Anybody else stuck in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons?

[BlessThisMess]

After a long, slow deterioration of our relationship, I really want to leave my husband. But I simply can't see how to afford to do so. I will figure it out one day, I'm sure, and am working towards it, but in the meantime I'm stuck here. Anyone else? Perhaps we can encourage and support one another.

[LittleOyster]

Sounds as though you were really determined, DraughtyWindow. Really encouraging post, thanks.

I am 5 years into a marriage which has been unhappy for the last 4 years, at least. After much agonising, counselling, convos with close friends, etc I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to end this.

I am making a plan: writing a budget for life as a single mum and trying to work out exactly how much I shall need to earn to keep us (we'll probably go maybe 50/50, or 60/40 on custody so there won't be much (if any) maintenance coming my way. However, I am hopeful that, once he calms down and readjusts, DH will stump up for his share of significant costs such as after school clubs, swimming lessons, birthday parties, etc. I can't bear the thought of DC going without these things.

I am going to get an appointment with a SHL and CAB, get the house valued and do some viewings of one-bed places where we can make a home in the immediate years post-split, until I can afford something bigger - DC in the bedroom and me on the sofa, which I am used to as DH and I have not shared a bed for some time.

I live in London, so housing is hugely expensive but, on the flipside, there are job opportunities. DC will start school in September 2017, so I shall be able to go back to work. Used to be in a very low-pay, pin-money type of occupation so will need a career change. I am looking at applying to various graduate schemes as a mature applicant, even stuff in finance, that I never would have considered previously. Just desperate to be independent. Can't live much longer like this - mental and physical health are getting worse and worse and sometimes my thoughts become very dark. I reckon that it'll take 1-2 years but I WILL get out.

Good luck everyone. Know you are not alone in your struggles, even though it so often feels like it.

[LittleOyster]

Ps. Also thinking about what advice I'll be giving DD in years to come: don’t become a SAHM!!

[BCHG2372]

Financial independence should be thought to everyone from an early age!

[Eatmyshorts1]

Yes, I'm in the same boat. I finally plucked up the courage 3 months ago to say it's over, and after our conversation he cleared out our account of a lot of money and engineering a meeting with a mortgage advisor to inform me I'd never get a mortgage (nor would he) and I work I agreed to try again. It's shit he was nice until last week when he has slipped into old ways. I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I'm praying I win the lottery soon :(

[DraughtyWindow]

I'd never ever have a joint bank account with anyone.
LittleOyster - it's great that you have a plan. That's what will keep you going, never ever give up hope. Keep focussed on the desired outcome and you will succeed.
Once you're out, try to make sure that any dialogue is about the child/children and put your personal angst to one side. You will never get an apology. Be fair, be consistent and be calm. They can't argue with that, especially when it concerns the child. It's really difficult at times, but use it to your advantage to get them 'on-side'. You will probably end up with far more respect than you ever did whilst you were in the relationship. Just don't rise to the bait, that's all I'm saying.

[DraughtyWindow]

^^ that makes me sound quite harsh. Really I'm not. Just wiser. And much stronger.

[MaybeDoctor]

LittleOyster, there is a poster on here who applied to the Inland Revenue grad scheme and said it was great - v family friendly organisation.

[Christmas24]

So nice to read...im not alone. I have been with my husband whos ten yrs older for 26 yrs. We have two children, 13 & 18. My husband is a good hard working man, but his job has drained all life out of him. He does not much more than, work, eat, sleep, tv. He has no get up and go. I thought leaving would be easier once kids were older and i regained my life but its not. Husband in denial its over although i made it clear years ago. Im like his mum. We got no fourth bedroom and he wont leave. Hes happy and content and longer i stay the more i resent him. More money and no children id be off.....any advice appreciated.

[BlessThisMess]

Christmas, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband is 15 years older and there's just no life in him at all! He potters about from the living room to the workshop, has no friends and rarely goes out nor does he want to.
Do you or did you have paid work at all? Anything you would like to do if you could? I am gradually building up my working situation and hope to be able to support myself and the girls in a year or two.
Have you ever had any advice about what you would be entitled to in a split?

