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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surely I can decide my own bedtime?!

195 replies

OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 12:01

Last night, my OH announces that he is going to bed at 10pm. I say goodnight, and I'll be up later. 10pm is too early for me.

5 minutes later I hear 'OLIVEEEEEEEEE bathrooms free'. I ignore him. I don't need the bathroom so why do I care?

A couple of minutes later 'OLIVE ITS BED TIME COME ON WHAT ARE YOU DOING'
Me: 'I'm not tired yet. I'll be up in a bit'
He is quite clearly getting irate about this and has started name calling so I go up to keep him quiet, I think I'll read my kindle in bed.

When I get into bed I apparently took far too long coming upstairs, and I've ruined his early night Confused He then moans at me for using my phone to set the alarm. I didn't even bother using my kindle after that.

So do you think I AIBU? I always assumed that people went to bed when they were ready but perhaps couples do coincide bedtimes and I am being a dick about this? I need your wisdom MN! Smile

OP posts:
FloraFox · 20/09/2016 15:26

If he behaves this way now, he will be ten times worse after you have children and can't easily leave him. Run for the hills. Don't look back.

FloraFox · 20/09/2016 15:26

If he behaves this way now, he will be ten times worse after you have children and can't easily leave him. Run for the hills. Don't look back.

Original poster
OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 15:29

Nina If i'm feeling defensive, I have been known to respond to his nasty names with something similar to your suggestion. It always escalates and he becomes more insulting. I can't always be bothered with an argument (who can?) so sometimes, like last night, I ignore or go along with it.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 20/09/2016 15:29

so why stay with him?

Koan · 20/09/2016 15:33

We had that at one time. I was more the night owl, enjoying the quiet of the house downstairs. DH complained he found it unsettling, partly waiting for me in a way.

YANBU OP! Nip it in the bud. I remember the absolute one thing I most couldn't wait to be an adult for - was to be able to go to bed when I wanted. Deff not something I'd relinquish.

Blueskyrain · 20/09/2016 15:37

The name calling is absolutely not on, and neither is this patronising 'its bedtime' malarkey.

Saying that, if my husband started frequently coming to bed at a different time to me, then I would be quite upset about it. I really value us going to bed at the same time, and think it helps with imtimacy a lot.

Koan · 20/09/2016 15:38

Xpost wrt to comments on the name-calling, agree this is really not ok

PeppermintPasty · 20/09/2016 15:48

Olive, you sound pretty cool, he sounds like a fuckwit. Anyone who regularly called me names and bossed me around wouldn't see me for dust.

Has he always been an abusive prick?

ChuffMuffin · 20/09/2016 15:48

So your OH:-

tells you when to go to bed;
calls you a dosser and a lazy bitch when you don't;
insults you in conversation with his family in front of you ; and
if you dare to respond to him his verbal abuse escalates

He is trying to control you and is verbally abusive when you don't submit to him. He has no respect for you whatsoever. Relationships shouldn't be like this. :(

Original poster
OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 15:54

Lorelei because he can also be caring, sweet, funny and lovely.

It's like he has a split personality. There's this version of him which is so lovely. But then there's this version of him which isn't always very nice. It's confusing. I always thought that everyone had down days and did things they weren't proud of, but from reading the replies, I'm now starting to think I might have turned a blind eye to too much.

Anyway, the thread has kind of got derailed by my woes so I apologise for that. I really was just wondering if WIBU. Thanks for your replies, sorry if I've not answered anyone's questions. I've tried my best - im at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 16:00

peppermint Nope, definitely not. This nastiness is a fairly recent thing.

Yeah, that does pretty much sum it up chuff

I know I'm coming across as a right pushover and you probably won't believe me but at work and in other areas of my life, I don't take any shit off anyone and I'm pretty proud of it. I'm not entirely sure how I let this slide at home Confused

OP posts:
toptoe · 20/09/2016 16:03

He calls you names to lower your esteem so you are easier to control. he does it infront of others so that they get conditioned to think you are a whatever shitty name he calls you. He wants to normalise what he is doing so you are easier to control.

