NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

Wow I've never thought of him as a psychopath 😳 I don't even know what to make of that tbh

Giddy he didn't have to use any force because I was too big and had SPD so couldn't have moved even if I tried, so I just waited

He came for his driving license so I couldn't just put it outside, he was only here for literally about 2 minutes though
He did his sad voice and asked me if we could talk tomorrow, I told him I just didn't know what else there was to say

That's disgusting Capes I'm so sorry that happened to you. I know you don't think it's a big deal but I'm still sorry. Who could do that to someone they supposedly love? It's sick.

I don't know what else I can say really. It makes me feel so sad and angry and disgusted that he would do this to you. I wish I could show you from an outside perspective.

I hope you find the strength to move on from him

Every time you post about him, he seems worse and worse. He raped you ffs and then laughed at you - vile.

Good response Capes.
"Lesson learned – it's history – when all is said and done" !

I find your posts heartbreaking to read Capes I really do

Please get over the idea that abuse has to be physical violence or that rape is only defined by aggression and pain.

You said I controlled all of our finances
No, he allowed you to administer your finances, as and when it suits. You also talk about him not hesitating to withhold money. That means you're not in control.

In a lot of ways it looked like I was the one in control and wearing the trousers in our relationship
Yes, it looked like but he doesn't even allow you to be in control of your own body if he wants something you don't.

Just, the exact opposite of someone who was being abused
You must have heard or read on here, of so many people who look to have a wonderful life, with a wonderful partner who no one would ever suspect or believe is so very different in private? The whole list of issues with this man goes on and on and on.

Please afford the same courtesy to you and your children, that we do. Believe in how badly treated you are and believe that you all deserve so much better. You are certainly strong enough to make wonderful lives for you all if you only admit to yourself what you need to do.

I'm older than all of you so in my head I think of you as my daughers even though my dd is just 13. I'm afraid it makes me cry. The fact you attempt to justify his actions and we all think 'wow, that's making it worst'.
I do think you should listen to sky even more than me. I've never been in your situation so I'm really talking out of my arse as I have no experience of this. She does though and when she was thinking of kicking her XP out you gave her brilliant advice, she is shocked and she's lived through more shit that I can imagine.

I've lurked on both your threads no capes, you sound like an intelligent women and a fab mother.

Wether you see his behaviour as abusive or not it is BTW, I think you need space from him. All this turning up, sending messages is his way of trying to manipulate you again. His way of trying to worm his way back...think about it...life for him was VERY easy.

IMO, any messages about the children etc should be done via email possibly through a third party, he should collect/drop the children from mama Capes house.

You need a plan.
IMHO, you should work this out with Mama Capes.
Make that list, ask if you can go & talk to MamaC after school & tell your full story. including the brief shag.
tell her you need severance. make a plan

Fair enough if it was his driving licence. You being huge and captive by means of SPD doesn't make it OK. It really doesn't. I don't know how to make you angry with him. I wish I could hand over half of the anger we feel to you. You'd have his arse kicked half way across the Irish Sea by now if I could.

Look at it this way. He believes you have no right to determine what you do with your own body. I read somewhere that if everything else was taken away from you, the one thing they can't take away should be yourself - your throughts, feelings and physical person. It's the one thing that truly belongs to us as an individual. What he did shows you that as a lesser (in his eyes) being your want, needs and feelings don't even register. Or matter. His do.

He is stealing your life from you, and thinks he's perfectly entitled to do so. He doesn't even think he's done anything wrong.

He is utterly incapable of actually loving you as a real person. And that's not a judgement of you. He's got something missing. No amount of love on your side will ever fill that black gap in his soul.

Tell him no to coming around this afternoon, it's not convient. He's pushing your boundaries little by little - until he will be sat back on your sofa with his feet up.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you think it's abuse or not.

All you need to do is ask yourself do I want my life to go back to the way it was when we were "together"?
Because he will not change. Your life will go back to the way it was when he was (occasionally) under your roof.

Your children are already happier without him there. One day you will be too, you just need to give it time.

I'm going to use an analogy now; people always think that joining a gym is the hardest but, but it isn't. The hardest bit is a few weeks in when you hit "the wall"; the tiredness hits, and your muscles ache. That's when most people quit, but it's actually the time you need to be most determind. So you've missed a week of the gym, who cares? The important thing is that one week doesn't become 2 or more.

