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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

993 replies

NoCapes · 18/09/2016 13:17

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Original poster
NoCapes · 03/10/2016 23:30

Oh god the crying is catching! Sorry guys Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 03/10/2016 23:33

Lynn I know, I used to think I was like you, I don't know when I became the kind of person who would put up with this bullshit

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 03/10/2016 23:33

Oh Capes Sad

You have been through so much.

Flowers
Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 23:36

I think you need to give an ultimatum either someone else hands over the dc's or you don't see them. If you legally can't do that informally and I have no knowledge of divorce or child contact then you need to have a formal supervised contact order.

skyyequake · 03/10/2016 23:37

He can't refuse picking them up from someone else. If he doesn't pick them up, he doesn't see them. Tell him he can go to court if he wants they'll just say "dude pick your kids up wtf" Hmm (only in legal speak)

And tbh I'm really fucking angry right now. I swear I would beat the crap out of him without hesitation. Angry

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 23:37

I'm probably lucky because my dh has always treated me like a precious jewel rather than something he stepped in. If I'd be ground down like you maybe I'd be less so. I'm a mouthy git so probably not!

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 23:39

Me too sky I'm practically foaming at the mouth. I thought he was an immature prick but he's soooo much worst than that.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/10/2016 23:39

I take it MamaCapes knows some but not all of it?

If you were my dd I'd want to know all of it. I had to tell my dm something along those lines many years ago.

MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2016 23:43

De Lurking.

He is an Abuser. Controlling, coercive, violent (including sexual assault.)

Well done on getting rid! Women 's Aid should be your next source of support/advice. Lots of Luck!

Original poster
NoCapes · 03/10/2016 23:44

dude wtf (in legal speak) Oh sky you do make me laugh Grin

Giddy Mama Capes probably knows about 2 or 3 things on that list, my best friend probably knows a few more, no-one in RL knows everything on there

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 03/10/2016 23:47

Ms I can see written down in bullet points that it looks like that but I am still really struggling with the thought of it being abuse tbh
It just doesn't feel like what I imagine an abused woman to feel like, and if you met him you honestly wouldn't think for one minute that he was an abusive man - well you lot would now obviously, but no-one else would or does

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/10/2016 23:47

Think about telling her. Not tomorrow but sometime soon when you feel strong. You're doing well to tell us. Let's work on making it something you can say here, to yourself and finally out loud.

skyyequake · 03/10/2016 23:53

Also Capes you should definitely get down to Women's Aid or somewhere similar and see if you can get on The Freedom Programme. Like Lynn I only gathered from your posts that he was an immature prick, but he is very, very abusive. Definitely worse than my XP.

The Freedom Programme will help you to see those behaviours as they really are. They will arm you with knowledge and perspective which will give you strength when/if you have to face him for the DC.

Please don't deal with this all alone. Get some irl help, from people who understand and know how to help. It will be scary at first, but it will make you feel so much better.

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 23:54

Stockholm Syndrome, this has crept up on you over time so each extra drip doesn't feel like much. It's only when you write it all down and we all give a sharp intake of breath that you see the big picture.
I'm sure he is charming, likeable, funny, good looking if he wasn't a charmer he couldn't reel you in but that's not the whole picture. You might find people around you may have an inkling their spidey sense tells them something is off but you put up with it so they say nothing or assume that feeling was them being silly. Even if no one believed you well you know the truth.

Lynnm63 · 03/10/2016 23:57

I second telling your mum, I'd want to know if it was my dd. I'd want to castrate him with a blunt spoon but I'd be hurt she was going through this alone.

ohfourfoxache · 04/10/2016 02:08

Capes he can't refuse, love. He hasn't got the power to refuse. All the power is in your hands now (yes, really).

Don't be afraid to use it. If no contact is what you need then, please, just do it. He doesn't need to have a say in this.

PrettyFlyForATightGuy · 04/10/2016 03:25

The things that scream out from so many of your posts Capes are you saying that 'he won't allow it' about so many things. That's something that creeps up over time and feels normal. It's so subtle that it feels like it could be the same as other people's relationships but you know deep down it isn't and you know this because if it was you wouldn't be worried or embarrassed to talk to other people about it. A normal situation is where one human has autonomy over their own thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. A controlling situation is where this isn't the case. You're so used to minimising these things that you've got to the stage you can't believe this is abuse but it is. Imagine if this was your daughter when she was grown up, would you want her to continue in a relationship that looked like this or would you want her to be free of it? As things stand right this second he no longer has this control over you. There is now nothing he 'can't or won't allow'. You have the power to make your own decisions and the majority of those relating to your children. It's completely up to you if you feel all of your long term wellbeing would be better if you were back together but you really should try to take some time, clear your mind and see the big picture through the eyes of someone else before you make that decision so you are fully informed.

