Anybody else stuck in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons?

[BlessThisMess]

After a long, slow deterioration of our relationship, I really want to leave my husband. But I simply can't see how to afford to do so. I will figure it out one day, I'm sure, and am working towards it, but in the meantime I'm stuck here. Anyone else? Perhaps we can encourage and support one another.

[PeachyPanda]

Looking on here for some sanity! I really feel at my wits end. I’ve had a few very hard years starting with being diagnosed with cancer nine years ago and including my husband developing mental health issues though he’s through the worst of those now. We got ripped off and he packed in his job as couldn’t cope so we only stayed financially afloat (barely) with help of my family. We eventually managed to sell our house and downsize and he went back to work, though paid less, so financially we are slightly better than we were, but not much. We have 3 DD. He has always been grumpy but I just can’t stand it any more. He loses his temper every single day with the children and recently slapped our 10 year old on the bottom leaving a big red mark. Yet he insists we are his world. He doesn’t really have any friends, not locally anyway, no hobbies except his computer and no family nearby. My oldest DD has been self harming and I don’t know if it’s because of him. I want to leave but would NEVER leave the girls with him. I do work, term time, but I’ve pretty much reached the top for my sector and it’s not well paid. I changed jobs when the kids were younger so I sometimes look at jobs back in my old career which pays more but is much less rewarding and I would struggle with the times and holidays and having to travel to the city. I find myself disliking him more and more, though he says he still feels the same about me as the day we met. The kids have lived through having absolutely nothing, I’d even panic when they outgrow their school shoes, whereas now I can at least afford those. I don’t want to take them back to those hard skint times. So confused!

[rach55]

Hi,

Im new to this so please bear with , just need someone to talk to ,
im 47 in an 18 year relationship have a daughter who is 15 that I love so much.
Just desperately unhappy with my partner, we both work but he makes no effort to hardly talk to me spends his evenings constantly on his phone checking facebook, sky sports and god knows what else! I feel invisible , we dont even sleep together anymore, partly my fault as we got a dog 3 years ago for the first year she slept downstairs but started crying so i foolishly let her sleep in my room, my partner refuses now to sleep upstairs so sleeps on the sofa, im really house proud so this is getting to me, I just cannot afford to move out, I earn crap money and feel so stuck!
Im so depressed, I see my sister so happy with her partner he adores her, they go away for weekends, have a lovely house, Im just starting to really not like him any more, also sorry to moan but my job is getting me down so badly - that's another subject, I just feel im on my own and sometimes dont know what to do anymore.

[Nowthefunbegins]

I could have written this post a year ago. I asked my husband to leave - he was very shocked and angry but didn’t try to change my mind (that hurt in a weird way).
A year down the line,I’m in a new lovely relationship, my DD goes to her Dads every other week, and whilst it’s not been easy, I’m SO much happier. Think very hard if you want to spend the rest your life like this.....

[rach55]

for you’re advice , I know there’s only myself can do something about it , it’s so difficult feel like all aspects of my life are falling apart , I feel I could get through my work day better , even my poisonous boss would be bearable if I could sort my life out with my partner - falling apart

[asak15]

I'm only 26 years old, been married 7 years, have a four year old son, a baby on the way, and feel like I just want to take my son and run. My husband is just..awful. He is a robot, refuses to do anything for anyone else, including his son, if I try to talk he either ignores me or picks an arguement for no reason (ie I went to put in for a promotion but when I told him I missed the deadline because the website locked me out, he told me what I should have done and how I didn't try when just the day before he didn't want me to put in for it. Just always on the opposite side if me). I honestly feel trapped. I have no family or friends because I moved hours away to be with him and now would have no support or money to move back. I am stuck with him and I see it hurting my son every day and it kills me. I also have come to not looking forward to having this child..which is honestly just sad. My husband is a black, negative hole, and my children and I will be stuck with him for at least the next 10 years. I feel like my entire life has been thrown away..which I can live with, but I feel like I am making my son, and will be making this baby suffer as well, and that honestly has me in tears as I am typing this. My heart hurts for all of you, because I know how alone and empty you feel.