No I agree it doesn't matter how and if I choose to label his behaviour, the only important thing is that I have had enough and I need to stop going back and asking for more

We all believe in you Capes

I have been there. Not knowing what it was. The emotional abuse I was also heavily pregnant and he took what he wanted. I was crying in pain and the bastard knew that. He didn't stop though.

I minimised his behaviour and changed mine. I always thought I wasn't frightened of him but when away I actually was because I didn't know what mood he'd be in when he came home or when I did. I adjusted me for him.
I also thought he was a selfish bastard to and didn't mean to hurt me. No he meant to hurt me. He knew exactly what he was doing. Doing so insidiously and slowly to wear me down. I accepted the crumbs he gave. Till that day he threw my son. I escaped and that's what he can't forgive I left, my revenge was just that. He tried the coaxing, the puppy dog eyes. When that didn't work he got nasty. He wouldn't shout but be in your personal space quietly talking telling me I was a waste of space and no man would have me and I wouldn't get better than him.

This isn't an overnight fix capes oh no there will be wobbles and wibbles. There will be crying, feelings of abdandoment and the grieving too.

I would seriously look at the freedom programme

Oh and I am old enough to be your mother and I would tell you to run and not look back.

Rooting for you either way as it takes time.

Ok-well just see how you get on then capes.
I think you logically know what the right thing for you and the Dc's is-the problem is the more difficult emotions behind it all. I get that it's hard.
But you really have done well and you can do this if you choose to.
That was a good analogy about the gym.

The thing is capes is that it isn't going to get better if you have him back. ever.
You can have the odd date & shag if you so wish, but what will that say to your kids?
It may be hard, kicking an addiction can only be hard.
dealing with your broken heart is hard
Yes its shit, but it WILL get better after you make the decision to grab your anger, your courage & your self respect, & tell him to FTFFOAWHGTTFHA

Thank you every single one of you, I appreciate every message and all the time you are all giving to writing here

I am writing off last week and going to keep powering through I promise
I really don't want to go backwards now it has been too hard
I won't I won't

I'm proud of you, proud that you have been honest on here - you are so much stronger than you believe.

You will break away and be free of him, one step at a time slowly but you will get there.

Capes, its not easy at all,

It took me years to get my head straight and work out what had gone wrong in my relationship: and to stop me thinking that it had all been my fault, I had encouraged his behaviour, was responsible for it in some way

For a while after the split I compartmentalised it, put everything emotional into a mental box that I did not deal with and got on with coping day to day, and building up everything that the relationship had limited me in from me - financial savings, security, career, friendships and family relationships. It may not be the best strategy but it worked well for me and I started to see the value and progress in other areas, how much better I felt without him rather than obsessing over him.
It was only when I felt stronger that I was able to think about and analyse his behaviour; not to vindicate myself and actions but to look at what had happened and try not to repeat such a pattern. I think some people find the freedom program helpful at helping you unpick what went on and see how your reality had been bent

I hope I am not projecting too much of my own relationship experience on to yours but there are many people out there who can understand the total head fucking headfuckery of living with a professional head fucker and how hard it is to get free. But you can, honestly, small steps one at a time, and it will be worth it for you and your children

Well done Capes.

See my hand capes?
See those other hands capes?
Hold them. Hold them tight. :)

sorry im late after your post capes

im so sa reain everything he done-my dh and i have had arguments but hes never done one of those things even when hes annoyed

i hope you can carry on being strong and coming here for help when u need it

sorry cat stepped on keyboard

im so sad*

The other thing Capes is that you don't want your children growing up and thinking this is normal,healthy relationship behaviour. Because you don't think it's abuse they won't either and will possibly follow into the relationship traps.
He can obviously be charming (many abusers are ) which is why you find it hard to see his behaivour for what it is.
Please keep reading your lists.

Didactylos no I don't feel like you're projecting at all, your input is so so helpful, sounds like our Ex's are very similar and it's good for me to hear what it's like from the other side, once your over it and you can really see him
It is a total headfuck and I feel like every move he makes has me questioning the last one, it's exhausting tbh

Giddy I luffs you

Thank you everyone else too
I wish you were all real people I could go out and drink wine with