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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

993 replies

NoCapes · 18/09/2016 13:17

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

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Thread gallery
11
Hidingtonothing · 22/09/2016 09:41

He doesn't hate you (well, not until you let on you think he's an insufferable cunt anyway!) he just stupidly thought he could be the real him in front of you and you would still stay. So glad you've disabused him of that notion but the nice guy act he puts on to everyone else is just that, an act.

0SometimesIWonder · 22/09/2016 09:44

skyyequake and nocapes - I am so humbled by your strength and courage; I'm not qualified to comment other than to wish you both (and all others in same position as you are and were) all the best and that I am rooting for you from the sidelines.

VelvetThunder · 22/09/2016 09:53

I love your reply to him! Amazing. He always has perfect timing to show what an utter cunt he is every time you have a wobble.
He's not even good at trying to win you back when he knows he's already lost ypu, so it just show what a useless prick he really is doesn't it.
As always, well done to you capes Flowers Brew

NoCapes · 22/09/2016 10:28

Thank you

And Grin to you're not bloody Starbucks!

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PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 22/09/2016 10:33

I think it's time you lawyered up, frankly. He's still lot taking you seriously, and we now know there are debts, probably some very serious ones.

Get a credit report done on both you and him.

I'm trying to remember back to before we called him Twunt or cockwomble, etc, back when you at least were calling him D-something. Anyway, can't remember if he was H or P but even if the latter, it is possible for him to drag you down into debt - depends on how linked your finances were. At any rate, this sounds hugely unstable, financially, so do whatever you can ASAp to lock things in place. I'd also really give ponder to garnishing the entirety of joint savings (or whatever he had in your account, I think it was?...). I know normally that's not "fair", but this isn't normal.

You're lucky in that he's texted you proof that he gambles. This, combined with the evidence of frequency, sneakiness, gaslighting, etc, add up to a most unpleasant picture that Family Court would love to see. Finally, just to crank up the hysteria a notch (sorry) - with whom does he gambles and where? Online? Casino? Mates' house? Illegal gambling den? Depending on the kind of people he owes, life could get very unsafe, and you're well within your rights not to let the children alone with him. Gblers aren't the gentlemen we know from the film's and even our own parents' recollections from the 50s, 60s, 70s - these fuckers will not scruple to leave women and children out of their enforcement techniques.

GabsAlot · 22/09/2016 10:49

definitely dont let him chill (wtf) at your house who does he think he is

an yes to getting legal advice-dont engage with him anymore unless its about the kids

skyyequake · 22/09/2016 11:25

I'm good Capes! Been working out stuff still, gonna update my thread in a mo!

Hold onto your rage! It will get you through. If you can't find it for yourself then find it for your DC. He's essentially told you that he doesn't give a shit about whether he lives with his own kids! I'm not saying he should be in your face about it, but you would at least expect some sorrow at the fact that he won't get to see them every day. But he hasn't! Because he didn't see them every day anyway, and now anyone who asks, he can blame you and say that he doesn't see them much because you chucked him out!

If you really feel the itch to reply to him telling you that you'll realise you made a mistake, or want him back, I think a simple "don't hold your breath" would be the best response!

Flowers thinking of you

Funko · 22/09/2016 11:39

Hey nocapes! Just read your updates. What a waste of space he is!

Something to consider carefully and perhaps discussing with him at a suitable point in the future. It's quite clear he was slipping out of the house at night... Whether that be with other women or gambling etc... At this point it's by the by. However, if it is gambling and has turned to a serious addiction. I'd be concerned about over night stays with the kids. Is he monumentally stupid enough to 'pop out' when the kids are all in bed leaving them alone?

I'd be mindful of raising it carefully, most definitely in writing (text, email etc) so you get a response you can keep should it actually be a cause to concern in the future. I expect even he isn't stupid enough to do that but it's certainly worth keeping in mind.

And great job on the the insufferable cunt text btw Grin

RandomMess · 22/09/2016 13:32

Please tell me you have the CMS and CTC and housing benefit claims all in hand - this man needs the CMS set up formally long before he ends up bankrupt with his gambling debts...

