husband cheated with hooker what to do

[Babz33]

I'm new here, I just found out 2 days ago my husband got himself a bday gift and wen to a hooker. We've been married for 6 years, we have a baby boy. he was.seemed to be a good husband, supportive, good dad etc, we had good life together. I told him knew, I told him he destroyed everything for us and for our little boy to have a normal family. he said he only went once, he watches a lot of porn and this idea/fantasy hes been having for a while he finally did it but regrets it every day and feels awful. I don't know what to do now should I leave him?

I know an ex sex worker, who is now in her fifties and in my opinion her head is completely screwed up.

Paying for sex with a woman who wouldn't touch you with a bargepole otherwise is the epitome of no respect. The man who does that is happy to penetrate someone whose consent is compromised at best.

OP I would LTB without a doubt. For me this is worse than straightforward cheating although that would be bad enough. This is abuse of women too.

My Exh did this 6 weeks before we got married. I wish I'd had the strength (and Mumsnet) to walk away then.

I didn't. I got the script that is often referred to on here but I didn't recognise it as that at the time.

Although I always knew I could never trust him again after that point, it took me over 10 years to finally break free. Plus there were other prostitute incidents during that time. Of course it was 'my fault' - I had two young children and a full time job and sex (especially with him) was the last thing I wanted.

I wish I had done it back then. Only when I finally snapped and said it was over (and it was over something very trivial), I realised how low my self esteem had become over the years.

I was ashamed that he'd done it and far too mortified to tell anyone. Today I would have shouted it from the rooftops and let everyone know what he was really like.

Once a cheater always a cheater. You deserve better.

Just because someone is a sex worker doesn't mean they have diseases or you are better than them.

Get familiar with MN. Having an STD check is recommended to EVERY woman that has been cheated on.

And, if anything, prostitutes are seen as victims or not giving full consent.
It's the men who use them who are looked down on.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is his doing, not yours.

HerFace, the sex worker thing is irrelevant. Doesn't matter if he cheated with a sex worker, a colleague or the Queen, the advice to get checked would be the same.

For me paying for sex is much much worse than cheating.

It's different than a chance regret on a drunken evening, because it was a cold planned hard transaction.

He thought about it, fantasised about it and booked. He put his own needs and desires and lusts before the feelings of guilt and pain and risk he could bring to the woman he supposedly loved and cherished.

He had plenty of time to think on the possible negative outcome of being found out and he still went ahead to the appointment.

I'm so sorry for you OP.

Beebeeeight Some men have no choice, they can't get laid any other way.

So? Sex isn't a human right.

Sadly you'll need to do the std checks twice - I forget which one but at least one of them can present a false negative. You'll need to repeat I think about six weeks or more later. Please ask your doctor about it. (I've done this myself). It doesn't matter who the ow was, you need to protect yourself.

So sorry op, that's a harsh thing to have to deal with. Hugs.

BlasianFashionista, you have such an elegant turn of phrase.

"getting laid" - of course every man's right, no matter how desparate or drug hooked or bad social situation has caused a woman to sell herself as a fuck hole.

Life without sex can be normal,. Buy some kleenex.

ExpatTrailing

HIV isn't done until 4 weeks after risk of exposure (the window period) and is usually re-done 12 week after exposure irrespective of results.

If you get tested 12+ weeks after exposure then the test will not need to be re-done a the result will be accurate.

crazyname - thanks. I couldn't remember exactly what the deal was. Otoh, I wouldn't want to wait 4 weeks to find out some of the other nasty things I could have caught. So for me I'd do the two. Obv up to OP to decide which way to go.

I know of a friend whose husband bought sex with a prostitute whilst on a lads holiday in Thailand.
She stayed but their relationship will never be the same again.
Only you know whether you have anything worth saving and how remorseful he is. If he isn't bending over backwards to work on your relationship together then you are flogging a dead horse.
So sorry op

Op, I don't believe you need to "work on your relationship together"

That to me implies taking part of the blame or assuming there was something so wrong in the relationship it gave him the right to cold bloodedly plan to pay a woman to let him stick his cock inside her

Op hasn't done anything. The "work" to be done (if he is lucky enough to ever cross op's threshold again) is all his

You are right any fucker bad choice of words. I meant he should be bending over backwards to save his relationship. If he isn't then there isn't any comeback from that. Also if OP did decide to try then yes it would involve 'work' from her. Because moving past such a betrayal would be incredibly hard to do, emotionally and psychologically. I also believe that she has done nothing wrong and he is an idiot. my friend will never be the same again no matter how hard they try. Pandora's box and all that.

Amen to that, Rarity.

I do think we should choose our advice carefully though. Society already blames women when their men stray. Constantly women are bombarded with messages that to be attractive to men they have to be x, y or z. That they have to be Nigella in the kitchen and a porn star in the bedroom.

Well, fuck that.

Op's husband made his choice. He wants the sleaze experience. Let's hope he soon discovers it wasn't worth it.

Every woman I have ever read who this has happened to, her husband always swears it was the first time. It defies belief that every husband caught doing this has only done it once.

^^^ This.

And this. ..

Did he actually show signs of "feeling awful" before you found this out?

They always feel awful when they get caught.

common sense tells me to leave him and start over were still yound enough we can re-build our lives

I agree with you on this ^^^^ as well Babz

We were sold an ideal that doesn't exist though weren't we? It's impossible to be that oxymoron of career woman, Mother Earth and sexy godess! Men are still stuck (not all but many by reading MN) in the mindset that they are entitled to work and sit on their backsides and play a supporting role in child rearing. As a professional woman and a single mum I despair in finding a prince among frogs!

They are out there. But they don't number amongst punters, that is for sure.

agree with ops re STI check and divorce.

For me this would be far worse than an affair.

"Society already blames women when their men stray"

Including Relate. Ive seen some experiences on here and articles in magazines (not the celeb mags) to back this up.

Indeed, Helena. Good point.

Op, if joint counselling is suggested to you, that would be a bad idea

The inference that because the woman was a sex worker she's bound to be crawling in diseases is insulting to her.

I disagree.

A sex worker has multiple sex partners and even though she probably uses condoms, it's no insult to her.

Of course it's higher risk. She has sex at every opportunity to make money FFS.