husband cheated with hooker what to do

[Babz33]

I'm new here, I just found out 2 days ago my husband got himself a bday gift and wen to a hooker. We've been married for 6 years, we have a baby boy. he was.seemed to be a good husband, supportive, good dad etc, we had good life together. I told him knew, I told him he destroyed everything for us and for our little boy to have a normal family. he said he only went once, he watches a lot of porn and this idea/fantasy hes been having for a while he finally did it but regrets it every day and feels awful. I don't know what to do now should I leave him?

And the reason I found out before was because I KNEW for a long time something wasn't right, and needed the evidence which I found on his phone.

He feels you aren't having enough sex and he needs an "escape" from the stress of daily life, fair enough. How does paying (family) money to have clandestine sex with a woman who consents only for financial imperative equal a good response to that situation? For 3 years!

User do you think women are obligated to "give" their husbands sex? Do you think men need to have sex?

Also, I don't want to beat you while you're down but people aren't going on angry rants. Posters have given controlled and well reasoned explanations why this behaviour is unreasonable. Women are allowed to express legitimate anger without it being an hysterical rant.

Obviously my marriage is in a lot of trouble, never claimed otherwise

You have done nothing but minimise what your DH has done user. If you need to start a thread of your own, I suggest you do. Although you will be told the same as Babz I would suspect

User, it might be an idea to start your own thread. You say you're not religious - well, in that case, presumably you believe as I do that this one life of (hopefully) 70 to 80 odd years is all you get. That's it. No jam tomorrow for being a good girl who stands by her man. 10 years is a hell of a large proportion of it to waste feeling miserable, unvalued, in denial, in fear, on the off chance that you may be able to fix things. Really, please believe us when we say you deserve better, and that there really is better out there to be had. That's not an attack, that's me saying very sincerely that you as a person deserve a much better life than the one you're describing. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you.

So sorry for you and your baby, to be going through this. I personally would never be able to get over this. I absolutely know this to be true . if my OH had sex with another person then I would have to walk away. I would never be comfortable with him again. But that's me. You just do what you feel you can cope with. We've had problems in the past, but never believed in going outside our marriage to fix them. This is a deal breaker, and I don't think it can be resolved. I wish you well, in whatever you decide to do. I am brokenhearted for you having to get your head and heart about his blatant disregard for you.

He actually says he feels relieved to have been caught and doesn't want to go down that route again to cope.

If I had a pound for the times I've heard this ^^^^.

The "I'm relieved I was caught".

These cheaters are so relieved that they never actually stop cheating or confess. They get caught and then spew all this crap.

Or the other line is "I wanted to end it but she was blackmailing me to stay. She threatened to tell you if I ended it".

OP and User ... this link may be helpful to you both. It's for those whose wayward spouse's were with sex workers.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528

How bad would someone's life have to be that they could think their best option was to stay with someone who risked their DCs contracting HIV/syphillis/hepatitis.

I wrote a thread about this myself a few months ago. I found out my husband has visited a prostitute.... I eventually forgave and tried to move past it as I was 6 months pregnant with our third child at the time...

Anyway I just found out 3 days ago that he has done it again! To be honest I'm not even that bothered, after the first time I had nothing left for him anyway...

He has admitted he has a sex addiction, he says that the only time he feels happy and not depressed is when he is a aroused.

I just don't know what to think anymore! All I see when I look at him is a dirty, sleazy man.

I do feel sorry for him though... he clearly loves me and our dc and knows that he has messed everything up! He just has so many issues, with lying and depression and anxiety..must be so hard being in his head sometimes!

He says he will go to see a councillor and do anything he can to prove that this will never happen again... it's all just too little too late....but leaving is soo hard!

We have a holiday booked to Disneyland in a few weeks, the dc will be devastated if we don't go! Just feel a bit trapped atm....

I wrote a thread about this myself a few months ago. I found out my husband has visited a prostitute.... I eventually forgave and tried to move past it as I was 6 months pregnant with our third child at the time...

Anyway I just found out 3 days ago that he has done it again! To be honest I'm not even that bothered, after the first time I had nothing left for him anyway...

He has admitted he has a sex addiction, he says that the only time he feels happy and not depressed is when he is a aroused.

I just don't know what to think anymore! All I see when I look at him is a dirty, sleazy man.

I do feel sorry for him though... he clearly loves me and our dc and knows that he has messed everything up! He just has so many issues, with lying and depression and anxiety..must be so hard being in his head sometimes!

He says he will go to see a councillor and do anything he can to prove that this will never happen again... it's all just too little too late....but leaving is soo hard!

We have a holiday booked to Disneyland in a few weeks, the dc will be devastated if we don't go! Just feel a bit trapped atm....

essieestherson Sorry this has happened to you

He just has so many issues, with lying and depression and anxiety..must be so hard being in his head sometimes!

Even though he has these issues he shouldn't be going and visiting prostitutes,
you are pretty much justifying for him, because he has these issues it is ok for him to cheat on you with prostitutes he pays to have sex with.

