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Relationships

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Original poster

Going on a date with NO money?

174 replies

HerFaceIsAMapOfTheWorld · 24/09/2016 16:01

My friend thinks it is acceptable to go on a date with 0 in my pocket.

I have a new guy in my life and he has invited me out tonight, I literally have 0 in my account until Monday so I declined. Whilst I believe that if a guy invites you out he should pay I wouldn't ever leave the house without money, you just don't know what will happen.

She is telling me I am being stupid and I will lose him if I keep declining dates, its only been twice.

What do you think about this?

OP posts:

CatNip2 · 25/09/2016 19:23

I wouldnt go but if I was keen I would invite him to yours for a meal and make something out of the dregs of my freezer.

ChocolateWombat · 25/09/2016 19:43

With a first date, where it is unclear at the start if anything else will come of it , I don't really get why people go on big expensive nights out. Surely a quick coffee or drink is fine.....in this situation, not a lot of money is involved and if one person pays it all, that's fine, but if both end up paying, that's also fine. The whole issue of someone having forked out shed loads of cash isn't an issue then. Isn't a first date just testing the ground to see if you want to see them again?

You can have a role too in setting the kind of dates that you will go on. They don't have to be big and expensive. What has happened to romantic walks, visits to galleries and the good old cinema?

Perhaps it's just me, but I wouldn't want to go out with someone who had no more imagination than meals in expensive restaurants.....fine once or twice....but there's so much more out there.

Madinche1sea · 25/09/2016 20:08

It wasn't the 1950s, but the 90s when DH and I were dating and I do remember feeling uncomfortable at times that he would insist on paying for everything. If I tried to discuss it, he just kind of ignored the subject to the point where I would feel ridiculous even mentioning it. This went on for 9 months and then we got married anyway. But I would NEVER have gone anywhere without money on me.

What I would say is that in cases where men get offended if you offer to pay, there will of course be other attitudes that may well be revealed in the fullness of time - eg. not expecting wives to work etc. In the worst case scenarios they may have OW shacked up somewhere who they have been totally financially supporting for years ( we know one or two in this category unfortunately).

So take your own money and always at least offer to pay if you can!!

pollymere · 25/09/2016 20:30

When you next have money, get a prepaid credit card you can take with you on dates. I wouldn't go out without a secret fiver and a credit card, even if he'd said he'd pay for everything. Or suggest a date that doesn't cost anything saying it's a bit close to payday! Walk, free museum or event....

Whatsshe0naboutnow · 25/09/2016 20:32

OP you sound fine to me - just don't spend all your money next month!

expatinscotland · 25/09/2016 20:38

'I've heard horror stories from friends about women making a scene when a friend has thought the date went terrible and they didn't feel like paying for he whole date, as well as getting judged. '

Well, more fool them then. This guy tried to make a scene when he realised he was going to have to pay for his expensive meal. It was like water on a duck's back to me. If people judged, I couldn't have cared less - they're not paying my rent and I was probably never going to see them again.

petelacey · 25/09/2016 20:54

You don't need money to walk and talk. So I remember going out with girls and her having money or not was not a subject of discussion. She had money ar she had no money, so what she was out with me and that's all that mattered. If we planned to go somewhere that cost, well If I had money I paid and never have it a moments thought. Going 'dutch' was novel but not necessary. If you like the girl that should be enough.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 25/09/2016 21:25

I do think if he asked you out on 'a date' he should pick up the tab

I hear this viewpoint often, usually from women who also think that the onus is on the man to do the asking out, which is convenient!

BastardGoDarkly · 25/09/2016 21:42

Cabrinah I work for a lady from Belgium and she said you need to be able to show you have enough money on you for food and drink if they stop you and ask. If you haven't though, they'll take you to a homeless centre for food and a bed :)

Op. You're very unreasonable overall.

Deathstarevicki · 25/09/2016 22:41

Tell him you would like to see him but you are tired from work and would prefer a quiet 1 in, watch a movie with wine?

Deathstarevicki · 25/09/2016 22:48

I was also invited out on a picnic once for a blind date once by a local beach. I thought it was lovely. I didnt like him but was completely shocked he took out a tesco value mini version of yakult type biodrink, which he used as a milk container. He was really weird and when it was over he gave me a big hug where i was pretty sure he coped a feel of my boobs. I had recently had a boob job so had lost feeling but i felt pressure and movement. I didnt know what to say as i wasnt sure what he done so i said nothing. Iv never done a blind date since

Youarenotprepared · 25/09/2016 23:51

You wont change my opinion either, I don't understand why people come here with their opinions

Just quietly laughing at this. Surely forum = discussions and discussions = sharing opinions? Or am I doing it wrong?