As many others have said before, the best thing you could do now is take some real time away from him so you can make a fully informed decision of what is right for you. On the days he is seeing the kids could you drop them either at Mama Capes' house or his Mums for him to collect from there? You should also consider telling Mama Capes or a close friend some of this if you really want to have the strength to stay away from him. They may be cross, judgemental, devastated etc but they will be on your side and you need that. You need real life backup and support as well as online.

I really hope that whatever happens and whatever decisions you make for yourself and your family that your future is a much happier place than your recent past.

madgingermunchkin · 04/10/2016 06:56

He's in no position to "allow" anything.

If you do not want to see him, and want him to pick up and drop off children from somewhere else, that is entirely your right

How about even having Mama Capes at yours to answer the door/not allow him in? At least the , you don't have to see him, and it might not feel like such a massive step to you.

Oh, and say the word and I'll quite happily go round and break every bone in his bone in the most horrific, painful way possible. The pathetic, spineless, cowardly, bullying cunt.

Mix56 · 04/10/2016 07:02

That list is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
It bears no words.
He has simply used & abused you since day one.

Here's the thing. "You want to be loved, you want company, security, a family unit, normality.
But it is like an addict, you need, want, crave, but it is going to destroy you.
He is not a decent person,
Imagine he is faulty goods, seemingly undamaged, but doesn't work & no one can fix. He is damaged though, he is dangerous.
Oh Capes, you must go to your Mum & tell her. I would die inside if I discovered my DD was living this.

For child contact. He can refuse a 3rd party pick up/drop off, but that means he doesn't see them. You must sever contact. You were told, he must not come in your house. if he's not in, he can't home in on your insecurity & need for affection.
Today is a new day. you fell off the wagon, but for you & your DCs climb back up.

rainbowstardrops · 04/10/2016 07:08

Wow. He's even worse than I first thought. Just wow.
I simply can not believe that you have managed to put up with this twat for as long as you have.
He missed his own child's birth for a football match Shock That just shows that he doesn't love anyone more than he loves himself.
Please don't take him back. He might just start treating people with a shred of respect if he knows he can't get away with it.

myfriendnigel · 04/10/2016 07:21

That's a sobering and sad list capes. Easier said than done but I would have a chat with your mum. Tell her all that but that you are also worried that you don't have the strength to stay away from him. You have been conditioned to accept things that aren't ok.You need someone in rl (as well as us) to tell you repeatedly that you deserve better than that and to encourage you not to self sabotage by placing yourself in a position and with someone that makes you feel that's all you can have.
It isn't.
He can pick the kids up without having to come in. He can pick them up with only pleasantries exchanged.he can pick them up from your mums. It's not about what he'll allow-it's about what you say you want. But you first have to decide that. That's what you want and stick with it.
I'm so sad and angry on your behalf capes.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 04/10/2016 07:37

I hide the truth in real life because I know I'll get back with him and be embarrassed by what people know

Then you know what were going to say. And you know it's right. Tell somebody! Tell ElderEdna. Tell friend. Tell your HV. Double dawg dare ya to tell the police about the raping!

Just tell somebody IRL. Then you can't have him back. We are, as previously mentioned, merely people in front of their screens. and clearly the weight of our experiences, our collective wisdom, our caring aren't enough to stop you from ruining yours and DCs' lives. You know IRL censure is the only way to go. So go shore that up.

... I'll get back with him ...

Oh, and I disagree - you were never really "with" him, and he certainly wasn't with you. Maybe just a convenient place to keep his stuff and dip his wick, get a meal...

RonBurgundysMoustache · 04/10/2016 07:50

Oh capes that list is just shocking. Please, please tell someone in rl.. or if you don't feel able to tell them show them that post... you need the strength to stay away from him and by having someone know what he has actually done will help you immensely.

Please think capes do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how normal relationships work? Your ds's will believe that's how you treat women and your dd will believe that's how she should be treated... you are a fabulous mum so I know the answer is of course you don't. So please think of that, this man is abusing you find that steel that in there and tell him to fuck off once and for all and he either excepts your requests to third party handovers or he doesn't see his kids. I doubt the man cares enough to take you to court, he just wants to control you when he no longer can he will slink away

Original poster
NoCapes · 04/10/2016 08:11

The baby actually slept a bit last night (Halle-fricking-llujah!!) so I feel soooo much better this morning

And in my less emotional state I'm looking at that list and reading all of your responses and thinking - but it really isn't that bad

Obviously you're all horrified so I can see that it probably is, but I just don't feel it Confused Blush

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Mix56 · 04/10/2016 08:13

take you to court for what?
If Capes is providing contact & he doesn't like the place albeit, a park a café, her mums....... he has nothing to go to court about, & it would certainly be seen with much displeasure for time wasting.