Surely I can decide my own bedtime?!

[OliveOrTwist]

Last night, my OH announces that he is going to bed at 10pm. I say goodnight, and I'll be up later. 10pm is too early for me.

5 minutes later I hear 'OLIVEEEEEEEEE bathrooms free'. I ignore him. I don't need the bathroom so why do I care?

A couple of minutes later 'OLIVE ITS BED TIME COME ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING'
Me: 'I'm not tired yet. I'll be up in a bit'
He is quite clearly getting irate about this and has started name calling so I go up to keep him quiet, I think I'll read my kindle in bed.

When I get into bed I apparently took far too long coming upstairs, and I've ruined his early night He then moans at me for using my phone to set the alarm. I didn't even bother using my kindle after that.

So do you think I AIBU? I always assumed that people went to bed when they were ready but perhaps couples do coincide bedtimes and I am being a dick about this? I need your wisdom MN!

We go to bed together about 90% of the time, probably more. We don't tell each other its time for bed, but we do usually discuss whether 'we' should head to bed. I like spending that time together at the very end of the day, getting in to bed together, snuggling, chatting (not sex because I don't believe that should be a 'bed time routine activity').

If you usually go to bed at the same time I can see why he'd be a bit miffed, but otherwise I think he's being silly. Do you normally go to bed together?

IMO there is no such thing as 'bedtime' for an adult. There is 'the time when I feel like going to bed', period.

I think he's BVVU. My only caveat would be if you're noisy getting ready for bed or tend to 'flop' onto the mattress. (DH does this).

My relationship wouldn't have lasted very long if either of us decided we had to share bedtimes! That's a bit strange tbh.

YANBU - just make sure you don't switch lights on/off or stub your toe on the bed when you eventually get there!

My husband and I hardly ever go to bed at the same time, he needs much less sleep than me. Unless you are crashing around, putting lights on and making a giant song and dance about getting ready for bed then he is BVU. Especially as he resorted to name calling, what an arse.

If I go upstairs whilst he is in the shower and get ready for bed then get out a book he will TURN THE LIFHT OFF WHIKST I AM STILL READING as its bedtime and he needs to get up early!

For goodness sake, get your own bedside lamp. Or else something like a Kindle with a backlight.

Whoever said it's selfish to want to read in bed, don't be silly. Lots of people need to do something like this to help wind down.

YANBU, my DP also gets arsey if I go to bed too long after he has, he acts as though I'm a kid who's broken curfew!

Wow, I did not expect so many responses. Seems IANBU so that's good to know. I was genuinely doubting myself a little this morning.

I am very quiet when I go up and conscious of not disturbing him. In fact, it's probably less disturbing for him as I go straight to sleep, rather than tossing and turning when I go to bed if I'm not ready. It's not even as if he has to get up at the crack of dawn or anything. I am always up before him, his lazy ass is often still in bed when I leave the house at 8.30am. I just function better off less sleep than him.

Yes he called me names. He said I live my life like a 'dosser', sitting up until all hours (I usually go to bed about midnight of my own accord), he called me a selfish bitch.

This is the second time in a week he's told me it's bed time and yes, he did actually say it was bedtime both times. I hope this isn't going to become a regular thing. It's really quite irritating.

I'm also pretty sure it wasn't because he was hoping for some action. He's usually good at getting that across. To be honest, he does seem to be behaving like a bit of a dick lately but that's a whole other thread.

To whoever asked about children, no we don't have any.

My XH used to walk into the room I was in, turn out the light shout 'bedtime' and walk off to bed. Even if I was sitting in the living room reading a book or watching TV. He even did it to my Mum once when she was staying with us, she asked me if he was mad

One of the long list of reasons why he is now an XH (not being able to stop shagging other women being another )

He said I live my life like a 'dosser', sitting up until all hours (I usually go to bed about midnight of my own accord), he called me a selfish bitch.

Why would you put up with someone speaking to you like this? I would have told him in no uncertain terms not to ever dream of speaking to me like that again, walked out and slept elsewhere. Right, now I wouldn't be musing on whether adults can decide their own bedtimes, but rather whether I deserve better in my life than a rude ass like him.

wow, he sounds like someone to get rid of.

We have separate bedtimes, and now that we have a super king size bed with two single mattresses he doesn't even wake me up when he comes up. Bliss. If he knows he is going to snore [after the footie or a night out] he automatically goes into the spare room. Double bliss.

If I called him a dosser or selfish or he called me lazy or a lightweight I can't see us carrying on to be honest. Sleep is very important to me.

This is hilarious!!

I sometimes get, "cummon Dino, you know you're knackered... Do you need a crane to get off the sofa?" (pregnant) but never been told "bedtime"

We're grown ups (allegedly!)
He also works shifts so sometimes he goes to bed waaaaaay before I do and vice versa. He also needs more sleep than I do (pre pregnancy!) so I regularly go to work at 8 and leave him asleep but I'm sparko when he comes home in the middle of the night.

