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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit my husband, i hate myself

141 replies

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 20:02

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

OP posts:
themoomah · 28/09/2016 14:16

I'm almost afraid to say this for fear of being shot down - but could it be that the OPs DH has been provoking her to behave this way? If she's telling the truth about some of his behaviours and the way he talks to her could it not be that he is actually behaving like a completely controlling, passive aggressive abuser who has managed to make himself the victim in all this? It wouldn't be the first time an abusive partner (of either sex) has managed to convince their victim (and the rest of the world) that they are the injured party.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:16

Wow. Provoking her? Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:18

So if a woman is PA, it's fine for her DP to hit her?

Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 14:33

Life is not black and white. There are shades of grey and it takes a certain ignorance to be unable to appreciate that.

I know Of many families where there has been bahviour during arguments that MN could consider abusive, police calling, LTB. Chairs thrown, faces slapped, etc. Many families. Its easy for me to assume it's also happening behind closed doors to people you know. Normal relationships have extreme issues and whilst I of course don't expect you to advise anything but LEave I'm suggesting to the OP not to listen. Life isn't straight forward and this is too big for a forum of uninvested people

Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 14:34

Behaviour not bahviour!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:36

Yeah you're right - hitting someone is the sign of a healthy relationship. I wish someone had told me that when I was two and witnessing violence. Hmm

Normal relationships do not include hitting your partner. If you believe that then it may be your view of relationships that's out of kilter

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:36

And I can't believe you would accuse those who think it's not healthy of being ignorant

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:40

Would you tell a woman to stay with a violent partner?

Lweji · 28/09/2016 14:41

I'd probably say it happens in too many relationships, but not normal at all.

Yes, it's possible he is abusive. Which is another reason the OP should leave. Two wrongs don't make one right.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:45

I am slightly surprised that potentially PA behaviour is abusive but hitting someone isn't Confused

PrincessOG16 · 28/09/2016 14:49

YOU leave and give him custody of your children.

You're abusive.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 28/09/2016 14:55

No, don't give him custody of your children. Take yourself to a space where you can focus on addressing your problems and moving forward with your life.

Don't allow him to get under your skin again. It's the wrong thing for everyone involved. If he's not interested in working at this and you can't see a way forward for yourself while you're with him, you have to look at your options.

It sounds very bleak for you just now and I'm sorry.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/09/2016 14:56

There are shades of grey and it takes a certain ignorance to be unable to appreciate that.

It takes a certain ignorance to be so condescending

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 14:59

Yeah don't allow him to get under your skin because he only has himself to blame if you lamp him yet again Hmm

So would posters tell a male abuser that?

gandalf456 · 28/09/2016 15:00

I'm putting my neck on the line here and saying that while it's wrong for anyone to be violent, there's a different dynamic with women against men violence than men against women. The stats show that far more women are victims of da, far m ore women are killed by their partner, far more women are in a financially vulnerable situation. It's wrong but NOT the same. Older Children can be violent to their parents too but I would not put that in the same category either.

PrincessOG16 · 28/09/2016 15:00

A woman coming on here saying all this, that 'my husband hit me' you'd all be up in arms telling her to leave or kick him out.

But because it's a woman saying she hit her partner it's ok, she deserves sympathy?

What the fuck is that bullshit.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 15:03

So because fewer men are victims then the OP's husband should just suck it up? Wow - the 1950s called, they want their decade back

themoomah · 28/09/2016 15:04

No Livia I'm not saying that at all. I have however been in an abusive relationship and it took me years and years to understand that I had been the victim of emotional abuse because I had been so very cleverly "taught" to believe that I was a useless, worthless person. I didn't become violent but only because I instead became so depressed as to be virtually catatonic.

The reason I made my suggestion was that these phrases from the OP (who is very clearly severely depressed and therefore not thinking/behaving in a rational manner) stood out to me:

I've asked him to leave but he won't go

I can't take his moodiness anymore he's so sensitive

If I say anything I'm a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids

he says he can't stand me

I always think people don't like me

when me and my husband sit down to talk about this he always makes out everything that is going wrong in our relationship is my fault

he plays mind games with me with his sulking and he has a very clever way of making me feel like I'm a bad person which I know deep down I'm not

I'm going to tell him I think we'd be better apart but I know he won't take me serious

my husband is in no way scared of me. If you could hear how he talks to me you'd know that

Those things all sound like red flags to me. Something is very wrong in this relationship. I do not and never would condone violence of any sort. All I'm saying, to those of you rushing to beat the OP into an emotional pulp with all your projecting is that sometimes things are not what they seem.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 15:10

Violence makes everything else irrelevant. I am projecting but the bullshit double standards on threads like this make me want to vomit. If a man hits a woman, regardless of provocation, it's wrong. But because it's a woman it's okay? Still I'm sure the OP's children won't be affected by it...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 15:11

In fact perhaps my mum should have been nicer to my bio father and he wouldn't have broken her jaw eventually.

phillipp · 28/09/2016 15:17

themoomah or since the OP admits she is an abuser, she could be following classic abuser tactics

'Oh I know I was wrong when I hit you but I just can't help myself when you....'

Basically shifting the blame from her, to the victim.

His behaviour has nothing to do with it and there is a huge possibility that anything said about him is bullshit. Because that's what abusers do.

I am not projecting at all. No one should have to put up with being abused. There are no excuses that are acceptable.

user181839715 · 28/09/2016 15:19

Livia - I have to disagree. I've been abused in every way except physically and no one can tell me it isn't as bad. You're projecting your own experiences here.

You are completely right about double standards and I'm fully aware that if the situation was reversed this thread would have gone differently but emotional abuse it's just as damaging as physical abuse.

phillipp · 28/09/2016 15:21

And I am sure the Op only loses it and hits him because she she knows he won't hit her back.

That's really fucking manipulative and quite cowardly.

I am always amazed how many abusers don't hit people when they aren't sure if they will get it back or not.

Would it be ok for the dh to hit the OP back when she hits him? Would her violent behaviour 'push him to it'?

CalmItKermitt · 28/09/2016 15:23

Man hits woman - outrage.
Woman hits man - hugs.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

themoomah · 28/09/2016 15:24

phillip she could indeed. But what would her motivation be? All I'm saying is that it would be unwise to rush to judgment, that there is another potential situation going on here and that if the OP is actually the victim here then some of the intemperate responses here could well have the effect of making the OP into even more of a victim. None of us knows the reality of what's going on here but the OP sounds like she is in a very fragile emotional state and she doesn't need a whipping from a bunch of strangers.