I hit my husband, i hate myself

[Gems16]

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

Everything every1 has said is right, i know i need help i freely admit that. U cant make me feel any worse than i already do. But 1 thing i will say i am a good mother my kids come first before anything else, even my own happiness and i would NEVER abuse my kids as was suggested by someone. Thank u all for your replys anyway u have all given me a lot to think about. I know my husband and i need to be apart. Its just hard the thought of putting it in to action

Presumably, you'd have said before you'd never hit your husband either.

Nobody here can confidently say they'd never do anything.

You must get help in dealing with those frustrations, or you'll risk eventually doing the same with your children.

Go and book an appointment with your gp and be very honest.
Then have the talk with your OH.

And the reason i didn't just phone the mechanic my self is because no1 i don't have his number and no2 i don't have a clue about cars or parts or anything like that. That's 1 of my husbands jobs to sort out. I don't think its unreasonable for me to ask him to do that considering i do everything else. Im not making excuses I've said many times i know i should never lift my hand to him, i hate myself for being like this but deep down i know im not a bad person. Like i said in my op i do have a lot of issues some i haven't even gone into here.

But you're kids being an environment where domestic violence is happening is a form of abuse. The fact that you are the abuser makes you complicit in that. You cannot claim you are a good mother when you're belting their dad.

It's not unreasonable for you to ask him to do that. It is unreasonable to hit him because he didn't.

It doesn't sound like you are taking responsibility.

The problem with these threads is that

The op could be right, her husband could be useless. That's not excuse for violence

And/or

The Op is displaying abuser traits. Listing their partners failings to set the partner up as partially to blame. Often when abusers do this, the failings listed are usually total bollocks or exaggerated.

It's impossible to help the OP because she could be genuinely sorry. Or she could just be reciting the abusers play book. Dropping bits and bobs about how his behaviour pushed to her it.

I am sorry, I don't believe someone who abuses their partner can be a great parent.

You see this time and time again in thread. A woman being financially, emotionally or physically abused and says 'but he is a great dad'. The response is 'he can not be a great dad if he is abusing their mother'.

And what happens when the kids become older and can't be arsed doing as they are asked. Forget to do something?

Presumably the OP never thought she would hit her husband. She can't say she definitely won't hit her kids.

Being a good mother means a) not assaulting their father, b) getting help for your depression even if you 'dont want to go down that road again', c) not staying in a shit relationship that's making all of you unhappy because you're scared to change the status quo.

I'm not saying you never were, or never will be again a good mother but at present you're not. Moving schools etc is hard, yes, but it's very unlikely to be worse than staying in a place where parents are unhappy, frustrated, constantly fighting and belting each other. s

Somehow, you (and your husband) need to fix this so your kids' lives get better, not preserve the status quo at all costs. Don't kid yourself youre hiding this from them.

Op, I moved my child's school at 6, they adapt incredibly quickly at that age, much easier than later on.

Your mum's only half hour away? Look into getting a place back near her, the kids can still see their Dad.

You can't stay if you're violent to your husband.

Phillip.. U r right to a certain extent and i sort of wish now i hadn't asked for advice on here because strangers on the internet don't really know the full story. I came on here just to be able to be totally honest with someone and to be able to get it out what im feeling inside. When I've said i hate myself for being like this i mean it im not looking for sympathy or to cover up what I've done what would be the point in telling anyone in the first place! My husband and i are together 10 years and this is the third time this has happened, its not as if i give him a slap everytime he says a wrong word to me. Again, before i get bashed I know three times is three times too many. I came on here to ask for advice on who i could ask for help because i don't want to be this person i want to be a better person for myself and mostly for my kids

I have been with dh 16 years, married 14.

Neither of us has ever laid finger on the other.

You say you know 3 times is 3 too many, but still seem to minimising it by saying it doesn't happen a lot.

You know who to ask for help. Call your GP. A quick Google search would tell you that.

no1 i don't have his number and
-you could get it
no2 i don't have a clue about cars or parts or anything like that.

• it's like your oh saying he doesn't know how to wash up. You just need to ask how long it will be and how much it is.

I understand you realise you shouldn't have hit him, but you've given loads of excuses for doing it. It doesn't sound great on this side. It sounds like the ones who have hit us (me at least).
Your issues are to be dealt with.
Have you called the gp yet?

