Anybody else stuck in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons?

[BlessThisMess]

After a long, slow deterioration of our relationship, I really want to leave my husband. But I simply can't see how to afford to do so. I will figure it out one day, I'm sure, and am working towards it, but in the meantime I'm stuck here. Anyone else? Perhaps we can encourage and support one another.

[Perch]

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[Mybabyboy811]

I came across your post, from what looks like about 3 years ago. I sincerely hope you have found a way to be happy. I connected with your situation, and wonder if you have any tips or words of wisdom since your original post.
I’m searching for answers online after what feels like, yet again, the last straw to push me into leaving my husband. I just can’t seem to find my way out. We are so far in debt, we never know if/how our bills will get paid. We’ve used payday loans in attempt to catch up, and at this point I’ve lost track, and will have minimal left from my next payvheck. We have a 4 year old son (only child) who is the most amazing boy, and it breaks my heart to think about splitting his family up. I never truly knew love before this baby boy, I’m sure like many mothers! I’ve been here many times in our 11 years together, but continued to hang on. Now with a child involved and our tremendous financial distress, I have no way to leave. He has (in a drunken state) threatened to make sure I never see my child again if I leave. I have no options. I realize that an unhappy marriage can be worse than a “happy divorce.” If I leave with my son, we don’t have the money/ financial stability to survive. If I choose to leave without my boy, my husband has made it clear that he will take him from me. I hear people say usually the court favors this or that. This is my whole world....my baby boy...he is everything to me. I feel hopeless. Not to be cliche, but I’d rather be unhappy than cause my so. An ounce of pain. I have no way to leave. Tomorrow my husband will continue to criticize me, be hateful, ignore me, insult me...never abusive. Maybe someone has advice when you’re broke (don’t qualify for government assistance, we are not “low income” - btw, bizarre to me when they have no idea the cost of my housing payment, phone bill, preschool (big one here, almost $1000 a month), medical bills, travel costs (I travel for work, and wait for reimbursement), etc....So not looking for the suggestion that financial assistance is available. Apparently I “make too much money”....promise you that isn’t the case. My account in negative $96 right now, and payday is still 3 days away.
I’m sure I’ve missed important pieces of the puzzle. I’m so unhappy in this so-called marriage, I can’t see straight anymore. Appreciate suggestions or words of encouragement.

[Stillfunny]

To all these younger women, please make your financial plans to go. You still have the capability to earn your own money.
In my 50s , nearly 30 years married. Well and truly stuck. SAHM for years, unable to work for MH reasons, but DH was always a big earner.
Until he wasn't. Mortgage not paid off, to split leaves both of us in shit.
Now midlife crisis affairs and deceit mean I cant stand him. Big enough house to live separately
Just biding my time, wishing I could win the lottery.!.

[ItsMeLaura]

Please gather the courage and leave. It will be a lot easier now than 10 years later. I wanted to leave when my oldest was 2 years old but was too scared. I lived thousands of miles away in a different country. I wish I was brave enough to just go. Here it is 28 years later and a few kids extra. He threatened to keep them from me the few times over the years I said I was going to leave. I'm stuck and it will be way more difficult than it would have been in my early 20s with only one child and not such a huge gap in work experience. Find a way to save enough for a bus or train ticket at least.

I found a part-time job but I don't make enough to live on my own. I like it and don't want to leave it but I'm going to need to move to a more affordable area. Right now the majority of my income is going to savings. The job my husband currently has would allow me to leave but he is unhappy in it and he's going to school to be a licensed counselor. In a year he's going to have to start interning full time so all that income will be gone. He's screwing us over. We have so much debt. We'll lose that income and our dental and vision insurance. If he thinks I'm going to support him financially after all he's put me through he's crazy. Even after he finishes school and starts his new career his income will be 25 to 30 percent of what it is now. Right now I have to lie to him about leaving because I need time to save money. I need at least another year at this job before I move. I am getting a promotion in a couple months but it's still going to be part time. Don't wait until you're 40 or 50. Be brave. Don't be scared like me.

Now after all these years I'm not scared if being homeless or living in a crappy place. I have spent the majority of the past 30 years depressed. Don't stay with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. Its not worth the damage. Trust me I know and so do my two oldest children. That is the biggest regret for me is my boys having to live through all that.

[CarolsSecretCookieRecipe]

It's so hard to know what to do for the best isn't it, itssnowjoke2me? I fluctuate all the time, depending who I've spoken to IRL. It always comes down to money, or lack of it.

