husband cheated with hooker what to do

[Babz33]

I'm new here, I just found out 2 days ago my husband got himself a bday gift and wen to a hooker. We've been married for 6 years, we have a baby boy. he was.seemed to be a good husband, supportive, good dad etc, we had good life together. I told him knew, I told him he destroyed everything for us and for our little boy to have a normal family. he said he only went once, he watches a lot of porn and this idea/fantasy hes been having for a while he finally did it but regrets it every day and feels awful. I don't know what to do now should I leave him?

[Mamia15]

Sandy - many do it because they feel they don't have much choice. Research often show that many come from backgrounds that have led to them being conditioned to think that there are no other alternatives or that they are only good enough to be used in this way. Some will have been trafficked. Some will have had abusive childhoods. Also sadly research show that they often will have started "working" in their teens.

Don't buy into the myth of the Happy Hooker.

[SandyY2K]

That's no justification for cheating in such a vile dehumanising way, paying to use vulnerable women's bodies.

Don't believe that all prostitutes are vulnerable. Many do it because they quite simply want to and it's quick cash.

It's not that they don't have a choice. They just prefer it to other ways of earning a living.

Everyone has a threshold of what they could deal with in marriage. So often, limited finances is a major factor in the decision.

Just don't spend years after this in misery trying to make it work.

[Horsegirl1]

Defo leave him what a dirty disgusting bastard. Sorry but you deserve better. If he cared about you and your baby he woukd never have done this.

[thegoodnameshadgone]

So sorry for you.

He planned it, he prob picked the Gotland he paid for it. To cheat.

I'm sorry I'm harsh. He will do it again. Months, years from now. As his treat. Get rid.

Your better than this. He's a complete arsehole.

My ex did this. Xxxx

Good luck in your new, better life xxxx

[Mamia15]

I can also see that I have not been the best wife out there due to many reasons and have ignored our sex life, so I am not in any means blaming myself, but accept that it might have been a contributing factor, and if he was happy with the relationship then this wouldn't have happened.

That's no justification for cheating in such a vile dehumanising way, paying to use vulnerable women's bodies.

Instead, he could have talked to you, wooed you, suggested counselling, invested more in family life/the marriage and looked at ways of giving you more time so that you are not as tired and have more energy for sex etc.

Don't fool yourself in thinking that men in happy marriages don't cheat. They do sadly. The fault is in them - an entitled selfishness that makes that think risking everything to cheat is for them.

[user1474816476]

I also think he might be minimising. My DH told me when caught that it had only been once, then twice and only bj's, but eventually came clean it was a handful of times over three year period, and he went all the way.

I think it all depends on individual situation. We have been through hell because of this and are still going through it less than a year later, but I am quite confident he hasn't done it since. We have both been to counselling individually, and are due to start couples counselling soon.

I personally don't think divorcing and leaving straight away is the only answer. I'm not religious or in a conservative traditional relationship, far from it, but do I love my children so much that I am willing to see if this can be fixed for the sake of them not having to grow up either in toxic environment or with divorced parents. I do also love him, even though he has hurt me so badly.
I can also see that I have not been the best wife out there due to many reasons and have ignored our sex life, so I am not in any means blaming myself, but accept that it might have been a contributing factor, and if he was happy with the relationship then this wouldn't have happened.

I think this is me done with this subject though. Too much mumsnet and reading all these comments can throw you in a real downward spin. OP, I wish you strength to deal with this horrible situation and hope you will come out the other end with more clarity and eventually - happiness.

[jackiesmithhh]

It seems like you're hesitating and want to give it a chance which means you still have feelings for him. I would say that is probably the case in many same situations. How do you feel when you look at him? When he touches you our you him - if you do have any interactions since the incident?

[jackiesmithhh]

Babz, user, I'm sorry to hear it happened to you or in that matter anybody else. It is emotionally draining and painful.

I can understand all points of view from other comments. Everybody is different and reacts differently. It's a choice people need to make when facing the issue which is the hardest. It actually happens.

[HermioneWeasley]

He's done it many times and will continue to do it again.

If you stay with him, please do it knowing that.

[MaQueen]

You do know that he is desperately, desperately trying to hide as much from you, as he can possibly get away with, don't you?

He's desperately trying to play it all down...it was only twice...it was only a BJ...I didn't even really enjoy it (or whatever).

[Cary2012]

He's minimising lovely, you know that don't you?

Come on girl, find your strength, he's crossed the line. You deserve better than considering staying with a guy because 'it was just a bj'. Yeah, right, and I'm Beyonce.

[AnyFucker]

Drip, drip, drip

You don't know the half of it, I am afraid

[Babz33]

Thank you all for your messages, im reading when i can, it helps a lot to make some kind of decision. im not going to rush into anything im giving myself a month to decide, we talked a lot i can understand his f**ed up reasoning; hes bending over backwards now but doesnt change anything.Even if i wanted and found strenght to try to forgive the thought of what he did will keep coming back. on the other hand if he did it once (although we are now saying he did it twice and it was blow jobs WTF) does it mean he WILL do it again?

