NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

Oh I just meant she could suggest he goes to court so that he'll get laughed out the lawyers office tbh

He'll soon realise he doesn't have a leg to stand on!

And yes Capes it is that bad. The man raped you, and physically assaulted you. If I'd written something like that on my thread think about how you would have reacted? If I had written in my OP "he's also forced himself on me when I was pregnant and put his hands around my neck one time when I tried to leave." Would you have thought: oh that bits not that bad! or would you have been horrified and telling me to get away from this abusive dickbag!

You've probably made it seem normal because the alternative I too painful, its your mind trying to protect itself. Its called cognitive dissonance, your mind can't put together that the "nice" person you know when he's not being a twat could have done this and it would make your head implode to try and hold it like that so you've convinced yourself that it "wasn't that bad" in order to fit in with your belief that he's essentially a nice person.

He is not a nice person. He is a manipulative, controlling, misogynistic, rapist. He's just been acting nice for as little time as he can whilst still convincing you that all these incidents were one offs, or your fault, or not a big deal, or just because you hadn't gotten through to him. But it's not been a one off, its not your fault, its a very big deal, and he knows what you've been trying to say he just doesn't give a shit.

You deserve so much more

Oh Capes... I echo, yes he is that bad. Read your list with tears in my eyes and chills all over. How bad does it have to be in your book to be 'bad'? What more would you need to see to label this as physical and mental abuse?

dobby I don't know just, worse?
I'm not scared of him at all, not in the slightest, I'm not worried about saying certain things to him, I wouldn't hesitate to call him a prick if he was being one, I controlled all of our finances, I make most decisions about the kids and even banned his mum from seeing them which he went along with
In a lot of ways it looked like I was the one in control and wearing the trousers in our relationship
Just, the exact opposite of someone who was being abused

mix I meant that is what he would prob threaten if he thought he was really losing the control but yes he would be laughed out of there for being such a twat.

but it really isn't that bad
He is repeatedly unfaithful. He scares your children. He raped you. He physically assaulted you. He is unwilling to support you at the hardest times of your life. You dare not tell your friends and family the truth.
Is there a chance that the fact that you don't think it's that bad is because he has ground you down to the point where you believe on some level that this is normal behaviour? Or is it that you believe you deserve this?
Only you know the full list, good and bad, and can make the necessary decisions. We will support you either way of course. But, please do not discount the fact that through all our eyes his behaviour is not acceptable, not normal, and really is that bad, and that your perception may be skewed at the moment.

capes love. One question.
If it's not that had what's stopping you telling someone in RL?

• bad

You're still buying into the whole "Hollywood" brand of abuse. Its very rarely Big Strong Abuser and Shy Timid Woman.

I'm not scared of XP most of the time. Untill he gets angry and in my face. Even then not always, I can tell what's normal anger from normal arguments, and what is the anger where he will belittle me, call me names, get in my face and intimidate me. That's when I'm scared. Its a look in his eyes, and when that happens I'm very conscious that he could snap and hit me this time around. But normal day to day? No, then I'm not scared of him.

Were you scared when he put his hands around your neck? Were you scared when he forced himself on you? You shouldn't be scared of a partner ever.

I also beg to differ that you aren't worried about saying things to him. Look at my post where I copied stuff you'd written. I cant get it again because I'm on my phone but you said (paraphrasing): "I don't want to force him to leave because he can be cruel and wouldn't think twice about airing our secrets and dirty laundry to anyone who'll listen. I don't want to give him any ammo."

See its little things like that, little subtle ways that they shift you belief system to make you think this is normal... Would you tell your daughter it wasn't that had if she came to you with this? No, because she is worth more than that, and so are you.

*bad

I think I need glasses too Giddy!!!

If you don't think that all the stuff you listed is that bad then that's your prerogative I suppose. You must have thought it was pretty bad to start the thread in the first place though? We can all say that we wouldn't accept it but if you say that's what you want-well then you are a grown up and can make those choices for yourself. Just throwing it out there however-what would you do if it was your daughter writing that list in 20 years time? Odds on you would tell her to get out of there as fast as her legs would carry her. And you would be right to do so to be honest. I'm not going to blather on about what behaviour you are modelling for the kids by putting up with it-you know all that already.Im not judging it really either-I get how hard it is.maybe on a day to day basis when he's being nice it feels worth putting up with all the other rubbish for. He seems like he must be quite a charming person on the outside and that can be quite addictive.
I just really wish you would be kinder to yourself and believe that you deserve better that tiny bit more.