[Itssnowjoke2me]

Hi not read through whole thread sorry but wanted to say hello because I've just posted a thread about separating from my H of 5 years (together 8). I was absolutely certain we were separating, I had a vision in my head how I thought I would cope finantially. Now that is all up in the air as other posters have brought up issues that I hadn't considered. Like just how expensive a divorce actually is. Also that I wouldn't automatically take over mortgage if he comes off, and I wouldn't pass the mortgage calculator on my own. My finaces would be made up of my part time wages, maintenance and any additional benefits I might be able to claim. This might not be enough as the benefits might not be counted in mortgage calculation. Then there's the nursery fees I had wondered if H would pay towards these also but I've been told no. My idea was to separate for two years then try and up my work hours so I would be better off but this would increase childcare costs so I feel a bit stuck. I want to separate but now I'm really having to think about the financial side more seriously. If I go ahead with this and then find myself in a mess with money with no home and have to upheave my family to a different area would I regret my decision. I'll add briefly reason for wanting to leave is H is verbally abusive and has been for a number of years, counselling didn't work so he's unlikely to change even though he promises repeatedly that he will. I was so much better off before him I wish I could just go back to then!

[CarolsSecretCookieRecipe]

Yes, I'm another stuck one too. Married 18 years, two DC (17 & 16). Made the mistake of being a SAHM for years, then struggled to find work. I've been telling myself for years that once the kids are older and I have fulltime work, I'll leave. Things were really bad when the DC were 2 and 3, and he cheated. I couldn't afford to leave, but have never really forgiven him for this, or indeed ever totally trusted him again. We've had two lots of counselling, and things improved, but then slowly drift back to the same old issues. He is miserable and grumpy, spends most of his time on his computer and just sucks the joy out of life.

So here I am with the DC a lot older, and finally have a F/T job offer to commence in 2 weeks. I am going to look finances etc and start making my plans.

[solitaryepiphany]

Yes, though we are not married. We've lived together for five years and it's been tumultuous. We have a near sex-less relationship. He tells me that he loves me all the time but he doesn't really show it or affection. I don't have anywhere else to go with my kids or I'd be there already but I know I still love him for some odd reason that I've yet to figure out. Yet, I still know that I am so miserable being with him and not getting what I want, trying to make him happy and never being paid attention to. It's like he is intentionally pushing me away on purpose. When something gets brought up he often says I know you'll leave me once you get on your feet like that's what he wants me to do but on the other hand he acts like a wounded puppy if I don't pay attention to him so its very conflicting. He was having ED problems but this morning I caught him masturbating so he apparently doesn't have them on his own only with me. Makes you wonder if there's no attraction or what the issues are. When I try to talk to him and open communication like doctors and therapists suggest, he says mean things and tries to say stuff to hurt me like I won't work (I do work..I pay most of the bills :/) or that I complain too much...all because I actually tried to talk to him about things that are making me consider cheating on him even though I'm not a cheating type. But, it's like when a person won't talk to you or make love to you or do anything with you and then gets mad when you say hey what's going on and how can we fix it...what other choice do you have? I won't cheat cause I'm a loyal woman with value for myself but I'm really unhappy and I'm not quite sure how to change it. But, I am like you in that I'm stuck living with someone because of financial problems or become homeless. So, I do love him but it's dying and I didn't want it to but now I'm not so sure and I don't want to be homeless. I'm waiting for an apartment to open up for me and then I will move into it with my kids but he wants to come with us and I'm not so sure I want him to now.

[asak15]

I'm only 26 years old, been married 7 years, have a four year old son, a baby on the way, and feel like I just want to take my son and run. My husband is just..awful. He is a robot, refuses to do anything for anyone else, including his son, if I try to talk he either ignores me or picks an arguement for no reason (ie I went to put in for a promotion but when I told him I missed the deadline because the website locked me out, he told me what I should have done and how I didn't try when just the day before he didn't want me to put in for it. Just always on the opposite side if me). I honestly feel trapped. I have no family or friends because I moved hours away to be with him and now would have no support or money to move back. I am stuck with him and I see it hurting my son every day and it kills me. I also have come to not looking forward to having this child..which is honestly just sad. My husband is a black, negative hole, and my children and I will be stuck with him for at least the next 10 years. I feel like my entire life has been thrown away..which I can live with, but I feel like I am making my son, and will be making this baby suffer as well, and that honestly has me in tears as I am typing this. My heart hurts for all of you, because I know how alone and empty you feel.