If DP was to do that nonsense to me, the only conversations we'd be having is what days he gets access to the children!!

I'm not even that bothered, after the first time I had nothing left for him anyway

Yes. It's emotional detachment. If he isn't aroused constantly .... then you're left with a depressed husband. Seems like the prostitute gets the best of him and gets paid for it.

He saw it wasn't a dealbreaker for you, so he's gone back. You forgive once and you can do it again. Clearly the fear of loosing you wasn't at the top of his priority list.

I couldn't be married to a man I don't respect.

I have no respect at all for him.

He is still adamant he made an appointment but didn't go through with it... seems strange that he was over an hour late home from work that night.

He's sent flowers today.... have no idea what he thinks that's going to achieve...Just spending £50 more of our family money!

Just wish it was as simple as I could tell him to leave and me and the children could live happily in our home, but it's just so much more difficult. Especially as our third dc is only a few weeks old...

Essie, you are not trapped.

He will do it again. His words mean shit. Actions tell you all you need to know. Was the first time not enough for him to be suitably remorseful ? Obviously not....and less so the second time. You are a fool if you let him stay.

It's painful seeing User justify her husbands choices...strong maybe but sadly walked all over. I can't imagine many of your friends or family understand his actions...or hang on, is it all a hush hush dirty secret by any chance?

OP your husband has fantasised about and planned his 'birthday surprise' knowing it would cause you a great deal of pain and hurt. What kind of person does that?

How many times will you be shit on before you break the cycle :-(

"It's not good for anyone to go on a huge show of vengeance, apart from feeling momentarily strong and righteous and get all the attention and support from friends and family."

So women shouldnt need attention and support from friends and family when their H has been fucking prostitutes. But when a man feels hes not getting attention and support its ok for him to go out and buy sex. Reread your own posts because THIS is exactly what youve said.

Yet again women should put up and shut up just for having a vagina.

No, of course i don't mean that women should shut up. Why do you mumsnetters insist on putting words in someones mouth?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to be in this position? Have you been in this position?
And yes, it is a dirty secret that I now carry. I'm desperate to keep the family together, and I know what everyone else would say. Leave him. But deep down I don't want to break up the family. Why is it so difficult to understand? I also don't have much of a support network. None at all really. My father is the only close family member I have and he lives abroad with a new ladyfriend I dislike. My mother died a few years ago. We have both been to councelling since this happened, but I don't think it helped. We went separately as we have no-one to babysit our children. I am trying to work out whether to stay or go..

No user but i am in the other position. My marriage is sexless for a couple of reasons .....one of them being DHs illnesses emphysema and ischemic heart disease.

It hasnt made me seek the services of a male escort though. I dont want to do that at all.

I really cant understand how someone can get off having sex with someone who really doesnt want to.

Well, I can't understand it either. I wouldn't go and cheat and never have. Paying for sex is completely immoral in my opinion, and I can't believe my DH has turned out to be this kind of a person..

Poor you.
He's dirty. I hope he had not contaminated you.
Get a sti check this week.
Don't shag him or blow him again. Urgh. Nasty dirty bastard.
I'm so sorry it's not fair on you.

I found out 10 months ago now. He went and got checked straight away and showed me the results. All clear thankfully. We have tried to start a physical relationship again in the effort of saving the marriage, but I'm not so into it as you can imagine. It's really difficult. Every now and again I crash mentally and start questioning everything, which is good I guess. I'm not ready to leave right now, but maybe there comes a day when I'm ready.

I don't really get this 'I want to keep the family together' attitude. You see, for me, if DH had cheated I would instantly stop thinking of him as part of the family.

By being unfaithful he would have willingly broken that family bond. So no more family for him. Just alternate weekends with our DDs.

I don't think HPV or HSV can be effectively tested for.
They can also both be spread even while using condoms.

Sometimes it takes ppl time to process things, you're essentially in shock, and grief .. I hope you get there user147.

We can debate things all day but as I see it there are 2 key words - integrity & decency. No-one should have to take that from their partner, from someone who's supposed to love them.

Ppl will seize on any buzz word or concept that lets them get away with what they've done. They may look devastated and penitent on the outside but 1 element of themselves is thinking "great, they're swallowing this, I'm actually getting them to take some responsibility, I'm going to get away with this, I'm not going to lose anything over this ... ".

I think it's sad that a husband cheats. Either with another woman or with a sex worker and the betrayed wife feels that by ending the marriage she's breaking up the family

The cheater did that all by themselves. Actions have consequences. One consequence of cheating is your marriage could end in divorce.

The betrayed spouse needs to stop the thinking that they've broken up the family by deciding not to stay with one who broke their vows

If the marriage meant as much to them as it did to you, they wouldn't have done it.

Talk less of getting a hooker for a birthday pressie for yourself. Who does that!! It's disgusting.

Fed up with the 'get an STD check' bollocks.

I worked as a maid ifor over 20 years in flats in Lomdon. All the working girls went for check ups MONTHY at The Praed Street Project So fuck off with your STD check up shite.