NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

So, how have things been left?

I know you're all right (obviously, you always are)
I'm seeing all the good bits of him atm and I need to keep reminding myself that if he were to move back in it wouldn't take long for him to be himself again, probably worse actually because he'd have even less respect for me after this

Giddys analogy corner having a theme tune has absolutely made my day tbh

tired it was just sort of left at nothing, we haven't spoke since really, not about anything of any relevance anyway

Hi Capes, I've been lurking but rooting you on!

Try and put him out of the picture as an individual and decide how you want your life to be. Then put him back in the picture and see if that life will be possible.

How did you feel after you had sex? Has he still been trying to woo you back? Or has he scratched an itch and will get back to you when it needs scratching again?

Happy to help! Although I do feel like Dennis Waterman in Little Britain "Write the feem tune, sing the feem tune"

I agree with Feck

As painful as this might be, the fact that he's not spoken more about it suggests that it was all about the physical to him.

Once is once and you don't need to be ashamed but for your sake please don't let it become a regular thing. Then he really will be having his cake and eating it!

I mean if you want a casual thing then that's fine. But that involves little to no emotional involvement, which I don't think you can have with your Ex...

That was inevitable. I hope you used a condom, you don't know where he's been putting his dick.

The thing you are missing is a presence, someone to be there at night, some noise & knowing you are not alone.(apart from DCs)
You are also NOT missing, him staying out all night & being stroppy on the 2 or 3 nights he bothered to stay in, nor his snide smile as he sauntered back in. His unfullfilled promises to the Dcs, & taking the whole thing for granted.
He meanwhile is missing nothing whatsoever, he is still going out, all night poker, doing what he likes, having lie ins. No one is begging him to act as a decent human being, his washing is done, he has the odd day with the kids & then goes back to the pub/club/strip/shag life...only difference his mother/brother isn't asking for more, like stepping up to his responsibilities, & treating you with love & respect instead of dog shit.

Oops started to post and got distracted by dog and DC

Just wanted to say you are still doing great, you are only human.

His reply saying he's be worried you'd throw him out again speaks volumes though... it makes why you have asked him to leave seem trivial, he doesn't see that he has done anything wrong in the way he has behaved just that you have overreacted he really won't change going by that.

Oh I'm under no illusions that it was anything more than a physical act to him, it wasn't exactly erm...romantic?

Can I tell you all another secret?
We've kissed quite a few times over this past week

But yeah I think him not saying anything about it is because he thinks he's got me where he wants me now, this is where I start all the begging and crying for him to come home and taking all the blame for all our problems
That's what happens every time, it's just took a little bit longer than usual this time

I will not do it this time
I won't
I won't

God Capes get some fucking self respect woman

We did use a condom, but I really don't think he's been anywhere else it was over too quick

eggs he's still adamant that I over reacted and I could've just talked to him yeah because I never tried that before have I!

Its tough Capes

Its easy for people on the outside looking in but when you're there, and it's the person you love, its a whole different ball game.

I really wish I could invite you round for a so we can swap notes and bitch about the Exs

Oh Capes.
I bet he's like the bloody cat that got the cream
He'll be laughing - next to no family responsibilities but kissing and shagging you when he feels like it. Grrrr.
Only you can decide if you want him back at the table but if you don't then you've got to make it crystal clear to him.
Here, have some

Giddy's analogy is, as usual, spot on, it was a relapse and totally to be expected because you are, you know, human. But now you need to find a way to strengthen your resolve and find a way to get back on the path of quitting something you know isn't good for you. I think it's actually a really good idea to think of him a lot like an addiction, something you wish you could 'use' now and again simply for fun/pleasure but know in your heart of hearts will become a problem in your life if you allow it to creep back in even a little bit, like an alcoholic with 'just one' drink.

The idea of rereading your earlier posts is a good one, you might think it won't help, that you know what they say but you might be surprised by how sobering it is to see them in black and white and really remember how you felt when you wrote them. I also think you need to get a bit angry with the idea of him thinking he can have his cake and eat it, what he said about not coming back for fear of you kicking him out again if you row should have you raging if you really think about what that means for him. He's basically refusing to risk anything at all to be with you, he doesn't care enough about you to put himself on the line even a little bit and I would see that as a major insult.

I actually think you're giving him exactly what he wants, the single life he always attempted to live despite having a family to think of, and you, on tap when he feels the urge. You're worth more than that Capes, you know you are or why did you kick him out? So now you need to find a way to redraw the boundary lines, you need to get cold and selfish like he is, the kissing needs to stop, whether you just avoid situations where it can happen or speak to him and explain that he seems to have misunderstood the 'rules' and you didn't have the heart to point it out (I would go with this approach and take the opportunity to make him feel a bit small by making out you only did it because you felt sorry for him but I am the spiteful sort!) but either way he needs to realise it's not happening again. And we need a strategy to help you keep strong when you feel your resolve weakening, you could bounce back and forth in and out of this half relationship for years if you're not careful but somewhere along the line you will find yourself having to pick up the pieces and start again without him, you might as well do it now and get it over with.

