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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit my husband, i hate myself

141 replies

Gems16 · 27/09/2016 20:02

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

OP posts:
Original poster
Gems16 · 28/09/2016 12:53

Yes im a sahm but i also run my own business from home in the evenings and weekends. So my husband and i are like passing ships, he finishes work then i start work and by the time i get finished its near 10 some evenings. That alone is not good for our marriage 🙁

OP posts:
Hotlingbling · 28/09/2016 12:59

Your poor husband. He is stuck in an abusive relationship probably scared that his children will be taken away from him if you leave.
There is NEVER any excuse for violent behaviour. Some violent men have depression, drug addiction, bi-polar ect but it is never the fault of the wife or even her problem to sort.
Also if it was a man abusing a women he would not get to keep the children. You say that he bares the brunt of it because he is the only one there, then what will happen if you leave with the children and he is not there to take it, would you let your children take the brunt?
Even if he said to you "piss off I'm not fixing the fucking car, do it yourself" you still would not be justified in hitting him, you need to stop trying to make excuses for what you are doing.

Myownperson · 28/09/2016 13:02

Its our personality's r so different sometimes i don't know how we've lasted this long.

He should have left the first time you hit him and did nothing to address your problem.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 13:06

Oh that's okay then - as long as he isn't scared of you Hmm

The cause of the abuse isn't relevant at the moment. Next time (and there will be a next time given you seem to be looking for excuses) you risk your child seeing it. And before you say 'I wouldn't do it in front of them', you are either in control or you aren't.

How many women still love their husbands after they get hit by them?

You don't have to buy a house, move out to a b&b for a few days at least.

Original poster
Gems16 · 28/09/2016 13:11

I wouldn't say I've done nothing to address my problems, I've been to my gp many times the help is simply not out there for mental health problems in this country, I've been put on a waiting list for talking therapy im still waiting for word on that, that was 6 years ago. If i go to the gp they r going to throw antidepressants at me which i don't want to take because i cant cope with the side effects and after being on them a while they make me feel numb and like i have no emotions, i cant cry or laugh! I don't want to live my life like that.

OP posts:
Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 13:15

*Today 07:41 HermioneJeanGranger

I think this is very common and something that's never spoken about because of the above posts^^

I really hope hitting your partner in frustration isn't "very common" shock*

As I said, from my experiences, I think it is.

Thinking about this a bit more OP, I wonder if anger management is the way to go. I wouldn't bother with your GP because I think your chances of accessing these services through the NHS are likely to be very small. I would start researching people who can help and pay for it.

Basically you're lashing out when frustrated and if you have a chance of changing that you need to change your coping methods and reactions.

I think I've missed talk of being depressed but if you are I would see the GP about that and go on anti depressants

Lweji · 28/09/2016 13:17

Antidepressants can help, but they have to be adjusted and even different versions tried out.
But it is a mind set too and blaming others doesn't help.

Having said that, it is possible that your oh contributes to your mental health problems. We don't know from this side, so getting some sape from each other can only be a good thing, surely.

You should talk to people who know both of you and be honest and ask for their opinion.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 13:20

I have had severe depression and anxiety and there is no help out there in terms of therapy for for me because I didn't fit the criteria for CBT. However I took the meds because I needed to.

You are just making excuse after excuse

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 13:21

You can't blame anyone else for your own problems - that's victim blaming at its finest.

Myownperson · 28/09/2016 13:26

Yes sorry i realised that my post was incorrect. I meant your failure to acknowledge your problem.

Because you aren't acknowledging it from what I can read.

I feel really uncomfortable about talking about hormones, boredom, mental health provision etc in relation to justifying physical violence.

I acknowledge - and indeed relate - to all the above issues. Maybe other posters can help you work out what to do.

And I am uncomfortable about your cavalier aporoach to your husband's feelings.

GoMeGoYou · 28/09/2016 13:26

I agree that physical assault is never excusable and that you should be seeking help and looking for a way that ensures you won't do it again. I think leaving your DP is the only way forward.