[Iusedtobecarmen]

I think its difficult to ask people what you should do in this situatuon. People can only say what they would do. What they would see as unacceptable or a dealbreaker.
I could categorically not stay with someone who had paid for sex. Waaay worse then just cheating. We are all human and sometimes we fancy other people. Its possible to have a drunken one night stand or meet someone and fall for them. Still not ok to cheat,but to me,better than handpicking a prostitute.
To plan the event,see it as a gift(wtf?)and choose a woman on her looks, body or 'skills' she offers would be about the worse thing someone could do to me.
How the hell do you have sex with them again?
Id also be thinking i really didnt know this man if he thought this was okay.
And id be going for an STI regardless of who it was-because hed cheated.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

For your own sanity and self esteem, please leave him. One of my closest friends has remained married to a man who a few years back spent £10,000 on prostitutes. The fact that she didn't leave him over it defies belief in my book, and even though he apparently hasn't cheated again since that 'phase' his lack of respect for her is awful. Effectively she's shown him she'll put up with anything, and he does whatever the hell he wants while she sits at home picking up the pieces and looking after the kids. Don't let your life go that way

[loobyloo1234]

thecook sounds bitter

How dare people suggest the OP gets an STI check ... when her cheating cunt of a husband has cheated on her with god knows who

[AnyFucker]

Some men who are married to mumsnetters use prostitutes.

So shut up. And open your legs more.

Or summat like that.

[MaQueen]

Are we meant to be shocked that some men use prostitutes, then? Have to admit, I am distinctly unshocked by this...

[Lweji]

So, thecook, you say sex workers had monthly STD checks, but you say that someone who's had sex with a man who's had sex with sex worker doesn't need an STD check.
So, are you saying that only sex workers need STD checks? Or that they had STD checks for nothing, as it's so unlikely that they'd get an STD?
Because, if there is a clear risk for sex workers, then there is also a clear risk for any other woman that has sex with the men who have sex with sex workers.
In fact, there is a similar risk for anyone having more than one sex partner, and an increased risk with the number of sex partners.
It's you who's speaking bollocks.

BTW, no need for the shock "revelations". Men cheat. Men use prostitutes. Men in the city cheat and use prostitutes. Many men have used prostitutes and their wives know nothing about it. Shocker. You're just coming across as having a chip on the shoulder. Perhaps you're not as comfortable in your life decisions as you think you are.

[Cherryskypie]

The STI check is because they have slept with someone else.

The more sexual encounters you have, the higher the chances of picking up an infection. Even if they have monthly checks, prostitutes are likely to have had sexual contact with a few dozen men between those checks. That raises the odds of infection. As does the fact that the men concerned are likely to have had sexual contact with other prostitutes who also will have had contact with lots of men between STI checks.

[AdoraBell]

Just to clarify thecook, I said to get an STI check because he's cheated, not because it was with a sex worker. And cheating with a prostitute is worse than an affair in my eyes because IMO men who pay for sex have little or no respect for women.

[thecook]

The clients I encountered are probably married to mumsnetters

On the day of the Canary Wharf IRA attack a customer rung the doorbell telling me detsils of the atrocity He stayed for a blow job. The next two hours were filled with clients So busy. I could hear them ringing their wiives on their big Nokia phomes. ' There is a bomb scare at Liverpool Street Station' My arae. Shagging prostitutes on Sandy's Row!

[thecook]

Fed up with the 'get an STD check' bollocks.

I worked as a maid ifor over 20 years in flats in Lomdon. All the working girls went for check ups MONTHY at The Praed Street Project So fuck off with your STD check up shite.

[SandyY2K]

I think it's sad that a husband cheats. Either with another woman or with a sex worker and the betrayed wife feels that by ending the marriage she's breaking up the family

The cheater did that all by themselves. Actions have consequences. One consequence of cheating is your marriage could end in divorce.

The betrayed spouse needs to stop the thinking that they've broken up the family by deciding not to stay with one who broke their vows

If the marriage meant as much to them as it did to you, they wouldn't have done it.

Talk less of getting a hooker for a birthday pressie for yourself. Who does that!! It's disgusting.

[merville]

I don't think HPV or HSV can be effectively tested for.
They can also both be spread even while using condoms.

Sometimes it takes ppl time to process things, you're essentially in shock, and grief .. I hope you get there user147.

We can debate things all day but as I see it there are 2 key words - integrity & decency. No-one should have to take that from their partner, from someone who's supposed to love them.

Ppl will seize on any buzz word or concept that lets them get away with what they've done. They may look devastated and penitent on the outside but 1 element of themselves is thinking "great, they're swallowing this, I'm actually getting them to take some responsibility, I'm going to get away with this, I'm not going to lose anything over this ... ".