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Original poster

husband cheated with hooker what to do

172 replies

Babz33 · 25/09/2016 12:27

I'm new here, I just found out 2 days ago my husband got himself a bday gift and wen to a hooker. We've been married for 6 years, we have a baby boy. he was.seemed to be a good husband, supportive, good dad etc, we had good life together. I told him knew, I told him he destroyed everything for us and for our little boy to have a normal family. he said he only went once, he watches a lot of porn and this idea/fantasy hes been having for a while he finally did it but regrets it every day and feels awful. I don't know what to do now should I leave him?

OP posts:
user1474816476 · 26/09/2016 07:39

Well, when you are in this situation (which you cannot imagine unless you've been there) it easy to stereotype men and go on an angry rant like most of you here who are calling to kick him out, look for a divorce lawyer etc. I'm not a door mat, far from it and calling prostitutes 'dirty'..well poor choice of words, I completely feel sorry for anyone who has to do that for a living, or is a victim of criminalities. It's just the whole thing is dirty and disgusting to me. However, I didn't 'kick him out' even though I wanted to at first, but we have been able to talk things through, and to understand where things have gone so horribly wrong. It's not good for anyone to go on a huge show of vengeance, apart from feeling momentarily strong and righteous and get all the attention and support from friends and family. 'He's a bastard, good riddance, what an idiot' and so on.. What is is good for? Take a breather, if he is willing to talk honestly about what led to it, listen , and at least you both come out of this more clear headed.

user1474781546 · 26/09/2016 07:41

Your husband fucks a prostitute and you feel sorry for him?

AnyFucker · 26/09/2016 07:47

What is your husband "good for" user ?

He would be worthless to me.

SandyY2K · 26/09/2016 07:51

user your husband has done a grest job on you... reread your post please.

3 years of prostitutes!!!! And you feel sorry for him. I'm speechless.

user1474816476 · 26/09/2016 07:51

Well, amongst other feelings like anger, disgust, hate, hurt I did feel a little bit of sorry for the way that he had felt he had no choice but to go and look for something else, when I wasn't giving him what he needed. What is wrong with empathy towards another person? You don't have to like what they have done, but can see life through their eyes no matter how hard. I absolutely condemn the act, but trying to come to a place where we can both see what went wrong. Luckily he is a man who talks, which makes it easier. Things are far from rosy. Obviously we have serious problems in our marriage, I'm sure no-one would disagree with that, but just to tell him to kick him out as most of you are advocating, feels good for a moment, but what about the long term? Could the marriage be saved? Men are not stereotypes, as neither are women. He might be a bastard, and so be it, but he might not be. All I'm saying is that don't rush into anything. My own marriage might not survive this, but at least we are trying. Plus he's an amazing dad. Not a stereotype.

SandyY2K · 26/09/2016 07:58

I couldn't accept that anything led my DH to use a prostitute.. Absolutely nothing.

But User, I've seen women accept worse than that. In one case, it's been a husband who had sex with over 400 women during the marriage and she didn't leave him.

I would say that in the extreme cases, the wife is pretty financially dependant on the husband and that is a major factor.

But I personally couldn't be with or stay with a man who has sex with a prostitute. That he would shag her and come home to me is repulsive.

smilingeyes11 · 26/09/2016 08:02

bloody hell User - get a grip! if he has used prostitutes for 3 years you have no marriage to be saved. What the hell is wrong with your self esteem that you tolerate this for one second. You will be saying it is your fault next for not giving him enough sex. And amazing dad my arse - pull the other one. Paying women for sex does not an amazing dad make. Or does this amazing dad want his own daughters to chose such a career for themselves?

SandyY2K · 26/09/2016 08:06

Luckily he is a man who talks

Except he didn't talk 3 years ago before he started this lifestyle as a regular user of pros. He never said I'm not getting sex from you so I'm going to pay for it.

3 years of cheating with hookers

He's such a good dad. I'd like to see the good dad explain his double life to his kids. It's disgusting. A good dad doesn't hurt the mother of his kids. Many in your situation have felt suicidal and had a breakdown .... what part of that makes him a good dad.