Above all you need to think about what it will mean if you let yourself keep sliding here, you will end up back where you were, except with even less than you had before because he's not even offering the shit 'partnership' you had to start with. He's basically trying to make you his easy option, trouble is it won't be easy for you in the long run. He's doing it because it's easy where you're doing it because you still have feelings for him and that disparity will spell a huge amount of pain and damage to your self esteem if you let it carry on.

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

I had a thread on here about the make up, he said he'd been to a strip club and it was from a stripper (I know!!)

There's just always an explanation at the time
But when you put it all together I can see I'm being an absolute mug

We've got 3 kids and I lost our 4th last week, it's not just as simple as 'you're taking the piss get out' is it

it was a late miscarriage, I went in and delivered
But it's ok because he stayed in for 3 whole days afterwards !

Why would he change when I allow him to act single and have the perks of a relationship?

Every time he does somethings or says something (like how all the women at work fancy him and this ones asked him out and someone in the barbers was hitting on him blablabla) I always say to myself that it's not me, it's him being a dick and I won't become one of those women who start to be grateful for any crumbs of attention from their partner
But I fear I'm getting there
It's fucking pathetic

Just 'out' shakey just 'chilling' apparently
Which is clearly code for fucking someone

yep that's it, I think he wants to be single but wants to look like a good guy who supports his family so he 'officially' lives here
I'm 26, he's 30

I have asked him a million times tbh, but I'm "so jealous and paranoid" and "it's really not attractive you know"

we do struggle, he's quite reckless with money in general, hence why I've taken over all finances

He's just got in
Did a big cheery "morning" and actually expected me to reply
None of the kids spoke to him either
He asked me if I was "in a mood" I told him not to speak to me and he said to the kids "we'll go to x place later - if mummy cheers up" and he's gone to bed

If I cheer up! Seriously!!

it's a really sad situation ehen the kids don't even ask where he is anymore, because it's more unusual if he is here than if he isn't

yes I'm going to go out somewhere, just getting everyone dressed - not sure where though but we'll go somewhere
I'm not letting him decide what we do today and what my fucking mood should be!!

My life is shit right now, my children are quite literally all I have, every single thing I do each day is for them

yes I had a negative chlamydia test, but I suppose I should get another one soon shouldn't I

I know I should've probably bided my time a bit longer and made some plans, but I know myself and I know that tomorrow he'll be normal and it'll all get swept under the rug until the next time, and so the cycle continues
So I told him to leave
He said no

He's just asked me what's for tea this isn't going very well

he's already tried the "I've nowhere to go you can't kick me out on the streets" card
His mum has a 4 bedroom house and only one child at home hmm on the streets my arse!

We're now communicating through text, seriously how old does he think he is?!

Now he loves me and he's sorry and "please let's talk tonight when the kids are in bed, surely after 8 years I deserve a chance"
My reply - "I've nothing more to say, you've had 8 years of second chances and blown them all. It's over. I want you to leave"

...he's still not moved! Argh!

I just asked the kids if they want McDonalds for tea, this is how the conversation went after they'd (obviously) said yes -
Me - ok I'll just feed DS2 his tea and then we'll nip out and get it
DS1 - can't Dad get it instead?
Me - well you can ask him but it doesn't look like he's getting out of bed today
DS1 - he's still in bed!?!

They had no idea where he was and hadn't even asked me all day
That's how used to him not being around they are
How fucking sad is that?!

Ok he's said (in person!) that he's not leaving tonight, I told him his stuff won't be here tomorrow then
He reckons I 'owe him' at least a chat tonight
I told him I owe him nothing and how dare he try to play the victim!

God I've never thought like that, they'll all grow up and leave me and then what?
No I absolutely don't want to be doing this then, when I feel too old to start over
No absolutely not

that's usually when I cave, when that quiet emptiness kicks in
That's when I'll need to come on here and be shouted at

I don't want to piss him off tbh, he can be very bitter and cruel, and wouldn't think twice of doing things like withholding money, badmouthing me or airing our dirty laundry to anyone that'll listen
I don't want to give him any ammo

no I was never ok with the strippers and when I've asked him before to stop going to strip clubs he's said he wasn't ever going to stop
Just another example of how important I am to him ... And also another example of how superior he feels he is to women

I have lots of ridiculous memories like that too that I look back at and thing wtf capes?! Yet I continue to let him do those things over and over

Part of me wants to shake some sense into him still but I can't, I've been trying for so long, I can't make him want things he doesn't want no matter how much I want them for him

I won't let him talk me round this time I really really won't

I'm sure those women have been being told he's available for a long long time

he said "yes I go out a lot but you go to bed early with the baby so I go out to see people"
Yes knobrash, I go to bed with the baby because I'm fucking knackered because I've done every single night waking for 10 months!!...7 years in fact!! So excuse me if I don't have the energy to 'entertain' you all night long, how very rude of me!

yes he's slept on the couch for months now, because the baby was waking him up too much, yes seriously!

