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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Surely I can decide my own bedtime?!

195 replies

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 12:01

Last night, my OH announces that he is going to bed at 10pm. I say goodnight, and I'll be up later. 10pm is too early for me.

5 minutes later I hear 'OLIVEEEEEEEEE bathrooms free'. I ignore him. I don't need the bathroom so why do I care?

A couple of minutes later 'OLIVE ITS BED TIME COME ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING'
Me: 'I'm not tired yet. I'll be up in a bit'
He is quite clearly getting irate about this and has started name calling so I go up to keep him quiet, I think I'll read my kindle in bed.

When I get into bed I apparently took far too long coming upstairs, and I've ruined his early night He then moans at me for using my phone to set the alarm. I didn't even bother using my kindle after that.

So do you think I AIBU? I always assumed that people went to bed when they were ready but perhaps couples do coincide bedtimes and I am being a dick about this? I need your wisdom MN!

OP posts:

PickAChew · 20/09/2016 16:36

Too bad for them, if they don't believe you. Just as you are a grown up who should be able to determine her own bedtime, you should be able to determine your own love life without the belief, disbelief, approval or other wise of anybody else.

You realise that you don't even need a reason to leave someone? You can decide it's not working for you and walk away.

And it matters not that he'll call you a liar. You know what he is, you know what you are, and that's all that matters.

You know that you don't want to spend your life walking on eggshells. You know that you have more self respect than that. You know that he does not deserve you. And you know that you don't want a nasty abusive man to be the father of your children.

Grumpyoldblonde · 20/09/2016 16:36

If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me. Plus he would 100% call me a liar.

You can leave for any reason you want, you don't need a reason, being unhappy is enough.

TheSparrowhawk · 20/09/2016 16:36

Why would you tell anybody why you left him? How is it any of their business?

Canyouforgiveher · 20/09/2016 16:37

You don't have to tell people anything. Nor do you have to care whether he will call you a liar.

You say "x and I have broken up. Unfortunately it wasn't working out"

If he tells people you are a vindictive lying bitch you simply say "that's the kind of behaviour that meant the relationship wasn't working out". If he continues, spend a few minutes thanking your lucky stars you dodged the bullet of a relationship with him.

And what do you care what other people think of your reasons for splitting up? Seriously? This is your life we are talking about. That "split personality" thing is classic of a shit person. Your relationship is getting worse and will continue to do so because he WANTS to treat you like this - he likes it. Otherwise he'd say "oh god, so sorry, no idea why I was so snappy last night, can you forgive me" but he'll never say anything like that. The most you'll get will be "well sorry I called you a bitch but ...insert reason you deserved to be called a bitch".

Forget him and forget anyone else. What do you think you deserve?

PeppermintPasty · 20/09/2016 16:38

You don't owe him anything, and you only have to please yourself about this. You don't necessarily have to give other people a reason, it just wasn't working out.

I massively massively regret not knocking it on the head sooner, I spent gah, something like 14 years with my ex, and bloody well had children with him (whom he no longer sees, so every cloud...)

Seriously, don't be me, don't waste your time on an arsehole who has no respect for you.

0SometimesIWonder · 20/09/2016 16:40

Oh Olive - you don't need to give people a reason for leaving this a*hole.
You know what ? there is no way on earth I'd stay with a man who showed me such disrespect. I've been married for 44 years and H has never, ever spoken to me like that.
Of course we've had arguments, rows etc. but he has never behaved anything like what you have described.

DoreenLethal · 20/09/2016 16:42

It's like he has a split personality. There's this version of him which is so lovely.

If I had a biscuit for every time I read this on here, when the relationship is totally toxic, I'd have me a biscuit outlet probably able to export.

That's what EVERY abuser does. Pretends to be nice til they think they have you. then it ramps up.

If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me. Plus he would 100% call me a liar.

Who gives a flying fuck what your reasons are? You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you like. You an end a relationship because it just isn't working out, because he wears stripey shirts, because he farts in bed - it is your right to end it whenever you like.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2016 16:45

'If' you did leave him? It's chilling to think of staying with this abusive person. You just tell everyone the relationship is over. 'Why?' 'Lots of reasons, but it hasn't worked out and I'd prefer not to discuss it.'

pugsake · 20/09/2016 16:47

Olive that sounds really shit for you.

You deserve better honest. Seems your walking on eggshells and no one should put up with that

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 16:56

Oh god okay. A lot of you mention abuse. I honestly have never considered this before. This thread has really made me think about everything... (I've got no bloody work done this afternoon )

I had my implant out at the end of last year, things were good and we were talking DC. I had a few months break from hormones, we used condoms. We had a couple of unprotected months in Spring, then decided the time wasn't right for kids and went back to condoms. It was all fine until probably just over a month ago, he started refusing to sleep with me if we had to use condoms, it could only be without.

I found it a bit odd as we'd had no problems for so many months before and after the Spring. This is weird behaviour yes? Could this be a control thing?

I need to do some research tonight, I apparently need educating!

OP posts:

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 16:58

Sorry about the 'if' expat, there's a lot for me to get my head around this evening.

OP posts:

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 20/09/2016 16:59

oh olive when I posted earlier I thought it was a one-off but your responses since have me worried.

The split personality; the name-calling in front of family, wanting to avoid calling him out on it to avoid escalation - this is, no two ways about it - abuse. Currently it is verbal and emotional (not wanting to confront) but you need to get out, NOW, while you don't have DC.

You don't have to tell people why you ended the relationship unless you want to. It is none of their business. I would be looking around this week and making plans. If you have family / good friends close by would you be able to stay with them / they help you get your things out once you have a place to go?

