I hit my husband, i hate myself

[Gems16]

I have so many issues i don't know where to start.. Basically my husband and i have been together 10 years (married 2). I have serious doubts on weather we should be together or not but if i leave him what do i do? I've no where else to go, I've asked him to leave but he won't go. We're so different personality wise, i cant take his moodiness anymore he's too sensitive i cant say anything to him! We had a row today and i lost my temper and i hit him.its not the first time its happened. Our car broke down on Sunday its been in the mechanics for 2 days now and i asked my husband to phone the mechanic to find out what the problem is and when it will be ready, my husband is so easy going i cant stand it..he kept saying yeah ill do it later.if i say anything im a psycho and he calls me a nutter under his breath in front of the kids. He says he can't stand me so i say leave then if ur that unhappy but he wont! Im ready for a breakdown if i have to sit in this house one more day with no car! He's at work all day and im left here with 2 kids (1 crying teething baby) in the middle of nowhere. Not a shop or anything near us! I moved here to be with him and sometimes i really resent him for it. I've suffered with mental health issues (anxiety, depression). Im not using that as an excuse as i know there is no excuse for violence. I didn't hurt him really (i couldn't even if i tried) he's a big strong man, im weak compared to him. But i know that's not the point. I feel terrible i hate myself for being like this. I just feel so isolated and in a rut. I know i need help but who do i ask? I was gonna speak to my doctor but im afraid they'll take my kids. Im a good mother my kids are my life i couldn't bear to be apart from them

Anyway OP this relationship clearly isn't healthy, you say you wouldn't hit him in front of the kids but you can't be sure and if emotional abuse is going on they are almost certainly picking up on it as it is.

Tell your mum what's going on that way you can't back out and start making plans to leave.

she could indeed. But what would her motivation be? All I'm saying is that it would be unwise to rush to judgment, that there is another potential situation going on here and that if the OP is actually the victim here then some of the intemperate responses here could well have the effect of making the OP into even more of a victim.

Her motivation is seeking validation that what she did isn't that bad. That it's going to be ok, that what she didn't doesn't classify her as an abuser.

The OP is not a victim

She hit her partner because she can, she knows he won't hit her back, she has used her mental health, hormones and everything else as an excuse. She has even said 'it's only the third time it's happen, not like it happens a lot' .

She isn't a victim. Is her dh a saint? I have no clue. But no behaviour excuses putting your hands on someone in anger.

The op may be in a fragile state. She should be. She hit her husband for the third time.

No, I won't make an abuser feel better about what they did or make them the victim.

Again would you feel her husband would be ok to slap her back? Would her behaviour be enough of an excuse for him?

I really don't think you can continue a relationship with your husband, it sounds like you both are causing issues, and violence is unforgivable. It's time to say stop, work on yourself and make sure your kids are safe from your anger. What a mess : /

CalmItKermitt

not sure what thread you are reading. But if you want to see bias then you'll always only read what you want.

It's quite possible both are abusive, in their own way. Based on what the OP says he could well be. But we don't know.
Yes, it could be that it is mostly your fault, OP. Or not. Who knows?

What's important here is that you have assaulted him. And more than once. So, you are abusive towards him. You are choosing to hit him and nobody else, so you can control your anger and your temper. It's not who you are, but what you choose to do. You can choose to walk away from him.
If he happens to be abusive towards you too, it's simply one more reason for you to walk away.

*Today 14:36 LiviaDrusillaAugusta

Yeah you're right - hitting someone is the sign of a healthy relationship. I wish someone had told me that when I was two and witnessing violence. hmm

Normal relationships do not include hitting your partner. If you believe that then it may be your view of relationships that's out of kilter*

I clearly didn't say it was part of a healthy relationship so wind your neck in.

And I'm making no distinction between whether the violence is against the man or woman so no double standards here

I'm almost afraid to say this for fear of being shot down - but could it be that the OPs DH has been provoking her to behave this way?

There is absolutely no way that this would ever have been written about a woman being hit by a man.

The op has physically assaulted her husband three times. She is entirely responsible for this, regardless of what he had done to "deserve" this.

