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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NoCapes thread 2 - No cape necessary

993 replies

NoCapes · 18/09/2016 13:17

Can't believe we've filled up a whole thread
But I'm still not ready to be without you all yet ...

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Thread gallery
11
Original poster
NoCapes · 20/09/2016 22:15

I don't now if my mirror is big enough Mix

OP posts:
Mix56 · 20/09/2016 22:17

Go Girl !

myfriendnigel · 20/09/2016 22:18

Good posts mix... Wise woman.
Absolutely to grieving the life you thought you were going to have and to the idea of him, but not the reality.
And great that you can still see the positives of him not being there capes-whilst acknowledging that you are bound to feel a bit low.
this is all so hard to navigate. So it's good that mama capes is shoving cake down your neck as at least you'll have the energy to have a good go at it.still doing great Capey...

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/09/2016 22:25

Oh you poor thing. You've hardly drawn breath in the last week. It's been a mad charge and the adrenaline wearing off does leave a 'down'. After a trauma people do have physical reactions. It will stop bouncing around soon.
Has anyone who knows you in RL made any negative comment? Said what a great guy he is?
He didn't miss you when you were losing the baby in hospital did he? :(
Didn't miss you last Saturday night when he was out God knows where did he?

LadyMumble · 20/09/2016 22:29

NoCapes you have been such an inspiration that even Angelina Jolie has decided to ltb! WinkBetcha that's your influence.

skyyequake · 20/09/2016 22:33

I don't think you need a huge long list. I think you need one point written somewhere you can see it.

"He left me to miscarry alone."

Because to me, even if none of that other shit happened (and it did, you shouldn't forget that) but leaving you on that day is the cruelest most heartless thing I have ever heard of. I literally gasped out loud and covered my mouth with my hand in horror when I read that post.

GabsAlot · 20/09/2016 22:38

yes agree with skye and not only that u had to com home an look after the others like nothing had happened

Original poster
NoCapes · 20/09/2016 22:53

I don't know whether it's just that I haven't processed it properly yet but I honestly don't feel like him not coming to hospital with me was that bad, he was at home with the kids he wasn't pissing about or anything
Seeing how horrified everyone on here was has made me think that my non reaction to that was a bit odd
I could list 4 or 5 other things that have affected me more ist off the top of my head tbh
I don't know, maybe I'm just numb to it all now

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 20/09/2016 22:53

Mumble I so hope I'm responsible for the Brangelina divorce - Team Jen Grin

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skyyequake · 20/09/2016 23:01

But was he really any more effective at looking after the kids as a pretty substandard babysitter? I mean he just handed 'em right back to you when you got home after going through all that. I'm sure Mama Capes would have looked after them no problem so that he could go with you.

If you're feeling numb right now that's probably for the best. You've dealt with so much recently, let yourself recover before delving into those feelings. Wait till you have the emotional space to breathe and grieve.

myfriendnigel · 20/09/2016 23:04

To me that seemed pretty bad capes...but when that is happening to you it's hard to know what you feel about anything.the person you love and that loves you should pick up that slack and be there with you.and if that means organising some child care to do so, then that shouldn't be beyond the wit of man. But that's just my opinion... Not trying to project or tell you what to think.

myfriendnigel · 20/09/2016 23:07

It would be epic if you were the inspiration that finally gave Ange the impetus to ditch Brad.
(Also very strongly in the Jen camp, though I've come round to Angelina more of late)

skyyequake · 20/09/2016 23:09

I don't think we should have Team Jen and Team Ange. I think we should have TeamNotBrad Grin

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/09/2016 23:10

How many weeks pregnant were you? And he dropped you off then looked after the dc while you were in hospital? Then you came home the same day and carried on as normal? Is that right? And he went out?
If there was no other choice but for him to stay home with the dc I could understand it. But I would have expected cossetting and a lot of rest at home.

Original poster
NoCapes · 20/09/2016 23:27

TeamNotBrad - perfect!

Giddy I was 16 weeks
Yes he dropped me off and picked me up from hospital, when we got home I sorted the kids and put them to bed then I took the baby to bed with me and he slept on the couch so I did the night with baby
I don't know if he went out tbh, he's quite offen wait till I was in bed then go out and he back before I woke up (heard him a few times and he never mentioned it the next morning, so I presumed it was a regular thing, especially once I found his hidden outfits when I was packing)
This was on a Thursday, on the Friday he went to work and then when he got in I heard him on the phone arranging to go out that night but I absolutely lost my shit with him and he didn't ... That I'm aware of anyway
He went out at the weekend and tbh the whole thing wasn't really mentioned again

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 20/09/2016 23:32

He really does seem like another child.
Babysitting for you and when you come home after losing the baby, then going out as usual. Shocking.

If he was in the least considerate he would have been home cooking, cleaning and taking care of you all if he gave the tiniest shit.
He contributed so little.
He continues to do so.

If there is to be any kind of reunion in future he has to do things differently, and the utter utter selfishness seems so entrenched...and so far off the beam....that i don't know if it is even possible to change!