If you don't think that all the stuff you listed is that bad then that's your prerogative I suppose. You must have thought it was pretty bad to start the thread in the first place though? We can all say that we wouldn't accept it but if you say that's what you want-well then you are a grown up and can make those choices for yourself. Just throwing it out there however-what would you do if it was your daughter writing that list in 20 years time? Odds on you would tell her to get out of there as fast as her legs would carry her. And you would be right to do so to be honest. I'm not going to blather on about what behaviour you are modelling for the kids by putting up with it-you know all that already.Im not judging it really either-I get how hard it is.maybe on a day to day basis when he's being nice it feels worth putting up with all the other rubbish for. He seems like he must be quite a charming person on the outside and that can be quite addictive.
I just really wish you would be kinder to yourself and believe that you deserve better that tiny bit more.

If you don't think that all the stuff you listed is that bad then that's your prerogative I suppose. You must have thought it was pretty bad to start the thread in the first place though? We can all say that we wouldn't accept it but if you say that's what you want-well then you are a grown up and can make those choices for yourself. Just throwing it out there however-what would you do if it was your daughter writing that list in 20 years time? Odds on you would tell her to get out of there as fast as her legs would carry her. And you would be right to do so to be honest. I'm not going to blather on about what behaviour you are modelling for the kids by putting up with it-you know all that already.Im not judging it really either-I get how hard it is.maybe on a day to day basis when he's being nice it feels worth putting up with all the other rubbish for. He seems like he must be quite a charming person on the outside and that can be quite addictive.
I just really wish you would be kinder to yourself and believe that you deserve better that tiny bit more.

If you don't think that all the stuff you listed is that bad then that's your prerogative I suppose. You must have thought it was pretty bad to start the thread in the first place though? We can all say that we wouldn't accept it but if you say that's what you want-well then you are a grown up and can make those choices for yourself. Just throwing it out there however-what would you do if it was your daughter writing that list in 20 years time? Odds on you would tell her to get out of there as fast as her legs would carry her. And you would be right to do so to be honest. I'm not going to blather on about what behaviour you are modelling for the kids by putting up with it-you know all that already.Im not judging it really either-I get how hard it is.maybe on a day to day basis when he's being nice it feels worth putting up with all the other rubbish for. He seems like he must be quite a charming person on the outside and that can be quite addictive.
I just really wish you would be kinder to yourself and believe that you deserve better that tiny bit more.

No capes - another person tearing up at your list and wishing I could come over and answer the door to him
it is abuse, it is bad, you have written it down in black and white
we believe you, (collective Mnet We) we are horrified, I guarantee if you tell your mother or a friend they will be equally outraged
those things he did - attacking you, rape, leaving you, not supporting you
are actions, reality, they happened
and no amount of ' but he meant' 'but he felt' 'it was a misunderstanding' 'we were both to blame' 'it will get better' can take away the reality that he manipulated, attacked and abused you

I found the gaslighting one of the hardest things to take because you truly do care about the person, and had planned your life with them; and when they come to you crying/saying they will change/being the person you fell in love with then its really hard to hold the cold facts in your head and maintain your reality. Because manipulators are very good at putting you in doubt of your own reality, and even of events, and making you feel your reactions and emotions are somehow invalid

I was scared to tell people because I didn't want them to see me as weak, stupid, pathetic for putting up with abusive behaviour for so long
and because once I told people the genie was completely out the bottle and there would be no way of rescuing or redeeming the man I thought I loved. It took me quite a while to realise the man I loved was an illusion and that no rescue or redemption possible, and that even if he could change it was not worth what he was asking of me, and that by his actions he had killed any comfort and trust in the relationship

Please tell someone in real life and take his power away

What was that nigel? I didn't quite catch it

I completely agree with Didactylos. Nothing to add. You should just read that comment again in place of anything I could say.

Sorry for posting that a gazillion times-phone!

Your posts are so sad NoCapes; you sound like such a lovely person and a great mother and deserve better than this.
Once upon a time, my son would have given his right arm to have someone like you love him. (And so would I).

And, please, listen to Skye.....
The lady talks such sense.

When a man grabs you round the throat it's the end because they get worse not better and he can and could kill you. It's the major red flag in any relationship.
EA is real but we don't notice it till it's actually to late and wonder as you are doing but it's just him it's normal. Oh yeah it's him alright and it's now time to take a stance.
Do what you can do to go NC if that is your wish.
I have been lurking and rooting for you as I know EA I lived with it over 20 years ago the Belittling, coercion, sexual assault the lot and I normalised it all for 7 years. I lived with a monster that looked just as normal as your ex. He put on a mask for others. The day I snapped is when he threw his son at me. I left with the clothes I had on my back that day. The aftermath was horrible but I came through it but I carry the scars to this day. I went to counselling which helped a lot.