[Christmas24]

Thank you BlessThisMess. Yes i have a part time job, lots of friends and have a social life of my own so i am very lucky i know. Just be nice to share a life with someone or at least have my freedom. Saving an issue right now as my wages go on bills. If we had a spare room id be in it and make sure he knew we lived seperate lives. Im just about to start looking at finances. I dont dislike my husband, hes a good guy.....we just poles apart and outgrew each other. I suppose easiest thing to do is sell the house and go our separate ways but thats easier said than done and disrupts the children. Makes me out to be selfish. Just be nice for him to accept its over. I hate living like this, im surrounded by friends but its so lonely.

[rememberthetime]

I realised maybe 2 years ago that my life was in need of changing and also that the only way forward was for me to dig myself out of the hole I was in. I made some big changes along the way to allow myself the chance to get out.
I started counselling to improve my confidence and allow me to stand up to him, I started driving lessons and passed, I got my own bank account, I worked very hard on my self employed work to double my income and I applied for a credit card as a back up.
Now after two years i am in a positin to leave and I am.
I think the thing that changed for me was I stopped thinking that he was somehow going to change and to realise no one was going to get me out of this situation but myself. I put in place all the things to become the person I wanted to be.
it feels scary but positive. Maybe less than a month now before D-day.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you've posted about this before, haven't you? Your husband has a work pension as well, doesn't he? And he has quite a bit of money in his own bank? Isn't that right? (Crap memory here, though!)

[Christmas24]

Well done you x How has he taken the fact you moving out ? I already put the car in my name, have my own insurance and sorted my own account....so i guess i already started. Maybe a credit card next step, although need to pay joint one off first. If only i had a spare room.

[BlessThisMess]

Imperial - I don't remember specifically posting about this - I don't post very often though I lurk and read a lot. Maybe I did though because you are right. He has a small work pension and yes he has a modest inheritance from his parents that I don't intend to make a claim on. He has spent a reasonable amount of it on me in the past and I don't expect any more. It isn't enough to enable outright house purchase anyway even if I did. I would still have to do shared ownership or renting.

[BlessThisMess]

Rememberthetime - well done. That's encouraging and impressive. I know I will get there one day - it's just how do we cope with the stress of things in the meantime. I have met with a very good wise friend today and as a result realised I need to be talking honestly with him in some way - even if it is by email. The stress is all the imagining that goes on in my head due to us not communicating.

[pollyblack]

Interesting thread here... i'm sorry so many women are trapped. I agree I wish I'd never have let myself become financially dependent if I'd had some foresight.

I've just been starting to toy with the idea that life could be better alone, there is no chance of that in the short/medium term. My mind is now open to the possibility and i can start to think about improving my situation.

To the person who posted it was unfair to the husbands who have no idea their wives are planning to leave them, whats the alternative, being upfront, walking out? Being homeless? Walking away from children? I dont believe men think nothing is wrong when their wives are miserable. They're either too ignorant or lazy to make the first move. In most cases they are quite happy having a wife running their life even if the relationship is dead.

[CookiesAreMyBesties]

for everyone. I'm also stuck due to financials. I would have forgiven dh anything if only he were honest, I love him, yet lie after lie keeps coming up time after time so I'm done. I can't let myself be treated like this in front of my dd. Lies from years ago until recently and I know he won't change. He's also very financially abusive so saving is proving hard but I'm trying. Another year and both dc will be in full time school so I'll get back into work and do everything I can to keep things as normal as possible for dc. I do worry bad, the house is in his name only and affording in this area would be near impossible alone, I've been out of my area too long so my degree and experience will be useless. I have no family so I'm doing it unsupported. I just have to keep everything together for another maybe two years. I'm so, so scared but I have no choice. I can't yet see the light at the end.