Phillip.. U really are a know it all arent u, u think u have me all worked out and everything I've said is just a big cover up to excuse what I've done to him, tell me this why would i come on here and tell people openly what i did to my husband in the first place if i was trying 2 "cover up" my actions. Everything I've said on here is the truth and u can choose to believe me or not i don't care anymore. This is the last comment im gonna leave on this thread because im really sorry now that I've asked for help. The fact of the matter is no one on here really knows me or knows what type of person i really am. I made a mistake, i threw my phone at my husband in a moment of anger. I did it once before and once before that i slapped him across the face because he said something horrible to me which i wouldn't even repeat on here. After each time i did these things I've felt terrible, i beat myself up about it for days. My husband came home for lunch earlier and i cried with him, i told him we can't go on like this its not normal, his words to me were he loves me and the kids more than anything and he wont allow us to break up. So u see things arent always so black and white. In my opinion a woman who hits a man is not always the same as when a man hits a woman. Men usually hit women to show that they have some sort of power over them. Women r more complex creatures. Im in no way saying that makes it OK but women have a lot to deal with emotionally (child birth, hormones, body changes, confidence issues) and in my case I've given up everything for my husband I've moved to his area, i don't have time to socialise, see friends or have a life in general because im working very hard trying to give my family the best life i can. And everyone who said "oh how do u know u won't lose ur temper with the children" i can tell u now without any shadow of doubt my kids will never come to any harm, i adore my kids and guess what they adore me too

I am sure your children adore you, but the truth is that if you are struggling with untreated depression, to the point where you assault their father, then that will affect them. It's not about how much they love you or how much you don't want it to damage them: it is a fact that it does; research has shown that many times.

It will make them more insecure at the present time, but it may also damage their ability to have happy relationships themselves.

So you need to do everything in your power to make sure that it doesn't happen again, that you get treatment for your problems whether you like it or not, and that you manage to negotiate some kind of life where you are able to have friends and socialise, something that will make your children feel that they are living in a normal and calm household where everybody's needs are being met. They need it.

Wind your neck in

Nothing like reasonable discussion

OP you obviously don't think you did anything wrong, and it wasn't your fault anyway so I'm not sure why you posted.

You have your answer here. If your husband is as horrible as you say he is, then you should leave.

Your relationship doesn't come across as loving, for whatever reasons.

But the reasons you are hitting him are the same as for any men. It's to gain control and have power over the other person. Possibly because you don't feel you have it in another way.
Will you also slap your child if they say something horrible to you? If not, why not? You're the same person, with the same hormones. What is it so special about your husband that deserves to be slapped, or thrown a phone at, but not anyone else does?
Why do you feel it is ok for you to hit him?

In my opinion a woman who hits a man is not always the same as when a man hits a woman. Men usually hit women to show that they have some sort of power over them. Women r more complex creatures. Im in no way saying that makes it OK but women have a lot to deal with emotionally (child birth, hormones, body changes, confidence issues)

What a self serving statement to make! It's also deeply sexist to say women are more complex creatures and therefore because they have more to deal with their behaviour is excusable!! You know legally that clap trap has no bearing whatsoever. Assault is assault regardless of gender.

Women have actually killed their partners in domestic abuse situations but hey that's okay because they were having a bad day due to hormones

You're kidding yourself if you think you're doing right by your kids. You've been violent to your husband on three separate occasions, this is not a one off.

For those saying the husband is being emotionally abusive because he won't leave why should he? It's his home as well and they are also his kids, why should he be the one to walk away??

If the OP wants to end things and he won't then she must be the one to leave the marital home not expect to just push her husband out and then get violent when he refuses to go.

And presumably you go around hitting people that annoy you in day to day life?

In my opinion a woman who hits a man is not always the same as when a man hits a woman.

Well you would say that!

You are the one that is physically abusing you husband.

Take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming others and trying to justify your behaviour. There is no justification.

Really hoping the OP's husband one daybfindbthe strength to leave this awful relationship and take his children to a better life.

FWIW I think this is one of the threads that hasn't suffered from double standards the majority of posts have held her accountable for her actions.

Phillip.. U really are a know it all arent u, u think u have me all worked out and everything I've said is just a big cover up to excuse what I've done to him, tell me this why would i come on here and tell people openly what i did to my husband in the first place if i was trying 2 "cover up" my actions.

no, I know a lot about how abusers work. Looking for validation that what they did wasn't 'that bad' is one of them. I believe every word you say. It's still makes you an abuser.

n my opinion a woman who hits a man is not always the same as when a man hits a woman. Men usually hit women to show that they have some sort of power over them

bollocks, you hit your husband because you know there is no way he would hit you back. You are trying to show him you have power over him.

