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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hit my husband, i hate myself

141 replies

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 20:02

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

OP posts:

NooNooMummy · 27/09/2016 20:20

Hi I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I don't have any magic answer. I was just struck by the similarities to my situation. I'm now in the process of divorcing from my husband. We tried and tried and tried. He was the one who attacked neon rage once. We tried for another year. Now it's over, I wish I'd ended it sooner. I know that doesn't help... I also wish that I'd faced up to everything sooner and talked to others and sought advice for just me - could your GP refer you to some talking therapy so that you can get some perspective? Best wishes. There are people her to hold your hand even if they're just strangers in the Internet

NooNooMummy · 27/09/2016 20:21

Me in range not neon rage...

Original poster

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 20:48

Its just making the move and leaving him, the thought really scares me. In a way i do still love him. And i have the kids to consider. I just don't know what to do my heads so messed up

OP posts:

Original poster

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 20:50

Thanks for replying

OP posts:

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 27/09/2016 20:52

Hi OP, didn't just want to read and run.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Just writing your post is a good step towards making changes, ie you are acknowledging what happened.
I had violent impulses and anger issues towards DH when my second child was about 6 months. 100% speak to your GP about depression and violent thoughts.
Should you be together or not? I couldn't say, but something in your family situation must change.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/09/2016 20:53

Well it can be irritating to live with a partner who is passive and doesn't get anything done, but why didn't you call the mechanic yourself?

No one is going to take your children away from you.

What is going on currently with your treatment for anxiety and depression?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 27/09/2016 20:54

P.S: How old are your kids? Do they go to school/nursery at all? Perhaps you could get chatting to some other parents there, it can be a real boost just going for a coffee/play date with another adult. Or do you live in the middle of nowhere?

Gymnopedies · 27/09/2016 20:55

I don't think they will take your kids.
It sounds like you don't have any support. Do you go to baby/toddler groups? Could you visit your family for a bit to get a breather?
It is probably very intense with the baby. Does your husband help with housework? Does he watch the kids when he is home so you can have a bit of free time?

Handsoffmysweets · 27/09/2016 21:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 21:33

My kids are 6 and 1, its a very small country village we live in, i hate it here im so unhappy. Im from a city around half an hours drive away. Its not so bad when i have the car i can drive down to my mums. Id like to move back to my home place permanently but the only thing stopping me is my son, he loves it round here and if we were to move it would mean taking him out of school and putting him in a new school away from all his friends. I went through that as a kid and it really affects u. Another reason i haven't went to the doctors is i just think they r gonna give me antidepressants to take and i don't want to go on them, i was on them before and it took me ages to come off them. I don't wanna go down that road again. I find it so hard to make new friends, i think i have social phobia or something! I always think people don't like me. People around here have lived here all their lives and i just feel like im seen as an outsider i don't think ill ever be accepted

OP posts:

Original poster

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 21:53

When me and my husband sit down and talk about this he always makes out everything that is going wrong in our relationship is my fault. Im first to admit i can lose my temper sometimes and maybe i dont always handle situations in the best way but he's just as bad. He plays mind games with me with his sulking and he has a very clever way of making me feel like im a bad person which i know deep down im not. Maybe we're just incompatible i really don't know

OP posts:

NooNooMummy · 28/09/2016 00:15

Go back to your GP. It really sounds like you need some support/ someone to talk to. You're doing amazingly for your kids. Hugs

NumbNelly · 28/09/2016 02:05

If this was a man posting this or if the situation was reversed there would be outrage.
Your husband should be calling the police. Assault is never okay regardless of how big the other person is.
It's not a great example for your kids to have a physically abusive mother either. You need to remove yourself from the situation, get help and be grateful you haven't been arrested

Lweji · 28/09/2016 02:23

I'm afraid Nelly is right.
We are getting your side of the story.
You seem to be in a difficult situation, and he may well be abusive in some ways, but you really hit him because he wouldn't phone the mechanic? Which is something you could easily do, as you're the one who uses the car.
Would you hit someone else who annoyed you?
Something is very wrong there and you do need help.
And yes, I'm being harsh, but you need to be harsh on you regarding this.
Also in relation to the relationship. It looks like you have both lost respect for each other and I doubt you can get over it.
As for the children, yes, I'm sure you're a good mother, but what if they don't do as they are told?
And what if you hit him again in front of the children?

Do ask for help and be honest.

e1y1 · 28/09/2016 02:45

With nelly too I'm afraid. If this was the other way round, there would be outrage.

Sorry you're going through this, but you should not have hit him.

Would remove yourself from the situation and take it from there.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 02:49

I agree with nelly too - the minute a man even hints at hitting a woman, the woman is quite rightly advised to leave. Unfortunately because you are a woman, posters will sympathise and minimise what you have done.

As PP have suggested, remove yourself from the situation and get help - it is never acceptable to hit someone.

pallasathena · 28/09/2016 03:07

Another one who is going to be harsh here.
Resorting to violence because you didn't get your own way is disgusting, despicable and downright abusive. You try and justify yourself by saying you're without the car, in the middle of nowhere - yet half an hour from your mum's. You sound full of self pity and its hard to feel any sympathy for someone who lashes out violently as you have done.
You need to reflect on this.
My advice would be to grow up.

Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 03:32

I think this is very common and something that's never spoken about because of the above posts^^

I don't know what the answer is and it's something people don't really seem to be able to get good quality help on- could you go to couples counselling?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 03:42

I didn't think couples counselling was advised when there had been any violence?

MoominKitten · 28/09/2016 04:15

I think you need to accept two things:

You are abusive
Your relationship is over

You also need to see the link between 1 & 2 if you are ever to move on properly and have a decent relationship with someone else.

You also need to think about what kind of dynamics and behaviors are acceptable in a relationship, and which ones signal that you are on a road leading to somewhere bad.

TheNaze73 · 28/09/2016 07:28

I think you need help. I can't understand why you couldn't call the mechanic yourself? Do you think he'll call the police?

Lweji · 28/09/2016 07:33

You can get help and you can sort yourself, but the starting point is to take full responsibility for your actions.

He didn't cause it. You are responsible for how you behave.
If he is that bad, then leave him. Remove yourself from the situation.
Unfortunately, your self despising and excusing yourself sounds exactly like the common male abuser scrip.

Bambamrubblesmum · 28/09/2016 07:41

You're doing amazingly for your kids. Hugs

How is the OP doing amazingly when she has assaulted her husband would a man be doing amazingly if he assaulted his wife?

Op please listen to the sensible advice on this thread. What you have done is wrong and you need to get help. No one has the right to assault anyone else because of domestic issues. Go and see you GP and get help.

If he won't leave then maybe you will have to if it's got to the stage of physical violence, simply to safe guard everyone.

HermioneJeanGranger · 28/09/2016 07:41

I think this is very common and something that's never spoken about because of the above posts^^

I really hope hitting your partner in frustration isn't "very common"

Lucylocket2592 · 28/09/2016 07:43

OP you may not want to hear it but you need to leave- like yesterday! In my experience some people heckle each other more than others and yes you should never of hit him but that doesn't mean you are abusive in general like you will go on to hit any partner you have. I know it seems hard and I have no doubt that it is but it will only be hard in the short term- you are responsible for your own happiness and if things are as bad as you say then it's already past any point of salvation. It doesn't really matter what your DP thinks because it doesn't sound like his opinion will change how you are feeling. If after you leave you still need support then go to your GP and ask for help

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