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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anybody else stuck in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons?

71 replies

BlessThisMess · 11/09/2016 22:42

After a long, slow deterioration of our relationship, I really want to leave my husband. But I simply can't see how to afford to do so. I will figure it out one day, I'm sure, and am working towards it, but in the meantime I'm stuck here. Anyone else? Perhaps we can encourage and support one another.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessThisMess · 12/09/2016 10:52

Bumping for the daytime crowd, I hope!

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 12/09/2016 11:01

I feel the same op. I discovered my DH arranging to met his mates ex for a drink when he was out, its been a hellish couple of days and I threw him out. I'm beyond devasted I'm broken. I have a 5 month old a 3year and an 8 year old ( who was from a relationship who his dad left me for ow) so I been through it before.

I can't fianically be on my own with childcare and returning to work it was different when I just had one DC. I feel trapped in a life that was a lie I'm pretty depressed and abiding my time till the DC are older and I build up the courage to leave, I know I sound pathetic.

Original poster
BlessThisMess · 12/09/2016 12:15

Sorry to hear that Starry. I don't have an immediate crisis but just don't see a way at the moment to be able to manage financially on my own so I feel chronically stressed living with someone I don't want to be with any more. I am looking at increasing my working hours but that has knock-on effects with childcare etc. It's all so common located. Can you see any way forward?

OP posts:
Starryeyed16 · 12/09/2016 14:04

I just don't know, I don't think I would be the same with him it's hard I still love him. I just think like an idiot

mrsteapot83 · 12/09/2016 14:39

I'm so sorry to hear that OP. Have you been together long and have you any children?
Is there no way you can try and speak to him to see if there is room for improvement?

UpYerGansey · 12/09/2016 16:17

Hi BlessThis there are quite a few of us deep in this mess over on the Not Awful marriage thread.
H and I are up to our oxters in debt. We can't afford to run two households - indeed can barely manage one...
It's horrendously stressful. In the last few months I've had several UTI's and also an outbreak of excema/psoriasis on my hands - all down to stress.
I just try to take best care of myself as I can because I see no way out of this mess without compromising my children's lives (grubby flat at best), or leaving them behind me with him, and there's no way I'm doing that! To rent a place where I live would cost as much as the mortgage we can barely afford and we don't have a flash lifestyle by any means.
You have my sympathy. It is hell.

Original poster
BlessThisMess · 12/09/2016 19:49

Mrsteapot - yes, 26 years married and 2 kids (12 &15). I have tried everything. Hundreds of pounds spent on couple counselling earlier this year, and that was about our third try. Endless hours spent talking and trying to find a way through, but there are just certain important things on which we can't find any way through. I am so tired of living with someone who is so gloomy, negative and a joy-killer. My parents split up when I was a child and I swore blind I would never ever put my kids through the same, but honestly this is half-killing me, and probably him too.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessThisMess · 12/09/2016 19:58

Hi Upyer, thanks and I will take a look at that thread. The financial things are so complicated. If I got half the value of our house, I would only be able to buy a shared ownership property and would therefore still have rent to pay. If I retained any of the capital I would not get housing benefit. To earn enough money to keep us and pay the rent, I would have to find full-time work, but my DD1 has particular issues and can't cope with school so is home educated. In a couple of years it will be easier, but aargh for now!

OP posts:
UpYerGansey · 12/09/2016 21:15

Where I live, I'd be entitled to absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be considered for social housing, and even if I was, the wait-list is years long. I don't know what the solution is. I really hate how my life has turned out, but I'm trying to keep my head above water and not drink which was my escape for too long
Outside of a lotto win I don't know what the answer is

DraughtyWindow · 13/09/2016 10:18

It took me 8 years to leave. (5 years ago). I left and rented. I wasn't married, stupidly wasn't on the deeds, so although I have no property I have my sanity. He pays £60 a month maintenance. DD stays twice weekly with him. I earn too much for benefits and struggle every month. He now has a nice 4 bed detached house with his partner and 2yo DS. Up to my eyeballs in debt. It's tough on your own but I cope most days. I do it for my DD. I'm knackered though!

UpYerGansey · 13/09/2016 11:31

I would be quite happy living on my own (I think)
I don't think my children would be happy to leave their home (and all their creature comforts!!) to live in a flat with me Sad - and how could I blame them. They love their Dad. I'm sure they'd miss me, but they'd miss their rooms, the wifi, the telly and all that too.

I really do wonder what it's all for somedays. I just stick it out for my teenager, who really does need me there sometimes.
My husband is a quite controlling 'takes over everything' kind of person and has somehow displaced me in my own home, which is something I really struggle with. And I can't even pinpoint exactly how he did it. But I carry some blame because I drank a bottle of wine most nights for a long time to escape the loneliness. He sits in front of a computer screen all evening once the kids are in bed and has done so for years and years. He has no hobbies, friends, and his family live far away so he never goes to visit them. He is always here, and never here, at the same time.

I hide in my own room a lot, just to keep away from him.

Sorry for the rant....

Original poster
BlessThisMess · 13/09/2016 17:11

Draughty, I think I could maybe make it work except that my DD1 has a very expensive hobby which is her whole life and that's the thing that I don't think I could afford, and yet I truly cannot jeopardise it for her as her mental health would greatly suffer. DH is retired so legally does not have to pay any maintenance.