I believe you are better off starting from scratch. Someone new in future. I think continuing will mean more heartache, although that's your decision to make when you want to make it.

Look into therapies for yourself, get all the help you can.
Baggage reclaim is a good site to begin with, and recommended quite a bit on here.

If you do/don't get back, work on yourself is never wasted.

Littlelostdinosaur · 20/09/2016 23:43

As sky said, I was hand over mouth to read that he left you to go through that alone and then come home to sort everyone out. I can't imagine how you must have felt and have not even had time to grieve and deal with it all.
I completely understand you saying you don't feel it was that bad, so if you need to hear it - it was. For perspective, when I was in the last few months of pregnancy I suffered wth an ongoing pelvic injury which pretty much incapacitated me, my oh took almostn3 months off work sick to look after our little boy and run around after me. I could have done it, it hurt and I was slow but He wouldn't let me. He cooked, cleaned and did everything for Ds, and that's what should happen. You should be a team.
In the midst of that I also lost my dad, not anywhere in the same league as a miscarriage but again he dropped every thing. If he'd have left me to run the house that night or even the proceeding days, nothing would have happened I just couldn't have done it. This is what you deserve, and your children deserve. And it's what you can have now, you don't have to put up with a substandard abusive relationship. You can have true happiness, and I hope that it isn't too long (obvs when you want to!) before you find it Flowers X

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/09/2016 23:45

I had a few mc at 8 weeks which is a whole different ball game and DH took better care of me than you got.
I want to hospital alone a couple of years later for a gynae procedure under a GA by choice. DH took several days off to do the childcare and I stayed in bed and pottered about at home. That had no emotional aspect.
None of these are comparable to giving birth at 16 weeks either physically or emotionally.
You should have been looked after.
Do you know if the baby was a boy or a girl? Did the baby have a name?

Mix56 · 21/09/2016 07:44

I understand about the MC. You were more worried about the children than yourself.
When my Dad died I was in shock, my heart literally hurt.(& does as I type) My H was at home & fed the kids after school ,(his parents on the doorstep) I flew home to the funeral alone. at the time, it made sense, the kids were OK, they didn't need to see me this way & my hurt was such a deep personal agony I couldn't be held. I almost needed to be alone. I could not share it.

However, I now feel it was appalling to have let me get on that plane alone.
Capes Keep looking forward, if the his implication over MC didn't hurt you, then don't over think it. Why eak out the pain?
But make that list with all the things that have stabbed you through your heart & use those.
(He SNUCK out a night? but he was on the sofa as the baby stopped him sleeping, NOT...... WTAF ? this alone, is sufficient.)

skyyequake · 21/09/2016 09:40

Hope you're feeling ok today NoCapes Flowers

ReySkywalker · 21/09/2016 12:50

I was so sad to hear he left everything to you after you came home from hospital.
A time when a decent person, even if they weren't the father, would have made your feelings the top priority & comforted you left you to do the crap day to day work on your own. Honestly a decent stranger would've been nicer to you.
I hope this isn't upsetting, I'm so admiring of your strength

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 21/09/2016 12:55

I don't post often on Mumsnet but feel compelled to now. NoCapes, I have read your journey with my heart in my mouth. You are amazing.

You are allowed to have your wobbles. That's human.

But I am so glad you found your anger. Hold onto it. How dare he treat you like a goddamn servant. How dare he blatantly disrespect you by staying out all night, then belittle you in front of your children for not meekly greeting him when he rolls home in the morning. How dare he treat your home like a hostel. How dare he insult you like that, coming home with make-up on his shirt and telling you paranoia isn't attractive when you dare to question his outrageous behaviour.

How bloody DARE he.

How dare he not pull his weight at home? He sleeps on the sofa because he doesn't like the baby waking him up!? MY GOD. I've known a fair few selfish man-children in my life but your exDP really sounds like he is in a league of his own. How dare he not take care of his own child??? You go through pregnancy and childbirth to bring his children into the world - but he can't be bothered to get up off his lazy arse to give his own child a night feed? Not even ONCE?

He really is a spectacularly awful partner. Like, exceptionally bad.

I can absolutely promise you this. You will never look back and think "God, I should have hung onto that one."

Mix56 · 21/09/2016 16:45

snort, thats an understatement Whoever....God, I should have hung onto that one."
I needed a laugh !

Original poster
NoCapes · 21/09/2016 18:45

Hi!
I did read the messages last night but I'll be honest I got a bit upset so I just logged off
Anyway, feel much better today Smile

However ... He's here! In my house, seeing the kids
I'm trying to avoid him and his snide little dogs as much as possible but it all just feels so weird!!
The kids (and the dog 🙄) are absolutely beside themselves because he's actually playing with them and talking to them though, which is lovely
We really need to have a chat about contact and figure something out, long term him being in my house just isn't going to work

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skyyequake · 21/09/2016 18:49

How come he's in the house?? Are you going to be able to talk to him rationally about it? Would mediation be something to consider?