[solitaryepiphany]

Yes, though we are not married. We've lived together for five years and it's been tumultuous. We have a near sex-less relationship. He tells me that he loves me all the time but he doesn't really show it or affection. I don't have anywhere else to go with my kids or I'd be there already but I know I still love him for some odd reason that I've yet to figure out. Yet, I still know that I am so miserable being with him and not getting what I want, trying to make him happy and never being paid attention to. It's like he is intentionally pushing me away on purpose. When something gets brought up he often says I know you'll leave me once you get on your feet like that's what he wants me to do but on the other hand he acts like a wounded puppy if I don't pay attention to him so its very conflicting. He was having ED problems but this morning I caught him masturbating so he apparently doesn't have them on his own only with me. Makes you wonder if there's no attraction or what the issues are. When I try to talk to him and open communication like doctors and therapists suggest, he says mean things and tries to say stuff to hurt me like I won't work (I do work..I pay most of the bills :/) or that I complain too much...all because I actually tried to talk to him about things that are making me consider cheating on him even though I'm not a cheating type. But, it's like when a person won't talk to you or make love to you or do anything with you and then gets mad when you say hey what's going on and how can we fix it...what other choice do you have? I won't cheat cause I'm a loyal woman with value for myself but I'm really unhappy and I'm not quite sure how to change it. But, I am like you in that I'm stuck living with someone because of financial problems or become homeless. So, I do love him but it's dying and I didn't want it to but now I'm not so sure and I don't want to be homeless. I'm waiting for an apartment to open up for me and then I will move into it with my kids but he wants to come with us and I'm not so sure I want him to now.

[CarolsSecretCookieRecipe]

Yes, I'm another stuck one too. Married 18 years, two DC (17 & 16). Made the mistake of being a SAHM for years, then struggled to find work. I've been telling myself for years that once the kids are older and I have fulltime work, I'll leave. Things were really bad when the DC were 2 and 3, and he cheated. I couldn't afford to leave, but have never really forgiven him for this, or indeed ever totally trusted him again. We've had two lots of counselling, and things improved, but then slowly drift back to the same old issues. He is miserable and grumpy, spends most of his time on his computer and just sucks the joy out of life.

So here I am with the DC a lot older, and finally have a F/T job offer to commence in 2 weeks. I am going to look finances etc and start making my plans.

[Itssnowjoke2me]

Hi not read through whole thread sorry but wanted to say hello because I've just posted a thread about separating from my H of 5 years (together 8). I was absolutely certain we were separating, I had a vision in my head how I thought I would cope finantially. Now that is all up in the air as other posters have brought up issues that I hadn't considered. Like just how expensive a divorce actually is. Also that I wouldn't automatically take over mortgage if he comes off, and I wouldn't pass the mortgage calculator on my own. My finaces would be made up of my part time wages, maintenance and any additional benefits I might be able to claim. This might not be enough as the benefits might not be counted in mortgage calculation. Then there's the nursery fees I had wondered if H would pay towards these also but I've been told no. My idea was to separate for two years then try and up my work hours so I would be better off but this would increase childcare costs so I feel a bit stuck. I want to separate but now I'm really having to think about the financial side more seriously. If I go ahead with this and then find myself in a mess with money with no home and have to upheave my family to a different area would I regret my decision. I'll add briefly reason for wanting to leave is H is verbally abusive and has been for a number of years, counselling didn't work so he's unlikely to change even though he promises repeatedly that he will. I was so much better off before him I wish I could just go back to then!

[CarolsSecretCookieRecipe]

It's so hard to know what to do for the best isn't it, itssnowjoke2me? I fluctuate all the time, depending who I've spoken to IRL. It always comes down to money, or lack of it.