Where the mother of his children is devastated. Good dad you say, but a terrible husband. I could not have that penis in me after 3 years of hookers, so the marriage would have to end.

I feel like it would be loosing my self respect.

No man on earth is worth that.

user1474816476 · 26/09/2016 08:19

Is it so wrong to look inside yourself and see that maybe you haven't been the perfect person either? He doesn't drink, gamble, be violent..he says he needed an escape from the stresses we were experiencing in our life, and there have been and continue to be many. Most husbands I know drink too much to cope. He doesn't, unfortunately, Sex is his escape, and I wasn't giving that escape to him. I also always used to think this would be the one thing I would't forgive, but it has now happened to me and I am trying to work through it. He is a great dad. Men a very good at compartmentalising their lives and keeping things separate, as if they don't exist. he is very close to our children and gives them a lot of his time and a lot of love. So, there you are. I'm a strong woman and don't feel victimised by this.

SandyY2K · 26/09/2016 08:35

My husband doesn't drink, isn't violent, doesn't gamble or use prostitutes. .... but he's still not perfect.

There will always be hard times and stress through a marriage .... that doesn't mean it's okay.

It's not a bad thing to look at where you contributed to the marriage being in the bad state it was ..... but where did using hookers for 3 years become the answer to stress?

It's an excuse, but you've accepted it with sympathy for him. He must be thrilled you've taken it so well.

I wonder if he'd be as understanding if you had used hunky male escorts for the last 3 years as well.

Think of all that money that could have been spent on your children/household over the last 3 years .... I think you're in denial and fearful.

salamandress · 26/09/2016 08:41

It's not about you being a "strong" woman. I'm not weak because I couldn't deal with it. I'm guessing you have a very traditional relationship.

Anyway. Whatever your thoughts I don't think it's nice to pressure the OP in being able to think she Should be able to do something. That's what I did and it's very damaging.

The MAN made the choice. Our sex life was shit. I was 7 months pregnant. That is still NO excuse as a GOOD and kind and Loving partner would Not have succumbed.

I do to an extent it can just be physical. But it's a massive sign of immaturity surely to not be able I realise the repurcussions. Or the fact that sex needs love to be meaningful. In my opinion.

I'm just worried about the OP feeling pressured. It's so hard to cover up men's mistakes for years and years an to take the burden of keeping a marriage together.

Lweji · 26/09/2016 08:41

Sex is his escape, and I wasn't giving that escape to him

I do feel sorry for you and for the gymnastics you're having to do to cope with not dumping him.

He spent time and money with prostitutes that weren't put towards the family.
He risked your health, as well as his. What would be the effect on the family if he had got aids or hepB?

He lied. To all of you.
He added another source of stress to his life. He didn't make it easier.
Finally, sex is not something you do for someone else. Certainly not as a stress releliever.
I hope you don't feel you have to have sex with him now. At least not of obligation.

user1474781546 · 26/09/2016 08:53

sorry for the way that he had felt he had no choice but to go and look for something else, when I wasn't giving him what he needed.

jesus.

user1474781546 · 26/09/2016 08:56

user1474816476 he did have a choice- he chose to fuck a prostitute.

OutsSelf · 26/09/2016 09:30

He 'felt he had no choice'
FGS. Sex is not a need or a right. Some people strongly prefer to have sex often. This does not make it a 'need' since they wouldn't fucking DIE for waiting until such time some one will freely consent to have sex with them.

Your strong preference for/ bad mood without sex does not mean you NEED it.

salamandress · 26/09/2016 09:31

It's difficult deciphering conversations with all these user accounts isn't it. I was wondering why user quoted herself back on herself With incredulity.

I think if you have very strong beliefs like traditional Christian you can push your mindset enough to focus on yourself less as an individual and more your role As a wife and your duties. So in that mindset I can see that as duties haven't been fulfilled then you can rationalise the other person's actions. I'm not explaining well perhaps. It's irrelevant as I think it's bullshit anyway but I am reading a very warped and downtrodden view of women by you user476.

user1474781546 · 26/09/2016 09:51

Exactly salamandress- she sounds like Michelle Duggar.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2016 09:55

Pitiful Sad

loobyloo1234 · 26/09/2016 10:05

I even felt sorry for him he had felt so alone and low as to go to a dirty prostitute.

