Trying to find our soul-mate. It's dating thread 108

[PrizeyPrize]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

We used to chat aot and have lots of funny banter and miss that.

That's hard Queen. It's the 'not knowing' that gets to me the most.

I kind of do know though but I thought he meant it when he said we would meet again.He has come back beofre and we've met again.

Did he drink? If yes then he's faking. It's completely illegal for starts.
Yes I don't think that sounds right. He's not some private surgeon he's a registrar, who doesn't have his own caseload he works under a consultant. On call is on a rota and the on call surgical registrar would be bleeped to go to any complications unless he's prepped the nurses before hand which would be odd on a weekend anyway. I mean it makes him sound caring and all but also mega important doesn't it?

Yes. Two pints of beer.

it wasnt a weekend, it was a week day evening.

He arrived nervous that he had fucked something up. He said he had operated on someone. he had told them to take the drain out. Then after it had been taken out, the consultant told them not to take the drain out. But he'd already done it......

We were in his flat planning on what to choose for dinner. We'd just been for drinks, he was going to order in or take us to somewhere local that he knew after we'd just had the drinks. His phone kept ringing and ringing and he left it while he talked to me.

But after planning dinner, he suddenly had to go as that patient wasnt doing well and had a leak. His message kept going off too and so I got dumped out at a bus stop while he had to go back in.

Does that honestly never happen?

What else could it have been?

He may have prepped the nurses before hand as it wasnt a weekend and he had just done the operation himself.

That sounds genuine to me, but I'm no expert.

That sounds genuine to me, but I'm no expert.

Me too. My Dr friend didnt raise an eyebrow either but I wouldnt know.

he was discussing with me what for dinner, how I was going to get home from his place that evening, he could drive me, or I could stay over and he could let me out the car on the way to the hospital somewhere convenient. We were discussing all this and would like italian or chinese, blah blah.

Then all of a sudden, I have to go back in after picking his messages up.

Then he discussed all the way back in the car how he'd call me at the weekend and that and he never did.

He drank 2 pints of beer then went back to see a patient?

No one in the NHS is allowed on duty after consuming alcohol

It could be that he planned a date knowing he was on call. Or the hospital he works at has a terrible policy and very short staffed

i feel like I am getting over invested in this situation and it's not really my place. I wouldn't date him and you don't seem ready to let the idea of him go yet. You may well hear from him again but do you really want to Wait around for him feeling sad about why he doesn't contact you more frequently?

He's just some bloke who isn't very considerate of your feelings who on the outside likes to make himself look all genuine but his words don't make sense because he dowsnt want anything serious but also doesn't want to date other people.

He then proceeds to take you on a date and drink booze knowing he probably has to go back to work then drives to a hospital over the legal limit for driving (it's not 2 pints I asssure you) and ditches you at a bus stop and never calls you again

Dear Queen
I think you sound lovely but a bit sad and lonely and I think, as others have said, you need to concentrate on building your social life and making yourself happy. This guy isn't going to. It doesn't really matter if he was off to a patient or not - this is what you can expect. He's making it very clear he doesn't want a relationship that he may come and go as he pleases - big gaps, small gaps, whatever. Maybe there are other women, other things taking up his time. You may be his back burner girl or you might not ever see him again. If you work on making your life a good and happy one then you will meet someone who will stick around and be the icing on the cake. All said with kindness.

Queen I work in a 24/7 medical role and have many friends who do too. I have say none of us would treat anyone like you are being treated. Even if become unavailable due to work I still text to just keep up the contact. His thoughtlessness alone would be a reason why no relationship has lasted more than 6months.
At 38 you are definitely not running out of time I have 6 years on you and don't feel that.

Thank you all for your kindness and for taking the time to post . It really does mean alot to me.

I wasnt bothered about this guy that much either when I met him. He did all the chasing. Driving me miles home and collecting me and seeing me over a whole weekend, saying I was worth it. So it just baffled me a little. I'm just feeling a little low at the moment so my mind wandered back to him.

I have made no effort to contact him whatsoever when he disappears. So it isnt as if I am chasing.

We did genuinely have a good rapport and have similar senses of humour so I just enjoyed his company.

I have to say I think you may be right about him going back to work. He cant surely have gone back in, having had a drink. He even said that his boss had messaged him saying do you know about it. Would they really tell the consultant? I guess if someone is leaking after abdominal surgery, maybe they would.

he did arrive on the date being worried about it having just left work. It surely seems too much of a set up to arrange in advance.

Oh well. I dont know. I just feel quite unwanted at this age.