If I was told "bedtime" or any of that shit with a degree of "I'm being serious" I would not be kind in my response.
My mum tried it when I was living at in my early 20's and I told her to stop projecting her tiredness onto me. I worked out that's what it usually is. Exhausted people assuming everyone else must be too.

I should probably confirm that I don't go to bed separately every night. We quite often just naturally go up together.

When I do go up later, all of my make up remover/products are in the bathroom. I get undressed in the bathroom. Then I slip into the bedroom and straight to bed using only my phone for light so as not to wake him.

creative Can I confirm that I don’t stay up late watching porn

catsandgin I’m sorry you had an awful night last night. That’s why I went to bed like a meek little mouse. Didn’t want to risk peeing him off to the point of an argument. Erm, I’m not sure if he’s controlling. I don’t think he is but then again, is the bedtime thing controlling? I just thought it was dickish…

sissyspace Hahaha maybe!

Lorelei We’ve been living together for 5 years.

paranormalish I am definitely not a teenager. Perhaps I should have used a better title but I can confirm I am in my mid-late twenties

Point out that making someone go to bed before they're ready is what's selfish. And that calling someone names is the action of a total loser.

canyouforgive Sadly atm, being called a dosser and a bitch is pretty tame. When I say 'he's being a bit of a dick lately', most of that is him calling me names and slagging me off unreasonably IMO He does it to my face which is one thing but he's done it a couple of times in conversations his family whilst I'm sat right there, which is mortifying

So this is something relatively new? How long have you been together?

If it's a newish relationship then it could be that this is just what he expects for any couple based on what he's seen or done in the past. That he's decided you've had long enough to 'get with the program' and it's time to tell you the way it 'should' be. You need to let him know that this is not the way your relationship is going to work.

If you've been together for some time (long enough for habits/routines to be established), then is this something new for you? Do you think there's any possibility that he thinks you're 'up to something' when you're sitting up by yourself? I know that's pretty far-fetched, just throwing it out there.

DH and I used to go to bed around the same time during our working years and when the kids were young simply because of the routine of 'family days'. But now that we've retired (and I can sleep in) I've discovered that I like to go to bed much later than he does. It's not a problem. He gets up much earlier than me, should I demand that he stay in bed until I'm ready to get up . Of course not!

'Didn’t want to risk peeing him off to the point of an argument. Erm, I’m not sure if he’s controlling. I don’t think he is but then again, is the bedtime thing controlling? I just thought it was dickish… '

Yeah, he's a controlling cock. You're behaving in a way you don't want to to avoid making him angry. That's indicative of his being a controlling dickhead. You're walking on eggshells round him.

He called you a selfish bitch?

Sorry, but I'd ditch anyone who called me names like this.

Whooops!! I was supposed to say I can confirm I don't stay up watching porn! I, 100% do not stay up watching porn

'Sadly atm, being called a dosser and a bitch is pretty tame. When I say 'he's being a bit of a dick lately', most of that is him calling me names and slagging me off unreasonably IMO He does it to my face which is one thing but he's done it a couple of times in conversations his family whilst I'm sat right there, which is mortifying blush'

Olive, this is abusive behaviour. He's not being a 'bit of a dick', he's being an abusive wanker. This is him stepping up the abuse now he's got you where he wants you.

You need to leave. Is that possible for you?

X-post. I see you've been together 5 years.

You're further posts tell me that you need to seriously re-think your relationship. Bossing you around, name calling, slagging you to others isn't indicative of a healthy, happy relationship.

I'd suggest you seriously think about what you're getting out of this relationship. Do it now, before you marry, buy property together, or have children.

canyouforgive Sadly atm, being called a dosser and a bitch is pretty tame. When I say 'he's being a bit of a dick lately', most of that is him calling me names and slagging me off unreasonably IMO He does it to my face which is one thing but he's done it a couple of times in conversations his family whilst I'm sat right there, which is mortifying blush

Olive, the next time he does that - especially if it is front of other people, get up, look him in the eye, and say in your steeliest, coldest tone "how dare you speak about me like that!" and walk out (and maybe keep walking - I know I would).

People take you at your own valuation.

Oh, and he does this in front of the his family and they don't pull him up on it? That shows that he's learned to be an abusive wanker from them. This is escalating already. He's abusive, Olive.

Sounds like he was after a shag and was a bit too subtle, he's a big boy tell him to use his words

YABU for still being with this prick. It's not normal you know to have some one treat you like this.

I wouldn't have gone in a thrown a bucket of water over the dickhead.

The next time he calls you a nasty name why do t you respond with 'why don't you shut the fuck up you ugly mother fucker'.

What do you think he would do if you did that?

I think you need to get a place of your own and end this to be honest. If this is the tip of the iceberg and the name calling is worse than that, you don't need that shit in your life.

Don't be meek. Be strong. Be decisive.