My very first - ODFOD

OP - no-one gets caught the first time ... unless you are very very unlucky. Get yourself an STI check done ASAP and LTB

LadyStoic · 26/09/2016 10:35

Sweet Jesus this just gets worse.

OP PLEASE both ignore the slight derail (understandably a lot of folks have responded to User including me, but have done so for reasons of calling out madness and also, I suspect to help ensure you are not caught up in User's insane protestations) and then PLEASE ignore content of User's posts as they scream of denial, warped thinking, self-esteem lower than a rat's arse. Copped off with this gem:

'I did feel a little bit of sorry for the way that he had felt he had no choice but to go and look for something else, when I wasn't giving him what he needed' Just wow. A hideous and tragic fucking wow.

I am - uber clearly along with >>others, so I'm hoping you'll see the collective view here - hoping OP that you don't in any way take from the madness of User blaming the l'il wimmin for not shagging enough that this was, in ANY way, ANYTHING to do with you. Nor User's assertion that her 'D'H had 'no choice' Hmm

User is engaging whatever she can - for reasons we know nothing about - to justify HER 'D'H's actions; she is NOT posting to help or advise youAngry

LadyStoic · 26/09/2016 10:50

User: 'Well, when you are in this situation (which you cannot imagine unless you've been there)...'

I agree you cannot know the full horror of it as it all wallops home, nor the complexities of your family being torn asunder via the CHOICES of a 'great' Dad, nor the mental torment it places you in, but why the fuck are you assuming that all of those of calling you out have NOT 'been there' and felt those things too?

There is at least one poster on here who has 'been there'. They had to have STI checks at 7months pregnant. Their child could have been born blind had they contracted Syphilis but not found out about 'D'H's CHOICES pre birth and thus able to be tested and have a C-section if needed.

He too was a 'great' Dad if by that you mean he was a hands-on Dad with whom existing children worshipped?

He was also though the Dad that risked his unborn child's health and destroyed his family.

That makes him even MORE of a cunt, not less of one.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 26/09/2016 11:19

Meh.
I think we've been infiltrated....

giving the benefit of the doubt, OP - note you haven't been back - any MARRIED man whose idea of giving himself a 'birthday treat' is to pay for sex with someone else isn't worth being married to.

user1474816476 · 26/09/2016 12:39

I'm a new user at mumsnet. I came here to look for advice on my marriage and didn't even think of creating a username. Obviously my marriage is in a lot of trouble, never claimed otherwise. But the OP asked for advice, and I am going through the same which does make my point at least glancing at, does it not? I do't know if my marriage will eventually break dow over this, but all I was saying to the OP is that don't do anything rash, and if possble try and talk thing through whatever the outcome. I still don't know what the outcome will be for my mine, but I do know that he hasn't done it again, he is a great father and we have amazing family times with the kids. As a husband and wife we are crap, but I have hopes that maybe eventually we can fix this. i don't know. I promised to be with him for the rest of my life and would really like to..and I'm not religious by the way. if , say, in ten years time we have worked through all this and are happy, surely that is better than divorced and putting our children through it. No idea if we can make it. I'm fed up with it all a lot of the time. Maybe it is denial, maybe low self esteem, maybe fear, or all of them. But I think I'm as well qualified as any other person here to contribute as I'm going it through myself. And I think it's not very nice from all of you to attack someone so eagerly straight away, as if there is only one solution to a problem = yours.

Lweji · 26/09/2016 12:43

The problem here is this:
I do know that he hasn't done it again

How would you?
You didn't know before either.

user1474816476 · 26/09/2016 12:50

Because we talk about it. He actually says he feels relieved to have been caught and doesn't want to go down that route again to cope. Because he calls me whenever he feels the urge to have an 'escape' which is how he explains it. I do believe him since we are very open about it. It's not nice to hear and sit at the other end of the phone, but at least we are talking about it. Can i be 100% sure? Never. But no-one in this world can.