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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/09/2016 23:37

Hide the car keys btw. If he is off his head then you dont want him taking your car as he will still be under the influence.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2016 23:39

Maybe you could go sit outside his mum's house

See if he runs past again

sheesh

SusieGreen · 11/09/2016 23:41

Meh. You seem to excuse him more and more as the thread goes on. You are obviously willing to put up with this behaviour so I'm sorry he's done this, hopefully the next time he does it is a while away.

AbernathysFringe · 11/09/2016 23:43

Invested five years? Call it wasted five and don't waste a day more. Don't let your age worry you, you will meet someone else if you want to and it'll be better than being tied to someone useless. Call it a learning experience.

PushingThru · 11/09/2016 23:49

He was running past his mum's house because he didn't want to be seen with a boy known for drugs...? Sounds more like 15 than 25.

PikachuBoo · 11/09/2016 23:49

Report him missing.
Double lock the doors. Go to bed with ear plugs and phone on airplane. Take keys for both cars to work tomorrow. Are you bold enough to disable the doorbell?
Go to bed and sleep well now.
Do not marry this manchild. His mum is advising you well.

healthyobsessions · 11/09/2016 23:49

Hope he's back OP Flowers

Shezza71 · 11/09/2016 23:50

He's 25 and acting like a child
His mum says he'll come home when he's ready, don't worry, he won't be worried about you!
You're only 31, that's young, you're not married yet, do you both own the house you live in, do you have children together that you need to consider.
You've also mentioned drugs and him getting angry with you.
Get out while you can and run for the hills, I would be

Darcychu · 11/09/2016 23:56

I would be straight to packing my bags, that is no respect to give someone your supposedly wanting to marry.

Sorry but ... the only advice i could give is to tell him to do one !

becciandbump · 11/09/2016 23:58

If he is not home by midnight Id actually report him missing. If he is safe great but maybe the embarrassment of the police tracking him down might stop him from doing this to you again?

sadie9 · 12/09/2016 00:10

A cocaine bender? So he will be gone for 3 days, not show up for work tomorrow, then be on a downer for two weeks getting over it. Once they get inside that bubble they think they are invincible and can block out the ordinary boring world. He'll be back tomorrow AM looking like a zombie and asking you to phone in sick for him.

blankpieceofpaper · 12/09/2016 00:21

For all the people saying LTB, lock the door, pack his bags etc... at the moment he is someone the OP loves; who she is very worried about and who has been out of contact longer than normal. Worry about the very short term stuff first - doing what you feel able/ want to do to find him. Yes, he probably is with friends somewhere, but there is a small chance he is not, and something more serious has happened.

Definitely try and get some sleep as and when you can. Do all you can to contact people through his mum, Facebook, work etc. I would strongly consider reporting him missing - you don't need to wait 24 hours, but that is your decision.

I am hoping all the above is redundant and he has already turned up to be given this wake up call.

riceuten · 12/09/2016 00:23

Sadly, I don't think the OP wants to hear this. Like lots of people who ask for advice, it appears she only wants advice she personally agrees with.

PushingThru · 12/09/2016 00:27

The waiting 24 hours before a missing person can be reported & investigated seems to have come from American films...? It's v odd.

tipsytrifle · 12/09/2016 00:33

He was angry at me two weeks ago for being an hour late when I even told him the day before I would be late

That's controlling behaviour right there. That's where your novice abuser starts drawing his lines in your soul. It's also projection because he is the one out of control. You should choose not to be his rescuer. Though I guess you aren't really ready to let go of that role yet.

Overall I think there are enough red flags waving to be counting this as a marriage that shouldn't/couldn't/didn't go ahead. Because next year is a whole load of madness to come. All of it worse than before. Don't cling to an ideal that has no practical application. Such as him being a responsible adult who loves and wants to make a decent life with you.

Whose name is the property in? Who deals with what finances? How would you stand if you split? As a btw I wouldn't let anyone use my car - just that. Expensive to replace on a modest income when someone else wrecks it or gets it confiscated by police.

MrHannahSnell · 12/09/2016 01:00

Why are you giving this deadbeat no hoper any of your concern? This guy is a total waste of space.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 12/09/2016 01:08

Can't you see how ridiculous this is? You would be an absolute fool to continue this farce of a relationship and to bring a child into that world.

Mosseywossey · 12/09/2016 01:29

Please call off the engagement! He doesn't care about you enough to communicate with you!!!!

SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 01:38

OP

I have had this problem time and time again with an ex. In fact I could have written your post at points.

You will think he has stopped, months may go by and he might not do it. But it won't stop the worrying. Every time he leaves the house you will panic until he is home, and then it might (in fact probably) will happen again.

It's a vicious circle, please be kind to yourself in the long run and get out.

JudasInTheTescoVan · 12/09/2016 01:42

OP I could have written your post ten years ago. He would say he was coming home and then just vanish for a day or days. He also had depression and drug/alcohol issues. It went on for years and years in fact I probably posted about it at the time under a different name.

I used to ring and ring him, call around hospitals and friends etc. He was never injured or in trouble. He was usually drink/taking drugs/with another woman. I overheard him talking about me once about how I "pestered him with phone calls when he went out". I think he enjoyed seeing me worried.

I wasted ten years with him and had two children. It was only after I left and looking back that I could see his behaviour for what it was, stupid and selfish.

His mum is telling you who he is, listen and then run.

SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 01:51

I should add that I do hope he comes home safely.

No matter how badly he has behaved and how much I urge you to get out of the relationship-I understand how horrible it can be in the immediate moment.

If he doesn't show up by the morning when you expect him for work I would immediately ring the police- providing he has a good track record of showing up for work/not being late? Unless you think he can get to work without you knowing- in which case ring his work before the police.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/09/2016 01:59

Urgh what a complete man child. Whatever the reason this time if he's really 25 about to get married and still pissing around with 'lads and drugs' then he's an immature prick and you are utterly wasting your time. Can you not see how childish and pathetic this all is? On his part not yours Flowers

I hope he shows up soon so you can stop worrying but please think this one through carefully.

OlennasWimple · 12/09/2016 02:05

I briefly went out with someone who - unbeknownst to me - had a drinking problem. He stood me up - repeatedly and embarrassingly (not turning up to dinner parties, for example). He disappeared for days and then reappeared and expected everything to continue as if he had been gone for 20 minutes.

I realised that ultimately he loved the booze more than he would ever love me (and this was a really hard fact to face up to), so it had to end.

I hope in a strange way that something has happened to your DP, as at least that would be easier to deal with than him going on a bender and forgetting all about you.

Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 02:47

Ive just woke up and he's still not home! He should be leaving for work in 3 hours in the car that is here. He is self employed working for his uncles company and working on a job a few hours away so he leaves early. Why the hell is he not home. The latest he has ever come home is probably midday after a night out but I haven't heard off him for over 24 hours now

OP posts:
SugaredPlumFairy · 12/09/2016 02:56

Ok. If you are very concerned call the police.

I would ring his mother first and ask her outright if she knows he is safe.