Anyway I would not suggest anyone go anywhere with literally zero access to any money. It's a safety thing pure and simple.

LadyStoic · 26/09/2016 00:05

'If you go out for dinner with a guy and pay, have sex with him and he does not call you ever again, does it make you feel better that you paid for his dinner to use you?'

The logical inference of the above is that if he had paid for dinner, shagged you - 'used you' (your words) - then buggered off not to be seen again, then that would be ok because he had paid? You do realise the end result of that train of thought right?

Fuck me this is depressing.

LadyStoic · 26/09/2016 00:11

On a tangential note.. Oi TheStoic - get off my parade!!! I've been Stoic with various prefix/suffix for donkeys on here, who d'you think you are you l'il whippersnapper??!

But TY genuinely for the laugh, as this stumbling into 1959 and how cheery it would be to be fucked over fucked as long as I wasn't out of pocket is beyond grim:/

BadToTheBone · 26/09/2016 00:28

I'm 49 and have always gone halves, absolutely hated not paying even when I was a student. I'm fiercely independent and I'm not bastard well giving that up for a bloke I barely know.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 26/09/2016 08:30

No lady I didn't take that ' logical ' meaning from it at all. The OP was saying that it makes absolutely no difference emotionally if the date was paid for by the man or not. She was making the point that there is no emotionally protective element to paying for yourself; it will still hurt if you are used.

Openup41 · 26/09/2016 08:50

I am no longer in the dating game. I expected the man to pay if he asked me on a date. However I never left the house without money. It leaves you in a vulnerable position.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/09/2016 09:29

Open, have you ever asked a man out on a date and paid for it?

TheStoic · 26/09/2016 10:21

On a tangential note.. Oi TheStoic - get off my parade!!! I've been Stoic with various prefix/suffix for donkeys on here, who d'you think you are you l'il whippersnapper

I might be the Stoic, but clearly you're nobility so will always take precedence.

MrsHathaway · 26/09/2016 10:27

LOL that's a very stoic reply in the circumstances.

LadyStoic · 26/09/2016 11:07

Ah, I can but wish TheStoic

Mrs Devere, AnyFucker, now THEY'RE fucking MN nobility - great posts, great advice, no over-use of emojis or long winded shite that gets them flamed

Tis the dream I tell you, the dream...

x2boys · 26/09/2016 16:19

i had a friend who expected men to always pay for her she felt that she might offer to buy one drink of she was feeling generous but otherwise they should pay for the entire night unsurprisingly her relationships never lasted more than a week or two i on the other hand felt that we should go halves regardless of who asked who out ,op i would just say you cant afford it untill payday .

ChocolateWombat · 26/09/2016 18:50

If you're on a date with no intention of it turning into a relationship or going anywhere at all, I guess you are just in it for what you can get out of it....that goes for men or women who have that attitude. If you take that attitude, then I guess avoiding paying might be the attitude taken as well, because the whole thing is basically selfish and about yourself. When men take this attitude, it can also result in them thinking that they are somehow owed sex if they have paid.......it's all selfish and about themselves and what they can get...not about the other person at all.

However, if you are dating hoping that something else will develop from the date, do t you start off thinking that the other person is a human being and deserves some respect? Isn't is respectful to at least be prepared to pay or offer to pay, rather than to EXPECT the other person to pay. To me this is all about attitude and not the actual paying itself. If the other person ends up paying (or if you end up paying yourself) as long as both were genuinely prepared to pay at least their way, it doesn't really matter who did pay.

I would say, that if a proposed date sounds like it is more expensive than you are prepared to pay at least your share of.......don't go! Suggest something else. Being on a date which you can't afford is probably a reason why some people never offer to pay. As with most things, if you can't afford it you can't have it. This applies to early dates. Once and if you get into something more established being open about not being able to afford something and allowing the other person to pay is fine.

Surely this is all about respect. We should aim to treat people right and not take advantage of them.

ChocolateWombat · 26/09/2016 18:52

And I agree that people who are never prepared to pay or to offer genuinely to pay on dates are likely to be those who don't see their relationships last for long.....because who wants to be with a miser or selfish person into the long term, even if they find them immediately attractive.

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