NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

If not the police then at least your mum? This is too much to hold on your own.
I'm sorry this has happened to you capes. How are you feeling now?

Didn't want to read and run Capes unfortunately I think you might be right about the police... It's a shit system. I cant imagine what you're going through, I cried when I read what he did. I've spoken to aye and she says that she will try and reregister later on for a bit, but you're welcome to contact her anytime, I don't know if she sent you a PM with her email or not... Please tell your mum at least, you shouldn't feel ashamed even if the justice system is shit, you shouldn't go through this alone.

I'll be honest I'm a bit lost for words, but I'm thinking of you and yy to never ever ever letting him in your house again.

No no-one would've heard anything

He pulled out and came on my chest (sorry that was probably tmi) but yes I will go and get the MAP later anyway

Oh sky thankyou

I feel normal tbh nige got all the kids here so just getting on with morning things, but I really do feel fine

I'll think about my Mum, I just don't even know how I would bring that up though

Just seen this. Am bathing s poorly child and don't have my glasses on sorry for typos!
My God Capes he is a nasty piece of work. I understand you don't want to go to the Police but don't let it be because of the CE case. The police & The CPS did take it seriously.
I want to come round, wrap you up in a blanket and feed you hot chocolate. Will you tell your mum now? You need someone who knows. Someone who will understand your reaction to him now. Why he can't come in your house.

I'm here Capes it's aye with a new name. How are you today? I'm so sorry that he did that to you, what an absolute bastard! Are you and the kids safe just now? Xxx

If you're absolutely against going to the police then at the very least I think you should tell your mum.
You need people around you who know what he's up to and to be totally on your side. I bet your mum would agree to handover/take back the children from him.

This creature mustn't ever be given the opportunity to rape and abuse you ever again.

Giddy yes I'd like you to do that too

Oh aye bless you, reregistering for me! I realise I got a bit Carrie Bradshaw last night saying I needed everyone haha
Yes we're safe, we're all in pj's watching cartoons, and that is how I plan to spend most of the day
I haven't heard anything from him
But he's meant to be having the kids tomorrow while I go on this bloody spa thing, I might ask him to cancel it though, can't imagine really being into it now

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think him having the kids or doing pick up and drop of at yours is a good idea. He's already proven that there are no depths he won't sink to, he needs to stay away from you. Is there a contact centre nearby? Or someone who can do pick up and drop offs?
You didn't get all Carrie Bradshaw (nice analogy though, I love her!) you needed us and we're here, always.
I RTFT back too, it's not because you kissed him back, it's not because you did anything. It's because he's a rapist. I don't throw that word around, and I don't use it lightly, but that's what he is. How dare he? And to say happy birthday afterwards is just cruel.

I'm glad you came on here asking for help and I'm glad I was awake. Please look after yourself and please tell your Mum and make sure he doesn't come near your house.

I've no idea about contact centres or anything, I do need to rethink our contact arrangements but I'm not sure the best way to do it really, I don't want him to be able to say I'm making it difficult for him to see the kids or that I'm being awkward
We already know he's going to tell me I'm overreacting, so don't want him to be able to accuse me of anything else

Thankyou Lynn

He'll say whatever he needs to to justify his vile actions, he can say what he likes, but if you're allowing contact with the kids he doesn't have a leg to stand on. It doesn't have to be in your house, you don't have to be there and see him. You matter more than you realise Capes, what he did is so wrong I can't find words to describe it. He will attempt to minimise and to make you think it wasn't rape. What matters most is you and your children. That you are safe, that you're protected from him and his insidious actions/words.
Look after yourself too, you do matter, and you are important.

I don't think you should be that bothered about him feeling you are making it difficult for him to see the kids. His reaction doesn't need to be the priority for you anymore capes-and tbh you lose the right to be upset when you assault another person.
Sorry if that's sounds harsh-but you need to think about yourself and the kids first-and him-not at all.
You just say to your mum-'something really awful happened last night...'
Lots of love to you capes-we are all here if you need us.