Doublemint · 22/09/2016 17:35

Oooh just updated myself! Go go capes

Mix56 · 22/09/2016 17:45

He could also host Poker evenings at a future date.... Not a great environment for the children.
The problem is, as he is a confirmed liar, any promises & outraged blustering of "I would never do that" are only worth the hot air that he puffs.

ayeokthen · 22/09/2016 17:46

Can I just chill at your house? Eh naw bawbag it's MY house! How are you and the kids today Capes?

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 09:19

Hi! Most delayed response ever Blush

He doesn't owe people he has credit cards and loans so no dodgy people and all of his debt isn't from gambling, I really don't think he has any kind of addiction
He also wouldn't host poker nights, he doesn't play like that he takes it quite seriously so plays in casinos and he does tournaments and things
The poker isn't a huge problem at all tbh

Anyway you know I said I wasn't going to engage with him? Well what about when he asks about the kids? I feel like I shouldn't ignore that really Confused

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DoinItFine · 23/09/2016 09:22

What did he ask them?

ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 09:25

You don't have to ignore when he asks about the kids, you can tell him whatever he needs to know about them and contact. XH used to use asking about DS to maintain a dialogue with me, now I can't remember the last time he contacted me outside "his time" unless it's to tell me he's not coming or fuck about with the times. Hope you're ok Capes x

GlitteryFluff · 23/09/2016 09:52

Keep messages about the kids only and very short. Don't engage about anything else.

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 09:56

Yeah I've been trying to literally just answer questions

Doin just asking how they are/did baby sleep well/how did swimming lessons go etc etc

I'm sure this amount of interest won't last anyway so I'll just answer him for now

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ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 10:16

You sound a bit flat Capes, are you ok?

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 10:22

I'm ok aye
I do feel a bit flat, I'm starting to see just how little I really have in my life now it's just me all the time
In trying to keep busy and get out and speak to people, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not really involved - if that makes sense?

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ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 10:26

It does make sense, it's been such a manic, adrenaline filled few weeks that a massive anti climax is really tough to take. I get it, I felt like that after XH left too. This is where you have the opportunity to make yourself a whole new life, on your terms, doing what you want. You've been through a really stressful ordeal, don't be too hard on yourself Capes. If going through the motions is what gets you through the day, then that's ok. We're all here if you need us, no judgement, no opinions, just shitloads of support and a listening ear. You're doing amazing, even if it doesn't feel like it yet, you are.

NoCapes · 23/09/2016 10:29

Thankyou aye Smile
You're all so lovely, I wish you were my real life friends
I feel bad I haven't been posting much, I just feel a bit blah! It's a nice feeling to know if I need to talk that I know there's always someone here though, that really is really really helping Smile

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ayeokthen · 23/09/2016 10:31

It's funny Capes, I feel like we've all forged a close bond on this thread, like we are "real" friends. No pressure to update or anything, just know we're here, any time.

GabsAlot · 23/09/2016 11:11

no presure to post capes its not a soap its your life

hope u have a good day x

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/09/2016 11:47

Glad to hear about the non-heavies. Smile

As to "flat", completely understandable. Actually, isn't that preferred to too much excitement? Remember the old Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times"? Grin

Just keep at it, the going out and seeing people. You'll get traction before you know it.

In the meamtime, Brew

Mix56 · 23/09/2016 12:26

Capes, he is niggling with these texts to keep you replying. , how the baby slept? He couldn't give a toss how he slept, even when he lived there he would have been incapable of knowing (sleeping on the sofa/sneaking out), or caring.
For the rest, say they are fine, they haven't noticed any difference. (why would they?)
Any chit chat, he can do it with them in person on his next visit.
ignore, Ignore. What about the Freedom programme for you too ? you can do it online if there is not a local one (Skyye says there's a creche !)
Can you contact your old friend who moved? you can re connect, old friends are for life even if geographically distant.
Chin Up Capes, in will take a bit of time to adapt.