You think 3 incidents of violence isnt a lot, that it's not as bad if women do it, it's your mental health, it's your hormones.

None of this is taking responsibility for your actions. It's all minimising and excusing.

And everyone who said "oh how do u know u won't lose ur temper with the children" i can tell u now without any shadow of doubt my kids will never come to any harm, i adore my kids and guess what they adore me too

I am sure your kids do love you. I didn't say they didn't. However if you know you will always 100% keep your temper with them, it proves there is no medical cause here, it's not your partners actions, you didn't lose control. You chose to be violent. If you know you can control it with the kids, you can control it when it comes to your dh. You choose not to, because you get away with it. If that's not trying to exert power over someone I do t know what is.

So u see things arent always so black and white.

OP, I posted many months ago that MN was too black and white.

But you know what, I actually believe now some things are black and white. Physically assaulting a partner 3 times is wrong. Its always wrong. No excuses. No justification.

I also firmly believe that your children are not living in a happy situation. It is not healthy. It is not happy. You can actually face up to that and do something or feel hard done by.

I don't see any projection in the above.

I get that life is nuanced. I get that it is difficult for some of us not to project when a poster describes abusive behaviour and goes to great lengths to explain why. It is very possible that there is much more going on than we see, of course it is. I've been through the mental gymnastics of trying to understand an unhealthy relationship.

But some things are still black and white. And I think it is good that there is certainty about that. And many posters are helped immensely by hearing a strong clear message.

I do believe people can change and so find your posts sad. Because I don't think you are owning your behaviour so I don't see how your home dynamic will change.

I have put my hands on someone else before because I was subject to emotional, sexual and financial abuse. I knew he wouldn't hit me back because that would automatically make him in the wrong, because as Livia pointed out 'violence makes everything else irrelevant'. Yes that was exactly what he told me. Not true at all. I haven't had any help since this man and I can confidently say I would never put my hands on my partner or my kids. If anyone ever treated me the way I was treated then I run a mile and never look back. I couldn't leave back then. Nothing excuses violence but there's a difference between excusing something and understanding it. Everyone has reasons for the way they act even if the act itself is unforgivable.

OP's situation is obviously not as extreme as mine but her situation can hardly be compared to breaking someone's jaw, and yes I would say the same to a man posting this although I know many others wouldn't.

OP I don't know if you're still reading but if you are then I would get professional help. You cannot go on feeling trapped, you need a plan B.

If anyone wants to label me as a violent abuser then feel free and I will PM you the details.

OP's situation is obviously not as extreme as mine

Actually that bothered me after I posted. We don't know OPs situation at all. Not least because if you are subjected to the type of abuse you describe user it can be difficult to know you are, let alone describe it.

OP, I hope you work things out.

In my opinion a woman who hits a man is not always the same as when a man hits a woman

Rubbish it's domestic violence you are minimising and victim blaming. And no your not a good mother, you assaulted your husband when the children were at home. If your husband were seeking advice he would be told not to leave the marital home or the children, he would also be encouraged to report the incident to the police.

saw the thread on AIBU about the man wanting sex and the hypocrisy on there and then came on here and saw this. Unbelievable day on mumsnet

"does he take the kids to give you a bit of free time" is the highlight so far for me.

There was a couple among our acquaintance where it was clear that the wife was repeatedly and caculatedly violent towards her husband. She hit him in public on more than one occasion, in a very intense, angry, eye-contact, punching-hard-on-the-arm way and was generally extremelly controlling. That was what she did in public, so god knows what happened at home. Anyway, it was clearly awful and she was a horrible person.

But I know of another couple where he was the controlling one, he would press all her buttons, wind her up and wind her up and she ended up hitting him, twice I think, and he laughed because it was what he wanted. It was like a way to show how little power she had, she could hit and he wasn't hurt.

In neither case should anyone be hitting anyone, but I do not think both hitters should be labelled 'abusers' and be treated as equally as bad as each other.

Couldn't OP be closer to the second category, from what she's said?

OP, I don't think you realise how awful this is. You have reacted with physical violence three times towards your husband but it's ok because you have lots of excuses/you love him/ he won't go etc.
As for saying that it is different when a woman hits a man, it really isn't. You are excusing your behaviour to make you look hard done by. Wrong place.
You need help op.