[Allie7890]

I read this n noticed was 2 years ago n wonder how ur world is.
Aa much out of support as hope.
15 years married
Kids 15. 14 & 8
Various $hh along the way.
Never enough money.
N for past 4 years its dawned on me i hate him.
Cant save as he has all the money
He is adamant its all okay!
Thing is with that. It wont unless lobotomy.
Iv slept sofa past 2.5 years cos i cant stand him. N he knows too. Im not permitted funds for day bed.
I suffered a week with fractures ankle cos he was too buzy with work to take me hospital. N after all its just sprained. Im just being silly n dramatic.
He talks about himself 1st n work n who said what n truth is id dont care.
I would happily settle for a room share n a hostel floor. But is that right 4 kids. Esp with eldest 2 at gcse stage.

Relationships can suck

They promise so much....

N yet can deny us too.

I miss the me i was before him.

Only good thing between us is kids. 😓😓

[techiegirl42]

I am also stuck in a loveless marriage for about 10 years. I am so unhappy but my husband thinks everything is great. We sleep in separate beds and I do not want to have sex with him. He makes so much money that it would be so dumb to leave him. My kids have an awesome life and I do not think they should suffer. There is nothing better out there anyway. All men are pretty much the same - selfish and lazy. I just try to keep myself happy by taking vacations and focusing on the children. I have stopped trying to change him or help him with his issues. He is on his own now. We give men too much credit. Ignore them a little bit - they hate that!

[BlessThisMess]

I'm still stuck here. In January I told my husband that the relationship was over. He took it relatively well but we agreed we can't afford 2 separate households so we still live together as house-mates and co-parents. It's very tough, but we have no other option at the moment.

[Maybellissimo]

Another one here. My dh is the breadwinner I don’t have a pot to piss in. I fantasise about having enough money to be able to leave but unless I win the lottery it’s not going to happen. I gave up my career to be a sahm Mum and in hindsight it was a terrible mistake as I’ve made myself totally financially dependent on him. Once the youngest has started school I’ll go back to work but even then it will be a struggle financially if we separated.

[Maybellissimo]

Techiegirl42 I’m in exactly the same position as you. Separate beds, dh thinks everything is wonderful.

[Keepithidden]

Another one here, though I'm the breadwinner so DW is dependent on me. We can't afford two households so if I leave I'll be a NRP, I really don't want to only see DCs EOW. She thinks everything is fine, I don't.

Same coin to other posters, just different sides.

Once we can afford two homes I think we'll split, till then.... 🙄

[thebird93]

This is depressing reading but I'm in this boat to. I gave up my career and moved far away from friends to be a sahm whilst my husband travelled the world with his job. I learned this jan he's been leading a double life and is /has had some sort of mid-life crisis. All the while I'm here looking after two little boys both diagnosed with autism. It would smash their world if I opted to go it alone.. for that reason and the obvious financial side I'm taking one for the team. I don't like him anymore, I tolerate him and say the right things but deep down I've lost all respect for the man I married is gone.

No one knows how bad all this is, on the surface all is fine and dandy. I keep thinking of ways to get myself out of this.. I look at new homes online fantasying about how happy I would be without him. I do work part time from home, I could potentially up my hours, this could be a way forward as a long term goal. Just reading all these posts has at least given me some energy to explore how I can get out of this!

Love to you all x

[Laughteronthewing]

I haven’t joined the ‘not an awful marriage thread’ because, frankly, it feels pretty awful here. No illusions in our house either, we re-do the calculations every now and again to see if living separately would work.

If you’d asked me a few years ago I would have said that I didn’t have a chance of ever being able to live alone with the DC’s, very very slowly things have changed. It’s at a snails pace, but it’s progress.

We don’t sleep in the same room anymore because DH hates going to bed early (and a list of other reasons). I seem to have comandeered the bedroom which has become something of a sanctuary, we have a sofa bed instead of a spare room. I’ve done far too much looking back at my life and berating myself for all the choices I’ve made that led me here. I’m pretty determined not to live like this for ever though.

This thread has been helpful to read, well done to the people who got out and best wishes to the rest of us still there.