It won't be easy but it has to be done.

Good luck.

Original poster
Gems16 · 28/09/2016 13:28

I think we should take a break from each other until i sort myself out. I keep telling him this but he doesn't want to break up! Deep down i don't want 2 break up either but i know its the right thing to do for the kids sake. I know this sounds crazy and goes against everything I've said but we do actually love each other i couldn't imagine myself with any other man! I need some sort of talking therapy to try to understand why im like this maybe then we could work things out. I really don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:
Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 13:29

What do you mean it's the right thing for the kids? Have they witnessed the hitting?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 13:31

Move out for a while. Thats a start.

Sadly you won't, your DH will forgive you and you will continue to be aggressive and violent because you can get away with it, and because you can justify it to yourself by saying he makes you do it and you have MH issues.

Glitterball86 · 28/09/2016 13:34

I feel for you OP, I wrote a post very similar to yours on Friday and it's not a nice situation for anyone to be in!
Hope you are ok And have friends on RL which can be a sounding board for you

Gymnopedies · 28/09/2016 13:35

I also think breaking up is the best thing.
It's difficult to know if the hitting is a problem for him or not (i.e. wether he brushes it off because it doesn't hurt or if he is indeed affected by it). But the fact remains that you have it in you to hit him so the best way forward is to separate.

Original poster
Gems16 · 28/09/2016 13:40

No my kids have never witnessed that but as much as i try to hide our problems from our kids i think they will pick on on the atmosphere at home, i grew up with an emotionally abusive father so i know how it can have lasting effects. Livia..I've never once said "he makes me do it" if u read my previous posts I've said im not blaming him in any way for MY behaviour and actions. I accept i need help to change and i want that help. That is the reason why i put this post up to begin with

OP posts:
phillipp · 28/09/2016 13:47

Well good for u, u obviously don't have the issues that i have

how do you know I don't have problems? Or very similar ones to you?

The fact is I do. I can still not manage to put my hands on anyone in violent way.

Your posts are now coming across as full of excuses. An abuser looking for people to feel sorry for them, tell them it's not their fault.

You assume I can have problems like yours or as bad as your because I don't hit my husband? Really?

Again that's moving the blame from you into your problems.

It doesn't matter if he is scared of you or not. You do not out your hands on another person in anger.

Threebedsemii · 28/09/2016 13:49

OP don't leave your husband and break up your family because MN tell you to. This isn't the place to get advice on life changing Decisons

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/09/2016 13:54

OP the issue you have is that you're physically abusive to your husband - something that you're minimising. So no. Sorry I don't sympathise with the "problem" you have.

^ this

Those posters saying 'I feel for you' etc, would you say the same if the OP was a man saying the same things?

Physical abuse is not ok at all. Nor is minimising it.

Lweji · 28/09/2016 13:54

I need some sort of talking therapy to try to understand why im like this

Rather, why you act like this. If you think it's who you are, then you won't change. If you think about the actions and the choices you have, then you can stop it.
Why do you hit your husband but not anyone else?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 13:55

Anyone with half a brain would tell the OP to leave! Would you advise a violent man to stay because it's only happened once?

snowqu33n · 28/09/2016 13:56

Hi OP, maybe you could try www.freedomprogramme.co.uk It is important that you are reaching out and trying to get help. Don't give up on yourself, maybe even try reading just something to help with understanding your emotional behaviour like maybe The Chimp Paradox. Please use any and every resource you can get, so that you can make your home environment safe for the people who matter to you the most. In my opinion, people can and do change. Focus on your own actions and you should get better reactions. Good luck to you and your family.

Lweji · 28/09/2016 13:56

In fact, this is the third time. Not even a one off. Definitely a pattern.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/09/2016 13:56

Anyone with half a brain would tell the OP to leave! Would you advise a violent man to stay because it's only happened once?

Exactly.