Don't get me wrong I'm in no way defending his behaviour, I'm not saying he treated me well at all
And I'm not saying this is what I want

I think you're all right in saying the man I love doesn't actually exist
I get glimpses of him every now and again but if that was really who he was it'd be more than that

I don't think he is intentionally horrible though (hear me out!) I don't think he does things and goes 'ha! That'll really hurt her' I think he's just deeply deeply selfish and doesn't really understand the true consequences his behaviour has - partly because I keep taking him back and still tell him I love him, partly because I don't say much, he's really difficult to talk to sometimes and I tie myself up in knots trying to make him understand so I've just stopped bothering
I really think he would benefit from some kind of counselling, but he'd never agree

And sky as crazy as it sounds, no I wasn't scared when he was doing those things to me, I think I know that he would never really actually hurt me, the hands round the throat incident was a long time ago and I broke up with him for a long time after that and nothing like that has happened since
And I don't think he thinks he raped me, even though I told him he did, it wasn't your typical violent movie rape so I don't think he believes that's what it was, and I don't think he believes you can rape your girlfriend
He laughed and rolled his eyes when I used that word, he would never ever agree
And in some ways that's made me almost feel better about it? Like he didn't pin me down and intentionally rape me thinking that's what he was doing and actually wanting to hurt me iyswim??

I think it's all so hard to accept because all I've ever done is love him, and it's just hard to accept that he didn't love me, why wasn't I enough? Why didn't he love me too? Why did he want to repeatedly hurt me?
It a blow to the ego as much as anything else

He rang before he needs to pick something up for work on his lunch, I feel a bit wierd about seeing him after everything I've said on here

He didn't love you because he's so selfish he doesn't love anyone but himself. There's nothing you or anyone else could do to change that.

I don't think my XP is intentionally horrible either. I too think that he is just so selfish he can't see beyond himself. But that doesn't make them any better. To be honest, thinking that I've been with someone who is so completely and utterly self-centred, who only ever thinks about themselves, who puts their own feelings above that of their children. It makes me feel sick.

Rape is rape. And the fact that he laughed when you said you felt he had raped you. That's despicable. That is evil.

Put whatever it is outside the front door and go for a walk.

It's not something in you that's lacking. It's something in him. You can't fix it but you can stop waiting for him to fix it.
You say he didn't use force but he used emotional force. You weren't scared because you were complying. You knew that being compliant was the best way to avoid conflict and what else?

In fact my friend's ex (who I am 100% sure did rape her as she describes) is cheerfully posting all over social media about how he respects women's rights. He doesn't think he's a rapist. I do.

You do realise capes that your last post makes him seem worst rather than better. If you told a good guy I feel you raped me he wouldn't laugh. You were pregnant the best spin that could be put on that was that you said no I feel sick, ill, tired, fat or whatever and he said well I still want it and carried on. That's still rape. I'd never seem the tea video for consent before but it's true. You don't force a cup of tea on anyone except if you're Mrs Doyle! If he even made you feel nothing more than ffs get on with it is it over yet it's still rape. I'd doesn't have to be a random stranger dragging you into an alley.
You do realise your description of him is a psychopath or sociopath (I can't remember the full definition, it's been too long ago) neither of whom make good husband material.

At heart, Hare’s test is simple: a list of 20 criteria, each given a score of 0 (if it doesn’t apply to the person), 1 (if it partially applies) or 2 (if it fully applies). The list in full is: glibness and superficial charm, grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying, cunning/manipulative, lack of remorse, emotional shallowness, callousness and lack of empathy, unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions, a tendency to boredom, a parasitic lifestyle, a lack of realistic long-term goals, impulsivity, irresponsibility, lack of behavioural control, behavioural problems in early life, juvenile delinquency, criminal versatility, a history of “revocation of conditional release” (ie broken parole), multiple marriages, and promiscuous sexual behaviour. A pure, prototypical psychopath would score 40. A score of 30 or more qualifies for a diagnosis of psychopathy. Hare says: “A friend of mine, a psychiatrist, once said: ‘Bob, when I meet someone who scores 35 or 36, I know these people really are different.’ The ones we consider to be alien are the ones at the upper end.”
Go through this quiz capes you don't have to tell us his score just hold that number in your head.

I went through the quiz. From your description of him I gave him a score of 34