Capes, I am a Police officer and I believe you. You WOULD be taken seriously. It WOULD be investigated. It MAY go to court. What would happen thereafter I can't say.

But if it doesn't go anywhere due to lack of evidence, which is a possibility, there are other benefits to involving the police now. Firstly it brings him to our attention. Of all the nonsensical 'call 101 and log it' posts I see on here, this is one we actually do need to be aware of. Who knows what may happen in the future? Intelligence gathering needs to start somewhere.

Secondly the police will refer you to their Domestic Abuse team and social services who can assist you with the day to day issues, like child contact arrangements.

Thirdly, if unable to get a charge authorised by CPS, the police can look to issue a DVPN which is a 28 day court order with conditions for him not to contact you. This is designed for victims of DA who cannot at that point be supported by a prosecution of the suspect for one reason or another, and it is specifically to give them space to breathe, to collect their thoughts, and explore their options to break away with the help of the Domestic Abuse support team.

If after everything above you still decide not to report, I understand. But do one thing please.

Get an emergency appointment with your GP. Tell them what happened. Ask for the morning after pill. Ask them for support.

That way you will get practical help with the situation in a way you are more comfortable with. And should anything else happen in the future, then there is an official record of this incident that you can tell us about.

My dh regularly asks how you and sky are doing. I told him of the development and he feels, as a man, you have to report. I played devils advocate and explained why you wouldn't ie it would upset the kids etc he was adamant you should report. Even if they don't prosecute at least he'd have a shitty day at the police station and a couple of months wondering if they'd prosecute.
You need a GP appt for the morning after pill at least. The last thing you need is an unwanted pregnancy.

Florene that's a good post.
From the other side I've been supporting a friend through something that has required the Domestic Violence Unit and that are being very lovely and kind. And they know it might not go as far as court, let alone a conviction but they are trying. Things have changed at the frontline.

I'll agree that the domestic violence unit are a great support, sadly I didn't get a conviction for assault but they were great and made me feel safe in my own home again.

Fantastic advice Florene. Capes he has no rights to touch you, please do report it. It will help later on if he starts being difficult over child contact etc. The police DV unit helped me enormously but I didn't tell them about the sexual abuse. I did tell the sw but I wish I'd made it more formal as I am now battling for my eldest in the courts (he's not interested in the other 2). The truth about these type of men needs to be out there. Protect yourself. If you are not safe, your DC are not safe. Get mumma capes round and have a big hug. You're amazing & don't forget it.

Even if it can't go to court, it is important to make it clear to him that what he did to you was rape.
Not "playing hard to get", not "a bit of rough", not "too drunk to say yes". It was rape. You said no. Repeatedly.

Even the threat of prosecution should scare him enough to keep away

Thankyou Florene I had no idea how these things worked so that was very helpful

I've just got back from the pharmacy, got the MAP, with 3 kids in tow - that was fun now have my pj bottoms back on and I've locked the front door, I'm going into hibernation

Had a missed call from him before, I didn't answer, no idea what he could think there is to say

Do you think I should send a text? So I have it there in black and white if I change my mind about the police?

Such good advice from Florene. He should at least have a visit from the police to scare his horrible ass.
I would absolutely do it too so that you can get proper, professional help with drop offs etc. I'd like to see him complain about you being difficult with access when it is explained that the arrangements are different now because he has been accused of rape.
He must NEVER be allowed in your house again. I have a very close friend who couldn't be near her exh and Mil did all the pick up and drop offs. If he wants to see his children he must do it on your terms now.
What an evil man.
Please look after yourself.

A text sounds like a good idea to me, at least then it's documented and you have a record in writing. How are you feeling now? Xx

I'm sure he'll say that Breakfast because I've been known to like it rough before (more tmi ) but I was literally saying "please don't I don't want to" so that leaves little room for misinterpretation doesn't it - or so you'd think!
I wasn't too drunk for there to be any confusion, I had had a drink yes, but I wasn't out of it by any stretch

Took me a long time to post that one whoops!

I'm going to try to compose a text now ...