NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

[NoCapes]

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

Please remember, skye, that Just Fab is a subscription. You need to "skip" any month when you're not buying stuff, by the 5th (I think) of the month.

It's one of those things like 0% credit cards. They can save you a lot of money if you make them work for you, but they cost a lot of money if you don't get the timings just right.

I know, its between the 1st and the 5th of each month, I'm putting a reminder on my phone!

Sorry to be bossy but I am old enough to be your mum!

Haha that's the second person on here to say that! I am on the younger end of the MN spectrum

Not posted in a while so thought I'd drop a little message to say well done :) so proud of you! Your doing awesomely! X

Hey NoCapes just checking how you're doing with everything! Hope you're having a good day

Also just popping in to see how you are Capey?

Hi!
I'm ok, had a pretty good weekend, was nice to have things to do and feel a little bit of purpose and not bounce around the house not knowing where to put myself!

ExP was back to apologising and asking to come home yesterday after drop off though which tbh just felt a bit ... Awkward
It's like, he knows this isn't what I want, I know he knows that this isn't what I want, yet I'm still standing in front of him saying no it was just wierd

I'm going into hospital on Wednesday and I've made arrangements to get there and back and for people to have the baby/take the kids and pick them up from school, the logistics took quite a lot of effort and yet he's adamant he's taking the day off work and taking me and sorting the kids
Not sure what to do for the best really, don't know if I should be that vulnerable around him or whether it'll get messy
What do you all think?

How are you doing sky?

Glad you had a good weekend Capes. If you've got everything sorted for hospital, I'd tell him no, it feels like he's using your vulnerability to worm his way back in. Do what is best for you and the kids.

Sorry capes but no, you really shouldn't let him take you to the hospital, I hate to think bad of someone I don't know but my gut feeling is it's manipulation; he's doing it to get in your good books and weedle his way in when you're vulnerable. Much as it is shit going alone, we're all behind you for genuine, if internet randommer, support.

Agree with aye nothing new there he wants to play the good guy, go ott in looking after you, but as soon as he's got his foot back in the door it'll all disappear. Been there, done that, please learn from my experience! It also puts you right on the back foot as you feel doubly like you should try and get that version of him back because he was just there! where'd he go? He left because he got what he wanted!

I'm good! DD had her first afternoon with XP and it went well! He even came back 5 minutes early Apparently she was getting tired she was shattered so she must have been grumpy enough for him to want to bring her back

Hope this week goes just as well for you Capes it's so confusing when someone treats you so badly but you still have feelings for them, I learned that today! Hopefully that eases off for the both of us soon

sorry capes have to agree i think hes usingit as a way to get back in-the good guy role

hope youre ok btw

Hello. Hope you're well. Let him babysit on his day off.. Don't take him with you to hospital. Take your DM. Keep your boundaries. Of course you probably have mixed feelings about him. Especially if he is acting all nice and supportive. Acting is all it is. If she had the smallest modicum of right on his side he'd be acting hurt or wronged.

As it is he's lost a comfortable home with a supportive and lovely woman who let him live his life any way he can.

Your story has really resonated with me in so many ways, one of which is having to watch probably the nicest gentlest member of my family bullied and ground down by an abusive husband. he is so used to having his own way he now has no qualms about openly abusing her before our eyes. Over the years we have taken him to task in different ways over his treatment of her and she was the one who suffered in every instance. He ruins family events all the time but we love her so much we put up with it too. At Christmas time he was drunk and maudlin and actually said to me I sometimes wish I was a better man, I wish I treated her better. I took this opportunity to say well just fucking do it then. Next day he was hungover and if anything worse than ever. Sometimes my DH and I talk about how much better off she'd be without him. She has mechanisms to stay sane but tells me that the love is long long gone. He has her convinced that everyone would turn their back on her if she left him. And that he would ruin her. He wouldn't though we would make sure of that.

Don't be 20 years down the line and a shadow of yourself. You're strong and about to turn a corner. Keep on going Capes. Turn that corner and leave that tosser hanging behind. He will never have it so good again. You on the other hand have all sorts of possibilities.

Capes please don't let him take you. If you do he'll use it to worm his away back. He'll bring you home then want to sit for a while to make sure you're okay, then he'll offer to put the kids to bed. Next thing you know he'll be saying it's late, he'll sleep on the couch, he wants to be there if you need him. Then he'll just never leave.

Thanks for that story helenatroy it's really resonated with me...

I hope your family member finds her way out. It's never too late

I don't know why I asked you know, I knew what you'd all say ha

I agree that his motives probably aren't as good as he's making out

Just to clarify he wasn't coming with me, with either arrangement I'll be on my own, so you all better be online!

sky so glad he's still on the charm offensive, it's so hard isn't it, I almost wish he was being an arse at least the anger would get us through then
You're doing amazingly though! Keep your chin up, even when it's shut, just fake it till you make it - that's my new life motto ha

helena that is so so sad
I have been told more than once that I'm a different person when we're in a relationship than when we're not
I can almost feel it sucking the life out of me at times
I really hope it isn't too late to drag myself back
I hope your family member finds the strength one day, maybe discreetly direct her here

Hell yes we'll all be here, every step of the way Capes. I'm sorry if I sounded bossy saying not to let him in, I was just worried he'd make the most of you being poorly. It occurred to me that if he'd only been so considerate last time you had to go to hospital we probably wouldn't be having this conversation. Major hand holding available 24/7 via here

When is your appointment? I'll probably be free

I'm glad he's being nice for DDs sake but it does make things more complicated for my poor feelings

I'm so looking forward to Freedom Programme next week, it reminds me that I'm not going crazy and what XP did really was wrong. I highly recommend it to you! If you contact someone like Women's Aid or similar and tell them you're interested, you can get them to call you/send you a letter when one is starting in your area. They also have a creche!

Don't let him take you to the hospital! YOU DO NOT NEED HIM OP.

Sorry for shouting but there's been a lull in the storm and I don't want you to forget that you have left him and he is a prick.

He is trying everything to wheedle his way back in when you are feeling vulnerable. What he should Be doing/ asking is what can he do to help (look after DCs/ stay the fuck away from you) and listening to you.

Don't forget the reality of how your life was, and would be again.

I've got to be there at 8 and I won't know where I am on the surgery list until the day, so there'll be lots of waiting around, hope they have wifi

DD told me last night that she liked it better when Daddy didn't live here because he's nicer, but she wished he was nice when he lived here because then she wouldn't have to miss him when he left
Boom! Right in the feels

I've never heard of the freedom program, think it was suggested a few pages back aswell, I'll have to have a Google

I know double all is a bit too calm isn't it, I did sit and do a little mental list of all the reasons he's gone the other day, I actually do have to keep reminding myself, can feel myself getting into dangerous territory

It's not too late Capes! I can feel the old me coming back stronger each day! It's not a perfect record, sometimes I slip back, but the overall process is positive. I know this as my mum and stepdad were emotionally abusive. Suffered with it from the age of 6 till I left for uni at 18. Spoke to/saw DM a handful of times but went NC before the age of 19. Pulled myself out of depression and was doing really well until fuckwit of an XP strolls into my life when I was 20 and drags me back down again... Now I'm just going to work on myself before getting into ANY more relationships My point though, is that you can always get yourself back! Doesn't matter how long it's gone on for. It's never too late

Marian Keyes once said when you're going through hell, keep on going.

NoCapes, can't believe you've been going through all this, just seen thread in active.
Thinking of you