NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

oops, " I will change & treat you as you deserve"

Back in the ring for another round.

Ouch.

Please don't cry because you'll start me off. We aren't trying to railroad you and obviously we are here for you whatever you decide. You've come a long way and you deserve so much more than the cockwomble or whatever phrase we coined for him.

ah capes-it's your life. No one wants to make you cry. But at the same time none of us want to see you back here in a year saying the same things and feeling even worse because you had done so well this time but decided to give him another chance and he has screwed you over again.Nothing he has done or said since you asked him to leave makes me think he has taken this seriously or has any intention of changing.But I don't know him-you do. Do you genuinely think he is capable of being who you and the kids deserve him to be? If so then go for it.
If not...well why waste the time on him? Because I'm fairly sure there is someone out there for you that will give you all the 'nice' things you are missing about him, without any of the utter shite he has put you through.

Sweetheart we are here as support for you. In any way you need us to be, as well as with reality. The other ladies have had some fantastic advice, but I would just like to add two things.

1. He's happier because he can now go out and do whatever the fuck he likes, without having to "deal with" you at home "nagging" at him.

2. He says he doesn't want to come home because he's worried that everytime you fight you'll kick him out again. This shows he has absolutely no intention of changing and will expect you to just put up and shut up Do you want to go back to that life?

I think there are many, many women who have wobbled and ended up back in bed with an ex (I did, on and off, for three whole years ) so there is no judgement just support and knowledge of what will probably happen if you go back.

hi capes

im usually the first to mouth off on here when someone sleeps with their ex but not this time

youve been through such a lot andu still love him it doesnt just switch off your not a robot

but like sky said and others look what he put you through re read your old posts and really think is it him you want or the idea of a relationship u crave

one day you'll meet someone who wants to be with you enjoys being with you and appreicate you-your ex isnt it

No I don't mean I was crying because anyone was being horrible or anything, there's just some stuff that's hard to read, even if I know it just seeing it in black and white is always difficult
I've pretty much cried all day today though tbf, the baby hasn't been sleeping either which isn't helping my moods, so not completely because if this thread
Always makes me a bit teary when you all say you care about me and stuff too but more in a good way really, and then I realise I feel more love and care coming from some of these posts off a load of random internet strangers than I do from the person I'm fucking crying about - just why Capes?!

God my posts are pathetic today

Oh dear. Seeing your relationship in black and white really shines a light on it doesn't it.

Actually ...how much of a relationship is/ was it?

It wasn't really was it Dowser

Have an off day, we all have them. ( take it from someone on a low sugar diet who spent a sizeable section of today on a step ladder attacking the Christmas/sugary trash cupboard). Start again tomorrow, I know that's what I'll do. You already know what to do or you would abandon this thread and go back to how it was before. It's early in the month so you can try again.

Your posts aren't pathetic. You've had a rough few weeks and he caught you at a weak moment. You can consider this a temporary blip a bit like eating a humungous cake in the middle of a diet. You can either say 'fuck it I'll always be fat' or 'tomorrow is a new day, clean slate' and restart your diet more aware of the pitfalls. Maybe you change your routine so you no longer walk past the tempting bakery. You just need to work out what caused you to wobble back into his bed and avoid that trigger.

theyre not pathetic like i said your human and your a good person-

im sure i speak for everyone on here we wouldnt be coming back to post if we didnt thinkyou werent

Big hugs xxx

Thankyou all you're all just so lovely

I'm going to make a list, well 2 - I love a list! I'm going to make one of all the positive changes since he's been gone and one of all the really really shitty things he did to me (that one may take a while)
And I'm just going to read and reread them

I don't want to go backwards, I don't want all of this to have been for nothing
And as someone said up thread (I think it was Feck?) when I imagine what I want mine and the kids life to be, and try to put ExP in that, it just doesn't fit, it will never ever be that with him

Now you sound like the old Capes!

Hurrah Capes shake this week off as a bad patch and start afresh tomorrow.. put your playlist on, make your lists and just think how amaze balls all your lives will be in the years to come without him..

Ah we are fond of you and skyye and you're both doing well. A stumble is all it was on a journey. We'll dust you off and set you off again.

capes I have been a lurker and silently cheering you on
and have also been a waverer who has struggled to end controlling and abusive relationships, though nothing nearly as arrant and damaging as your descriptions, but the care and pity and general wish to connect with someone who you imagine could possibly love you was still there

one of the best things I did was a list, I had it in my email inbox and initially would check it daily, then every week, then only before a meeting with ex, and eventually not at all because I had moved on. It felt like picking a scab at first to look at it every day but having that reminder of what I had clearheadedly considered and decided I could not accept would allow me to reassert the clarity I felt in the first few days of deciding to leave, whatever gameplaying, appeal or gaslighting effort he made
I found a copy of my list the other day, nearly 13 years later
it all still rings true

Have a little snippet of my list -

• left me for X1 when pregnant with DS1

• left me for X2 when pregnant with DD

• refused overnights when I was struggling with PND after DD was born because X2 usually stayed at his house on a Saturday

• missing DD's birth because he went to a football match even after I'd told him I was in labour - not even offering to watch our 1 year old

• likes to bring up X1 from time to time in a 'funny' way

• used to tell me his gf before me was prettier

• forced himself on me when I was pregnant with DS2

• the time he grabbed me by the throat in an argument and tried to stop me driving away with DD by repeatedly walking out of the house and leaving the door wide open forcing me out of the car to go and lock the door

...I hovered over the post button for a loonnnnnggg time there - but with honesty comes accountability
I hide the truth in real life because I know I'll get back with him and be embarrassed by what people know
Maybe if more people know it'll stop me going back

Oh capes sweetheart. I'm a bit teary for you now. How dare he treat you like this and be such an arrogant shit.
I've got no words but I really, really hope we can build you up to know he doesn't deserve anything from you.

I think what you need is to find a way to go no contact for a period of time. Like I said a while back I went back several times, in a similar way to what's happening to you now. The last time, the time I broke free, I didn't see him for 6 weeks. It gave me time to get my equilibrium back - you may need more time, you may need less.

Is there any way you can arrange for him to pick up your DC and not see him? Or have someone else there when he comes around?

I had to choke back a sob reading the last but one on your list Capes, sorry but he's an utter cunt and you're so lovely, I so hope you can stay strong x

Ah Giddy you can't cry! You lot are here to stop me crying!

Feck I think that would be best really, but I don't think he'd allow it tbh, I asked him to do that before after DD was born - to have someone else do handovers, and he just flat out refused basically and ... Well here we are!

Wow, he really is a catch isn't he? I'm afraid if any man told me his previous girlfriend was prettier than me would be well jog on back to her then.
If he'd missed a child's birth for anything less than being called out as RNLI etc there wouldn't have been a dc3.
Can't even get my head round the last two.
I don't care how hot he is he's a mean spirited two timing rapist.
Keep that list and look at it anytime you miss him.
You know I'm thinking of hiring myself out as a kind of wife swap to show all these low life's how lucky they are not to be married to me