[ItsMeLaura]

Please gather the courage and leave. It will be a lot easier now than 10 years later. I wanted to leave when my oldest was 2 years old but was too scared. I lived thousands of miles away in a different country. I wish I was brave enough to just go. Here it is 28 years later and a few kids extra. He threatened to keep them from me the few times over the years I said I was going to leave. I'm stuck and it will be way more difficult than it would have been in my early 20s with only one child and not such a huge gap in work experience. Find a way to save enough for a bus or train ticket at least.

I found a part-time job but I don't make enough to live on my own. I like it and don't want to leave it but I'm going to need to move to a more affordable area. Right now the majority of my income is going to savings. The job my husband currently has would allow me to leave but he is unhappy in it and he's going to school to be a licensed counselor. In a year he's going to have to start interning full time so all that income will be gone. He's screwing us over. We have so much debt. We'll lose that income and our dental and vision insurance. If he thinks I'm going to support him financially after all he's put me through he's crazy. Even after he finishes school and starts his new career his income will be 25 to 30 percent of what it is now. Right now I have to lie to him about leaving because I need time to save money. I need at least another year at this job before I move. I am getting a promotion in a couple months but it's still going to be part time. Don't wait until you're 40 or 50. Be brave. Don't be scared like me.

Now after all these years I'm not scared if being homeless or living in a crappy place. I have spent the majority of the past 30 years depressed. Don't stay with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. Its not worth the damage. Trust me I know and so do my two oldest children. That is the biggest regret for me is my boys having to live through all that.

[Stillfunny]

To all these younger women, please make your financial plans to go. You still have the capability to earn your own money.
In my 50s , nearly 30 years married. Well and truly stuck. SAHM for years, unable to work for MH reasons, but DH was always a big earner.
Until he wasn't. Mortgage not paid off, to split leaves both of us in shit.
Now midlife crisis affairs and deceit mean I cant stand him. Big enough house to live separately
Just biding my time, wishing I could win the lottery.!.

[Mybabyboy811]

I came across your post, from what looks like about 3 years ago. I sincerely hope you have found a way to be happy. I connected with your situation, and wonder if you have any tips or words of wisdom since your original post.
I’m searching for answers online after what feels like, yet again, the last straw to push me into leaving my husband. I just can’t seem to find my way out. We are so far in debt, we never know if/how our bills will get paid. We’ve used payday loans in attempt to catch up, and at this point I’ve lost track, and will have minimal left from my next payvheck. We have a 4 year old son (only child) who is the most amazing boy, and it breaks my heart to think about splitting his family up. I never truly knew love before this baby boy, I’m sure like many mothers! I’ve been here many times in our 11 years together, but continued to hang on. Now with a child involved and our tremendous financial distress, I have no way to leave. He has (in a drunken state) threatened to make sure I never see my child again if I leave. I have no options. I realize that an unhappy marriage can be worse than a “happy divorce.” If I leave with my son, we don’t have the money/ financial stability to survive. If I choose to leave without my boy, my husband has made it clear that he will take him from me. I hear people say usually the court favors this or that. This is my whole world....my baby boy...he is everything to me. I feel hopeless. Not to be cliche, but I’d rather be unhappy than cause my so. An ounce of pain. I have no way to leave. Tomorrow my husband will continue to criticize me, be hateful, ignore me, insult me...never abusive. Maybe someone has advice when you’re broke (don’t qualify for government assistance, we are not “low income” - btw, bizarre to me when they have no idea the cost of my housing payment, phone bill, preschool (big one here, almost $1000 a month), medical bills, travel costs (I travel for work, and wait for reimbursement), etc....So not looking for the suggestion that financial assistance is available. Apparently I “make too much money”....promise you that isn’t the case. My account in negative $96 right now, and payday is still 3 days away.
I’m sure I’ve missed important pieces of the puzzle. I’m so unhappy in this so-called marriage, I can’t see straight anymore. Appreciate suggestions or words of encouragement.

[Perch]

Zombie thread alert

Reported spammer x