Is this your lightbulb moment?

I wonder if you think it's normal to call someone names in a relationship or if he has gradually upped the anti to exert more control. The more you fight against an abuser, the more abusive they get because they have to move up a notch or two to get you to do whatever they want you to do.

ThatStewie · 20/09/2016 16:04

This is classic abusive behaviour, including the ramping up of the insults and control.

Please leave before you get trapped with children and have to spend the next 20 years trying to 'manage' his behaviour to protect your children.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2016 16:04

'It's like he has a split personality. There's this version of him which is so lovely. But then there's this version of him which isn't always very nice. It's confusing. I always thought that everyone had down days and did things they weren't proud of, but from reading the replies, I'm now starting to think I might have turned a blind eye to too much. '

This is very classic of abusers. It's why so many people don't leave, because it's all so insidious. And they ramp it up over time, just as he's doing.

But he's abusive, Olive. Make no mistake. He's abusive.

Creativemode · 20/09/2016 16:06

It doesn't sound very good olive.

Does he react in a similar way over anything else?

toptoe · 20/09/2016 16:06

x post

I don't think split personality is a good way to look at it, rather a development of control tactics. He possibly used other tactics before.

Something may have changed. My ex got more abusive when he started an affair. Or when he lost a job and had to get more money out of me for his drink habit. Both times he needed to control me more so got more abusive. Also, I believe he was more stressed and so the two naturally went together eg shorter fuse, higher needs, more abuse.

PickAChew · 20/09/2016 16:08

I went to bed about 2 hours after DH, last night. He was tired, I was wired. By the time I went up, he was flat out and I read my kindle for all of 5 minutes before dozing off, myself. Had i gone up at 10, with DH, I'd probably have read for an hour, then needed to get up to go the loo, then read for another half hour then tossed and turned for another half hour until I did get to sleep - and would probably have disturbed DH, in the process.

Your DH was being churlish.

PeppermintPasty · 20/09/2016 16:09

I'm the same, people think I'm a hard nut and very confident (I'm certainly the latter) at work, but I was in a very poor abusive relationship for years. He didn't call me names, except in a (mutually) blazing row, but he was emotionally and physically abusive. It started small you know, like drip drip drip, and then it was normalised over time. I knew it was not on, but I would tell myself tomorrow was another day etc etc.
Something to look at maybe? You don't need this sort of crap from someone who's supposed to care about you.

toptoe · 20/09/2016 16:12

Basically, people who like to control others will use different methods to do it. But the thought process behind it is the same: I am the only person of importance, everyone else is here to make me happy. If you don't make them happy, they give you shit until you back down and do whatever it is they want.

PickAChew · 20/09/2016 16:22

canyouforgive Sadly atm, being called a dosser and a bitch is pretty tame. When I say 'he's being a bit of a dick lately', most of that is him calling me names and slagging me off unreasonably IMO He does it to my face which is one thing but he's done it a couple of times in conversations his family whilst I'm sat right there, which is mortifying blush

So glad you don't have children.

Bin the abusive wankstain, while it's easy.

pictish · 20/09/2016 16:26

Oh OP...it's not on, not on at all.

Original poster
OliveOrTwist · 20/09/2016 16:29

If I did leave him and I told people this was the reason why. I don't think they would ever believe me. Plus he would 100% call me a liar.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/09/2016 16:32

Do it before you have kids to the horrible fucker.

Yourarejokingme · 20/09/2016 16:34

Nice girls can say no too over abusive behaviours.
It's is the drip drip drip and insidious behaviour that gets you every time sadly and done over a period of time so it's normal to you and you really don't see the red flags till it's too late.
The bedtime isn't the issue the controlling behaviour is.
Do not allow him to talk to you like a piece of shit in front of his family again. Do not cow down to him for a quiet life. If he screams and shouts do not engage and walk away far away.

Soubriquet · 20/09/2016 16:35

You don't need to say that was the reason

"We wasn't right together" is enough

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