Well good for u, u obviously don't have the issues that i have. Yes i know a google search would prob tell me to go to my gp but like i said on my op im afraid to tell a gp incase my kids get taken away and despite what anyone says my kids r my world they r my reason for living, breathing.i would NEVER NEVER let my kids come to any harm

OP, urging you to take full responsibility for your actions is the best support you can get.

A pat on the back and saying it's fine will just keep the cycle. You don't need that. And your family deserves better too.

OP, I'm sure it's hard facing up to your actions. But if your husband reported you or your children witnessed it and talked about it outside, yes, you could lose them.
Asking the gp for help and taking full responsibility is the first and best step.

What would you expect if it had been your OH hitting you?

OP the issue you have is that you're physically abusive to your husband - something that you're minimising. So no. Sorry I don't sympathise with the "problem" you have.
I'm sure you do love your kids but not getting help for your anger and lack of self control is not good for them. But judging by your posts were you're justifying assaulting their dad and your woe is me attitude you won't seek help.

The full story isn't actually relevant. If a man hit a woman he would be seen as trying to justify himself.

Own your actions. You did it, you should get help. But you seem determined to minimise what you did. Just because you didn't hurt him, that doesn't make it okay.

You risk harming your children by staying - I saw my bio father being violent to my mother when I was tiny in many occasions and it fucked me up.

Yes i understand that, just because im a woman it doesn't make it OK. I have a lot of anger in me and i let it build up and build up then it just explodes and my husband bears the brunt of it cos there is no one else. I know he would never go to the police, this whole situation is bothering me more than him. When i talk to him about it i say i think he should go stay in his mums but he's having none of it, he won't leave me, he says he loves me and doesn't want to break up. I just phoned him at work i told him i want to have a good talk about this when he comes home. Im gonna tell him i think we'd be better apart but i know he won't take me serious

Also I think the onus should be on you to move out. Why should he have to disrupt his life more just because you can't control your temper? The fact that he is so accepting of what you did is worrying, he is clearly used to your temper.

Again, you are making this about your needs.

He may be upset if you split but you need to take yourself away from this situation for his and the children's sake.

OP, I don't know whether my approach to my (STBX)husband's temper loss was right but based on my experience....

My problem with your posts is that it's all I shouldn't hit him but here is what's wrong with his behaviour/our life etc. I don't see that as taking responsibility.

My husband would only discuss his temper loss in terms of what I do wrong. And I refused to engage in that. I wanted him to acknowledge that his loss of control was never justified and needed to be dealt with before we tried to fix our relationship. Otherwise I felt that it hung over me like a threat if I slipped up.

You insist you would never abuse your children. I am sorry to be blunt but if you have already hit out in anger I think there is a risk you could with them too. After all, it's appallingly wrong to do it to your husband.

My husband said he would never mistreat our children because they would never annoy him like I do. That worried me so much. It was a terrible answer. What about when they are teenagers for example, when they really work out how to push their parents?

I can see how it is scary to get help. I have never been 100% honest about our home life to anyone because of the fear of child protection issues. But you need to get help. I cannot see anything in what you have said here that puts you at risk of losing your children. So I think you are safe to go speak to your GP honestly and get the help you need.

And it may be you need to leave and make changes so that you are happier.

I'm sorry you are so miserable. really. But hating yourself is easy, taking responsibility is the tough bit.

And again how many times do we see posts from women who are abused and who don't want to leave?

Could you have PND or has this been going on longer than the baby?

You need to take responsibility to leave the situation if he won't. Pack up and move back to your home city nearer your friends and family. Your son will cope moving school.
If all of your anger and frustration is being aimed at your DH then you need to be apart. You should also go to see your GP.

If i had somewhere to go i would leave staying at my parents is not an option, his mum lives in a big house on her own. I've been trying for ages to get a house in my home area but prices r a lot more expensive than where i am now so there's no way i could afford it on my own

GP - treatment for depression ; anger management. those things you can do. if youre serious about wanting to change.

Im going to make an appointment with my gp. I do think this is partly to do with hormones as the last time i was like this was after my son was born 6 years ago. Im not trying to put any blame on my husband for my behaviour.but my husband is in no way "scared" of me. If u could hear how he talks to me you'd know that. But despite that he's a good person he would never hit me back, i know he wouldn't. Its our personality's r so different sometimes i don't know how we've lasted this long. He's so laid back i can get very passionate about things.

It's perfectly normal to be more stressed during the baby stage. Are you a SAHM or just on maternity leave. Sounds like you are bored and frustrated. I would hate to be stuck in a small town. It would feel quite suffocating to me.