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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surely I can decide my own bedtime?!

195 replies

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 12:01

Last night, my OH announces that he is going to bed at 10pm. I say goodnight, and I'll be up later. 10pm is too early for me.

5 minutes later I hear 'OLIVEEEEEEEEE bathrooms free'. I ignore him. I don't need the bathroom so why do I care?

A couple of minutes later 'OLIVE ITS BED TIME COME ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING'
Me: 'I'm not tired yet. I'll be up in a bit'
He is quite clearly getting irate about this and has started name calling so I go up to keep him quiet, I think I'll read my kindle in bed.

When I get into bed I apparently took far too long coming upstairs, and I've ruined his early night He then moans at me for using my phone to set the alarm. I didn't even bother using my kindle after that.

So do you think I AIBU? I always assumed that people went to bed when they were ready but perhaps couples do coincide bedtimes and I am being a dick about this? I need your wisdom MN!

OP posts:

PacificOcean · 20/09/2016 22:55

Also, sorry if someone has already picked up on this, but you said that if you dump him no one would believe he's like this. But you also said that he insults you in front of your family. So they must realise, surely, that he's not a nice person?

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 23:11

pacific He does that in front of his family, not mine. He's always been completely lovely to and around my family.

OP posts:

PacificOcean · 20/09/2016 23:15

Oh sorry, my mistake

ptumbi · 21/09/2016 07:35

op - your family are not IN this relationship! So what if they 'don't accept' your reasons for ending it? In all honesty, people might comment on a relationship, but really, truly, they don't expend a lot of thought on it. 12 hours later they will be thinking about Strictly! How many times have you spend more than a few minutes angsting about someone's marriage?

Honestly, who cares? And anyone who thinks 'badly' of you for ending because YOU WANT TO, is no friend.

Ledkr · 21/09/2016 07:50

We mostly go up together but I do get annoyed of I go up for an early night, get ready for bed, have a read, set my alarm and just about to settle down when he comes into the room and starts getting ready, using the bathroom then settles down for a read

Middleoftheroad · 21/09/2016 08:02

I find it odd when couples have to go to bed at the same time. Mind you, we do sleep in separatw rooms in the week as I am.an insomniac. This works as we go to bed when we like.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/09/2016 09:09

Did you choose your own bedtime last night?

heron98 · 21/09/2016 09:16

I get up at 5am for work so like to be in bed for 10. DP doesn't get up til 7 so goes to bed later. I would hate to have to go to bed at the same time.

SaggyNaggy · 21/09/2016 09:28

I've said this a few times on MN now. But I stand by it.

OP, is this man adding to your life or detracting from it?
You should only honour people that make you happy with your friendship and love. If this cockwomble is not making you happy, if life with him is no significantly happier than without him, think about not being with him any more.
Every minute of drama, every insult he hurls, every moody minute he gives, all could be time spent with someone who makes ypou happy.

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 21/09/2016 11:28

runrabbit I did! But last night he went up later so it wasn't really a problem. As I've said before, a lot of evenings we naturally go up at the same time anyway and last night was one of those evenings.

OP posts:

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 21/09/2016 13:56

so, Monday night he was awful, calling you names etc. etc. etc. Tuesday night and he's nice, goes a little later and you're feeling a lot happier, things are calmer, you now have Dr Jekyll back.

So, how long before Mr Hyde makes his appearance? This, as others have said, is classic. Also the point that he only puts you down and insults you in front of his family is telling. They accept this as a matter of course - yours would not (I hope) put up with this. The friend who was in an abusive relationship had exactly the same. He was lovely in front of them (supportive, couldn't treat her better) but once behind closed doors he was truly vile - but by that point she was a wreck and couldn't see it.

Please talk to Women's Aid. And if you are in any doubt about whether people would take this seriously, check out the news sites - several police forces are now running specialist training to spot abusers when they are at the controlling behaviour stage, since the recent change in the law.

All the same I hope things do get better for you.

maras2 · 21/09/2016 14:09

I wouldn't be going to bed with anyone who called me names.We've been together for 48 years and he's never resorted to the vile form of abuse that is name calling and neither have I.Is it possible for you to just ask him face to face ( no texting ) why he feels the need to name call?Point out to him that it's very unpleasant and upsetting (but don't grovel).Also tell him that you will go to bed whenever the hell you want and if he doesn't like it he can do one.Oh,and double up with the contraception.Best of luck.

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 21/09/2016 14:35

argh I'm happier because the evening was drama free but I'm not happier about the situation as a whole.

This has been very eye opening. It's a lot to process but I can process it without drama then that's a good thing imo. I'm tired. Being called a cunt and how useless you are gets quite draining so I will always try to avoid an arguement.

I'm meeting a really close friend at the weekend and the plan is to talk through all of this with her. She knows a tiny bit of this already but not the full details. I've sort of glossed over it. It will be strange discussing it, I'm usually so private. I'm going to show her the thread too. I think talking about it in RL will help me figure things out.

OP posts:

skyyequake · 21/09/2016 14:41

Hey there Olive there have been quite a few threads with people realising that their partners aren't quite what they imagined.

This is my thread

And these are NoCapes threads No. 1 and No. 2

They might be helpful to you to see how this sort of thing might start, and eventually develop. There's also a lot of good practical advice from commenters on each one.

PacificOcean · 21/09/2016 15:02

Talking to your friend is a really good idea. MN can be great but there's no substitute for real life support.

Make sure you don't minimise the situation though. If you find yourself backtracking or leaving bits out, ask yourself why you are doing that.

Good luck!

PS Can I just reiterate that anyone who calls you words like bitch and cunt is a nasty, nasty person.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 21/09/2016 15:56

Good luck olive; hope everything works out well for you. I hope I didn't come across as nasty, I was simply concerned for you and the whole change in his attitude just raised one enormous red flag.

I hope your friend can give you some clarity and support xx

FunnyTummy · 21/09/2016 16:46

I have also had experience of this, but the other way round. my ex used to stay up later than me, which was fine, but then he would fall asleep on the sofa and sometimes not come to bed until 4am. it became a regular thing, and (in my opinion) affected our relationship, as I got sick of lying in an empty bed!

I don't think there's anything wrong with not going to bed together, as long as you are both ok with it! . . I wouldn't ever call him names or force him to come to bed when he wasn't tired! I just didn't like him falling asleep on the sofa every night.

by reading the comments, it looks like its a really common issue!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/09/2016 18:55

It takes two people to have an argument. If one person starts on the name calling then the other person can flounce off. Argument over. If the cunt-caller won't let it lie then you could physically leave the building. If only into the garden or for a walk round the block. You don't have to stand and take it.

JacquettaWoodville · 21/09/2016 19:23

"Being called a cunt and how useless you are gets quite draining so I will always try to avoid an arguement. "

Good god.

This is dreadful, OP.

has he always called you names, just recently escalated how offensive they are.

Nellyphants · 21/09/2016 19:26

I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as a man who called me a cunt, it's just so disrespectful. For what? You not doing his bidding?

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