[rach55]

for you’re advice , I know there’s only myself can do something about it , it’s so difficult feel like all aspects of my life are falling apart , I feel I could get through my work day better , even my poisonous boss would be bearable if I could sort my life out with my partner - falling apart

[Nowthefunbegins]

I could have written this post a year ago. I asked my husband to leave - he was very shocked and angry but didn’t try to change my mind (that hurt in a weird way).
A year down the line,I’m in a new lovely relationship, my DD goes to her Dads every other week, and whilst it’s not been easy, I’m SO much happier. Think very hard if you want to spend the rest your life like this.....

[rach55]

Hi,

Im new to this so please bear with , just need someone to talk to ,
im 47 in an 18 year relationship have a daughter who is 15 that I love so much.
Just desperately unhappy with my partner, we both work but he makes no effort to hardly talk to me spends his evenings constantly on his phone checking facebook, sky sports and god knows what else! I feel invisible , we dont even sleep together anymore, partly my fault as we got a dog 3 years ago for the first year she slept downstairs but started crying so i foolishly let her sleep in my room, my partner refuses now to sleep upstairs so sleeps on the sofa, im really house proud so this is getting to me, I just cannot afford to move out, I earn crap money and feel so stuck!
Im so depressed, I see my sister so happy with her partner he adores her, they go away for weekends, have a lovely house, Im just starting to really not like him any more, also sorry to moan but my job is getting me down so badly - that's another subject, I just feel im on my own and sometimes dont know what to do anymore.

[PeachyPanda]

Looking on here for some sanity! I really feel at my wits end. I’ve had a few very hard years starting with being diagnosed with cancer nine years ago and including my husband developing mental health issues though he’s through the worst of those now. We got ripped off and he packed in his job as couldn’t cope so we only stayed financially afloat (barely) with help of my family. We eventually managed to sell our house and downsize and he went back to work, though paid less, so financially we are slightly better than we were, but not much. We have 3 DD. He has always been grumpy but I just can’t stand it any more. He loses his temper every single day with the children and recently slapped our 10 year old on the bottom leaving a big red mark. Yet he insists we are his world. He doesn’t really have any friends, not locally anyway, no hobbies except his computer and no family nearby. My oldest DD has been self harming and I don’t know if it’s because of him. I want to leave but would NEVER leave the girls with him. I do work, term time, but I’ve pretty much reached the top for my sector and it’s not well paid. I changed jobs when the kids were younger so I sometimes look at jobs back in my old career which pays more but is much less rewarding and I would struggle with the times and holidays and having to travel to the city. I find myself disliking him more and more, though he says he still feels the same about me as the day we met. The kids have lived through having absolutely nothing, I’d even panic when they outgrow their school shoes, whereas now I can at least afford those. I don’t want to take them back to those hard skint times. So confused!

[Laughteronthewing]

I haven’t joined the ‘not an awful marriage thread’ because, frankly, it feels pretty awful here. No illusions in our house either, we re-do the calculations every now and again to see if living separately would work.

If you’d asked me a few years ago I would have said that I didn’t have a chance of ever being able to live alone with the DC’s, very very slowly things have changed. It’s at a snails pace, but it’s progress.

We don’t sleep in the same room anymore because DH hates going to bed early (and a list of other reasons). I seem to have comandeered the bedroom which has become something of a sanctuary, we have a sofa bed instead of a spare room. I’ve done far too much looking back at my life and berating myself for all the choices I’ve made that led me here. I’m pretty determined not to live like this for ever though.

This thread has been helpful to read, well done to the people who got out and best wishes to the rest of us still there.

[thebird93]

This is depressing reading but I'm in this boat to. I gave up my career and moved far away from friends to be a sahm whilst my husband travelled the world with his job. I learned this jan he's been leading a double life and is /has had some sort of mid-life crisis. All the while I'm here looking after two little boys both diagnosed with autism. It would smash their world if I opted to go it alone.. for that reason and the obvious financial side I'm taking one for the team. I don't like him anymore, I tolerate him and say the right things but deep down I've lost all respect for the man I married is gone.