Also, if you have joint finances for anything, get legal advice on how to separate them. I missed whether you are married or not, but whichever, you need to make sure you are protected and you aren't liable for anything.

Good luck

expatinscotland · 20/09/2016 16:59

Olive, please get some contraception NOW. Do not have children with this man. He is ramping up his abuse classically. This is almost textbook. It is a control thing.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 20/09/2016 17:01

yes thats control! he wants you pregnant!

FloraFox · 20/09/2016 17:01

Yes, it's a control thing. If you feel you can't leave someone because of how horrible they'd be if you did leave, that's not the sort of person you should be with and raise kids with.

Maybe you could ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships?

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 20/09/2016 17:03

If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me.

But it wouldn't be for this reason, would it? It would be because of all the underlying issues of which this is only a symptom. Most of all it would be because he has no respect for you or your feelings, otherwise he wouldn't call you those names, especially in front of others.

skyyequake · 20/09/2016 17:07

He sounds a lot like my XP. He would get sulky and grumpy if I wanted to stay up later than him, and also moan if I wanted to go to bed earlier too!

He would also call me names, insult me etc. It got infinitely worse when I became pregnant. Do not get pregnant by this man.

I kicked my XPs ass to the curb today. I stayed for too long.

It's hard to wrap your head around, I've also said that it's like there's two different personalities to XP.

I would let yourself think about it. Maybe keep a journal of his behaviour to see how it piles up when looked at in one go (wish I had done this). Do some googling about abusive behaviours, specifically emotional abuse, and see if any of it rings true.

Be kind to yourself and if you feel the need for support, then you can post in relationships and there will be plenty of people there for you.

It's hard to come to terms with. Especially if you never thought of yourself as the type who would fall for that i don't think anyone does really

ItsJustNotRight · 20/09/2016 17:07

There's a lot of odd bods about. Yesterday there was thread posted by a woman whose partner was telling her what time to poo, wasn't you was it ? Control freaks or what? Don't pander to their demands, it's ridiculous.

Original poster

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 17:15

Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhh!!

expat I actually started the pill on Saturday, which was my decision. I was just wondering if that would explain his odd behaviour.

Flora I messaged them a little earlier asking exactly that as I felt the unexpected direction my thread has taken is probably more suited to relationships. Hopefully they will do it soon

What I don't understand is, we've been together years and LIVING together for 5 years. Yes, we've had disagreements over the years but surely, if you've been under the same roof for that long, you know each other fairly well. How can this weird behaviour just appear? It really has only been the past 6 months max, although I will admit it has ramped up lately.

I feel like you're all going to be pissed at me for asking this, but I can't help it How do I know it's not just a phase? A horrible, weird phase but a still phase that will pass?

OP posts:

Janey50 · 20/09/2016 17:16

I used to get this with my late DM,when I used to stay over. We ended up having quite a big argument about it. She would start getting ready to turn in at about 10pm,and if I didn't do the same,she would get quite narky with me. I couldn't seem to get through to her that I did not need to be in bed asleep by 11pm if I didn't need to be up until 9am the next day. She was usually up at 7am,to go to her various clubs and meeting friends,and took for ever to get ready!

MNHQ

KatherineMumsnet · 20/09/2016 17:20

Hi all, we're just moving this over to Relationships at the OP's request.

HerOtherHalf · 20/09/2016 17:21

"If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me. Plus he would 100% call me a liar."

Why is this relevant in your decision making? You shouldn't stay with someone or leave someone because of what other people might think. You should do what is best and healthiest for you.

The last bit about him calling you a liar is quite telling I reckon. A lot of people think that most domestic abusers are Machiavellian villains who have consciously developed highly sophisticated strategies for entrapping and wearing down their victims. I see it as quite the opposite. Most if not all of their tactics are used by children and we all saw them in use as far back as primary school - name calling and insults to lower self-esteem, huffing, threats, social isolation, deflecting blame back on the victim, encouraging others to gang up, spreading rumours, using fear to control, being nice when they realise they may have pushed too far etc etc.

I reckon most abusers have just failed to develop emotionally and socially. That's not in any way meant to trivialize the harm they do BTW, far from it. I also think they don't consciously seek out suitable victims as such. More likely, because of their lack of social/emotional maturity they are intimidated by confident, self-assured individuals and attracted instead to more vulnerable people.

As long as you are more concerned about the lies he might tell, or what others might think, over your own happiness you remain at risk of being a victim. Stand up for your self please and if other people don't like it tell them to get off the fecking bus!

Buunychops · 20/09/2016 17:21

If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me. Plus he would 100% call me a liar.

Does it matter? And to be honest if he did say to me Oh she's a liar etc, I'd ask why if she was this horrible person did he want to with her?? (that always throws them)

At the end of it all you don't have to have a big reason to break up being unhappy is a very important reason, and you don't have to justify to anyone why you've split.

Saying that, in your case he does sound like a controlling prick who is now trying to ramp up the control.

skyyequake · 20/09/2016 17:21

sometimes abuse comes out only after a big lifestyle change. It could be moving in together, marriage, pregnancy, baby being born, etc. Do you think it's possible that it coincided with your decision to TTC?

I know how it feels to think that it'll all go away, and you'll get the man you loved back. But sometimes they're just very good at hiding that side of themselves until they think they've got you in a position that you won't leave...

ijustwannadance · 20/09/2016 17:28

Leave. He won't stop and the more you turn a blind eye or give in to him to keep the peace the worse it will get. Slowly, bit by bit so it's less noticeable.

You know deep down it's not right. It has nothing to do with anyone else why you split up.

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