Upyer - yes, a lottery win would be really useful! In our house I'm the one who has hidden behind a screen for years as I don't want to talk to him. It is since his retirement that things have gone really bad as he is at home all the time and just never goes anywhere. It was manageable when I only saw him for a couple of hours each evening.

OP posts:
DraughtyWindow · 13/09/2016 22:23

My DD has ASD, dyslexia and dyspraxia. She has a pony. (That's our expensive hobby) We scrape by but it's worth it. Smile
No new clothes, no holidays, no nice new car. Getting up at stupid hours in the winter to muck out. But we manage. Somehow!

HappyJanuary · 13/09/2016 22:40

It must be awful to feel trapped in a relationship you don't want, for any reason. But I also feel so sad for your partners. Surely they would hate to think that their wife or partner was only with them for financial reasons, or for the children. Maybe some of them are bastards, but some of them must be decent men that you just don't love anymore. I think the only fair thing is to let them go and find someone who loves them properly. It seems unfair to allow them to waste their lives on you, all the while knowing you will leave as soon as you are able to, just not yet because you don't want to compromise your lifestyle.

I guess I am biased because when I discovered DH's affair he said he'd spent several years feeling unhappy and plotting to leave, but stayed out of financial duty and for the children. It's very hurtful.

rememberthetime · 13/09/2016 23:10

Me too. But an managing to leave. But only just. I have worked incredibly hard to increase my income to a ppint I can sustain myself. But now feel guilty that he is going to be worse off too. Despite him being emotionally abusive.

UpYerGansey · 14/09/2016 07:13

happy I'd be quite pleased if my husband left me for someone else. I'd be happy for him. But he won't go. We've had "the conversation" and nobody is under any illusions in my house. We literally can't afford to run two households and that is the ugly truth.

Isetan · 14/09/2016 08:30

DH is retired so legally does not have to pay any maintenance. This statement doesn't add up, this country would be overflowing with 'retired' men, if this was all that was needed to legally avoid providing for their children.

mum11970 · 14/09/2016 08:49

I'm stuck too. House mortgaged to the hilt to pay for dh's business. Don't work and not a penny to my name. 18 yr old off to uni next week but still have 15 and 11 year at home. Dh has a list of hobbies he does when not working long hours and agrees to me babysitting grandkids (dsd's children) without even asking if I mind. Highlight of the week is trip to Asda on Friday to do the weekly shop. Just feel like another of his employees and completely taken for granted. Am desperate to leave but can't see how. Life is flamin shit and I can't see a way to change it.

UpYerGansey · 14/09/2016 11:02

mum11970 - omg I'm feeling the rage reading your post! It's time for you to stand up to him and take (at least some!) of your life back.

Contact the dsd and tell them from now on, they need to check with you before taking in any children. And it's time to consider getting yourself out of the house, no? Upskilling/volunteering anything to get you out into the world and start living for yourself again!! Your 15 and 11yo's are old enough to manage without your being in the house 24/7/265

I wish you all the luck in the world.

rememberthetime · 14/09/2016 11:06

This is depressing reading. How have all of us women managed to get into these situations. Something is wrong that we are all so stuck. i will certainly be advising my daughter to have her own work and income at all times. She cannot be left as vulnerable as I was. The thing is that we all thought life was going to be beautiful at home with the kids - then suddenly our husbands turned out to be something we didn't expect.

UpYerGansey · 14/09/2016 12:26

I work full time. We are mortgaged to the hilt, and he (therefore we) have huge debt. I took "a time-out" after ds was born, and we were racking up 1k in debt every month I was out, according to h. He didn't tell me that, or I would have gone back to work. He blames me - of course.
We don't go on fancy holidays, have an ancient car, and have one (reasonably ok but by no means huge or swish) house.
We both have good jobs. We are both deep into overdraft every month due to debt servicing. We still pay half the monthly mortgage on childcare every month.

babba2014 · 14/09/2016 13:20

I feel very sad for all of you. I don't have problems with DH but where we live is awful. We can't get anywhere. In your situation, can't even say leave and claim benefits as this year there are huge changes and lots of single mums out of work will be hundreds of pounds in debt to rent each month.
I hope you find all find a solution

KarmaNoMore · 14/09/2016 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BlessThisMess · 14/09/2016 14:26

Isetan - not just 'retired' but claiming the State Pension.
HappyJanuary -no illusions in this house either. We've had months and months of counselling on more than one occasion. He knows how I feel. He seems to have made an inner vow to never ever leave no matter what. Maybe that is admirable - or maybe he just has no belief in himself that it would ever be anything other than miserable and
lonely for him. He is more free to leave than I am - as he could afford it.

OP posts:
DraughtyWindow · 14/09/2016 14:26

Yes, you have to start somewhere. It depends what you want from your life. What's important to you. No one ever enters into a relationship thinking this will happen. The abuse normally starts when the woman is pregnant. The only advice I can give is to those embarking on relationships where a child is a possibility. Just make sure you're never reliant on your partner for finances! That's what I'm teaching my DD. Then you always have a choice. It took me 8 years of working my way up to be able to earn enough to support us both. If your relationship is really that bad, you'll do what's necessary. If you have family, then you're very lucky. I have none. I did it. It's hard and still is, but it's achievable if you put your mind to it. Wishing you all well.