Afternoon all ... just checking in

Date with the Young One still seems to be going ahead tomorrow still. He's pretty keen so far anyway. A few texts a day, so I'm not fully invested. I've learnt my lesson

When are you seeing Mr Shy again myuser

Queen I am in agreement with others. Move on from this guy, draw a line under it, put yourself back out there again ... and try not to get so invested after 2 dates. Protect your heart

Roo Yes join me in becoming a cougar ...

Is this a standard thing with guys that they are full of promises they have no intention of keeping?

Hi Queen
What Lonecat & Mummydummy said.
Hope you're ok.
This OLD (jumped ship last week as it was doing my head in) has made me think that some guys see us as 'desperate' if we are on a dating site & therefore they can treat us badly. The ghosting & the lies are plain fucking rude & even though we might not be fully invested it still hurts.
The messaging can be exhausting & time consuming enough before even meeting up!
I'm feeling quite this week and reflecting on whether there are any decent single guys on the planet!!!

looby I'm going out on Friday at maybe I'll put my cougar pants on and see what happens. Keep us posted on tomorrow

So I went out with Mr Shy again. Still no action.
I full on gave him a hug
Flirted
Touched his arm
Laughed
Giggled
Flicked my hair

NOW ITS DRIVING ME MAD

I feel like we are more than friends though, and he keeps suggesting things we could together and really thoughtful things as well.

I wonder if he's shy and old fashioned? I dunno. Too confusing but he's still as lovely to spend time with and I feel very relaxed apart from at the goodbye part where I start to gabble like mad and he stands 10 feet away

No not all men make promises they don't keep but some just seem 'too good to be true' because it's fun and exciting to chase and hook a woman and in that moment, they mean it. But the moment passes and they get distracted by something else and forget about it. It's just flakey. And a lot of men who are attractive and have successful careers can get away with being flakey forever because women subconsciously want to be the one who changes them. The one who they fall in love with.

So if you find yourself with a flakey charmer it will be all lovely, ego boosting flattery that doesn't match up to the actions. Just don't get too invested in these types of people unless you are prepared to put in 90% of the effort all the other times for 10% of flattery that feels good for a short while only. I think eventually they find someone who is willing to do that and that's why they can manage a relationship but a lot of the time they will be perpetually single and not quite sure why and no idea what they do wrong because they think they are a lovely guy. A lot of women in their 30's ++ can see straight through this and it gets boring quite quickly so the men just kind of drift along on the winds of wooing new ladies only to lose interest pretty quickly

username. If I was you at the end of the next date I'd say something like "I've had a lovely time and now I'd like you to kiss me goodnight". This forthrightness might be why I'm single though

Morning all. It looks like the date that cancelled last Sunday, might be back on for this Saturday. In the meantime though, thinks have really got quite heated up on the texting side

So, Saturday could be interesting, as I'm not sure I'll be able to look him in the eye. He's certainly we're going to have a laugh. I don't think he's a long term option, but after 20 years in a relationship, my God am I having fun

Morning all,

I will catch up in a minute with everything.

I need some help in writing a reply to mrfridaynight.

He texts during the morning, wanting me to ask him over for coffee. mooseburgers

He is aware I am a single parent and that I am self employed. I work when my kids are at school and I have been really busy this week. house is a shit tip

I text him last night apologising for being quiet explaining I was busy and he replied when I was asleep with 'seems you're always busy'

I feel like replying 'well yes I do have to earn a living, so fuck off with your sarky reply'

Any ideas?

I would reply 'how about we go x or y or z place on X day?' To avoid him coming to yours and if he becomes an arse as he isn't getting the moose burgers you should consider getting shot of him!
Thing is he is making a suggestion that isn't right for you then getting frustrated, so you need to suggest a date time and place that does suit you

topknob
I'd say your reply was perfect

Seriously if the guy can't understand or appreciate that working single parents are going to be busy, then he's in for a world of disappointment.
Less of his petulance and more understanding!

Its hard to tell it's petulant or whether it's just an observation and not meant in a bad way

Ergh and while I'm here - anyone have any ideas about how to respond to this?
I made the mistake of replying Tom someone persistently saying hi and 'why no reply' by saying 'I don't think we'd have a connection, sorry'. And now he's persistently asking why. Other than saying 'you're butt ugly, you can't spell, we have NOTHING in common, and I don't find dogged persistence sexy' what shall I say?? (And yes I know silence and block is an option )

sky

Tell him that he cannot spell, don't mention the ugly bit though ! Then block him.