I went in at 8am alone, delivered at 1:30, was home by 5pm and did bedtimes and nightfeeds that night as normal

I've stopped replying, he's getting annoyed now as the texts are getting sweary

He's still saying I'm over reacting and this is unnecessary, he's agreed to not speak but has said he wants to have a chat when I've 'calmed down'

Yep I know exactly what he will say, I could probably say it all for him, I've heard it approximately 87,000 times before

This is all from about half your original thread. All your own words. This is what he did and what he put you through. And probably not even all of it. And now he wants to be in your bed, then pissing off back to his mums and going out with strippers. Which as evidenced above, he said he would never stop doing.

Find that anger again Capes. This hasn't all gone away.

^ What Skye has copied from what you said^.
It's your life Capes. No-one here is going to judge or be disappointed in you. You must do what is best for you and your children. If it is letting him back into the house and your lives then fair enough.
If the comments above are representative of the negative parts of your relationship, we will just presume that the positives offset this.

They are your words sky has copied.
You said the kids don't want him back. Well there's your answer THE KIDS DON'T WANT HIM BACK
It's your life and whether we are disappointed is immaterial. However, ask yourself in ten years time if your kids will be disappointed in you.
None of the other stuff has gone away. You miss him, no you miss the idea of him. You miss a decent guy who loves you and cherishes you, who loves the kids and does stuff with them. You don't have one of them, you never did. A good man doesn't fuck off to strip clubs and poker nights wasting money that'd be better spent on the kids. He doesn't roll in at 6am being a snide arse. He doesn't leave you to miscarry alone. From the it didn't last long it doesn't even sound like he's much of a shag tbh. Is your opinion of yourself so low this is all you think you're worth.

I'm sorry if I sound rude or harsh but I like you, really like you. I wish you were my mate in RL mainly because I could kick the arse of your wanker of a, I hope still, XP and it hurts me that you're letting him back in.

I know that's daft as its got fuck all to do with me. Please try and stay strong for your kids.

What sky has copied from your posts is exactly that ....... just from your posts.
I don't imagine for a second that you posted everytime the fuckwit pissed you off with his disgusting behaviour. It is the tip of the iceberg!!!!!
He might look hot but he is shit. Utter shit.
Doesn't even sound like the shag was up to much.
Think what you're doing capes. Think what you're doing.

I'd just like to reiterate I am NOT berating you for having sex with him! You are free to make those decisions without judgement. I'm merely attempting to remind you why it wasn't like that when you were together.

"We haven't had sex since May" was in one of your posts.

If you're still wanting to not make this a regular occurrence then think of this time as a "goodbye shag". One last disappointing hurrah for the relationship you thought you were getting when you met him. Hopefully once the emotions from that die down you will feel at peace with letting him go.

Sorry I'm not ignoring you all, I can't read them properly because they're making me cry so I'll come back when the kids are in bed and I'm free to wail away

Ohh noooo don't cry! I'm sorry Capes of course you can take your time to process all this, it's your life and we're all just some twits behind keyboards

[hug]

Capes again no judgement here... but I hope you do know deep down how much better you deserve and can do, this is still raw and lots of emotions involved as time goes on it will change and you will be able to see a future without being treated like crap but someone who should be cherishing you.. as others have said I really like you.. you sound like a wonderful person who is full of laughter and fun.. or at least someone who could be when she isn't being drained of life by a shit eating fuck tard.

Your children don't want him back, that must speak volumes to how bad things really were.. think back to those times, not just the "he looks so hot" I want him.. he hurt you over and over without a second thought, he left you to deal with the most traumatic experience on your own, he went to strip clubs, he wastes money on poker, he uses your home as a hotel and you as a servant to some extent.

It is hard "capes" it will take time, but please give yourself that time to really experience what life could be, and how happy and content you could be.

No one means to make you cry capes I think it's safe to say everyone on this thread cares about you even if we haven't met you, and want what's best for you. But your life is yours to live, we can only comment on it from afar.. we just want you to be happy whichever path that may be... have a

Oh capes if only we could all swing by for tea and interventions.

Oh Capes please don't cry, Sky is right we are just twits behind a keyboard but we're twits who care about you, no one wants to make you feel bad. I can't speak for everyone else but I doubt I'm the only one who will still care about you and be here for you whatever you decide about your relationship, this is your life

Sorry capes, but even the 'I 'don't want to come back in case you throw me out again". shows He hasn't even considered changing. No "I will treat change & you as you deserve"... He has just said you are over reacting.
This is such flagrant manipulation.
Self centred entitled Bastard,

You may love him, but you can't live with him because he doesn't love you, or your children,
Agreed, say the last shag was a test, & he failed it.