I hit my husband, i hate myself

[Gems16]

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

Couldn't OP be closer to the second category, from what she's said?

I think if you start excusing behaviour you are on a slippery slope

Remember we only have OPs viewpoint here. She isn't taking responsibility for her behaviour and is minimising what she has done. She doesn believe a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman.

I think she is taking some level of responsibility for it, she has said she hates herself for it and knows it is not normal, needs help and is going to the doctor.

The things she has said she has done is slapped him across the face after he said something awful to her, and thrown her phone at him. I get the "slippery slope" argument and i can see how it is dangerous. But in my gut I just don't feel sure she should be labeled an abuser and have her kids taken off her.

For one thing, throwing things and slapping is completely normalised in, off the top of my head, EastEnders and tons of TV shows/films.

Also men are generally stronger than women. A man insisting he wanted to compete in a women's race or women's boxing would be judged more harshly than a woman who wanted to compete in a men's race or men's boxing. The power dynamic isn't the same in MOST cases, though obviously that's not to say all men are stronger than all women.

But in my gut I just don't feel sure she should be labeled an abuser and have her kids taken off her.

who said she should have her kids removed?

She is an abuser because she abuses her husband. On three occasion.

I think her husband needs to leave her. But I think since she is the abuser, she should be the one to leave. At least until she gets some help. This is the third time it's happened and she hasn't got any help yet.

Eastenders isn't normal life. No one live like they do on Eastenders, it's a fictional TV programme.

The point is saying 'I hate myself for doing this but it's only been three times/ it's not as bad when women do it/ his behaviours drives me to it/it's my hormones' is typical abuser behaviour and it's not taking responsibility.

It doesn't matter how much damaged someone does when they abuse a partner. The point is that she is asserting power over him, because she knows she can hit him and he won't hit her back. Wether she damages him or not isn't the point.

Hitting someone you know can't fight back is bullying behaviour.

Do you think a man physically a using his wife isn't that bad unless he bruises or hurts her? If he shoves her, or gives a slap but not hard enough to leave a mark, is that ok?

You should leave while you get anger management help at the very least. Why on earth should he lose his children because you are violent!

gandalf456

it is the same, as soon as you start saying that its different you are just excusing DV/A.

Do you think a man physically a using his wife isn't that bad unless he bruises or hurts her? If he shoves her, or gives a slap but not hard enough to leave a mark, is that ok?

No, but I would judge a man who shoved past a woman in anger while exiting a room differently to one who shoved her forward against a wall and differently again to one who hit her in the face, and maybe different again to someone who beat her to a bloody pulp.

Once or twice when joking around my DP and I have "play fought", I have attempted to hit punch himbon the arm or whatever. It is ridiculous how little impact I can make, how easily he can catch me and hold me back. If I hit him in true anger and violence, it would be very unlikely to hurt him and he could defend himself. If he hit me in true anger and violence, he could really hurt me and I would be powerless to stop him. I think it would be worse if he hit me than I hit him, because he would really be abusing his own power and strength. It would be a higher degree of physical abuse, in that sense.

Now that doesn't mean it would be right or acceptable for me to lose control and hit him. But I am just talking about this issue of all violence being equally unacceptable.

If he hit me in true anger and violence, he could really hurt me and I would be powerless to stop him

and the ops husband is powerless to stop her...because she knows he won't lay a finger on her.

That's the bit you are missing. It's not about damage or pain. It's about asserting power over him. She knows she has the upper hand. Physical violence also has an emotional abuse side to it. The asserting of power and the 'I can do this and you can't stop me' aspect.

That's what she is doing.

mixety

You seem to be confusing "play fighting" with an equal with someone that has a more submissive (For want of a better word) -passive?- role in a relationship.

Someone that will not hit back or restrain for fear that something (anything) that the perpetrator of the violence has said will happen.

And even if we go down the age old road of men are stronger etc. how many times does a woman get to hit a man without it being DV.

Actually, apart from the shoving past I think probably if a friend said their husband had shoved them against a wall I WOULD be advising her to leave as much as if he hit her in the face. Scratch that.

Lots of men feel remorse as soon as they have hit a woman. As do lots of people who commit violent crimes. It doesn't make it excusable in any way.

Despite multiple episodes of violence from his wife, the op's husband is stuck. Because if he wants to separate there is a very high chance that the op will move away and he will only see his children every other weekend, despite being the victim here. The op may be physically weaker but she holds all the cards here.

I get all the points about the hitting being wrong, which I agreed with in the original post.

I disagree that she has all the power though. You can tell from the first post how powerless she feels when she was left without a car stuck with two small children. From what she says, I can also gather she's financially dependent on him.

I do agree that she's making excuses but I don't think she is the monster she is being depicted. I see a highly stressed and vulnerable person in need of help.

Before anyone says we'd be different with men , maybe, maybe not. But even in cases of male abuse, a lot of it's about an inability to control temper under stress rather than the more sinister type we see on the tv. There are varying degrees. I repeat, it's all wrong before someone pulls me up on that but the motivation and underlying cause is different

gandalf456

You are looking for excuses.

"You can tell from the first post how powerless she feels when she was left without a car stuck with two small children"

She could have made the call

"From what she says, I can also gather she's financially dependent on him."

She has her own business, so we don't know that.

"I do agree that she's making excuses but I don't think she is the monster she is being depicted. I see a highly stressed and vulnerable person in need of help"

She has hit him three times, In your view how many times can she do this before it becomes serious?

You say "There are varying degrees", none of them are acceptable.

This thread is old. But I'm absolutely horrified at the judgement passed on here. Please please as a race let's support people to reform using empathy and kindness. We've never walked in anyone's shoes so let's not judge the situation or make it about our own. Belittling someone is not going to bring about positive change and may make the situation worse.

You are an abuser.

You will never change, your gp may be able to help you re depression but he cannot help you with who you are deep down.

Leave your husband, he does not deserve violence. You should be the one to leave the home, your husband should call the police and get a barring order against you.

Just cos you have boobs, you're no different to men that are abusers.

It doesn't matter if its an old thread. The advice is still helpful.

I also can see the pain and suffering of others through this comdemnation. Please seek the help you need to heal from the pain that is within you. May we all become stronger collectively so the fear that drives this behaviour is reduced and we can evolve as a race.