnosed with a mental illness that I'd been unknowingly suffering from for years (was referred to a psychotherapist for help dealing with a physical health problem and ended up being treated for a mental health problem). She was brilliant and got me out of the mental trap I was in. Basically, I'd blamed myself for my parents divorcing when I was a baby and resulting neglectful environment. Really, truly blamed myself and ended up in a place of intense self hatred. With therapy this early false 'conclusion' was undone on a deep level and I could realise I wasn't bad, just unlucky. From there things just got better and better and as I learned to love and accept myself my life improved in spades.

Now I have the kind of life I always thought was for 'other people' , I'm married with kids and have lots of friends. But this all happened as a result of the inner changes, I'm convinced.

So OP I am living proof that it can all change. I couldn't do it on my own though - I needed professional help. And to be ready to change. Which it sounds like you are.

Good luck.

Your children love you. The only reason they stay away from/are embarrassed by/are cheeky to you etc etc is because they can. It is the same in every house in the country. They know you will love them no matter what. And you will. Do something small to make yourself feel better. Have a shower, put on something nice, do some laundry, cook some dinner - normal small steps that will prove you can manage

So proud of you, Wind!

God is used in AA a fair bit. It's the concept of a power greater than you. I found it hard to deal with at first. When you make it to other meetings you will sometimes hear people describe it as a group of drunks as the acronym for God. It's realising you're not alone.

You do write well Wind - definitely a wry smile here about the HP tickets. I hope tonight goes ok for you. Talk as much as you need here or maybe time to talk to DH about things a bit? Thinking of you

I'm so glad you went, WF!!!

Please be proud of yourself - it was no easy step to take and you did it.

Maybe you could check out a different AA group today or tomorrow, because I understand that every group has slightly different dynamics.

How are you Wind?

Conscious that now is your drinking time so just wanted to pop in with a hand hold. Keep tapering, keep positive, you're doing amazingly

Hiya, just checking back in.

Hope today hasn't rattled you too much. Am immensely proud of you for managing to get to the meeting earlier but no one will judge you if tonight it all feels too scary. Tomorrow is a new day and we will still be here for as long as you want us to be

Just poking my head round the corner. Brushed your teeth yet?

Well done for going to the meeting - doesn't matter which one. You went and that's the important thing.

It doesn't matter either if it's all a bit odd! It works for lots of people and if you can keep going I'm sure it will work for you too.

And you should really be a writer. You are so funny and have such a great turn of phrase.

I hope you are proud of yourself for going. Magic never happens in the comfort zone.

X

I would have done the day time one too. I love my safe and cosy early evening lock-down, when I know I've done what I need to do going-out-wise. I have meetings/talks for something which is probably very nice, (part of an arts group I joined mainly so I could exhibit in certain galleries), but they take place in the evenings and involve driving about 20 mins to meet strangers and talk about or hear about art and interesting things etc - I haven't been to one. If they were in the day I might have. It's nothing to be ashamed of though. Well, I'm not. I probably have missed out on some good stuff, and I'd probably be pleased with myself if I actually went to one. But going out alone in the evenings is not something I actually want to do. So what? It's just my preference. And that's ok.

What you did was cleverly find a way that you could go. Bravo!

I don't know if that counts as a success or failure. Well I bloody do. Success. Tick. Come on - give yourself a break! Of course it's a success. You. Did. Something. Very. Difficult. Because really at your core you do want to survive this shitstorm, and so there is a smidgeon of you thinking you are actually worth it. You love your dcs more than anything. And you know you are worth everything to them.

Apart from the dreadful feelings from the alcoholicness of it all, do you feel something bordering on good about the fact that actually, you are taking steps to sort out the 'completely utterly fucked up life'.

You took a big step today.

You took another when you started this thread.

You can do this. And you have started.

Wishing you a more peaceful sleep x

Good morning, WF.

I'm up and around if you're wanting to swap pithy anecdotes/ Eastenders plot lines etc etc

Hello Barty and Fantastic

Well, I did it. Final night of tapering tonight. It all starts for real tomorrow. Which is, shall we say, A Worry.
Sick. As. A. Dog right now and trembling like a leaf.

The newly reinstated 'dreams' involve an enormous quantity of explosions, fire and screaming. I've spent the night in Die Hard 4, only the plot was less structured and insightful, and at one point it included a brief trip to W H Smiths.