No one knows how bad all this is, on the surface all is fine and dandy. I keep thinking of ways to get myself out of this.. I look at new homes online fantasying about how happy I would be without him. I do work part time from home, I could potentially up my hours, this could be a way forward as a long term goal. Just reading all these posts has at least given me some energy to explore how I can get out of this!

Love to you all x

[Keepithidden]

Another one here, though I'm the breadwinner so DW is dependent on me. We can't afford two households so if I leave I'll be a NRP, I really don't want to only see DCs EOW. She thinks everything is fine, I don't.

Same coin to other posters, just different sides.

Once we can afford two homes I think we'll split, till then.... 🙄

[Maybellissimo]

Techiegirl42 I’m in exactly the same position as you. Separate beds, dh thinks everything is wonderful.

[Maybellissimo]

Another one here. My dh is the breadwinner I don’t have a pot to piss in. I fantasise about having enough money to be able to leave but unless I win the lottery it’s not going to happen. I gave up my career to be a sahm Mum and in hindsight it was a terrible mistake as I’ve made myself totally financially dependent on him. Once the youngest has started school I’ll go back to work but even then it will be a struggle financially if we separated.

[BlessThisMess]

I'm still stuck here. In January I told my husband that the relationship was over. He took it relatively well but we agreed we can't afford 2 separate households so we still live together as house-mates and co-parents. It's very tough, but we have no other option at the moment.

[techiegirl42]

I am also stuck in a loveless marriage for about 10 years. I am so unhappy but my husband thinks everything is great. We sleep in separate beds and I do not want to have sex with him. He makes so much money that it would be so dumb to leave him. My kids have an awesome life and I do not think they should suffer. There is nothing better out there anyway. All men are pretty much the same - selfish and lazy. I just try to keep myself happy by taking vacations and focusing on the children. I have stopped trying to change him or help him with his issues. He is on his own now. We give men too much credit. Ignore them a little bit - they hate that!

[Allie7890]

I read this n noticed was 2 years ago n wonder how ur world is.
Aa much out of support as hope.
15 years married
Kids 15. 14 & 8
Various $hh along the way.
Never enough money.
N for past 4 years its dawned on me i hate him.
Cant save as he has all the money
He is adamant its all okay!
Thing is with that. It wont unless lobotomy.
Iv slept sofa past 2.5 years cos i cant stand him. N he knows too. Im not permitted funds for day bed.
I suffered a week with fractures ankle cos he was too buzy with work to take me hospital. N after all its just sprained. Im just being silly n dramatic.
He talks about himself 1st n work n who said what n truth is id dont care.
I would happily settle for a room share n a hostel floor. But is that right 4 kids. Esp with eldest 2 at gcse stage.

Relationships can suck

They promise so much....

N yet can deny us too.

I miss the me i was before him.

Only good thing between us is kids. 😓😓

[CookiesAreMyBesties]

for everyone. I'm also stuck due to financials. I would have forgiven dh anything if only he were honest, I love him, yet lie after lie keeps coming up time after time so I'm done. I can't let myself be treated like this in front of my dd. Lies from years ago until recently and I know he won't change. He's also very financially abusive so saving is proving hard but I'm trying. Another year and both dc will be in full time school so I'll get back into work and do everything I can to keep things as normal as possible for dc. I do worry bad, the house is in his name only and affording in this area would be near impossible alone, I've been out of my area too long so my degree and experience will be useless. I have no family so I'm doing it unsupported. I just have to keep everything together for another maybe two years. I'm so, so scared but I have no choice. I can't yet see the light at the end.

[pollyblack]

Interesting thread here... i'm sorry so many women are trapped. I agree I wish I'd never have let myself become financially dependent if I'd had some foresight.

I've just been starting to toy with the idea that life could be better alone, there is no chance of that in the short/medium term. My mind is now open to the possibility and i can start to think about improving my situation.

To the person who posted it was unfair to the husbands who have no idea their wives are planning to leave them, whats the alternative, being upfront, walking out? Being homeless? Walking away from children? I dont believe men think nothing is wrong when their wives are miserable. They're either too ignorant or lazy to make the first move. In most cases they are quite happy having a wife running their life even if the relationship is dead.

[BlessThisMess]

Rememberthetime - well done. That's encouraging and impressive. I know I will get there one day - it's just how do we cope with the stress of things in the meantime. I have met with a very good wise friend today and as a result realised I need to be talking honestly with him in some way - even if it is by email. The stress is all the imagining that goes on in my head due to us not communicating.