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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

993 replies

NoCapes · 18/09/2016 13:17

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

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11
queendrama · 14/10/2016 21:16

I hope everything's okay xx

skyyequake · 15/10/2016 10:43

Thinking of you Capes Flowers Chocolate

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 16:39

Hi everyone
Sorry I've not been around, there hasn't been a lot to report on the situation really

Today we should be at a wedding together, he's gone alone and is texting and calling saying how much he misses me and wishes I was there etc
I know it's only because it'll be full of couples and he's feeling a bit left out
But - Sad

When will it stop upsetting me and just start annoying me? - I'm very very looking forward to that bit!

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skyyequake · 15/10/2016 16:54

It's his fault that he's not in a couple! There will probably be some unhappy couples at this wedding, but think about the truly happy ones... Do you think their relationships will be anything like what you and twatface had?

I hate it when they pull the sympathy card it is such a low blow, and really it's another way of putting the blame on us for them being upset. They're only upset because now they have to look after themselves! Of course he's missing your affection, and your compliance, and your cooking and cleaning and all the other shit you did for him. Of course he misses being with you, being with you was great for him! It was only lousy for you because you got nothing back! Do you miss the late nights, the strippers, the staying in bed all day, the disrespectful attitude, the lousy father, the sexual entitlement?

I've skipped straight to annoyance... But I guess going NC with my 'D'M made me good at emotional detachment! Out of sight, out of mind... He's just words on a screen!

My advice is to stop picking up his phone calls and replying to his texts. Mine keeps saying that we should be civil for DD, but in my mind civil doesn't mean being bestest buddies. I certainly wouldn't treat any friend of mine like that, and I'd get rid of any friend who did.

I also told mine though it fell on deaf ears apparently that at the moment everything is still very fresh, and I will be better at being "pleasant" as time goes on, which is true.

But please stop torturing yourself by interacting with him when you don't have to! You don't feel detached because you haven't detached yourself... Fake it till you make it!

Flowers Chocolate Cake it's tough Capes but you'll get there

Mix56 · 15/10/2016 16:55

Capes. He is doing a number on you. stop reading his texts.
there is nothing he is saying you need to hear. When he was living with you; he was always out, he didn't miss you then. Tosser

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 17:03

I'm sorry he's making it so hard for you, it's really not fair of him. It will take time, but until then can you put your phone on silent and blank his texts? Whatever you need to do to get through this for your own sake is fine.

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 17:03

I have, I told him before I posted here to stop texting me now and he has to be fair

I did say to him that if he hadn't treated me the way he did that I would've been there, and I'm not sure what more he expects me to say
Exactly mix didn't miss me when he was getting lap dances did he? But now he's somewhere where he would've wanted me to perform and be chatting to everyone looking like the perfect girlfriend all of a sudden he "misses" me - no pal, you just need me to make you look good!

...The thought of him sat there with an empty seat next to him does make me sad going I'm not going to lie to you

I thought I had detached myself but clearly I haven't, it only takes one word from him and I'm down again - sky you're so bloody strong I wish I was more like you

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Lynnm63 · 15/10/2016 17:10

You are strong, don't forget it was your example that encouraged sky to dump her XP. I think I'd have been tempted to ask him if none of the strippers could make it as his plus one but you seem to be much more measured in your dealings with him than I.
I take it the happy couple were his friends not yours otherwise he should have missed the wedding.

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 17:11

Don't beat yourself up Capes you've been through so much and have come out of it with your head held high. It's still early days, he knows which buttons to press (because he made them!) and is using that to hurt you. You're right, he's only feeling shit because he has to explain to everyone why he's on his own and it's probably making him think about why! I hope it is!

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 17:13

And I agree with Lynn, Skyye herself described finding the strength to get rid of her P as "doing a Capes",

skyyequake · 15/10/2016 17:31

Exactly as Lynn and aye said, I'm just following your lead! I distinctly remember one or two days in thinking "I wish I was as strong as Capes!"

We all have our down days, I just take extra care not to reply to anything when I'm feeling vulnerable. But I cry sometimes, look wistfully to the other side of the bed some nights, feel my heart sink when I see something related to what we both like and think "oh I must tell DP!" only to remember that he's XP now...

But then I think of all the times I've danced around the living room finally feeling free, sprawled on the bed without worrying about getting felt up or accused of not being affectionate enough, and all the old interests I've started getting back into, watching what I want on TV for once, getting excited about my interests without being told I'm stupid, childish, pathetic, sad, etc.

The good feelings far outweigh the bad IMO. I hold out hope for finding someone better in the future, and that keeps me happy just being me and DD for now. My life doesn't end with my XP, and your life doesn't end with yours.

You were with your XP for a lot longer than I was Capes, it would only make sense that it will take you longer to unravel from him. He's had longer to get inside your head!

It was you who gave me the strength to leave XP, I could easily still be subjecting myself to that for many years, still giving him chances and believing he'd change. So thank you Capes for being so strong! Flowers

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 17:32

Skyye and Capes you're both awesome!

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 18:10

Yes Lynn they were his friends first

You're all too lovely Blush I do not feel strong at all tonight
Hope he doesn't drunk dial me later he won't he'll probably pull

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Mix56 · 15/10/2016 18:21

Block his number, or put on silent... You do not need to respond, & you do not want him showing up drunk when you are feeling sad.
You are right, if there was some Totty to pull he wouldn't be calling.
Stop being his second choice. Just NO

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 18:22

Yeah I'd put your phone on silent tonight, especially as you're feeling so crappy, it might be the best defence mechanism.

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 18:23

Oh and we're all here for a big old handhold if you're wobbling Flowers

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 19:10

I definitely won't be answering any more calls and texts from him tonight, I've already had 2 more texts Hmm

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NoCapes · 15/10/2016 19:10

Thankyou aye Smile

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ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 19:12

Oh dear is he drunk already? I'm sorry you've had such a shit day Capes, I wish he'd just let you be so you can move on without feeling this way.

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 19:18

I don't think he's drunk yet, he's text to tell me the dessert is my fave (?!) and then again telling me that seeing my name on my place setting made him sad

I wish he would too aye but he likes to keep me on the back burner while he's out dicking anyone that looks at him twice, he gives me little compliments here and there to keep me sweet, then on a slow night it doesn't take much to worm back into my nice comfortable familiar vagina bed
I'm sure that's what he thinks he's doing here
He's making it hard to let go for sure, but he's not making me want him to come back, I won't let him make me want that this time

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ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 19:22

Well done Capes I know it's not easy. What an absolute twat! More like seeing your name on the place setting is making him realise what a massive twat he is, because if he'd treated you halfway decently you'd still be together! The dessert one is just weird Hmm and he's still disrespecting you because you asked him not to text. Prick.

CiaoVerona · 15/10/2016 19:54

Hes a highly manipulative individual he knows exactly what buttons to press with you.
I second the blocking you need to change how you deal with him as in have no contact other then about the kids or stuff hes responsible for.

RandomMess · 15/10/2016 20:01

Bet if you texted him "Fancy a shag" he'd be around like a shot, that's all he's after - a guaranteed shag at the end of night in case he doesn't pull!

NoCapes · 15/10/2016 20:21

He is very manipulative, and it makes me so annoyed at myself because I can see it, but I can't stop it affecting me

Random I'm sure he would ... As long as there was no-one there willing to go home with him, naturally

Haven't heard from him again, the party must be in full swing now and all his mates will have turned up, he won't think about me again I'm sure

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ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 20:22

You know that says more about him than about you though Capes, that he could be so cruel is staggering. You deserve better!

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